Sex On the Wrong Brain

By Ard Falten

In 'Sex On The Wrong Brain', Ard Falten wraps zany science fiction around the theory that humanity is doomed because we're sending impatient satisfaction-demanding sex energy to the mathematical, logical parts of the brain, where it creates greed, fear, and authoritarianism. Within days of finding an alien supertool Lulu Lopez is on the run and up to her ears in sex zombies, alien hunters, and the king of talk radio, her nemesis since the third grade. He's convinced half the country Lulu's the witch who's causing the world-wide epidemic of nose and elbow mutations and it's time to bring back public exorcisms. Meanwhile, with global warming getting bad fast, an intergalactic maintenance man struggles to find the ancient alien 'transmitter' that will reestablish true human nature and end thousands of years of greed, patriarchy, and environmental destruction. He'll take any help he can get, from prairie dogs to the Pope. But what he really needs is a date with Lulu.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Dec 15, 2017
• ISBN: 9781387445950

Book preview

Sex On the Wrong Brain

Sex On The Wrong Brain

By Ard Falten

Copyright © 2017 Ard Falten

ISBN 978-1-387-44595-0

All rights reserved.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.

sexonthewrongbrain.com

Sex On The Wrong Brain

1: Mistake

A cratered boulder hurtled through space toward a gathering of spaceships near a large gaseous planet.

The boulder slowed down and joined the others, looking like a basketball among buses and ocean liners. They had come from every part of the galaxy, and some from beyond. They were all sizes, shapes, and colors, from sleek and symmetrical to organic and amorphous. Some looked like they had buildings and forests growing on them.

The little boulder passed along a spaceship speckled with portholes big enough to swallow it. It backed up to one of them. The floor of one of the boulder's craters dematerialized, revealing a small porthole with a good view through the big porthole into the larger ship, where, suspended in a yellow jell, a slithering, throbbing ball of three orange tentacled aliens wrestled amorously.

Angry eyes turned toward the voyeur and a tentacle shot to the wall. The porthole cover snapped shut.

The little spaceship moved on through the crowd until it reached a clearing. At one end was a giant white egg-shaped ship that all the other spaceships could probably fit into.

As if waiting for it, some of them moved around until they were all arranged with a good view of two spaceships at the center of the clearing.

One was a plain flying saucer the color of the egg ship.

The other looked like an equilateral triangle with a hole in the middle, with rounded points and a smooth, green, translucent surface, thicker in the middle and slightly thinner at the rounded edges.

Soon after the audience had settled down the saucer parted from the triangular craft. Some of the spaceships turned to watch it go. After a short distance a glimmering wall with flashing symbols appeared in its way. The saucer continued slowly as the wall sizzled around it and as soon as the sizzling faded the saucer accelerated and disappeared with a flash, heading toward a yellow sun.

….......

Lulu dozed with her head on a book, drooling and snoring softly while hard fast music played on computer speakers.

Amid the mess of her disorganized apartment were eight computers of varying vintage and origin arranged neatly on two shelves. They were all turned on and lines of text formed on their screens as if recording speech from different sources.

In a framed picture, six year old Lulu grinned in a Brownie uniform under the motto BE PREPARED. A proud couple stood with her. He looked Hispanic and she looked Scandinavian blonde. Below the picture within the frame was part of a letter: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, we regret to inform you that due to her constant swearing and stubborn reluctance to use her right hand it has become necessary to expel Lulu from the Brownies. We certainly hope she learned something during the short month that she was with us.

Lulu yawned, shoved the book away, and wiped her face. As she dropped her head back onto the pillow the music stopped. She looked up.

Crickets chirped through the curtains of the patio's open sliding glass doors.

….......

The saucer carried three passengers jammed into a rounded compartment meant for smaller beings. They looked human except for the blue over-the-head unitards. Each one had the same insignia on his chest: a point-down triangle with rounded points and a hole in the center.

Each passenger had a small pack under his seat, a triangular canteen with a strap over his shoulder, and a vornak, which looked like a short shovel with a ring at one end and a disc on the other. The vornaks were well worn and etched with symbols.

Parts of the walls, ceiling, and floor were transparent, with good views of the stars and the approaching planet.

Chello, at one end, and Nando in the middle, fidgeted, gritted their teeth, and tapped their feet. Yayo, the youngest, appeared calm, but only because the intense itching seemed trivial compared to the reaction he was expecting when he told his friends what he had been trying to tell them. And he had to tell them soon or it would be too late for Oolak Handler Team Five Seven Six to turn back.

