Star Fail: Book 3 of The Planet Perfecters

By Daniel W. Shegrud

He was just a common, homeless, nameless drunk - until they came.

They, the infinitely recombining, seemingly indestructible star creatures, promised the answer to every problem that has ever plagued mankind. In short, they promised perfection, and they asked nothing in return.

Except that it wasn't that easy. It never is. By the time the last answer is given, the last human will have died.

Half the world is ecstatic, thinking they can stop asking questions before the stars come for them and live in perfection with their fellow survivors.

The other half is appalled, knowing perfection is never perfect and that the worth of a human soul far exceeds the worth of a perfect world. They know the stars must be stopped

But how do they stop the unstoppable? The drunk knows, and his weapon is the most common thing known to man.

The Planet Perfecters takes a humorously serious look into the evil potential of governments and the uniting commonness of humanity that is anything but common.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daniel W. Shegrud
• Release date: Aug 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005159085

Daniel W. Shegrud

I'm from Renton, Washington, originally and except for two years in Rexburg Idaho and four months in Kingston, New York, lived there from 1960 (the year I was born) until 2008, when Mary and I moved to Spokane.Here are a few more ridiculously compelling details about me, in case you're interested: I have five sons, one daughter, 8-10 grand kids (it changes periodically) and a miniature poodle named Copper; I am a born-again believer in Jesus Christ; I love cookies; I have read more than two thousands books - novels, texts, tomes, manuscripts, what have you - in the last three decades; I love cooking; I love eating; I love eating other people's cooking; I spent more than two decades driving truck but now work as a Certified Nurse's Aid - it's often messier than driving, but more satisfying at the end of the day.

Book preview

STAR FAIL

BOOK 3

of

THE

PLANET

PERFECTERS

By

Daniel W. Shegrud

Star Fail

Book 3

of

THE

PLANET

PERFECTERS

ISBN

#9781005159085

Copyright 2016

Daniel W. Shegrud

All rights reserved

TABLE of CONTENTS

A Short Explanation of the Copyright

Dedication

Chapter 1, Day 54, Thursday, Part 1

Chapter 2, Day 54, Thursday, Part 2

Chapter 3, Day 54, Thursday, Part 3

Chapter 4, Day 56, Saturday, Part 1

Chapter 5, Day 56, Saturday, Part 2

Chapter 6, Day 56, Saturday, Part 3

Chapter 7, Day 60, Wednesday

Chapter 8, Day 63, Saturday, Part 1

Chapter 9, Day 63, Saturday, Part 2

Chapter 10, Day 64, Sunday

Chapter 11, Day 65, Monday

Chapter 12, Day 67, Wednesday, Part 1

Chapter 13, Day 67, Wednesday, Part 2

Chapter 14, Day 67, Wednesday, Part 3

Chapter 15, Day 100, Monday

Introducing Daniel

Other Books by Daniel

Contacting Daniel

A SHORT

EXPLANATION

of the

COPYRIGHT

This copy of The Planet Perfecters is for you and you only, which means you can’t copy, republish, tweet, email, resell or in any other way distribute this book or any portion of this book without the express written permission from the author (that would be me).

To be a bit more accurate, you are certainly capable of doing all those things without the express written permission from the author (me again) because you are a highly intelligent and capable individual as evidenced by the fact that you bought this book. However, unless you are doing any of those things for the sake of higher academia or to convince someone else to buy the book, to do so would be a no-no.

It would also be tacky and kind of rude.

If you end up loving this book and can’t live another day without sharing it with your buddies, then buy each of them a copy instead of passing this one around. Better yet, have them buy their own. They all have jobs, right?

Also, if you borrowed or stole this book from a friend, for crying out loud, don’t be so cheap. Go buy your own.

Should you choose to violate this copyright with little regard for my wishes or feelings, I would at least expect you to buy me a pizza. Call it penance. And not a wimpy pizza either. I'm talking about one with all the veggies and meats, including jalapenos and anchovies.

Thank you for respecting the insane number of years it took me to write this book.

THE

PLANET

PERFECTERS

is dedicated to all

the common heroes

of this great nation who

possess the courage

and the will to stand

against the tyranny of a

government that wants to

take care of us

CHAPTER 1

Day 54

Thursday, Part 1

Scene 1

(and only)

(which is good because this

chapter is kind of depressing)

It was a dull and dreary, cool and cloudy Thursday morning with flies flapping and flailing against the smeared and smudged pane of glass located in the east wall of the shaky old shack in the foul and forbidding back alley. No pretensions to maintain, no illusions to entertain, no butterflies flitting in the creamy caress of light - just cold, hard, sober reality slapping the drunk in the face as he woke from another long night in captivity.

He really didn’t want to wake up because he knew what awaited him.

When the stars first came to Earth and promised perfection, everyone thought they were the answer to every whispered prayer. Then the killing began, and they had forced Mule Elk’s village drunk, the most unlikely helper this side of Hades, to assist them in the slaughter. Life had become a waking nightmare, and every morning when he awoke, it began again.

First he would remember all the deaths from yesterday, and then he would help kill several times more. Not by choice, of course – they would force him to do it - but he knew that made little difference to the people who died because, willing or not, he would still be a part of making them dead.

