No Bed of Roses: Dark Heart Forest Fairy Tales

By Alannah Foley

Dastardly deeds meet love, hope and humour in this fairy tale reimagining of The Princess & the Pea.

 

NO BED OF ROSES

 

A standalone book in the Dark Heart Forest Fairy Tales Series.

 

Frustrated by her commitment-shy son Romeo pulling out of yet another wedding, Queen Daphne finds a last-minute suitor. But will he land that first kiss and decide she's not the one, or will they find their Happily Ever After?  

 

ooo000ooo  

 

The queen of Dalmashia is at her wits' end. Just days before he's due to marry, her son Prince Romeo changes his mind, leaving the nation high and dry. This is the third wedding he's pulled out of, and if the queen doesn't do something soon, her subjects will lose confidence in the crown.

 

As luck would have it, the palace housekeepers find a last-minute suitor. And after the girl's royalty is verified with a special pea-under-the-mattress test, the queen is left with just one problem...

 

Every time her commitment-shy son meets a match, he feels compelled to test the relationship with a kiss – and inevitably, he decides she's not the one.

 

So when Romeo is captivated by the beautiful red-headed Rose, the queen's not taking any chances. She requests that Rose not kiss Romeo before the wedding, and she vows to hold her resolve. Unfortunately, despite a similar promise from Romeo, he's less enthusiastic – and he has some dastardly ideas about how to manipulate circumstances in his favour, too.

 

Will the queen's attempts to pull off a joyous royal wedding be in vain? Or will the couple find their Happily Ever After?

 

Find out in No Bed of Roses, a twisted fairy tale reimagining of The Princess & the Pea.

 

(Approx. length 60k.)

 

ABOUT the Author's Fairy Tale Fiction

 

If you love stories with a blend of adventure, humour, romance, and a touch of magic thrown in, then the author's fairy tale-inspired fiction is for you.

 

Written for adults, stories often call into question the 'facts' of the original tales. So whether you're reading a reimagining of a tale or an imagined sequel, it'll come with some intriguing twists.

 

Featuring strong female leads, each story has a flavour all its own, with varying shades of light and dark and is set in a shared world, on the same continent, with the notoriously dangerous Dark Heart Forest at its centre. And although they can be read as standalones, you may spot a few overlaps with characters and places.

 

Books are written in British English and contain no sex or swearing. However, there may be occasional violence or content not suited to children.

 

So… ready to read No Bed of Roses?

 

Get started NOW!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pyjama Writer Publishing
• Release date: Jul 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201162023

Alannah Foley

Alannah Foley… aka 'The Pyjama Writer' Raised in the UK, Alannah lived in her Aussie birthplace for five years in her twenties, where mozzies regularly used her for target practice. She managed to return to Old Blighty devoid of shark or snake bite, however, and currently lives in picturesque Cornwall with her cycling-obsessed partner. Alannah is a multi-genre author who has published mysteries and other works of fiction as well as travel tales about her capers in a campervan and adventures Down Under. When she's not writing, Alannah likes to hit the trails on her bike, take walks in nature, and go kayaking – basically, anything that will get her butt out of the chair for a while that doesn't involve going to a sweaty old gym. Find out more about the author and where she got her Pyjama Writer nickname on her website at www.thePyjamaWriter.com/about.

Book preview

Chapter 1

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where the heck are you, Romeo?" Queen Daphne called out as she held up the hem of her green dress and made her way swiftly through the vast gardens of Kammerlot Palace in search of her son.

Finally, she found him on the archery lawn, doing target practice. Ah, there you are! I might have known you'd be here. One of the maids said they saw you heading outside earlier.

Unperturbed by her sudden appearance, Prince Romeo pulled back on the bow and let his arrow fly. It just missed the bull's eye. Not bad, the queen said, smoothing wisps of fair hair that had escaped from her elegant bun. "Just a pity your aim isn't this true with the women in your life."

Romeo turned towards her, his handsome features contorted as he lowered his bow. "And just what is that supposed to mean, Mother?"

