The Two Angry Women of Abingdon

By Henry Porter

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Good Press
• Release date: Apr 11, 2021
• ISBN: 4064066459598

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Henry Porter

The Two Angry Women of Abingdon

Published by Good Press, 2021

[e-mail]

EAN 4064066459598

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                              PROLOGUE

GENTLEMEN, I come to ye like one that lacks and would borrow, but was loth to

ask, lest he should be denied: I would ask, but I would ask to obtain; O, would

I knew that manner of asking! To beg were base; and to couch low, and to carry

an humble show of entreaty, were too dog-like, that fawns on his master to get a

bone from his trencher: out, cur! I cannot abide it; to put on the shape and

habit of this new world's new-found beggars, mis-termed soldiers, as thus:

"Sweet gentlemen, let a poor scholar implore and exerate that your would make

him rich in the possession of a mite of your favours, to keep him a true man in

wit, and to pay for his lodging among the Muses! so God him help, he is driven

to a most low estate! 'tis not unknown what service of words he hath been at; he

lost his limbs in a late conflict of flout; a brave repulse and a hot assault it

was, he doth protest, as ever he saw, since he knew what the report of a volley

of jests were; he shall therefore desire you"—A plague upon it, each beadle

disdained would whip him from your company. Well, gentlemen, I cannot tell how

to get your favours better than by desert: then the worse luck, or the worse

wit, or somewhat, for I shall not now deserve it. Well, then, I commit myself to

my fortunes and your contents; contented to die, if your severe judgments shall

judge me to be stung to death with the adder's hiss.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

 Master GOURSEY.

 Master BARNES.

 FRANCIS GOURSEY.

 PHILIP BARNES.

 SIR RALPH SMITH.

 DICK COOMES, Servant to Master Goursey.

 HODGE, Servant to Master Goursey.

 NICHOLAS, alias PROVERBS, Servant to Master Barnes.

 WILL, Servant to Sir Ralph Smith.

 Boy.

 Other Servants.

 Mistress GOURSEY.

 Mistress BARNES.

 MALL BARNES.

 Lady SMITH.

SCENE—ABINGDON and the Neighbourhood.

                 ACT THE FIRST.

           SCENE I.—Master BARNES'S House.

Enter Master GOURSEY and his Wife, and Master BARNES and his Wife,

with their two Sons, FRANCIS and PHILIP, and their two Servants.

MAST. GOUR. Good Master Barnes, this entertain of yours,

So full of courtesy and rich delight,

Makes me misdoubt my poor ability

In quittance of this friendly courtesy.

Mast. Bar. O Master Goursey, neighbour-amity

Is such a jewel of high-reckoned worth,

As for the attain of it what would not I

Disburse, it is so precious in my thoughts!

Mast. Gour. Kind sir, near-dwelling amity indeed

Offers the heart's inquiry better view

Than love that's seated in a farther soil:

As prospectives, the nearer that they be,

Yield better judgment to the judging eye;

Things seen far off are lessened in the eye,

When their true shape is seen being hard by.

Mast. Bar. True, sir, 'tis so; and truly I esteem

Mere amity, familiar neighbourhood,

The cousin-german unto wedded love.

Mast. Gour. Ay, sir, there's surely some alliance 'twixt them,

For they have both the offspring from the heart:

Within the heart's-blood-ocean still are found

Jewels of amity and gems of love.

Mast. Bar. Ay, Master Goursey, I have in my time

Seen many shipwrecks of true honesty;

But incident such dangers ever are

To them that without compass sail so far:

Why, what need men to swim, when they may wade?—

But leave this talk, enough of this is said:

And, Master Goursey, in good faith, sir, welcome;—

And, Mistress Goursey, I am much in debt

Unto your kindness that would visit me.

Mis. Gour. O Master Barnes, you put me but in mind

Of that which I should say; 'tis we that are

Indebted to your kindness for this cheer:

Which debt that we may repay, I pray let's have

Sometimes your company at our homely house.

