You Taught Me What It Feels Like To Fall In Love

By K.C Poitras

She thought she had everything. A loving husband. A beautiful family. A great job. But things aren't always as they seem, and darkness can engulf you in the blink of an eye. Now, she needs to find her light to survive.

Isabelle's life was perfect. She couldn't want or ask for more. That is, until her husb

• Language: English
• Publisher: K.C. Poitras
• Release date: May 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9789692293051

Book preview

1

The Ending To A New Beginning

Isabelle knows that she’s not happy. The issue is what to do about it.

She often relives the day that changed her life forever over a year ago. She heard the knock on the door. She hurries down the hall through their small home in St Petersburg. She still tasted the toothpaste, having just brushed her teeth. Smelled the rain as she opened the door. Her chest tightens and her breathing labored. She saw the officer standing there. His hat in his hands. His head hung low. slowly looking at her. She hears herself say,

May I help you? The officer asked,

Mrs. Isabelle Reeves? Isabelle hears herself say,

Yes, that’s me. Then she recalls going numb as the officer catches her. She remembers awakening on the sofa. wondered if she was dreaming. until she saw the officer. She remembered the unthinkable.

There’s been an accident. I’m sorry to say. Your husband Luke Reeves was in a multi-car accident on the highway I-75. when the police arrived. they found him dead on the scene. The officer said.

At 48, Isabelle moved away from the town where she grew up, surrounded by family. She left Vermont and moved to Florida with her husband Luck and their daughter Hope. When she looked back, it was great at first. like being on vacation for an entire year. Her marriage was strong, their love was deep. They’d been through tough times, had only one baby. a girl. named Hope. Luke meant everything to Isabelle. She lived for him and Hope. They had been inseparable. Life progressively grew worse as time passed. Hope was twenty and attended Florida Gulf Coast University in Ft Myers. Isabelle is going through empty nest syndrome. She missed Hope. Luke tried telling her it’s their time now. Finally, they could do whatever their heart’s desired. They had a multitude of memorable events. They took their bikes out, riding with others when the weather was nice.

They joined friends for football every Sunday. They took turns on who would host the game. Most recently, she sold her consulting firm for one and a half million dollars. Life had treated them well. She shivers now after so long ago, thinking about that dreadful morning. For weeks, she stayed with her mother and didn’t get out of bed. Her depression all too real. She was lonely and missed Hope. Frustrated, Isabelle takes a deep breath. Holding her phone in her hand, staring at it. willing it to ring. She wanted to hear Luke’s voice one last time. She had so many questions for him. Where did the money go? Why did he go riding that morning?

Isabelle remembered the helplessness as tears rolled down Hope’s sweet face at the funeral that day. Knowing there wasn’t a single thing she could do or say to help her with the loss of her dad. Isabelle had encouraged her to go back to school. It took a lot of talking and with the help of Isabelle’s mom Jenny, she finally went back to school. angry. Now they rarely hear from her. Watching Hope drive away crushed Isabelle as she walked back inside. Her breathing shallow and chest tight, wondering if this was it. the heart attack she’d feared for so many years.

She knew she needed to get help. quit living with flashbacks of that horrible day, the moments, the feelings, the nightmares. She remembered the slow kisses and the touch of his hands. She knew every curve of every inch of his body. They were married 22 years. High School sweethearts. College roommates. Then husband and wife, then finally parents. Her only thought at that moment was thank God Hope wasn’t on the bike with him. She took a few more deep breaths as she remembers more of her past with Luck.

Dinner's ready, come and eat, she said. She waited for a few minutes to pass. Isabelle hates to cook and have it cold. she expects dinner to be hot when eaten.