They don't want to help so they're punishing us, said Chello.

With itching? said Nando.

They can turn big heads into little heads and they have a problem with some fur? Fur isn't complicated. This is their idea of a joke.

If they want to punish us it won't be with an itching scratching joke. Anyway, Flarg don't joke much, said Nando.

They said it would get better by now.

Go ahead, said Nando. He shivered and closed his eyes. Scratch.

They're recording this, said Chello. They'll show it on every Flarg ship and planet and call it 'The Grogans Who Were Too Stupid To Scratch'. Starring you two.

Scratch away, said Nando.

Yayo opened his mouth but nothing came.

Until now Yayo's three tours had all been fairly routine. All they did was monitor and test oolaks from distant orbit and occasionally do a pick up or delivery. Oolaks hardly ever broke down. Yayo's great great great great uncle was the only one they knew personally who ever repaired one in the field and he could still go on and on about it every time someone asked.

Then some lost vacationers stumbled through a remote forgotten solar system and discovered a planet overrun by humanoids that were suffering all the classic symptoms of the most dreaded disease in the universe.

Records showed that an oolak had been dropped off long before the inhabitants would need it. It must have malfunctioned and for some reason it had been left off the maintenance schedule. If it wasn't fixed soon, two handed humanoids would destroy another unique planet formed by billions of years of evolution.

The alert was sent to all nearby oolak handlers.

In the old days when the disease was a catastrophe of universal proportions there were many more oolaks in service and all oolak handlers were trained and equipped to sneak onto dangerous planets and risk contact. Now only emergency teams did that, and they were spread far and wide.

By chance Oolak Handler Team One Six Four was close and arrived first. The Flarg argued successfully that their research made them best qualified to disguise the team as natives and drop them off near the oolak undetected.

Team One Six Four and its Flarg shuttle were never seen again.

Considerable local galactic time passed before Yayo and Team Five Seven Six arrived. In the meantime the two handed humanoids  accelerated their destruction of the planet's unique environment and life. They also advanced their weaponry. Extensive irreversible damage would occur before the first emergency crew could arrive.

The Oolak Council was getting regular reports from the worried neighbors so Team Five Seven Six sent a message home requesting a final recommendation. The shorter the message the faster it would get there. And the shorter the reply the sooner it would get back. The message was simple: fix, or wait. 'Fix' would mean there was a good chance of success. 'Wait' would mean there was a good chance that Yayo and his friends would fail and the neighbors should wait for the emergency crew. The team would have to vote unanimously to accept either option.

Everyone anticipated a negative recommendation.

Yayo was on duty when the coded response finally arrived. It was surprisingly positive.

Don't wait, said the Council, from another part of the universe.

Chello was reluctant but the Council seldom gave bad advice and Yayo, Nando, and Chello all voted to fix the oolak.

Most of the neighbors celebrated and offered encouragement but the Flarg protested and warned it was too dangerous. The oolak handlers would not be deterred and when some of the other neighbors volunteered to help, the Flarg changed their minds. They said they had learned from the unsuccessful first attempt and they would provide the disguises and transportation again.

Despite the horrible itching and the disappearance of the oolak handlers before them, Yayo and his teammates were excited about this once in a lifetime mission to save the doomed planet.

And they were excited because of Yayo's mistake.

The little saucer slowed down as Earth's cratered moon passed beneath them.

It's not getting better, said Chello, suddenly looking agonized. I can't...

He started scratching fast and hard at his ears, head, and sides. His eyes closed and he smiled.

He stopped and looked hopefully at the places he scratched. They all looked.

See. Nothing. You can scratch now.

He started scratching again.

I'll wait, said Nando, still watching Chello.

I made a mistake, Yayo blurted out.

They looked at him.

Sorry, he said.

Chello slowed his scratching.

The Council actually didn't think we should do this, said Yayo.

The itching suddenly hit Yayo full force. He couldn't take it any more. He scratched his ear as gently as he could. It tickled at first and then got warm. He wished he had done it sooner.

They objected, he said. The recommendation was negative, not positive.

You can't get a recommendation more encouraging than 'don't wait', said Chello.

We voted on 'don't wait', said Nando.

As in hurry up and fix the oolak, said Chello.

And now we're here, said Nando.

And soon we'll be there, fixing the oolak, said Chello, pointing at the  blue planet looming into view. Itching, he added.

There were two recommendations from home, not one, said Yayo, scratching his ear a little harder. It was beginning to burn but it still felt good.

