Love Alternatively Expressed

By Zoe Duff

The story of a woman who, along with her partners, has been a Canadian public face for the cause of legal recognition for the loving poly (polyamory)families who raise healthy children in homes where many adults share one love. Her affidavit along with members of four other Canadian families was presented to the BC Supreme Court in the 2010 reference case on Section 293 of the Criminal Code of Canada (the Polygamy law). She shares her experiences and wisdom in an entertaining and informative read.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Sep 25, 2015
• ISBN: 9781312628052

Book preview

Love Alternatively Expressed

Love Alternatively Expressed

The scoop on practicing polyamory in Canada

Zoe Duff

Copyright Page

ISBN 978 – 0- 9732770-9-8

Filidh Publishing

Victoria, BC, Canada

filidhbooks.com

Copyright 2014 – Zoe Duff

Front Cover Photo by Ashley Duff (includes The Province front page for        May 30, 2013, and that photo is by Lyle Stafford, Times Colonist photographer) (photo and related article http://www.timescolonist.com/life/three-isn-t-a-crowd-when-it-s-a-comfortable-triangle-1.308953  )

Back Cover Photo by Jayson P.S. Hawksworth. Photo is of the author’s tattoo that is identical to Mr. Hawksworth tattoo.  They had these done to celebrate their 10th anniversary.  They met Danny Weeds the evening of the tattooing, and so it is a key element in many ways to their story.

Dedication Page

Dedicated to those who dare to find happiness in unconventional ways and live their lives in healthy relationships that empower and sustain all. 

Life is one growth experience after another and polyamory is not easy to practice without the opinions of others in the way.   Always, always follow your heart and be good to yourself.  This will make you a beloved companion, friend, lover and someone of whom YOU can be proud.

In the end, that’s what matters.

Foreward:  In a Nut Shell

About fifteen years ago, I came across the word polyamory on the internet. I read all I could find of personal experiences, rules of etiquette, labels, relationship configurations, and safer sex agreements.  I was fascinated by the elaborate structures of some shared relationships and suspicious of the more simplistic ‘love will make it work’ philosophers.  Since then, I've networked with, befriended and dated many people who professed to practice some variation on the radical honesty in non-monogamy theme.

I've concluded that:

There are no experts.  There are lots of people with experience but they are not you, and only you and your partners are experts on your life. 

Honesty is absolutely essential, most especially with yourself.  Honesty is, however, a subjective term and requires a fair bit of clarification.

Compromise and negotiation are important but being true to your inner voice is important too.

People who say that they aren't poly...aren't.  One can open up to the concept and shed the social norms, but most often there will arise some major block.

People who find a deeper resonance with the concept are poly and won't be truly happy to return to monogamy.

Yes, we can, in fact, make round pegs fit square holes – most often temporarily and generally not happily so.

Love does not make things work.  It does, however, gird you to accept that everyone is different and expresses their needs in a unique fashion. 

Jealousy is a valid expression of need and nothing to fear or disavow. It is a symptom of a relationship (either between people or with yourself) that needs attention and some work.

We have a right to be loved and appreciated for who we are without conditions, but we also have to learn to appreciate the feedback and be willing to address our own issues.  

Over the past years of pondering and experimenting with relationship building, it has occurred to me that not too many people express love the way I do. Neither can one person meet the needs that I've begun to recognize as healthy and wonderful in me.   I have been lucky in finding not one but two partners who have pursued this discovery of self and relationship configurations with me. I clearly understand that multi-tasking queen that I am, I still cannot meet all the needs of either of my partners on my own. Open hearted and compassionate people must eventually draw love into their midst according to the Law of Attraction and my wise Grandmother.  My wish for a poly household has been a reality for some five years now and continues to grow in its current location of Winsome Haven. I must have clicked SEND on that wish way too many times because my cup certainly overflows.

Love that bubbled forth from me, chafing at the restraints of monogamy, now surrounds and sustains me.  It draws back as an evening tide to support me in my difficulties and surges forth as a morning tide to distant shores and an abundant future. I am fortunate more than most women and grateful beyond my wildest dreams.

To you I say: Dare to dream. Dare to risk your heart. Dare to be happy.

I have gathered some of my wisdom into this book and hope that it assists you in your own journey.

