Families Matter

By Nathan Overmeyer

How do you deal with communication breakdowns within a family? How do you restore broken relationships ? How do you address inherited problems that don't seem to go away?

'Families Matter' is illuminating, healing, and practical. It boldly address issues such as poor communication between couples, sexual complexities, the challenges of single parenting, the dangerous choice to have a child as a way to heal a marriage or to fill an emotional void, conflict resolution, the matter of trust between spouses, the power of forgiveness, and much more. One of the greatest challenges to healthy family life is to resolve the matter of trust between a couple. This book identifies trust as a critical key to a successful marriage and a successful family life. If matters of trust can be truly resolved, then the door is truly opened to a highly successful and joyful family life. Drawing from the lives of the great biblical characters (their foibles failures, and successes) and from personal experience Nathan Overmeyer offers excellent well-tested principles to enable families to become all that God (the Eternal and perfect Father) intended.

The book is a goldmine both for couples and families who are struggling with major issues and those who wish to help others with problems.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nathan Overmeyer
• Release date: Aug 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9780620891059

Nathan Overmeyer

Nathan, with his beautiful American bride Julianna and golden retriever Barnabas, lives out his passion of pastoral care and youth development in the beautiful Klein Karoo of South Africa. After completing seminary at Cornerstone Christian College and graduating from Stellenbosch University in 2005 with a BA in Christian Ministry (psych and theology) he served with Youth For Christ and as associate pastor for The Island Church in Knsyna. He continues to serve the local church with resources as a Regional Manager for Teach Every Nation and avails himself as a Mentor, Counsellor, and Leadership Facilitator. Additionally Nathan has completed the training as a Life Coach through John Maxwell Team. He has visited Israel, and joined mission trips to Argentina and 10 African countries, evangelizing as well as doing leadership and biblical training. In his free time he enjoys leatherwork.

Book preview

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife, Julianna Elizabeth Overmeyer, who has been my greatest encouragement in starting and finishing this book. And to my son who is still enjoying his single life, but I trust he too will appreciate the benefits of the wisdom of this book.

~~~*~~~

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter 1. Parenting Styles

Chapter 2. Isaac Grows Up

Chapter 3. Divine Intervention

Chapter 4. Communication Matters

Chapter 5. Growing Up In a Family

Chapter 6. Children Are Not the Solution to Marital Problems

Chapter 7. Trust is Essential to Any Loving Relationship

Chapter 8. Emotional Mastery

Chapter 9. You Reap What You Sow

Chapter 10. The Stranger I Married. Till Death Us Do Part

Chapter 11. Everyday People: Jacob's Wives and Sons

Chapter 12. Conflict Resolution

Chapter 13. Honour and Respect

Chapter 14. Personal Testimony

Chapter 15. The Church Family

Chapter 16. Warrior Wounds

Chapter 17. Forgiveness

Chapter 18. Why We Have Family Problems

Chapter 19. Roots and Fruits

Chapter 20. Shifting Into Selflessness

Chapter 21. Family Leadership: Legacies from the Abrahamic Family

Chapter 22. Sins of the Father: Wrestling with Abraham's Parenting Skills

Chapter 23. Was Jacob Right to Take Esau’s Blessing?

Conclusion

Appendix A. Steps to Forgiveness

Appendix B. 10 Tips for Healthy Families and Relationships

Bibliography

About the Author

