Corporate Speak: Modern Translations for Bullshit Company Talk

By J. Grant

One day you're staring out the window of your office - actually, you're staring out the window across the room of cubicles you sit in for nearly 60 hours per week - when your boss pops his fat head in to tell you to "think outside the box" on this project he's dumping on your lap. What the actual hell does that even mean? "Think outside the box"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Full Metal Worldwide
• Release date: Jul 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781735386300

Book preview

1

Prologue

Who exactly is this book for?

If you picked up this book hoping to find some inspiration that will help you in your career— sorry.

This is a tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic riff on the favorite phrases that we’ve all come to know if you’ve ever spent any time at all in a corporate setting.

What’s worse is that you’ve probably had to use these phrases yourself just to make it through the day because inevitably there’s some C-level Executive who just got back from a f*cking sales seminar in Las Vegas that is just bursting at the seams to use all the buzzwords ever created.

He’s synergized, uber-focused, and ready for positive growth in his ecosystem. He even found time to make a Tik Tok account to get into the mind-space of young folks.

All you wanted from the break room was a cup of this nasty ass coffee but he’s got you cornered. You’d chew your own arm off if it meant you could get away from this conversation, but no luck.

You can just feel in the way he talks about the mission critical objective of the company needing to move the needle that he’s gonna send out a company-wide email before noon.

So, you stare off into the void and utter something like that outta give the team some much-needed synergy. You also die a little inside.

This book is not to be taken seriously beyond a good laugh and a I’ve been there before moment of head shaking.

Don’t share it with your boss if he uses any of these phrases. He won’t find it funny. You’ll suddenly become a bad fit for the company and you’ll end up in the unemployment line doing angry hand jobs in exchange for bus fare.

Ok, maybe not, but he definitely won’t find this funny.

Neither will Father O’Sullivan, because I curse a lot when I write. Also when I talk. But more so when I write.

But if you want to know who has a sense of humor in your office, feel free to share around because you’ll find that out real quick.

Most Senior Level Vice Presidents and anyone