Santa Fe Rose: A Journey to the Other Side of Grief

By Posey Gaines

A story about the process of grief after wife dies. A journey of grieving that takes the author to unexpected places and an unexpected encounter.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 5, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257399826

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Chapter 1

Melodie with an ie

Most of his life, Jess had ignored, even silenced, the voice. It had been with him early on, though he couldn’t recall exactly when it started or under what circumstances. Well, it was there before he went to high school. The voice always said about the same thing -- It is time -- and this caused in him a sense of restlessness. He wondered, Time for what? Until recently, Jess hadn’t understood. Even now, he wasn’t completely certain. Something to do with going with the flow of the universe. The flow of the universe? Jess wasn’t a kid -- he was 49. What the hell did going with the flow of the universe mean? But the voice beckoned him -- it nagged him at times.

For the most part, Jess kept the voice to himself. A couple of times, late at night in a bar after too many beers, he’d tell a woman he just met. She’d listen sometimes, but mostly it seemed that bar women had other things on their minds. But lately, Jess hadn’t been to a bar. Instead he found himself waiting on the voice. He heard it best in the black Oklahoma sky. These days, Jess listened.

By the time the sun had risen this particular morning, Jess was on the road, windows down in his old, red Cherokee. He took in the warm Tulsa dawn air -- he was in his element. Coffee mug riding shotgun on the dash, he inhaled his cigarette as he sped down the road facing his unknown destiny. He longed to understand the voice that beckoned him -- the voice calling him into this journey. This morning, he knew, was going to be different than any other. Perhaps, after all, he would understand the meaning -- the purpose -- of the voice. Perhaps.

As he sped down the road in his faded jeans, well-worn denim shirt, and black boots, his clothing took on the splendor of kingly garb. A weathered black cowboy hat was his crown. What a glorious a new day! Damn! Jess chuckled to himself, It feels good to be on the road. He was heading West, and had no idea where he was going.

Jess shook off the remnants of plaguing self-doubt as he tried to focus on the practical matters at hand. He sipped his coffee, making a mental list: money, clothes, map. He looked in the rearview. His things were neatly packed back there -- this reassured him. His heart skipped a beat as he reached for his back pocket . . . wallet. After a sigh of relief, he thought, Well, good thing I didn’t leave that on the table sixty-five miles back. He reached for another cigarette, lit it, and settled into his seat. It was going to be a good day -- he could feel it. But a good day for what, he wondered.

Around noon, Jess pulled into a little no-name town. Not much of a town left, he thought. The buildings appeared vacant except for a gas station and café. Crude, hand-painted letters on the café window said, Rose’s Place. Several vehicles, mostly pickup trucks, were parked there. He pulled into the gas station and filled his tank, then decided to get a bite to eat.

Jess opened the café door and stepped in as the bell above his head announced his arrival. A robust woman standing behind the counter yelled, Grab a booth. Be there in a minute! He found a booth and sat. Glancing around the room, he guessed that most of the folks were locals. Lost thought, Jess jumped a little when the woman who had greeted him suddenly appeared at is side.

Hi there cowboy, I’m Rose. Here’s the menu. It ain’t fancy, but the food will stick to your ribs. You look like you could use it. She laughed to herself as she waited for his order.

Jess glanced over the menu, then decided on a cheeseburger, onion rings, and iced tea. He felt uncomfortable waiting for food in restaurants. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He’d play with his silverware or take sips of water. When he thought about it, he’d bring a book or magazine so he’d have something to do with his eyes. But today he had neither, so he glanced around at the other people. In one corner, he saw what looked like a group of oil-rig workers. They looked like they hadn’t had a bath for a week and were busy scarfing down big plates of what he guessed to be the daily special -- meat and potatoes soaked in gravy. A woman and her husband sat in the next booth over. The woman had on too much makeup and jewelry. Her hair was puffed high. She squawked loudly at her husband, who, for the most part, simply nodded as he ate. She sounded like a crow. Jess noticed that others were also turning to see the spectacle, as if wondering how a noisy bird had come into their midst.

Most of the others in the café looked like farmers. Jess could hear enough of their conversations to figure out they were talking about what most farmers talk about -- the weather, the price of wheat and cattle, and how bad their year would probably be. Jess laughed as he thought about how farmers always expected the worse. He mused that their guarded outlook was a result of their dependence on Mother Nature -- in Oklahoma, Mother could sure wreak havoc. Months of hard work were sometimes wiped out in one quick sweep of a tornado or hailstorm.

Then, glancing around the room again, Jess noticed a woman in her late thirties or early forties sitting in the back of the café alone. She wrote in a notebook while nibbling her lunch. Occasionally, she looked up, once catching him as he looked at her. Jess knew she wasn’t a local. He had noticed Rose giving her directions. He wondered where she was heading.

Rose appeared from the back carrying his order. Well, here you go, honey! Cheeseburger, onion rings, and tea. Enjoy!

Jess looked at the plate set in front of him. The cheeseburger was swimming in grease -- just the way he liked. The onion rings were plentiful and definitely homemade. He took a bite of his cheeseburger. Damn, it was good.

Rose came back by to refill his tea. How’s everything?

Great! he responded.

If you need anything else, just holler, Rose said as she ambled off through the café, stopping to refill the other iced teas, chatting with her regulars as she went.

