Quit ‘Should Ing’ On Yourself: A Step By Step Guide to Creating the Life You Deserve

By Eva Starr

Are you living your life according to somebody else’s script? Do you make decisions based on what other people will think of you? It’s time to take back the reins, and put you back in the driver’s seat. You have at your disposal the map, which will guide you every step of the way. Buckle your seat belt, and hold on for your life; this isn’t your ordinary self-help book.

Quit ‘Should-ing’ on Yourself will take you down a road filled with twists and turns, valleys and peaks, on a remarkable journey to finding out who you really are. Japa, an African grey parrot will help you peel back the layers of the onion, revealing your true self, as you shine the light on the darkness ready to explore areas where you dared not tread before.

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll fall in love with Japa, as he leads you through a mixture of life’s realities in a world filled with so much insanity. You’ll find a sense of connectedness as you blossom into the flower you were meant to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: May 14, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483430867

Book preview

QUIT

‘Should-ing’

on

YOURSELF

A step-by-step guide to creating the life you deserve

Eva Starr

Copyright © 2015 Eva Starr.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-3087-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-3086-7 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 05/06/2015

Contents

Preface

Chapter 1: Meet Japa

Chapter 2: About Zoë

Chapter 3: The End of the Beginning

•   We have choice

•   You are what you think

Chapter 4: Sorting out the Weeds from the Flowers

•   Moving out of your comfort zone

•   Observing the positive from the negative

Chapter 5: Where do the Weeds come From?

•   Shoulds vs. Coulds

•   Where your beliefs come from

•   The mirror work

Chapter 6: I’m Angry at the Weeds

•   Looking behind the anger

Chapter 7: It’s time to Rotatill

•   Starting the forgiveness work

•    Your life is a reflection

Chapter 8: Forgive the Weeds and Let your Garden Grow

•   Cashing in on forgiveness

Chapter 9: It’s Your Garden, Don’t Give it Away

•   Reclaiming your power

•   Gratitude

Chapter 10: Take a Risk–Climb Out on a Limb

Chapter 11: The Looking Glass–Relationships

•   Blessing the good, the bad, and the ugly

Chapter 12: The Brass Ring–Playing with the Big Boys

•   Prosperity – How big is your cup

Chapter 13: It’s Your Mind, Does it Matter?

•   Loving and accepting yourself

•   The mind-body connection

Chapter 14: It’s Your Movie

•   Re-writing the script to your life

Chapter 15: All is Well

Acknowledgments

Recommended Reading List

This book is

dedicated to all the souls on this planet who ignored the people who told them you should… and listened to that voice within to follow their own dreams to greatness, I honor you.

Preface

Quit ‘Should-ing’ on Yourself was written to share a journey of pain, sorrow, forgiveness, compassion, love, and laughter with you. My hope is that you will embrace your own journey knowing you are not alone.

As you move through the pages of this book, discovering your true self, you too will grow and learn, while blossoming into your world full of potentiality. It is my desire that you cultivate an awareness which speaks to your heart, and brings forth a broader perspective of acceptance of yourself and others, and that the word forgiveness takes on a whole new meaning in your world.

I wish for you to walk away with the inner knowing and understanding that the people in our lives are exactly where they are meant to be, playing their parts worthy of an Oscar, so you could fulfill yours.

"I do what I do because it resonates with my soul…

I listen to the music of my heart and pick the

instruments which will complete the orchestra." – Eva Starr

MeetJapa1.jpg

CHAPTER 1

Meet Japa

Fall of 1982

As I was wandering through Sam’s Safari pet store, lost in my own thoughts, I come to realize I wasn’t sure why I was there. Something was missing in my life, so to fill that void, I thought I’d get a pet. Since I live in an apartment, I’m somewhat limited to my selection of pets, so a cat or dog is definitely out. As I continued my search, still not quite sure what I was searching for, the storeowner came over and said, Can I help you find something? No, thank you, I’m just looking and I’m not even sure myself, I replied. "We have a special today only on this rare exotic African Grey Congo species parrot for just $100." - Sam

Wow, that’s cheap I thought. I know a little bit about birds, and that particular species is usually quite expensive. How come he’s going so cheap? We’ve had him over a year, and I can’t get him to speak a solitary word; he should be talking up a storm by now. - Sam Hmm, let me ponder that and I’ll get back to you. - Zoë I’ve always wanted a bird I could teach things to, one being how to talk, and they can’t be that hard to take care of.