Affectionately,

Zoe (Hawksworth Weeds) Duff

There’s Being Out, and Then There’s Being OUT (Our Story)

In 2008, we began to hear rumblings of the Attorney General of British Columbia consulting with the Attorney General of several states in the U.S. with regards to communities of the Fundamental Latter Day Saints also in their jurisdictions.  There were allegations of domestic violence to child trafficking, and various approaches had not been successful as their religious beliefs hampered testimony and collection of evidence.  As the communities were connected, and movement of residence amongst them was common, a joint response was considered.  In BC, the Attorney General appointed several ‘special prosecutors’ to lay charges under Section 293 of the Canadian Criminal Code or the Polygamy Law. 

The wording of the law was vague (See Federal Law in Canada in this book) and each appointed prosecutor had a different opinion as to the possible success of such charges.  In frustration, the Attorney General went to the BC Supreme Court for clarity.  In 2010, a reference was launched.  This is a case before the court wherein there is no person is charged and the law itself is on trial. Both sides present a case with available information and case law evidence to determine the constitutionality of the law in general not specific to a person or persons charged. 

The BC poly community had monitored this closely and was very concerned that a decision to prosecute under this law could include people outside of the FLDS focus.  The wording of the law includes any form of multiple partner relationship whether the individuals had had a ceremony or even referred to themselves as in a marriage-like relationship.  The witness of neighbours without evidence is enough to convict with a sentence recommended at five years in prison.  Attending or officiating at a ceremony or celebration event would be enough to convict all attendees for that same five years.  The wording could also be taken to include those of us moderating polyamory groups as supporting a crime and open to that conviction term.

That is pretty damn scary.  The BC Supreme Court accepted the reference case, and the Attorney General of Canada became a party to defend the federal law.  The court appointed an Amicus lawyer to represent an opposing view and to review petitions from people/groups who would be called interested parties and coordinate their evidence.  Several groups came forward and were requested to submit documents to indicate their positions on the matter.  In the end the following were accepted as interested parties participating in the case:  Beyond Borders, the BC Civil Liberties Association, the BC Teachers’ Federation, the Canadian Association for Free Expression, the Canadian Coalition for the Rights of Children/David Asper Centre for Constitutional Rights, Christian Legal Fellowship, James Older and the FLDS, REAL Women of Canada, Stop Polygamy in Canada, West Coast Legal Education and Action Fund, and the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association.

Members of the BC poly communities had formed the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association in January of 2010 to speak to our cause.  We worked quite closely with the Amicus.  Some of our founding members have a background in law, law research and political processes.  They were amazing and diligent.  Our cloud site hosted the thousands of pages of evidence and transcripts as the trial progressed.  I noted from the beginning of the court sessions that Chief Justice Bauman was keenly aware of polyamorists and the difference between our lives and patriarchal polygamy as practiced by the FLDS in the Bountiful, BC community.  I observed the various lawyers and media begin to use terms correctly and several quoted from our affidavits in their closing arguments. 

In all fairness, I've never been one to stand by and allow situations that are an affront to my sense of right and wrong to pass without some comment or action.  I've advocated for mental health consumer-survivors, non-profit housing, single parents, battered women, and victims of sexual abuse.  I firmly believe as Sonia Johnson said,

One determined person can make a significant difference; a small group of determined people can change the course of history. 

So it is not surprising to those who know me that I would weigh in on something as very personal as the freedom to love whom I please.  Nor that I would step forward to participate in a historic moment for Canada. Where we as free citizens in a democratic society can question the validity and fairness of our laws and request that they be reviewed, modified and struck down if necessary to ensure that the greater good of our community and the freedoms of individuals are balanced.

It was with much thought and discussion with my family and friends that my partners and I put our three big toes into the pond of judiciary consultation.  I filed my affidavit as a witness on behalf of the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, an interested party in the BC Supreme Court reference case regarding the validity of Section 293 of the Canadian Criminal Code (The Polygamy Law).

I had done a What is polyamory? panel discussion session at the University of Victoria just prior to the case coming to trial in November of 2010.  A reporter from the Times Colonist was in attendance and called me a few days later to ask about an interview with our family.  We did the interview, and they took a series of photos. 

The article appeared in that paper somewhere in the middle of the first section.  We were a bit nervous about it.  We were out to family and friends and …if it came up …anywhere else.  Still being in the paper is a step up from that but we felt that a quiet local article was okay.  The reporter had mentioned that the article had been requested by their parent paper, The Province, and would likely appear there shortly afterward.  It did.  The day before the trial sessions began – on the front page alongside a photo of Winston Blackmore, leader of one faction in the Bountiful, BC community. 