Mis. Bar. That, Mistress Goursey, you shall surely have;

He will be a bold guest, I warrant ye,

And bolder too with you than I would have him.

Mis. Gour. How, do you mean he will be bold with me?

Mis. Bar. Why, he will trouble you at home, forsooth,

Often call in, and ask ye how ye do;

And sit and chat with you all day till night,

And all night too, if he might have his will.

Mast. Bar. Ay, wife, indeed I thank her for her kindness;

She hath made me much good cheer passing that way.

Mis. Bar. Passing well-done of her, she is a kind wench.

I thank ye, Mistress Goursey, for my husband;

And if it hap your husband come our way

A-hunting or such ordinary sports,

I'll do as much for yours as you for mine.

Mast. Gour. Pray do, forsooth.—God's Lord, what means the woman?

She speaks it scornfully: faith, I care not;

Things are well-spoken, if they be well-taken. [Aside.

What, Mistress Barnes, is it not time to part?

Mis. Bar. What's a-clock, sirrah?

Nich. 'Tis but new-struck one.

Mast. Gour. I have some business in the town by three.

Mast. Bar. Till then let's walk into the orchard, sir.

What, can you play at tables?

Mast. Gour. Yes, I can.

Mast. Bar. What, shall we have a game?

Mast. Gour. And if you please.

Mast. Bar. I'faith, content; we'll spend an hour so. Sirrah, fetch the

tables.

Nich. I will, sir. [Exit.

    Phil. Sirrah Frank, whilst they are playing here,

We'll to the green to bowls.

Fran. Philip, content, Coomes, come hither, sirrah:

When our fathers part, call us upon the green.

Philip, come, a rubber, and so leave.

Phil. Come on. [Exeunt PHILIP and FRANCIS.

Coomes. 'Sblood, I do not like the humour of these springals; they'll

spend all their father's good at gaming. But let them trowl the bowls upon the

green. I'll trowl the bowls in the buttery by the leave of God and Master

Barnes: an his men be good fellows, so it is; if they be not, let them go snick

up. [Exit.

            Enter NICHOLAS with the tables.

    Mast. Bar. So, set them down.

Mistress Goursey, how do you like this game?

Mis. Gour. Well, sir.

Mast. Bar. Can ye play at it?

Mis. Gour. A little, sir.

Mast. Bar. Faith, so can my wife.

Mis. Gour. Why, then, Master Barnes, and if you please,

Our wives shall try the quarrel 'twixt us two,

And we'll look on.

Mast. Bar. I am content. What, woman, will you play?

Mis. Gour. I care not greatly.

Mis. Bar. Nor I, but that I think she'll play me false.

Mast. Gour. I'll see she shall not.

Mis. Bar. Nay, sir, she will be sure you shall not see; You, of all

men, shall not mark her hand;

She hath such close conveyance in her play.

Mast. Gour. Is she so cunning grown? Come, come, let's see.

Mis. Gour. Yea, Mistress Barnes, will ye not house your jests,

But let them roam abroad so carelessly?

Faith, if your jealous tongue utter another,

I'll cross ye with a jest, an ye were my mother.—

Come, shall we play? [Aside.

    Mis. Bar. Ay, what shall we play a game?

Mis. Gour. A pound a game.

Mast. Gour. How, wife?

Mis. Gour. Faith, husband, not a farthing less.

Mast. Gour. It is too much; a shilling were good game.

Mis. Gour. No, we'll be ill-huswives once;

You have been oft ill husbands: let's alone.

Mast. Bar. Wife, will you play so much?

Mis. Bar. I would be loth to be so frank a gamester

As Mistress Goursey is; and yet for once

I'll play a pound a game as well as she.

Mast. Bar. Go to, you'll have your will.

                                   [Offers to go from them.

    Mis. Bar. Come, there's my stake.

Mis. Gour. And there's mine.

Mis. Bar. Throw for the dice. Ill luck! then they are yours.

Mast. Bar. Master Goursey, who says that gaming's bad,

When such good angels walk 'twixt every cast?

Mast. Gour. This is not noble sport,