~~~*~~~

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I wish to acknowledge the numerous authors that inspired me to tackle this sensitive subject. As an avid reader on the subject of family and a strong advocate of a healthy family lifestyle, I would like to acknowledge Cassie Carstens, who, through the movement The World Needs a Father, has greatly influenced me, and the time I spent at Cornerstone Christian College under the tutelage of Ashley Smyth. Other mentors such as James Dobson, Jim Daly’s blog and Bruce Wilkinson also contributed. To bring it closer to home I must acknowledge my mother Lorraine Overmeyer who demonstrated unconditional love, my church family in Knysna, The Island Church, under Brian Long as Pastor, and the amazing congregation who welcomed me in as a son. In the compilation of the actual book I owe a debt of gratitude to my gracious wife who spent months editing and proofing the content, and Alaythea Hamlyn of Truth House Publishing for her assistance. Authors who truly inspired me and need to be acknowledged are Richard L. Strauss, Gary Chapman, Howard Clinebell, Gary Collins, Mark Driscoll to name but a few; the remaining authors are cited in the bibliography. Other very instrumental people were our dear friend and neighbour, Karen Vorster, who put oil to canvas and so creatively depicted the concept of family, thus helping with the art work for the book cover. Another fortuitous connection was the graphic designer Theresa, to whom I owe gratitude for her work in setting out the cover so professionally.

~~~*~~~

FOREWORD

I was introduced to Nathan’s book Families Matter at a time in my life when I needed to be reminded all over again of the critical importance of keeping short accounts in all aspects of my family life. What is obvious from the outset of reading this book is Nathan’s love not only for his own family but for a fully experiential Christian family life.

I knew Nathan as a young student and have always enjoyed his insights, experience, passion for living, and wholehearted commitment to being clear and open about his Christian faith. All of these attributes are evident in this profound book. I do not use the word ‘profound’ easily. In essence, ‘profound’ means making an impact; ‘profound’ means significant; ‘profound’ means something deep. All of this is true of Nathan’s insights from chapter to chapter throughout the book. Nathan has been able to bring to life the narrative of the great family stories in the book of Genesis. We have a tendency to regard these narratives in an overly historical way, to the point that their lessons become redundant. Nathan has refused to allow this to happen to these early, wonderful, sometimes troubling, family experiences and incidents. Nathan brings to life the pain, the excitement, the naiveté, the troubles and perplexities of these early families of Abraham and his sons (and their families).

Nathan’s book is characterized by a blatant honesty. Nathan is not afraid to speak to ‘the elephant in the room’ e.g., issues of poor communication between couples, sexual complexities, the challenges of single parenting, the dangerous choice to have a child as a way of healing a marriage, or to fill an emotional void, etc. I like that about this book. It is both illuminating and healing.

One of the greatest challenges to healthy family life is to resolve the matter of trust between a couple. Nathan has endeavoured, and, I believe, succeeded, in identifying trust as the critical key to a successful marriage and a successful family life. If matters of trust can be truly resolved, then the door is truly opened to a potentially highly successful and joyful family life.

Nathan’s life experience, i.e. his own journey in life, is grafted into the narrative of the book. For someone who has now had 47 years of marriage, not always happy, but always striving to improve, I can only commend the insights that Nathan has brought to bear in this book.

Nathan, I honour you for your sterling effort, your godliness, your passion for family and your passion for God. May this book achieve the success it deserves. May you, the reader, experience the growth that this book is intended to inspire.

Dr Ashley Smyth

Academic Dean

SACAP (The South African College of Applied Psychology)

Email: [e-mail]

~~~*~~~

INTRODUCTION

I know everyone likes a good story. Newspaper sales are often based on stories of illicit sex, scandal, family breakdown, corruption, murder, and intrigue. The book of Genesis covers generations that set their history in time and keeps you on the edge of your seat. In reading the Word of God one can state categorically that the concept of family originated with God. (Genesis 1:26-28) The Trinity consists of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That is family exemplified!

Yahweh is often referred to as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Their stories are told in the first book of the Bible, specifically in Genesis chapters 12-37. This book will hone in on Isaac and his wife Rebekah particularly, but will expound further on both sides of that generational line. The outline is from the Bible, but a few articles and sermons are used to fill in some gaps where necessary, and to elaborate on certain issues that reveal some intrigues within these love stories. The authors quoted (mentioned in the list of acknowledgements and cited in the bibliography), hold strong convictions on the subject.

You may be asking yourself, What does this story have that's going to hold my attention and interest?

Any story told in isolation it is never quite accurate. Separated from circumstances and context, with only the facts laid bare, the storyline might seem empty. No person is an island. We are the sum total of the environment we grew up in, the people we interacted with – parents, siblings, neighbours, friends, and enemies, and our culture, our beliefs, our socio-economic situation, and political conditions. I see my own story parallel that of both Isaac and Rebekah, and His story – namely God’s story – intertwined to unfurl ultimately a beautiful tapestry of life. And, dear reader, you are certain also to find yourself in this story.

Family is God's design; it is an arena where we learn to grow in relationship with other members of our family. We not only grow but are strengthened through sibling rivalry. Our social graces are learnt in this environment. In Bible times, the home was where most learning was acquired. The syllabus was broad and ultimately it was the parents’ responsibility. A big and extended family was normal. One learned by observation. It was a safe environment where mistakes could be remedied easily. There is a scripture that says: Where there are no cattle in the barn there is no dung. (Proverbs 14:4, my paraphrase)

I remember singing the song in Children's Church Father Abraham; its lyrics were ‘Father Abraham had many sons, I am one of them and so are you.’ The Judaeo-Christian root is Abraham. We have been blessed through Abraham. He is also known as the father of faith (Romans 4:16), and it takes faith to keep a family functional and on track so that its members are emotionally healthy and able to develop a godly character for their future.

Someone once observed that there are three days a week that we have no control over – yesterday, today, and tomorrow. We only have this moment in time to prepare for eternity. For those who delay, why do you wait? If you think you can clean up your past to make preparation feasible, your efforts are futile. You can’t change your past, but you can change your future, and that of your family.

The bottom line in this book is that family is important. My heart is to see families restored, and dysfunctional families re-aligned and ushered into a new future with genuine hope.

A family is founded on a covenant. God embraces covenants, and when He enters into a covenant it is irrevocable. A man-made legal contract is only worth the paper it is written on. People break contracts daily and are willing to forego their obligation for a better deal. But God's covenant supersedes a contract. People married in a court of law are governed by the constitution of their state or nation. Those who marry in church and make covenant vows, are subject to a higher calling. God is to be the central focus of that relationship.