Jess had almost finished eating when the woman he had noticed joined him.

Hello, I’m Melodie, spelled with an ‘i-e, she said. Mind if I join you?

Melodie explained she was hitchhiking to Santa Fe. Up close, she was a very attractive woman. Dark skin, coal black hair, and eyes that danced as she talked. She certainly wasn’t the shy type.

No, Jess replied for lack of anything better to say. He wiped his mouth, took one last drink of tea, and turned his attention to i-e Melodie: What can I do for you?

I hope this doesn’t sound like a come-on, but I noticed your jeep when you pulled up. Looks like you’re heading the same direction I am. What would you say to having someone ride with you? And before he could even begin to think of an answer, she was off and running again. Look-- I’ll be honest with you. I need to get to Santa Fe and you look pretty safe. I have money and can help pay for gas. I’d also drive part of the way if you want. I’ve only got one bag and, from the looks of your jeep out there, you’d have room. So how about it?

So how about it? Jess pondered the question as he studied Melodie—now, more carefully. She looked safe enough, but he liked to travel alone. It would be nice to have someone help with the driving, but then again, it would be nice to have some peace and quiet as he drove. Somehow he just couldn’t see Melodie affording much peace and quiet. Tell you what Melodie, I’ll give you a ride to the next big town. How’s that sound?

Sounds good to me. Ready to go?

As Jess made his way to the cash register, Melodie walked to the door. He watched through the window as she grabbed her raggedy suitcase and headed for the jeep.

Breaking into his thoughts, Rose asked, Honey, did that cheeseburger stick to your ribs?

Jess nodded as he handed her the money.

Glancing out the window, Rose told him, You be careful now, honey.

Jess thanked her for the advice with another nod and made his way to the door.

Outside, Jess noticed Melodie was wearing jeans, cowboy boots, and a sleeveless white cotton blouse. Her long black hair was neatly braided and draped down almost to her waist. Her dark skin seemed to glisten in the noon sun. He had to admit that she sure was a looker.

They put her suitcase in the back of the jeep and climbed in. As Jess reached to turn the key, Melodie spoke: Do you mind if I take my boots off? But before he could answer, she had taken off her boots and socks and propped her bare feet on the dash. Isn’t it a gorgeous day to be traveling? she said.

As he pulled onto the highway, Jess reached for a cigarette.

Oh good! You smoke, Melodie said, pulling a pack from her purse. She lit her cigarette, turned to Jess, and smiled. I didn’t get your name back there.

Jess, he replied.

Well, Jess. Where are you heading?

He looked over at Melodie and wondered what her story was. Where was she from? Why was she going to Santa Fe? Well to tell you the truth, I’m not sure where I’m going, he said. Then, in as general a way as he could, he told her about having a feeling that he needed to just pack up and head West. He didn’t mention the voice or the message.

Cool! You might say that’s why I’m heading to Santa Fe, she said.

What’s in Santa Fe? Jess asked as nonchalantly as he could.

Who knows. I just thought I would do some traveling this summer and Santa Fe seemed like the place to go. Just a feeling I had. Kinda like you. So here I am on the road to Santa Fe.

Jess took it all in, then focused his attention on the road. He wasn’t much of a talker when he was driving or, for that matter, when he was riding. Melodie didn’t seem to mind his quietness, though. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as she stared out the window and hummed a song he wasn’t familiar with. Every now and then he would catch a faint whisper of her perfume. Not too strong, not too sweet. Just a hint of something refreshing. Kind of like fresh peaches. He liked it.

They’d been driving about two hours, each allowing the other uninterrupted privacy. For his part, Jess was thankful. The way she had introduced herself back at Rose’s Place, he’d worried that she would talk non-stop.

Are you getting tired? Melodie asked after awhile.

Well, I guess I could use a break. You sure you don’t mind driving?

No. In fact, I’d much rather drive than ride.

Jess noticed a gas station up ahead. He glanced at his gauge -- only a quarter tank left. I’m going to get some gas up ahead. We could switch there.

At the gas station, Melodie jumped out and headed for the store. Jess watched as she walked away from him. Her long braid swayed as she stepped, barefooted, over oil puddles. She looked as good from the back as she did from the front. When he had filled the tank, he went inside to pay.

It’s already been taken care of, said the woman at the cash register.

When he returned to the jeep, Melodie was sitting behind the wheel, adjusting the seat. Let’s hit the road, Jack. She laughed out loud as she watched him get in and fasten his seat belt. What’s the matter, Jess? Little uptight about women drivers?

No, I’m not, he replied, trying to cover up the fact that he was, indeed, uptight about women drivers -- especially women drivers he didn’t know. I just don’t like to take unnecessary chances.

Sure, Melodie replied with a touch of sarcasm in her voice.

Jess laid his seat back and, before he knew it, he was sound asleep. Just before he nodded off, he looked again at Melodie. There was something about her he liked. She seemed so open and comfortable with herself. He admired that in people -- particularly in women. He was gazing at her face in his mind’s eye when he drifted off. When he awoke, the sun was low in the sky. He glanced at his watch. It was almost 5:30.

That was some nap Jess. Did you know you snore?

Yeah. Was it that bad?

Oh no, Melodie replied. "It’s just that, I mean, here I am, driving the car of a man I’ve just met today, and he’s asleep