"Let's not beat about the bush. You know precisely what I'm referring to. The queen folded her arms. I've just come back from an early-morning engagement at the children's hospice to hear some shocking news from Marcus… Apparently, your betrothed, the countess, left the palace a short while ago looking upset and in rather a rush to get back home to Oldmanland. And this, just days before you're to wed?… Care to explain?"

Romeo raked a hand through his short blond hair. Blasted jumped-up secretary, he muttered. Always sticking his beak in where it's not wanted.

The queen put her hands on her hips. "How dare you speak of Marcus that way. He worked at this palace even before your father and I married, and you would do well to show him a little respect. When you turn twenty-one and take my place on the throne in a few short months, you'll discover he's more than a secretary. He's an adviser, a confidant, and he'll never steer you wrong… Besides which, she said, lowering her tone, your father might still be alive today had he heeded Marcus's sage advice."

Romeo blew out. Please, Mother. I've heard this speech, like, a thousand times. I think I get the picture.

"All right, let's talk about the countess instead. This is the third wedding we've had lined up in the last nine months, the queen huffed. Why has she decided to make herself scarce all of a sudden? She looked fine when I saw her at dinner last night."

She changed her mind, that's all. Romeo idly brushed the sleeve of his beige tunic, avoiding her gaze. The countess seemed to think we weren't well matched after all. Simple as that.

The queen studied his expression. It was obvious he was lying. He always wrinkled his nose when he wasn't being straight with her. Besides, if it was 'as simple as that', why was the countess upset when she left?

The queen put a pale hand to her forehead, an uncomfortable realisation hitting her. "Oh, no! Don't tell me. You kissed her, didn't you?"

The look in Romeo's ice-blue eyes betrayed his awkwardness, but he remained tight-lipped.

I knew it! the queen said. "I asked one simple thing of you when you were matched with the countess, and that was to hold back from kissing her – is that not so?"

"Well, yes, but I never promised."

The queen stared back at him, astounded. "How can you say that? I thought we discussed it."

"You discussed it. I just nodded along for the most part, he replied. And my exact words were: 'I'll do my best'. I made no actual promises."

The queen's lips tightened. Why, the sly little fox! Might have known he'd try to slip through my net on a technicality. I should've been more careful. She shook her head. I don't know! Couldn't you have just waited until after the wedding?

"Really, Mother! What do you think I am? A saint? You can't seriously expect me not to kiss someone I'm about to marry, can you?"

"Normally, I wouldn't think to ask it, but in your case, I have to ruddy well insist on it… You can be getting along nicely with a girl, but as soon as you kiss her, suddenly you decide she's not the one and hone in on every conceivable flaw she has."

That's simply not true, Romeo countered. None of the women you've matched me with have been right for me in the first place. You're over-reacting.

"Oh, I am, am I? The queen put a manicured finger to her lips. Now, let me see… What was the reason you rejected your first fiancée, the duchess – coincidentally, right after you kissed her?"

Come on! That's not fair. You know her hips made a strange clicking sound right from the outset.

I most certainly do not.

Seriously? It was sheer torture going for a walk with her. Sounded like a tiny elf was chipping away at her pelvic bone with a chisel. Anyway, surely you wouldn't want me to marry someone like that – it's a sure sign that she'll be no good for childbearing.

"All right, what about your second suitor, Lady Bracknell?"

"Pah! Wasn't it obvious? You'd have to be half blind not to notice that chin of hers."

"Her chin? And what was wrong with it, pray tell?"

Why, it was as hairy as a bear's armpit, Mother.

The queen threw him an incredulous look. You're serious, aren't you?

"I most certainly am. And I'd defy any man to get hitched to a woman who shaves more often than himself. Might as well be married to a billy goat… Besides which, the girl has some strange obsession with handbags."

The queen let out a weary sigh. All right, so tell me, what was wrong with the countess?

Let's not play games, Mother. You know as well as I do that she had something wrong with her windpipe.

Her windpipe, the queen said flatly.

Well, you know, Romeo said, waving his fingers in the air. When she spoke, there was this sort of nasal whistle in the background.

I beg your pardon?