Be there in a minute. We’re almost done with our game of basketball, Luke says from the garage. Running her fingers through her hair. wanting to pull it out. Her stress level just kept escalating, and she wondered if she’ll ever be happy again. Shutting her eyes tight and shaking her head. Isabelle tries to fight off the memories and feelings. Her heart ached, feeling like she was floating away like a feather in the wind. She closed her eyes. She can feel herself in Luke’s arms, he’s holding her close. Quickly and with purpose she stands up. Isabelle wipes the sweat beading up on her forehead with her chilly hands that shook. Her memories so vivid and real.

2

A break from reality

Now on a plane back to Vermont, Isabelle appreciates the Pilot’s skills. She hates to fly. This flight was a seamless one. with very little turbulence. Trying to relax and exhausted, she quickly falls asleep. Jarring awake when feeling the plane hit the tarmac. Reaching to unbuckle the seat belt, she retrieves her carry-on bag from the overhead. With a loud sigh, tapping the seat, Isabelle waits for what appears to be the slowest people on earth getting off the plane. She always purchased a seat at the front of the plane, taking her less time to exit.

She smiled when she saw her stepdad.

Here, let me take that, said Miles.

Thanks, she said.

Handing him her overnight bag. Miles was an old country boy, sporting a day-old beard on his face. He’s tall and thin and has a heart of gold. He would give the shirt off his back to someone literally and did so before. There is very little anyone could ask of him he would deny them. On the ride home, Isabelle looked at all the fall foliage that Vermont had. There was some of the prettiest foliage she’d seen. She admired the vibrant colors of golds, oranges, and reds, only a few of the colors the trees offered. As the brisk air hits her face, Isabelle, feeling a sense of freedom, thought. I’m home.

They pulled onto a gravel driveway, reaching Jenny and Miles’ home. A massive chalet. the trees had lost their bloom and its leaves turning into the beautiful fall colors. Isabelle sees her mom come out to greet her with a hug. The home is country, an old farmhouse, has a vast fireplace in the middle of the one floor home. White on white everywhere with rich wood accents.

I’m so happy you are here, Jenny said.

Me too, Isabelle replied. Inside, she puts her luggage in the bedroom, looked out the window at the lawn that spans over five acres. The room was pleasant, with a luxurious overstuffed comforter on the bed.

She remembered how comfortable that bed was. Hardwood floors covered in a warm oak color. Smiling, calm and anxious free Isabelle joined her mom in the kitchen. She is finishing up dinner. It smelled delicious. Suddenly Isabelle is starving. The hint of the old bay gave away that seafood was for dinner. Jenny, a smaller person, stood a little over five feet tall. She was a strong, no nonsense woman, whom worked hard and demanded respect.

Isabelle, help yourself. make a plate, Jenny said.

Ok, let me wash my hands. It smells delicious. I’m starving, Isabelle said. As her stomach growled. She put some seafood boil on her plate and joined them at the table.

Have you talked to Hope today? Jenny asked. And glanced at Miles. which didn’t go unnoticed by Isabelle.

I think I’m going to watch some television, Miles said, leaving the room. His body sagged, and he limped. age was catching up with him.

No, I haven’t. I’ll call her after dinner. I’ll be lucky if she picks up, Isabelle said, trying to change the subject Isabelle asked,

How’s Miles doing, he’s looking so skinny?

He is. I’m worried to death about him. He keeps losing weight, he’s forgetful and most days hard to live with. Jenny replied.

The sound from the television drifts in the noise of a gunfight in a western. his hearing was going as well. Isabelle thought.

Wow, that sucks. Has he gone to the doctors? She said.

Yes. they have found nothing yet, Jenny answered. Tired, Isabelle escapes to her mom’s study, it’s a cozy room, much smaller than the bedroom. With new carpet. warm cream colors the walls. Her mom’s old desk, used for thirty years of her career, sat in the corner. Sitting on it, a lamp shadowed the room. including a computer and too many piles of paper to find anything. Hanging on the wall are pictures of the grandkids and a large television playing the local news. The volume turned down.