The article was picked up by papers across Canada and around the world.  Apparently this historic questioning of the Canadian Criminal Code had global attention.  The prominence of the article was a surprise but the tone of the article while searching for a sexy, scandalous edge was quite positive, and we were pleased with it.  This article was a nice balance to previous articles that appeared in the Vancouver Sun in the months before the case came to court. 

We received more positive feedback than negative feedback personally, but the online comments to the articles were a bit much.  I imagine that there will be more.  The following is one such note that came to me by way of a Facebook private message:

Dear Zoe

I am just writing you to let you know that I read the article about you and your partners in the Times Colonist."

I know you from Esquimalt and met you through C--- .

I was really surprised to read this article in the paper about you and your lifestyle.

You probably are going to get some positive response and some not positive response.

To be quite honest I think the lifestyle you are living is not acceptable.

But that is my opinion.

But if the three of you are happy then all the power to you.

All you are doing is trying to justify that cheating on your partner is okay.

But it’s clear that none of you have respect for one another or for your relationships, and to live this lifestyle with your children in the house, you are giving them a wrong impression on what a healthy, committed, honest relationship really is.

It makes healthy loving relationships look like a lie. You don’t really love each other or your relationship, you love sex. Really, that is all your relationships is all about sex.

It was a disgusting comment you made that your men are heat seeking missiles and you are the heat. And that your mother taught you to share. You are just living like a slut, sorry, but the whole article just sounds like it’s centered around sex. Yes , sex is a huge part of a relationship but you are all playing with fire because someone will eventually get hurt very deeply. As far as I can see you are all screwed up and have relationship issues.

And if you live this lifestyle why do you need to broadcast it to everyone in the paper and want everyone to know what your life is like.

I hope to God, that this lifestyle is never made legal. Its making a mockery out of relationships and marriage, and your children are going to never be able to function in a healthy loving relationship, because you are supposed to be their teachers and you are teaching wrong ways of living in a loving healthy relationship.

Your article was disgusting, and you should all be ashamed of yourself. Please don’t try and justify that any of this is a proper way of living, because it’s not.

You’re all in it for sex, that’s it.

J--- P---

I considered responding directly, but I’m fairly certain it would have fallen on deaf ears.  I did respond in my blog and I bring that forward here, not to justify myself but to help my readers find a way to respond to comments like these from family and friends and might have opportunity to discuss it.

Dear J---P---:

Sex sells newspapers.  Of course that would be what key parts of the article infer.  You can't imagine how difficult it is to sit and discuss your personal life with a complete stranger and a small tape machine.  You can't imagine how bizarre it is to be asked who sleeps in the middle? I have six children and people constantly ask me if I've ever heard of birth control.  One gets used to having random strangers feel they have the right, nay obligation, to advise you of your morality, or lack thereof, in their opinion.

I did not go to the Times Colonist and ask to have my home analyzed for all the world to see.  I did see a law that is very vague and inclusive of many people who are doing no one any harm.  They are in fact building solid, loving homes that produce children who are strong and able to contribute outstandingly to the greater community.  I did see a law that by criminalizing multiple partner homes has made it much harder for women and children who may be experiencing abuse to get the help they need by encouraging seclusion and secrecy. I have called for the light to be shone on this law and the truth to be thrown onto the table for Canadians to see what is happening outside of Bountiful.  I hope that we can find a new and inclusive way of dealing with all of these issues.

I don't think polyamory is for you or most other people.  I did not agree to be a witness for this case nor be interviewed for this article so that I might broadcast behaving like a slut.  I did it to stand up for men and women, who are happy and living a loving life, to be free to do so without fear of prosecution.  So that any men, women and children who may be in abusive situations can seek help without fear of reprisals in addition to prosecution.

Polyamory does not make a mockery of monogamy.  It is merely another variation of interpersonal relationships.  The idea that any relationship configuration is superior or more morally attuned than another is mired in insecurity and a need to control the wealth, land and women. I do not bemoan you for your opinions nor your choice of monogamy however effectively practiced.

I have found a loving and supportive partnership, and I could not for a moment consider living my life without either one of them.  I love them dearly, and they have taught me what it is to have a healthy balanced, loving relationship where all partners are supported and empowered to rise to the fullness of their potential.

I don't need to justify myself as I am proud to love my partners and grateful beyond expression that they have found it in their hearts to love me.  I intend to grow old with these men, and I am confident that the future will be all that and more.

My children have learned that love should and can be given and received with respect and integrity.  I have children of whom I am very proud, and I work for a Canada that continues to be accepting and inclusive of them.