Romeo put his bow out in front of him and leaned on it. Come on! Are you saying you didn't hear it?

Indeed I am. I heard nothing of the sort.

Well, I don't know how you could've missed such a thing. Brings a new meaning to the word 'whistleblower', if you ask me. It was most annoying – and I told her so this very morning while we were out strolling in the gardens.

Strolling, eh?… So you didn't happen to exchange a kiss just before you mentioned her… 'whistleblowing'?

Romeo looked awkward again. Well… I might have given her a peck on the…

The queen quickly raised a hand. Spare me the details. I don't want to know.

She sighed inwardly, feeling despair at his words. She searched her conscience. Did I make Romeo this way? I thought I'd done all I could not to spoil my son, but perhaps I've done so inadvertently. Certainly, her late husband, King Charles, had indulged him on occasion over the years – but surely not to the degree that he'd turn out like this. His lack of commitment – whether to a woman or to his duties – was unfathomable.

"Look, Mother, I know you think I'm making all this up, but don't you see? That first kiss, it's all-important, Romeo said, trying to get her to see reason. It tells you everything you need to know about a girl. If the kiss isn't right, the relationship will be a total disaster, and…"

Nonsense! Your father and I had an arranged marriage, and you don't think our first kiss was all sparks and light, do you? the queen asked. In fact, as I recall, your father had rather slobbery lips. Fair put me off, I can tell you.

Romeo winced. "Ew! Mother! Do you have to?"

All right, all right. Suffice to say, there's far more to marriage than kissing, the queen went on. I fell in love with your father despite a less-than-perfect start. We had to work at our relationship over the years, and you will, too. Marriage will be the making of you, believe me. But at this rate, you're never going to reach the altar.

She blew out. Look, you know the nation's been poised for you to wed for months now. We can't go on like this, son, she said. Marcus agrees, my subjects are losing faith in the crown. I can't risk cancelling another wedding. Your actions are making a mockery of the royal household.

Oh, Mother, you do exaggerate so, he said casually. "People don't give two hoots about a royal wedding. Anyway, my Little Miss Perfect sister got married last year. Shouldn't that be enough for them?"

"If she'd married on home territory instead of in her husband's land, perhaps it would have been enough, the queen lamented. But there's no getting around it, your more recent activities – or lack thereof – seem to have drawn a dark cloud over the monarchy."

Don't be ridiculous! The citizens of Dalmashia have more to think about than whether their prince is getting hitched or not.

You're wrong, she countered. I have eyes and ears amongst the people, and I know what they're thinking.

Yeah, right.

The queen looked hesitant. Look, I never told you this, but on occasion, I disguise myself as a peasant and mingle amongst the people.

The prince's eyes flew wide. "You what? You mix with those filthy beasts?"

"How dare you speak of our citizens so. Most of them are hard-working, honest people – and by no means are they all filthy. Her nose wrinkled. Just a few. Mainly pig farmers and regular tavern-goers… Anyway, the fact is, the people are a lot more upset than you realise. Things were bad enough after we cancelled your second wedding, so how do you think they'll react after a third cancellation?"

Romeo rolled his eyes wearily.

Look, people need to know their leaders are strong and decisive, not changing their minds on a whim, the queen said firmly. "Now, I've done my darnedest to lead this country since your father died, and I like to think I've done a good job, but when you turn twenty-one in a few months and succeed me, I want to know in my heart that I'm handing the throne over to a man, not a boy."

Romeo grimaced. Oh, I get it. So what you're saying is, I'm immature – right?

I never said that.

"Maybe not, but you certainly implied it."

The queen folded her arms. Well, now we're on the topic, we might as well face facts, Romeo. You've earned yourself quite the playboy reputation. And we need to change that. Being in our privileged positions isn't about having fun at the expense of our citizens. Much responsibility rests on our shoulders.

Well, I'm not ready. That's all there is to it, he retorted. And no one can make me succeed the throne before I'm ready.

"Oh, can't they? The queen's jaw clenched. Romeo, you've been prepared for the role of king ever since you were a child, and the only reason you don't feel ready is because you choose to fritter away your time on trifles and indulgences instead of shouldering some of the royal responsibilities."