When Jenny joined her, she started playing cards on the computer. Jenny and Miles both retired three years ago. Isabelle’s phone rang. Knowing the ringtone was Hope, she answers right away, butterflies in her gut. With chilly hands, she rubs her temples. Isabelle knew things weren’t the best between them right now. After the funeral, Hope became distant, and they spoke less and less. Most often, Hope wouldn’t pick up when Isabelle called her.

How’s it going? Hope asked.

Not bad, just chilling talking to mom. How is school? There was a pause as

Isabelle’s pulse picked up speed. She wondered if Hope had hung up.

It’s ok. Listen, I might be off the grid for a few weeks. Me and some friends are going to the Bahamas, Hope said. Isabelle closed her eyes. she had a full-blown headache, this wasn’t helping. She laid her head back on the chair.

Ok, and what’s in the Bahamas? Isabelle asked. She rubbed her temples again and hoped the headache would go away soon. wondering what now.

We want to help clean up after that big hurricane, mom. I’m twenty, you know, Said. Hope.

When? Let’s talk more about this tomorrow. I’m not thrilled with you missing school. I’ve got a headache coming on. Talk tomorrow? Isabelle said. Hope hangs up. Hope’s sarcasm and frustration in her voice had not escaped Isabelle. After the fight the next day over The Bahama’s, Isabelle ordered Domino’s Pizza to surprise Hope with a pizza.

"I have a silly request. Can I have a pepperoni pizza delivered. But here’s the request. Will you put the pepperoni in the shape of a heart and spell out miss you?" Isabelle felt her face grow warm as she embarrassingly relayed the special request.

What a lucky guy, I’m going to deliver this one myself, the pizza guy said. Isabelle laughed.

Well, it’s not a guy, it’s for my daughter at college. She explained to the pizza guy. He laughed and said. He’d still take it himself, and her daughter was lucky. Isabelle thanked him and hung up. Hours later, Hope called her and thanked her mom. The call ended abruptly when Hope said.

I’ve got to run. we’re all going out. Bye. Hope said. and hung up. Isabelle was a little put out by the quick conversation. thinking, I guess it’s better than nothing.

3

Rescue Isabelle & Hope

Over the last two weeks, friends told Isabelle they had seen Hope out with Harry and skipping classes. When Isabelle questioned Hope about this, she explained they were friends and she wasn’t skipping classes.

Frankly, mom it’s none of your business, Hope said.

Something just didn’t feel right. Isabelle’s gut feelings were usually dead on and she had the most horrible feeling. Deep in the pit of her stomach. She felt the stress of the situation. Isabelle had been with her mom and stepdads for two weeks. talking to Hope three times.

I’m no longer hanging out with Harry, mom. Damn I am an adult you know. Hope said., Isabelle could tell she upset her. But this was the way it was going to be. She was still her mother.

Hope, this isn’t an option. We pay for your schooling and living expenses. I will fly back. She said, her pulse racing as she paced the floor.

YOU pay for my tuition and expenses. Don’t you mom. Dad is dead, remember? Hope said. Isabelle felt the sting of that comment to her core. Like someone had punched her in the gut. Her daughter or alien knew how to strike below the belt.

I’ll let you know when I’ll be arriving. And hung up. Isabelle tossed her phone across the room. Thankful that it landed on the bed and not on the floor to shatter. Her mind was all over the place. Hope, leaving, not wanting to return to Florida. As she laid across the bed, her feet dangling over the side, face down like a rag doll. Memories rushed in. Abruptly, she sat up when someone knocked on the door.

It’s me, can I come in? Jenny said. With a sigh. Isabelle thought. I just want to be alone in my misery.

Sure, come on in. She answered. Her mother opened the door. It swooshed some air into the room. Slowly going to the bed, she sat next to her daughter.

Is everything ok? Jenny asked, looking at her with frowned eyebrows and perched lips. Her hands folded in her lap. As she twirled her wedding rings around her finger.