Maybe… maybe if he just stayed asleep, just flat out refused to start the day, maybe he could delay those memories, maybe in time forget them altogether, and maybe the stars would leave him be. Maybe no one else would die, at least not today.

Maybe.

But no – the vibrations were already there, prodding him into motion.

The pattern had been the same ever since the stars showed up on Earth. It always started with a tingle deep in his gut, and not the kind of tingle that whispered time to pee or feed me or even your intestines are almost full, because those tingles were all in different places. This tingle started in his liver, always in his liver, then radiated out to his limbs and on down to his fingers and toes. Soon one set of digits or the other would begin tapping out a beat, and once that started, full bodily participation was a mere moment away. If he fought it, tried to ignore it, the compulsion increased until it was completely irresistible. If he didn’t climb out of bed on his own, the dancing would fling him out. It never failed.

The only way to stay on top of the process was to get up the moment the tingle began.

Maybe if he was a stronger man he could resist the vibrations. Maybe if he were a braver man he could break free from his captors. Maybe if he were a smarter man he could thwart their insidious designs. Maybe if…

But there was no ‘maybe if,’ because he was who he was, a drunk with little or no will of his own. Like it or not – and you can bet your bottom basket of bonnets he didn’t – he was a powerless tool, good for nothing more than serving at the will of the stars.

He kind of sort of wished the stars would gentle him as they had so many of his fellow humans. Then he wouldn’t hate their intrusions so much or find their presence to be so despicable or care that he was complicit in so many deaths.. He might even welcome the way they pulled his strings, making him perform on demand. But the stars would never gentle him, and he knew why.

If they gentled him, he would stop craving alcohol. If he stopped craving alcohol, he would stop drinking. If he stopped drinking, his liver would change. If his liver changed, either for the good or the bad, it would lose its power to receive vibrations and he would no longer function as a vocalizer.

To prevent that imperfection, the stars went to a great deal of trouble to keep him perfectly soused at the optimum level for full vibratory reception. Imperfection averted and refined.

Who would have ever thought, at this day and age, slavery would be reinstituted? And not just reinstituted, but welcomed, demanded even, by those who, not all that long ago, considered it to be abominable. Yet there it was, or more accurately there he was – a slave, kept by the stars to serve at the will of the people.

However, he knew something the people didn’t know. Not even the stars themselves knew it, or if they did they didn’t care. It was a secret that kept him sane, that gave him hope, that allowed him to hold on to the crazy notion that someday he would be free again. It was a secret that gave him liberty to act even within the bounds of his servitude. And it was so simple!

As he had done the last several days when he felt the tingle, he climbed out of bed and made his way to a glassless window. Freeing his dearly beloved from his fly, he took careful aim and hosed down the nearest star. As the pee left his body, his bladder felt lighter. As the star in front of him began to melt, his soul felt lighter. Just another year or so of heavy drinking, combined with intentional urinating, and he would be free!

CHAPTER 2

Day 54

Thursday, Part 2

Scene 1

Did you see that? Oliver Wendell Larson whispered. It’s just like we told you – he pees on them and they melt!

It was true. At the cabin the day before, where the entire Mule Elk Murdock clan, plus a few extras, hid from the alien stars and the military that assisted them, no one had really believed the four slackers. They wanted to, but the story just seemed too farfetched and the sources were hardly credible. Now Sam, Krystal-Lou, and O-Jay had seen it for themselves, and it was true. Crouched down behind an old dumpster, where they had been since sun-up, they saw the drunk come to the window, aim out at a star and let loose. As soon as the stream hit its intended target, it began to melt. It didn’t melt much, just the outer layer, but it did melt, and judging by the thickness of the yellow slime on the ground, it had happened often.

The stream trickled to an end and immediately the star, now misshapen and completely out of symmetry, shifted a few billion molecules around so that it retained a perfect five point star shape.

Well if that don’t beat all, said Sam. So that’s what that smelly yeller stuff is we find at ever thumping sight. Pee-melted star. How come we never figured it before?

Hmmm, said Krystal-Lou. Maybe because the star didn’t melt completely – only the part that comes in direct contact with the pee.

Well, yeah, said Sam, we just saw that. But why ain’t there different shaped stars, then? Seems some ought to be smaller than others, don’t it?

He got his answer two seconds later.

As they watched, a small stream of yellow flowed out of every other star in the compound, skiftered across the ground and merged with the most recently anointed one. In mere moments they were all identical again.

Way cool! said Oliver.

Shh, said O-Jay. Keep it quiet. I don’t want to be star food.

I agree with you, said Sam, and I think we seen enough. Let’s skedaddle afore they sense us.

Scene 2

Fascinating! said Lowgoss. He stood and began to pace around the room. They melt just a little, but share molecules so they stay the same shape. They become a little smaller each time, but it’s happening at such a gradual rate that we never even notice. Amazing! Do you suppose it’s the ureic acid that does it? If so, why that and nothing else? Or is there something else? Perhaps a whole host of other chemicals. We must test this out. I wonder if we could devise a way to capture one. Then we could pour all manner of liquids on it and find what melts it the most efficiently!

The others who sat around the Murdock cabin living room stared at the professor in surprise.

"We’s