Zoe (aka Polly Amorie)

That widely seen article was my first crack at being a public face for the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and the Canadian polyamory community in general.  The reporter had liked my candid and humourous responses during the panel discussion.  She wanted to reflect this in her article.  I think she did, but I’ve learned since to rope in my sense of humour as it doesn’t always translate well.

That was not the only fallout from that article and subsequent articles, radio appearances, and that followed during the court sessions and the release of Chief Justice Bauman’s decision in November of 2011.  I have to say that the media learned something whether or not it had time to filter through to the general population.  By the end of the trial, terminology was being used correctly.  There was a greater awareness that polyamory differed from polygamy – maybe not HOW they differed but at least that people practicing polyamory were different from people practicing polygamy in the FLDS community of Bountiful, BC.  That was something very key.  I was a bit saddened to note that the interest of the media faded with the announcement of the BC Supreme Court decision. 

Personally, being on the front page was noted in a reprimand by my manager at work and instrumental in a very quick transfer to another office that was likely the best thing that ever happened to me.  I voluntarily stepped down from a second part time job because I was doing undercover loss prevention and being recognized caused problems, but I continued with uniformed crowd management work for another company. People don’t see you when you are in uniform. My partner, Danny, also worked in uniform with the second company and, fortunately, we received only supportive comments.  My other partner, Jayson, gained some notoriety among the staff at his work but pleasantly so.

Our friends and families were, for the most part, supportive although my having two partners must seem a little unfair on the face of it for my partners’ families.  Jayson and Danny have other women in their lives, and I do have to share as well.  Still I continue to be seen as a bad girlfriend who is just using this as a chance to cheat on my partner by some.  *SIGH* The limelight eventually faded and did not rekindle when the judicial decision was released a year later.

This year I chaired the committee that presented PolyCon, which was a first-time polyamory community conference, hosted by the Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association and held in Vancouver, BC.  This convention got us back on the front page, but the articles were very positive and supportive of our conference.  Several radio stations interviewed me and those to who I referred them because there were too many requests and not enough time for just me to handle them.  That increase in media interest was a lovely surprise.  All of the interviews were positive, and they had well researched the philosophy and terminology time around.  Articles surrounding the conference and the topics of workshops were excellent, and our mission to increase awareness was a huge success.  Family and friends and even co-workers were sharing the articles and their friends.  We’d gone from infamous to famous however momentarily in three years. 

I still find it very draining to talk about my family and practice of polyamory.  It is never easy to be out and open with something so very personal.  The more out you are, the more important it seems to be to guard what privacy you do have.  To ensure what time you have available in your poly organizer bunny life is doled out fairly and with quality to those who love and support you. 

Is it worth it?   I attended a conference recently and chatted with someone who hugged me and thanked me for being just the person with whom she needed to share.  So yes, it is VERY worth it.

What is This Non-Monogamy Crap – Isn’t It Just Cheating?

Well, yes, actually, cheating IS a form of non-monogamy.

Non-monogamy is any relationship form where one or more partner has more than one sexual/loving partner at the same time.

Polyamory, however, is another form of non-monogamy that requires a level of communication, honesty, and integrity that deters cheating.

Polyamory means many loves is a term that was created by Morning Glory and Oberon Zell Ravenheart, who are considered to be the matriarch and patriarch of the poly movement. 

It is when you have two or more loving and likely sexual relationships going at the same time with the knowledge and consent of all of the people involved. 

Communication

That means that the people with whom you are involved know about each other. If they have wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, lovers and so on, those people know about you and everyone is okay with all this going on.  I say okay with as people may consent first and approve later as they get to know the other lovers. 

It isn't cheating because you have discussed it with your partners, and BEFORE any physical intimacy occurs.  Intimacy restrictions, (i.e. - kissing only no intercourse just yet) and safe sex agreements (condoms, full barrier, no sex at all) are ideally in place before you go looking for more partners but for sure before intimacy in a new relationships occurs.

It also isn't sleeping with whatever guy/girl comes along.  Life is a buffet, but preferences and commonality still factor in. It simply means that if you meet someone that interests you there are options to find out how interesting/interested they are without violating trust or marriage vows.  It means that the natural inclination of some humans to explore relationship building is not limited to one at a time.  Love is a wonderful thing when unfettered and able to empower, enlighten and inspire.

Honesty

It isn’t about the sex – it’s about the ethics.

Honesty is essential to polyamory.  Full disclosure is not.  One negotiates the