I don’t want to go home. I’m happier here for now. There are fewer memories of the last couple of years, here, Isabelle explained. Her voice cracked, and she shook as if she was a window in a hurricane. She knew she needed to be with her daughter. It pulled at her heart more than anything. She had a gut feeling something was wrong, especially after all she’d heard from a few mutual friends. She had to pack up and leave.

Isabelle, go take care of her. Get through to her, Jenny said. Standing up to leave. She turned around and looked at Isabelle.

You’re strong, you can do this. She assured her and left the room. After her mom left, she picked up her phone. Looking at it, Isabelle sent Hope a text message:

"She’ll be home by 6pm" and caught the next plane out. Once there, Isabelle was swiftly told by Hope

She’d lost her mother when she lost her father, to get out. Surely, she didn’t hear right. She stands there as still as a statue, looking at Hope. Thinking back to their conversations, since Luke died. Trying to remember how or why it went so wrong. She searched Hope’s face to see what she’d missed. Finding her words, she choked out,

Are you serious?

Tears rolled down her face, she’d never felt pain like this in her entire life, never felt so betrayed, never felt like her heart abruptly got ripped out of her chest. Even with Luke getting killed. It was no comparison to her daughter’s hateful words. Isabelle still felt the sting of her hand smacking Hope across the face. When she turned and ran to her car. She felt the lowest in her life. Her heart beating so fast she thought she might pass out if she didn’t sit down. She’s alone, totally alone for the first time in 44 years. Mind racing, shivering as tears rolled down her face. Isabelle didn’t know how she’d make it through this. But had to be stronger than this to save Hope. Isabelle called Jenny and told her what had happened and asked if she could come back home. Then flew back to Vermont. her stepdad picked her up from the airport again. That was the start to the end of the life Isabelle knew.

It was single-handedly the most surreal experience. Here she was, almost 45, with no home, no job, no husband and now apparently for reasons unknown to her, no daughter. When she got to her mom’s, still crying, she dropped on the bed, like the weight of the world was crushing her into the mattress. She couldn’t bear the pain of this. She had left her daughter. Hope. Not fighting it. She’s twenty, right? Isabelle thought. No, not right. She should have fought harder for Hope. after her dad’s death. Isabelle was not about to lose her too. She had to heal herself before she could be of any use to Hope. Alone, laying on the bed, Isabelle’s tears flowed like a stream, feeling like a knife had pierced her repeatedly in the heart. She recalled their last fight and how she pleaded with Hope to talk to her. They’d a good relationship most of Hope’s life, but Hope wouldn’t budge. Emotionless and cold faced, Hope had slammed the door in her mother’s face.

For two weeks she didn’t get dressed, stayed in bed, only leaving her room to eat, shower and go back to bed. Her heart still hurt as much if not more than it did two weeks earlier. Jenny knocked on the door one morning, walked in and sat on the bed next to Isabelle.

You’ve got to get up, live life, get over this, get help, Hope needs you. Jenny said.

I know, it just hurts so much. Isabelle responded.

Heavy-hearted, Isabelle gets out of bed. She showered and immediately called a help line and put in touch with a counselor. Isabelle had her first appointment scheduled for the next day. For most of the day, she mopped around the house. Respected and appreciated by Isabelle, her mom and Miles. let her be. Taking her anxiety medicine, she headed out to meet her new counselor. She’d seen several counselors in her life, but this one had the most impact. Helping Isabelle learn techniques to relieve her anxiety helped her realize life would go on. That none of this was her fault, and she hadn’t completely mourned the loss of Luke. Unlike Isabella had originally thought. Even though she realized she missed Hope. the counselor helped Isabelle understand what Hope might go through and how to be there for her. Isabelle lived life little by little. growing stronger and feeling better. She reached out to her friends the beach bitches, that’s what they called themselves. For over a year, the three of them went to the beach every Wednesday and Sunday. No kids, no guys. They were all married and had kids. Isabelle worked with Sheila and had met her three years ago. When they first moved to Florida. They were inseparable. Rode Harley’s together as couples. went bar hopping and hung out at the beach and pool. She missed the beach bitches. It felt like a lifetime ago. a different life.