"Are you calling sports an indulgence? Because I don't consider them to be so. They require much skill, he replied. Anyway, you spend many hours pottering about in the gardens hereabouts."

Not as many as I used to, she countered. But when I do, it's never at the expense of my duties. And, like it or not, we have a role to play for this nation.

She shook her head at Romeo's obvious disinterest. Look, if you think I'm cancelling your wedding arrangements for a third time, you've got another thing coming. So if you won't marry the countess, then it'll have to be someone else.

Romeo blinked in disbelief. You what?

The queen's expression lightened as an idea struck. Look, why don't you reconsider marrying Princess Snow White of Oldmanland? I'm pretty sure King Barry's still looking for a suitor, and…

Romeo cut her off. "Honestly! Do you never give up, Mother? I told you months ago – I'm not marrying the girl."

But why ever not? You seemed to get on well with her and she's a fair raven-haired beauty…

Forget it. A fair beauty she may be, but she's too feisty and quick with the comebacks for my liking. Besides, there's no way I'm having that crotchety old Queen Mavis for a mother-in-law.

You know as well as I do, if you married Princess Snow, she would come to live here. You'd scarcely see Queen Mavis, save for on royal occasions, the queen huffed. What's more, we could have the princess brought over by flying carpet – she'd be here in plenty of time for the ceremony.

You know those things are dangerous, don't you? They're notoriously unpredictable, especially in high winds. You wouldn't get me travelling on one of those deathtraps – not unless my life were at stake.

I'm sure King Barry would deem it a worthy risk, under the circumstances.

Anyway, you're forgetting… Romeo went on. "Snow and the countess are the best of friends, right? I doubt she'll want her cast-offs, especially after she tells her what I said this morning."

The queen blew out. Now he's just clutching at straws.

Seeing her expression, Romeo heaved a sigh. Look, drag Snow over here if you must, he said unenthusiastically, "but I don't know why you get so het up about all this stuff. I'll find the right girl sooner or later."

The queen closed her eyes for a moment. Even under the most difficult circumstances, she could normally check her emotions, but Romeo was testing her resolve to the limits. There was just no reasoning with him.

Romeo lifted his bow and grabbed another arrow from his quiver. Anyway, now that the wedding's off, I don't see why I can't take part in that archery tournament next week – and if I'm to stand any chance of winning, I'll need to get a little practice in… So if you don't mind, Mother… he said confidently, nocking his arrow onto the bow.

She bristled at his brush-off comment. How can he be so blasé? So indifferent to the effects of his actions upon other people? All he can think about is taking part in some blessed archery tournament, when instead, he should be enjoying his honeymoon.

Suddenly, it all felt too much for Queen Daphne to bear. With one swift motion, she snatched the bow from her son's grasp and snapped it angrily over her knee.

Romeo's face was a picture of shock. "What the hell did you do that for? That was my best bow, I'll have you know."

Playtime's over, Romeo, she seethed. It's about time you stopped messing about and became the man you were born to be.

But…

No more buts, she scowled. "I've given you full rein these past few years. You've courted umpteen women, and now you've insulted a third fiancée?"

She threw down the broken bow and put her hands on her hips. Now, you're to ride out immediately with a small contingent of men and chase after the countess – do you hear? And when you find her, I want you to apologise profusely – beg if you have to.

Please, Mother, no! Not the whistleblower!

I don't want to hear it! I've had it up to here with your excuses, Romeo. There's no way on earth I'm standing before the nation to announce yet another wedding cancellation. The ceremony is going ahead this weekend, come hell or high water – do you understand?

Romeo folded his arms and stood there, tight-lipped.

"Do you understand?" she repeated more firmly.

Yes, Mother, he replied finally through gritted teeth.

She studied his reluctant expression. I have a number of important engagements today, but when I return to the palace, I hope for your sake that I shall hear good news.

And with that, she turned on her heel and headed back towards the palace.

