Mending Our Union: Healing Our Communities Through Courageous Conversations

By J. Christopher Collins

"A well-researched book with timely anecdotes, Mending Our Union is an important addition to what St. Paul calls the Ministry of Reconciliation."
--Jack Danforth, former U.N. Ambassador, U.S. Senator, and author of Faith and Politics: How the "Moral Values" Debate Divides America and How to Move Forward Together

"J. Christopher Collins 'GETS IT' that change begins with oneself, and if courageous enough we can reach out to the margins of differences to bring us together in dialogue and hearing one another. Thank you for this profound book, for opening windows to new life, for lessons and ways to change our world."
--Rev. Cecil Williams, Co-Founder, GLIDE, Minister of Liberation Emeritus, GLIDE Church

"A real page turner, Mending Our Union is a must read. J. Christopher Collins skillfully weaves stories and soul searching struggles about his own divisive assumptions of other people. Chris has accomplished inclusion of deeply thoughtful research-statistics, historical data and academic studies. The tensions he openly discusses in his book are true learning moments for me personally."
--Janice Mirikitani, Co-Founder, GLIDE, San Francisco Poet Laureate, 2000

"Key reading for people that want to retire the polarized wrecking ball undermining our relationships and our capacity to address complex challenges as a nation."
--Joan Blades, co-founder LivingRoomConversations.org, MomsRising.org & MoveOn.org

"A very important book, one that is essential reading in our hyper-polarized times. Practical and hope-filled, Mending Our Union offers a helpful path for healing our divided world. I highly recommend it."
--Rev. Adam Hamilton, best-selling and award-winning author of Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White and Unafraid: Living with Courage and Hope in Uncertain Times

"An empowering message filled with practical suggestions, Mending Our Union invites us all to reflect on the responsibility we bear to cultivate new skills, change personal behaviors, and shift societal norms towards less rancorous, more respectful, interactions with one another."
--Kristin Hansen, Executive Director, Civic Health Project

"A timely guide that weaves personal stories and practical tips seamlessly, humanizing the experience of bridging work and providing structure for us to navigate our differences across class, race, and politics."
--Justine Lee, co-creator of Make America Dinner Again and partner of LivingRoomConversations.org

Every four years in America, presidential candidates make grand promises to heal the divisions that threaten to tear our country apart. Yet the divisions persist-and deepen. How can this be? The answer is clear. Our government is a reflection of ourselves; it would not be divided if we-the people-were not so polarized.

In response to this toxic culture of division, J. Christopher Collins founded the Different Together project at the legendary Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco, California. Collins has created opportunities for courageous conversations among people who don't share the same views about politics, religion, or race. And it's making a difference. Participants say, "Different Together calms me." "I'm less dismissive of others' opinions." "This restores my faith in humanity."

In this book you will discover how to be a healer of division in your community. Based on real-world experience from the frontlines of this domestic peacebuilding movement, Collins equips the reader with tools to face our differences head-on, persevere through discomfort, and embrace the peace and joy that results from doing this critical work.

Together, Collins argues, we can mend our union and heal our divisions before they irrevocably tear us apart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: J. Christopher Collins
• Release date: Dec 23, 2020

Book preview

PRAISE

"A well-researched book with timely anecdotes, Mending Our Union is an important addition to what St. Paul calls the Ministry of Reconciliation."

—Jack Danforth, former U.N. Ambassador,

U.S. Senator, and author of Faith and Politics: How the Moral Values Debate Divides America and How to Move Forward Together

J. Christopher Collins ‘GETS IT’ that change begins with oneself, and if courageous enough we can reach out to the margins of differences to bring us together in dialogue and hearing one another. Thank you for this profound book, for opening windows to new life, for lessons and ways to change our world.

—Rev. Cecil Williams, Co-Founder, GLIDE, Minister of Liberation Emeritus, GLIDE Church

"A real page turner, Mending Our Union is a must read. J. Christopher Collins skillfully weaves stories and soul-searching struggles about his own divisive assumptions of other people. Chris has accomplished inclusion of deeply thoughtful research–statistics, historical data and academic studies. The tensions he openly discusses in his book are true learning moments for me personally."

—Janice Mirikitani, Co-Founder, GLIDE, San Francisco Poet Laureate, 2000

In this wise, important, energized, book, J. Christopher Collins lifts us out of our chairs and guides us forward. The task of bridging the deepening partisan divide in America is now upon us all.