On the way home, her phone rang. It’s Hope. She explained she’s got to give up the house she was renting because she couldn’t afford it. Isabelle asked. Where she would stay.

At a friend’s place, Hope replied.

Her voice broke up a little. not because of the cell service. Isabelle noted and tapped the steering wheel and then gripped it tightly. Breath she told herself.

What friend? Isabelle asked.

Don’t get upset mom, I’m going to move in with Harry, we ran into each other the other day, got to talking, he needs a roommate. Hope said.

Is this for real, please don’t move in with him, he’s no good for you. I can help financially. Isabelle said. The line was dead. Hope had already hung up.

Isabelle sat the phone down in the passenger’s seat. Tears welled up, burning her eyes, and felt another crushing blow to her heart. In the back of her mind, Isabelle knew she would worry to death about Hope’s wellbeing now. She also knew she was probably going to rescue her eventually. Harry had a track record of abusing women. She shivered at the thought of someone laying a hand on Hope. Even with a blow like this, Isabelle was stronger than she’d ever been in her life. She’d never forget the counselor that helped her find her balance and her strength. She helped her grieve a death and explained how grief worked. Isabelle had another issue to deal with as well. Where did all the money go? What did Luke do with it all, she hired a private investigator. She wondered when she’d be hearing from them it had only been a few weeks.

Isabelle started taking trips on weekends to the ocean. It was heart wrenching to leave, and it was time to move closer to the ocean and Hope. It’s the place that held and healed her soul. Deciding after self-reflecting and many lawyers, it was time to move back to Florida. Finding out all the money’s gone. Spent or sent to an account and spent wildly random, a car, a boat, expensive hotels and bottles of scotch. She also learned Luke had a mistress. This was another enormous blow to her recovery, which was one of her very first friends when she, Luke, and Hope had moved to Florida. Isabelle knew at some point it was time to move on. Leaving her hometown for a good reason the first time three years ago, and for the same reasons, she is leaving again. To live her own life away from the judgments, criticizing and toxicity that she allowed.

She’d cut her puppet strings and opened her life to freedom. Pushing her fears aside, not allowing her anxiety to stop her, she moved forward. It wasn’t an option. she had to go back to Florida. Renting a U-Haul, loading it and towing her SUV. it was nightfall by the time she hit the road. The air felt thick, her breathing was heavy. The headlights were bright, and it was eerie out. Trying not to let her fear get the best of her. Isabelle turned up the radio, then turned it down. She rolled the window down and smoked a cigarette. That seemed to calm her a bit. Her heart wasn’t pounding as it had when she started her journey back to Florida. After driving for around four hours, Isabelle looks for a place big enough to pull through. She couldn’t back up towing the car. She found a gas station, filled up with gas, it’s a rundown little town it’s late, her anxiety high. The dirty place smelled of stale coffee, cigarettes and gas. Quickly she used the facilities, purchased coffee and water and hit the road. The closer she got to Florida. her anxiety decreased. This was an enormous accomplishment for Isabelle. There was a time she couldn’t even drive to a store three blocks away because of her anxiety. Nine out of ten times she would turn around during a panic attack and never make it to the store.

After calling Hope to let her know she was in Florida, she gave her the address and asked her to please come stay with her. She declined but said.

She would meet her there to visit and help unload. The relationship between mother and daughter was still on slippery grounds, but both were trying. As she drove through the neighborhood. Isabelle thought it was a quaint little neighborhood, lots of green grass, palms. It was a sunny, warm day. Isabelle started getting anxious she thinks where the hell is this place. Feeling like she’d never get there, she found the street she now lived on and pulled into the driveway. The house was a decent sized one with three bedrooms, two baths and a two-car garage. It had a pool and a wonderful lanai area. Not an awful place at all. The walls were a warm toasted color, large, white ceramic