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. --C. Archie Danielson

Sir, about that bird, I’ll take him. - Zoë Great, here’s the pamphlet on how to take care of him and his dietary needs. You’ll need some pellets and a cage, I’ll throw the pellets in free, but then you’ll need to get him some fresh fruits and vegetables. Go over there and pick out a cage you like. - Sam

Cage and bird in hand, I stopped in the doorway and yelled, Hey mister, does he have a name? - Zoe "Nope, and could never come up with one I liked, so I just called him Bird." - Sam

I couldn’t wait to get home, set up Bird’s cage, and introduce him to my four-year old daughter, Agnes. As I walked into the apartment, giving it a once over trying to decide where would be Bird’s new home…I saw the Jungle room where I do most of my work. It’s filled with a huge variety of plants, and it’s nice, warm & cozy – that’ll be it. I set up the cage, cut up some fresh broccoli, filled his cage with his new toys, set up his perch and opened the door to let him in. OK Bird, I said, here’s your new home.

My name is NOT Bird, it’s JAPA. – Japa. I about fell over with bird in hand.

Excuse me – did I just hear you say something? - Zoë

"Yes, the name is Japa." - Japa

I need a scotch. - Zoë

As I let Japa into his cage, and sat in my rocker drinking my scotch, I wasn’t sure if maybe the wine from the night before was affecting my hearing, or if the waiter at lunch put something in my soup and I was hallucinating. As I drank my scotch, I watched Japa looking intently at me, eyeing ME up, as if I were a case study.

What are you looking at? - Zoë

"You! I sure do have my work cut out for me." - Japa

Still not believing all of this, I started going through my lucid dreaming exercises…is this real or am I dreaming?

Oh, it’s real all-right, spoke Japa. You are NOT dreaming and I’m not a figment of your imagination. - Japa

I thought the man at the pet store said you couldn’t talk. - Zoë

I didn’t talk to him or anyone else for that matter. I’ve been in that store for over a year, waiting for the day you’d decide to take me home. - Japa

Wait a minute here, I’m losing you. - Zoë

I’m here to help you. Japa

What do you mean help ME? - Zoë

Exactly what I said, I don’t stutter and my vocabulary is impeccable. - Japa

I need another scotch. - Zoë

Go right ahead, I’ll still be here when you come back. - Japa

I went into the kitchen, popped two aspirin, made another scotch, and headed back to the Jungle room.

OK, let’s get something straight here; supposedly the store owner said you can’t talk, that’s why he let you go so cheap. Now you’re telling me that you’ve been waiting for over a year for me to take you home. Explain. - Zoë

Ok, it’s like this. My mission is to help you transform your life, and I knew you wouldn’t take me home at the outrageous price that they charge for a bird like me. Therefore, I had to devise a plan that would make it possible for you to take me home. Which brings me to why I didn’t speak for a year, knowing that eventually the old man would practically give me away? - Japa

Moreover, what exactly are you going to teach me? - Zoë

"Now Zoë, patience is one thing, but we’ve got plenty of time to work on that. In the meantime, you just do your part. Go on about your life, and leave my part to me." - Japa

Pray tell what in God’s name does Japa mean? - Zoë

It’s Hindu Sanskrit for repetition of a mantra, as used in meditation. - Japa

"Well, you’ll definitely have to explain that to me, but at some other time. All this has been a bit too much for my brain to handle all in one evening. I’m going to watch the news and then go to bed." - Zoë

We’ll have to talk about that later. - Japa

Talk about what? Going to bed? - Zoë

NO, watching the news. - Japa

Whatever, goodnight whoever you are. - Zoë

Upon awakening the next morning, I froze in my bed without opening my eyes, asking myself, is this real or am I dreaming, is this real or am I dreaming. Then I opened my eyes and walked into the Jungle room. The birdcage was still covered from the night before. Hesitating to pull off the cover, in a haze of confusion I wondered if maybe I’d had a bit too much scotch last night, and did I really have a talking bird that was going to teach me a few things? Alas, I unveiled the cage and there stood Japa, on his perch, wide-eyed and parrot-tailed.

Well, don’t just stand there; you act like you’ve just seen a ghost. - Japa

Well, a good-morning to you too. - Zoë

I guess it wasn’t a mirage, and it definitely wasn’t the scotch. Here stood a beautiful African-Grey parrot, talking to me as if he was my other half. By the way, for the record, when I did have another half, he didn’t nearly talk this much. So much is to be said for being single.

As I walked into the kitchen, pouring my morning tea, I could only wonder what would Japa do to amuse himself while I went into work? Walking back into the Jungle room, I sat at the computer, checking my email and sipping my Jasmine Green Tea. I went outside to grab the Drain Dealer, the morning paper, which once again the paperboy had thrown into the ditch alongside the apartment.