Romeo's eyes narrowed as he watched her leave. You're not the only one who can throw their toys out of the playpen, Mother, he thought. Two can play at this game. He glanced down at his pitiful, crumpled bow, jaw clenched. And if you think I'm marrying that wretched whistleblower, you've got another thing coming.

Chapter 2

What do you think of this, Dad? Rose asked, taking a burgundy dress off a clothing rail in the bustling marketplace of Avalonia. She held it up to her. Do you think it'll suit me?

Arthur's deep brown eyes beamed back as he stood beside her, holding their horses' reins. Princess, it's perfect. Matches that gorgeous red hair of yours… Young Frederick will love you in it, I'm sure. And it'll look a sight better on you than that green tunic and those riding trousers you're wearing.

Needs must, Rose shrugged. I wasn't about to ride side-saddle, the distance we're travelling. It'd be far too uncomfortable.

Indeed, Arthur nodded. Anyway, don't go buying up the whole stall, will yer? We've barely any spare room in our saddlebags.

She lowered the dress. You know, Dad, I'm not so sure about this idea of yours – to set me up as a possible marriage match with Frederick, I mean. He lives so far away from home. And I haven't seen him since we were in our early teens. He's bound to have changed quite a lot since then. Do you really think he could be the right man for me?

Who knows, Arthur replied. We can but try. Besides, it's too late to turn back home now. I've written to his father, Nathan, and he's willing for us to visit and see how you and Frederick get on. If you feel the spark of true love between you, you could be married this very weekend.

Rose heaved a gloomy sigh. "Hmm… I can't help thinking it'll be the same with Frederick as all the rest. I mean, there must be some reason why no man has ventured forth to offer his hand in marriage yet. Do you think it's because… well, because I'm just not beautiful enough?"

Arthur's eyebrows flew up. "Are you kidding? Sweetheart, we live out in the countryside. What do you expect? It's slim pickings as far as suitors go, you know that. I wouldn't have chosen to leave Ingerland and travel all the way to Dalmashia if there'd been plenty of decent fellas in our neck of the woods."

He looked her over. Quite honestly, though, I don't know how you can't see what I see. I mean, just look at you! You're a sight to behold. Your mother would be proud of what you've become – if she were still alive, bless her. You've turned into an intelligent and beautiful young lady.

Rose replaced the dress on the rack, looking glum. Noticing her expression, Arthur frowned. Hold on! Where's all this negative talk coming from?

She sifted idly through the clothing on the rail, as if she didn't hear him.

Rose! What have you been up to? he asked slowly. Then a hideous thought occurred to him. Oh, no! Don't tell me. You've been rooting round your mother's old things in the attic, haven't you? You've found that damn mirror.

She gave him an awkward look. Well…

He shook his head. I knew I should've locked that chest with Marigold's personal possessions in it, he muttered. "That thing ruined your mother's life – you know that? And it'll ruin yours, too, if you let it… There was many a time I'd catch her staring into the wretched thing. I can just hear her now… 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?' she'd ask… Well, what sort of answer did she expect to receive? The mirror would always throw back the name of someone who was more attractive, wouldn't it? But I'd try to tell her: beauty's only skin deep. And to me, your mother was always the fairest of them all. She had such a kind heart."

Look, Dad, I'm sorry. Truly I am, Rose pleaded. I didn't realise it would upset you so. I just stumbled upon it when I was looking through Mum's things last week. I thought to bring her old wedding dress along – you know, just in case I was to be married to Frederick.

Arthur's jaw tensed in frustration. That chuffin' sister of hers. She gave that mirror to your mother as a gift, supposedly as a peace offering. I warned Marigold not to trust her, but she fell for it anyway. That mirror's been nothing but a flippin' menace. And I would've smashed it a long time ago, only I was worried it might unleash some sort of…

He stopped short and Rose frowned. "Unleash what?"

Arthur raked an anxious hand through his salt-and-pepper black hair, realising he might be easily overheard in the busy marketplace. He leaned in and lowered his voice. If you ask me, the mirror had a curse upon it, an evil enchantment. And the last thing I wanted to do was smash it and unleash that kind of energy into the world.

Rose rolled her eyes.