—Arlie Hochschild, Professor Emerita in the

Sociology Department at the University of California, Berkeley and author of Strangers in Their Own Land: Anger and Mourning on the American Right, a finalist for the National Book Award

J. Christopher Collins is taking on one of the most important challenges we face as Americans and doing it with honesty, courage and humility.

—Tim Phillips, Founder and CEO

of Beyond Conflict

"Key reading for people that want to retire the polarized wrecking ball undermining our relationships and our capacity to address complex challenges as a nation."

—Joan Blades, Co-founder

LivingRoomConversations.org, MomsRising.org & MoveOn.org

"A very important book, one that is essential reading in our hyper-polarized times. Practical and hope-filled, Mending Our Union offers a helpful path for healing our divided world. I highly recommend it."

—Rev. Adam Hamilton, Best-selling and

award-winning author of Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White and Unafraid: Living with Courage and Hope in Uncertain Times

"An empowering message filled with practical suggestions, Mending Our Union invites us all to reflect on the responsibility we bear to cultivate new skills, change personal behaviors, and shift societal norms towards less rancorous, more respectful, interactions with one another."

—Kristin Hansen, Executive Director,

Civic Health Project

A timely guide that weaves personal stories and practical tips seamlessly, humanizing the experience of bridging work and providing structure for us to navigate our differences across class, race, and politics.

—Justine Lee, Co-creator of

Make America Dinner Again and partner of LivingRoomConversations.org

Mending Our Union

Healing Our Communities Through Courageous Conversations

J. Christopher Collins

Copyright © 2021 by J. CHRISTOPHER COLLINS

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, scanning, recording, photocopying, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is engaged in rendering legal, investment, accounting or other professional services. While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional when appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, personal, or other damages.

MENDING OUR UNION

Healing Our Communities Through Courageous Conversations

By J. CHRISTOPHER COLLINS

1. SOC070000 2. SOC000000 3. POL034000

ISBN: 978-1-949642-55-1

EBOOK: 978-1-949642-56-8

Cover design by LEWIS AGRELL

Printed in the United States of America

Authority Publishing

11230 Gold Express Dr. #310-413

Gold River, CA 95670

800-877-1097

www.AuthorityPublishing.com

To the congregation of Glide Memorial Church for showing me what it means to be radically inclusive.

Table of Contents

Part One:

Why We Have Healing Conversations

Chapter One: Discovering my responsibility

Chapter Two: Responding to skepticism

Chapter Three: Connecting with community

Chapter Four: Creating community

Chapter Five: Stretching our tightest muscles

Chapter Six: Confronting the past, revealing our wounds

Part Two:

How We Have Healing Conversations

Chapter Seven: Starting with kindness, persevering through tension

Chapter Eight: Engaging with the extremes

Chapter Nine: Relaxing the rules of civility

Chapter Ten: Understanding the root of division

Chapter Eleven: Engaging in healing interclass conversations

Chapter Twelve: Healing through tense conversations

Chapter Thirteen: Engaging in healing interracial conversations

Epilogue

Resources & Practical Guidelines

Four steps to heal division

Sharing our opinions through stories

Hosting conversations

Starter kit for hosting discussion for political differences

Starter kit for hosting interracial discussions

Hosting conversations based on a topic

Acknowledgements

Notes

Part One

Why We Have Healing Conversations

Chapter One

Discovering my responsibility

Lindsey and I stormed into the house like TV detectives intent on solving a high-profile murder case. Like skeptical prosecutors, my parents listened patiently. Someone did this on purpose! I loudly complained.

We have to find this person! Lindsey chimed in.

My sibling and I had just returned from walking our dog through the neighborhood park where we discovered piles of trash scattered everywhere. This treasured place had been ruined by someone, although we didn’t yet know who. We loved to take our dog Mattie there, release her into off-leash freedom, watching as she sprinted, mouth agape and smiling, across the grass and through a small wooded area that followed the winding contours of a creek.

But on this day, we saw thousands of pieces of garbage strewn across the field. The deeper into the park we walked, the more trash piles we stepped on and over. Outraged, Lindsey and I looked through the documents, searching for evidence that might reveal the perpetrator’s identity.

The memory of finding our beloved park spoiled by a huge mess comes to mind as I reflect on my beloved country. America is a mess. Regardless of race, gender, class, religion, or political party, we can all agree that we’re standing in or stepping in one mess after another—which seem deliberately and irresponsibly caused by someone else. Across the country, in private conversations and on social media, we mourn the loss of better, simpler days. I’ve dedicated my career to public service, and I grieve how America has fallen short of her promise to ensure justice and equality for each one of us.