Damn that paper boy, every morning the paper is either soaking wet, thrown into a ditch, covered with dirt, or on the other side of the street because his aim was so bad. Do you think he could get it on my front steps just once? - Zoë

Not if you keep talking like that – it’s a wonder he still leaves you a paper. He must feel sorry for you, understanding your ignorance of the laws of the Universe. - Japa

Surely the immutable laws of the universe can teach more impressive and exalted lessons than the holy books of all the religions on earth— Elizabeth Cady Stanton

CHAPTER 2

About Zoë

Fall of 1982

I sat there in my rocker, ignoring the seemingly ridiculous words of my parrot, who calls himself Japa and continued to read the paper. Oh, there was another homicide last night. They suspect it was drug related. In addition, the serial rapist is still on the loose, and they’re predicting damp and rainy weather all day today. I think I’ll jump off the cliff. As I continued to flip threw the pages of the Drain Dealer I was becoming more depressed page-by-page. Enough of this, I went into the other room and flipped on the TV, the war continues with no end in sight, the stock market dives to an all-time low, and a cold front is moving in. I turned the TV off and dragged myself to the shower, I stood there numb from the morning’s events, and it wasn’t even eight am yet.

As I looked into the mirror, thinking Zoë you don’t look bad for twenty-seven but something is missing in your life. As I drove to pick up my Agnes, who had spent the weekend at my mothers, due to my long shifts cocktailing at the Joliday Inn, I wondered what Agnes would think of Japa. I hadn’t told her about getting the bird, for I wanted it to be a Halloween surprise, which was coming up the following weekend. I pulled into my mother’s drive, excited to see Agnes.

As we drove home, we played I spy, a game where you pick a color and the other person looks around and tries to spot something in the area that is that color till they guess the thing you picked and it goes back and forth. It’s a very inexpensive game to play, as all you need is a basic knowledge of the primary colors and a brain. Since I considered myself a Mensa mind and Agnes had an I.Q. equivalent to that of a Supreme Court judge, I’d say we could play just about any game together.

We were approaching the driveway of the apartment complex where we lived and the excitement was starting to show on my face. We hurried up the stairs, and I scurried ahead so I could see the reaction on Agnes’ face when she first saw Japa. There he was in vivid Technicolor, a beautiful grey bird with a brilliant, bright candy apple red tail, perched on his swing in his huge cage.

Say hello to Japa, Agnes. Agnes said hello, a look of surprise and childlike innocence on her face. Japa stared and looked at me before he spoke.

This child is here for a major lesson in your life, which you will come to know many years down the road. It’s unfortunate that her father will miss out on this. - Japa

Shush I whispered, she can hear you.

"No she can’t, you are the only one here on this planet that can hear me talk." - Japa

What do you mean? - Zoë

Who are you talking to Mommy? - Agnes

See I told you she can’t hear me, she just thinks you’re nutty and you’re talking to yourself again. - Japa

Well, I do talk to myself quite a bit. - Zoë

I know, I know everything about you. - Japa

What do you mean - Zoë?

We’ll talk later after she’s in bed. - Japa

I went to the kitchen and prepared a shrimp stir-fry, with lots of oriental vegetables. Agnes and I sat down to eat and then the struggle started. This is the part of the dinner I dreaded most. She sat there staring at her plate as if it was something I just dragged in from the dumpster behind our apartment building. There are people starving in Ethiopia, I said as she looked at me with her huge brown eyes. At the age of four, I doubt she even knows what Ethiopia is all about. When I was growing up, I got the same speech at dinnertime from my parents, but it was about all the starving people in Biafra. Nonetheless, the struggle went on till I heard Japa put his two cents in.

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? he squawked in his parrot voice of his which personally I thought was becoming quite annoying.

What are you talking about? - Zoë

Well, it’s like this, the two of you are having this power struggle over a plate of vegetables, and it’s obviously causing the both of you a lot of grief. Then in the morning, you become a born-again version of Mommie Dearest and make her eat it for breakfast because she wouldn’t finish it the night before. Mark my words, one of these days it’s going to come back to haunt you. - Japa

What the hell is that suppose to mean? - Zoë

"Just look at me as your guardian angel, similar to Clarence in the movie It’s a Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart. I’ve been put into your life for a reason. I’ve already previewed your entire life, all the way down the road, and have taken on the mission to save you from yourself. One of these days, you’re going to regret that you made her finish a particular type of food she obviously doesn’t care for. Like I asked you in the beginning, do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Think about it." - Japa

At that point, Agnes looked up at me and asked me whom are you talking to Mommy? Obviously, nobody could hear Japa, except for me. My guardian angel I replied. OK mommy. I ignored Japa and told her to finish her dinner or she’d be eating it for breakfast.

At the age of twenty-seven I considered myself an independent, bright, (Mensa mind that I am), assertive, attractive woman, who busts her ass day and night in the bar business. I divorced Agnes’ father back in 1979 and Agnes and I have been a