There was one we didn't vote on? said Nando.

We voted on both of them at the same time, said Yayo. A claw would be nice but he found a sharp pointy edge on one of the humanoid finger nails he had been chewing.

You're not making sense, said Chello.

Yayo forgot about the itching at that moment.

One recommendation was 'don't', he said. The other was 'wait'.

This came as a bit of a shock.

Nando started scratching his arm.

Not good, said Chello.

Somehow they got spliced together on the way here. I didn't realize until after the vote. We were about to leave. The disguises were finished. The neighbors were so happy...all the celebrating...the good-byes...

So the Council doesn't think we should sneak in on this little Flarg shuttle, said Nando.

In these itchy Flarg disguises, added Chello.

No.

And disappear like the One Six Four, said Nando.

No, said Yayo. They thought we should wait for the emergency crew.

You mean, said Chello, the guys who actually train for sex zombies.

….......

Lulu's station came back on, but not with music.

And now we cut in with our new pre-recorded streaming talk radio featuring the wit and wisdom of the only guy who knows what you know before you know it, the greatest-

Dog dick.

And next president of the United States of America, Hack Rimmington!

Lulu dropped her head and groaned.

Not if she could help it.

….......

In a daze, Nando and Chello watched Earth get bigger fast. Three white typhoons spun over the Pacific Ocean.

Look at that, said Nando.

It's so blue, said Chello.

It's an isolated location. All they have to do is get us close, said Yayo, trying to sound optimistic. I still have a good feeling about this.

We find it, fix it, and get out, said Nando.

Those emergency guys can't fix an oolak anyway, said Chello, scratching again.

Even if they get here in time, said Yayo.

Nando held out his vornak, ring up. Oolak Handler's Union Team Five Seven Six. How do we vote?

They tapped their vornak rings together three times.

OOLAK! they shouted.

The saucer descended in daylight over the Pacific Ocean and approached the west coast of North America at dusk.

….......

At the bottom of this hour I'm going to give to you-

Lulu jumped for the laptop on the desk.

Another list of illegal aliens, said Rimmington, in his low, confident cigarette and whiskey voice. These may be your neighbors. Taking your jobs, sucking up your resources, going to school with your kids. So stay tuned for-

Lulu's face went red.

You pig headed dumbass blowhard. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

The speakers went dead.

Huh, said Lulu. So those are the magic words.

….......

Twinkling lights passed below the saucer. One of the lights ahead of them got larger and turned into grids of lights that spread horizontally. A city.

A bright flash lit the cabin as it shuddered violently. All exterior views disappeared.

They eyed each other as the cabin began to shake. Lights flickered. It got worse. Yayo clenched his teeth to stop the chattering.

The parts Chello scratched were beginning to swell.

I change my vote,  Chello said, chattering every word. Yayo, would you tell the Flarg to turn around?

Yayo looked at the low door on his side, narrow at the bottom and wider at the top. They were all thinking the same thing. He unbuckled and barely got up before the door slid open and a small-bodied alien with big head, big oval eyes, and small mouth poked through. One of the Flarg pilots.

He pointed at Yayo's swelling right ear and cackled. Nagat Grogan, nagat!

The Flarg pulled back and the hatch closed with a snap.

Run Grogan, run? Yayo asked his friends, who knew more Flarg than he did.

Nando and Chello exchanged grim looks as an alarm sounded.

BLAP...TOIT...BLAP...TOIT...

Another shudder shook the cabin and part of the floor tore away. Hot Albuquerque air howled in. They could see the lights of the city streaking under them, but now it wasn't through a window. Yayo's pack got loose and bounced toward the gaping hole in the floor. He stretched for it while holding onto his harness with one hand but could not reach it in time. It snagged on a torn edge of the saucer for a moment before tearing open and falling away.

The cabin shook so much Yayo couldn't get buckled in again. He looped his arm through the harness but his mind was on the pack falling toward Earth, with an oolak handler's most important tool: the nazdard. It was the only thing in the universe that could find an oolak.

GLAK! shouted Nando and Chello at the same time.

They all opened their canteens and chugged as if their lives depended on it. Blue liquid spilled and splattered. After a few big gulps they stopped and managed to get the tops back on.

They turned blue and began to grow. Blue froth shook out of their mouths and noses as their heads rose toward the ceiling.

….......

The saucer wobbled over the suburbs of Albuquerque with a hole in its belly, trailing debris and fluorescent fluids.

Yayo's pack flew out