In America, presidential candidates rally voters every four years with these familiar promises. It’s time we take our country back! We can restore the American Dream! Make America Great Again!

Presidential administrations come and go, their grandiose promises largely unrealized. We have relied on presidents to unite and heal our country, yet we only become more divided. The further we stray from our union, the more often personal frustration morphs into disdain or even contempt. And contempt morphs into hatred.

And that’s where our country is now: deeply divided.

Some say that we haven’t been this divided since the 1960s. Others say not since the Civil War. The truth is, the United States has always struggled with division. We were deeply divided years before the Civil War and during the Reconstruction era that followed the Union victory. We were deeply divided during the Civil Rights era, the Vietnam War, the impeachment of President Clinton, the second war in Iraq under President George W. Bush, and throughout the Obama and Trump administrations. It’s hard to know for sure if we are more divided today than we were in the past, but we do know that our divisions are now more amplified than ever before. Social media revolution has connected us directly to the most extreme views in our society while limiting our response to 140 characters or less. There’s little space or patience for nuance or context.

That has a real impact on our country and our communities. For the first time in Pew Research surveys dating back to 1992, majorities in both parties express very unfavorable views of the other party.¹ These sentiments are not just limited to policy proposals; it’s personal. Republicans and Democrats give very low ratings to the people in the opposing party—the people, not the policies. This survey shows that Americans largely believe that a person’s political views are a reflection of their character.

We make assumptions about one another, but then lack the skills to talk productively about them. When we do talk, it doesn’t go well. We were raised in an education system that rewards us for having the right answer and punishes us when we’re wrong. The right vs. wrong way of being continues into our adulthood. Our economic system rewards those who make the right decisions and punishes those who make the wrong decisions. Even our choices for entertainment, television dramas to football games, is shrouded in the competition between winners and losers. It’s deeply imbedded in us and our culture to be right, so when we talk about complicated issues facing our country, of course we naturally think that if we don’t win the argument, we’ve lost it. We pick a side and fight it out. Making matters worse, looking at a screen on social media rather than a face allows us to feel all too comfortable launching vicious, personal, and public attacks against one another in search of that must-win outcome.

When difficult conversations don’t go well—and why would they, under these circumstances?—we give up on having these conversations altogether. In order to keep peace with friends and family, our society has developed two rules: 1) Don’t talk about religion; 2) Don’t talk about politics. If you want to be super-safe, don’t even talk about sports because that, too, is now political. In 2017, 58 percent of people said that they dreaded having to talk politics with their families at Thanksgiving.² If we can’t talk about difficult subjects with our families, how can we learn how to have such conversations?

While avoiding these dreaded conversations may prevent some conflict at our Thanksgiving tables, it also starves us from understanding one another. From there, the problem self-perpetuates. Without knowing each other, we make assumptions with incomplete information. We retreat into spaces where our friends, churches, and news sources reinforce our beliefs. We are comfortable and seldom challenged. Political pundits who make incendiary remarks that we agree with make us feel good, but we feel mad, if not disgusted, when we hear the other side’s incendiary comments about us. The divisions grow even deeper when we close ourselves off to others’ ideas, a situation that social justice activist Van Jones aptly describes as intellectual scurvy.³

All of this inevitably impacts how we govern our democracy. If we see each other as enemies, then the people we elect to represent us would be well-advised to avoid anything that could be misconstrued as aiding or kowtowing to our enemies. This toxic way of governing harms us, whether we see it or not. Today we live in an era of routine government shutdowns as Congress regularly fails to pass an annual budget, its most basic duty. The other critical problems such as national debt, climate change, immigration, racism and poverty fester in the background. Republicans blame Democrats and Democrats blame Republicans. Everyone else is too fed up to pay attention.

I’ve had the chance to live and work in different areas of the U.S.A, and I have seen how we, the inhabitants of the U.S. and her territories, pin our hopes on politicians we trust to heal the country. But as a public policy geek, I have seen again and again that it has been we, the people, who actively uphold the culture of division. That means we are the ones who have the power to heal that divide. Our government is a reflection of ourselves; it would not be divided if we the people were not divided. From our snarky comments online, to our one-sided choice of news sources, and our avoidance of hard conversations, we contribute to division. It leads us to avoid difficult conversations about how to cooperate and solve problems.

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