Children are a blessing from the Lord and are the vehicle to continue life, thus parents ought to steward their families with God's help. So, this book includes some pearls of wisdom on the topic of children, which, though not exhaustive by any means, will hopefully be insightful.

To enhance your experience in reading this book, I strongly suggest that you read from Genesis chapters 15-17, 21-30 in your own Bible, covering what God tells us about Abraham’s, Isaac’s, and Jacob’s families before you consider these gleanings. Each section includes some key questions to stimulate your heart for transformation where there are areas of conviction.

I do trust you will enjoy the journey.

Note: As an only child and the father of a son, tackling a topic in which the biblical subjects are primarily of the male gender, the author has focussed more on boys than girls in this book.

(Please read your Bible now)

~~~*~~~

PROLOGUE

Mary-Grace was on her way to the community fair, with she and her daughters dressed up to the nines. One more stop to pick up granny and they would represent three generations of the McDonald family. Watch out Hope Town, here we come. Laughter and frivolity filled their vehicle. Then, out of nowhere, a huge red truck jumps a stoplight and side swipes them. In a flash. No shout, no screams. All is black and dark. In an instant joy is turned to mourning.

It was a cold, grey, and rainy day in Hope Town. Roy Clark and his father sat in the family car, in the funeral home parking lot for several minutes. Teenager Roy wasn’t sure how to respond when his dad put his head in his hands and moaned, I don’t know what to say! Mary-Grace was a close family friend from their church. She had survived, but her three beautiful daughters had all died when the truck hit their vehicle. What made matters worse, the shock of the news of the death of her daughters had caused Mary-Grace to collapse with a heart attack, and she now lay in ICU. Mary-Grace had lost her husband just the year before from the devastating effects of cancer. Her family, as she knew it, was gone. Oh! the pain, the grief, the loss, the anguish, and now the loneliness. Why Lord? Why the McDonald's? What can we say to our friend at a time like this?

Some years ago, I was a witness to a horrific accident in Malawi that resulted in multiple body parts, limbs, and torsos being strewn across a busy road. The drivers in the traffic took a while to realise that it was human remains they were riding over. As I pondered that horrible accident and the images flashed through my mind, I realised that these were all members of families. As a pastor and counsellor with over 10 years in youth ministry I have witnessed the effects and repercussions of past generations on the present dynamics of a family. An injury to one is an injury to all. A whole community is affected. You see, families matter!

(Have you read Genesis chapters 15-17, 21-30 yet?)

~~~*~~~

Chapter One

Parenting Styles

Everyone needs a house to live in, but a supportive family is what builds a home.

(Anthony Liccione)

Before we delve into our Biblical families, let’s consider some of the dynamics affecting family relationships.

Fathering Styles

I am sure you are familiar with the old adage, Chip off the old block. Offspring so often look like and even behave like the parents. For some reason children seem to pick up more of the bad habits of their parents than the good habits. I recall my mom often saying, You talk and even walk like your father, but the greatest offense to me would be, You look just like your father!

The current trend of absent fathers often creates dysfunctional young men who frequently make for less than equipped husbands. Boys need their dad. But everything that glitters is not gold; one must remember that boys watch their daddy's every move. They want to be just like their daddy – big and strong. I amuse myself listening to young boys in conversation: My daddy can beat your daddy with his eyes closed and one hand behind his back. The other boy would respond, Oh no! My daddy hits so fast, while your daddy’s still dreaming about beating my daddy, he will have him locked down in a pretzel grip. Immediately the other boy would jump in, all flustered, No, my daddy... I am sure you have heard that kind of talk among young boys. Scientists call it the ‘Father Imaging’ (Imago Patra) years. Sadly, some less scientific people call it ‘monkey see monkey do’. Unless fathers intentionally and deliberately model good godly behaviour, their sons will mimic and imitate everything negative, to the last bad habit.

For example, if you want your son to treat women well, then, Dad, you had better treat his mom well. Respect and honour, when observed by a young boy, can have a lasting mental imprint.

I believe it is very pertinent here to make a differentiation between a ‘father’ and a ‘dad’. These two words are very similar on the surface and yet, to many people in today’s vernacular, they hold different meanings. A dad is someone who is there for his children. A dad watches and actively participates in their lives. A dad helps them grow up, raises them, nurtures them, attends dance recitals and soccer games, and is present. A father, on the other hand is something else; a father is more of a biological term than a role or a relationship. A father is ‘the birds and the bees’ version of a parent. They are reproductive assistants, if you will. Fathers need only contribute the biological component necessary to produce a child. After that, their role and obligation to the child is over. In the Hebrew language, the word ‘Abba’ represents daddy. This term of endearment and intimacy represents loving kindness and care. There is affection in this word. Although Jesus called his dad Father and God our Father is indeed the perfect version of a dad-father, yet sin has infiltrated the human family so that our fathers at best do not adequately represent this perfect father figure, and at worst they totally misrepresent Him.

As a generalisation we can identify four types of fathers:

1. The Authoritarian Father

I take no nonsense. Speak when you are spoken to. Follow my rules or else. Life with this father is characterised by dictatorial threats and punishments. Life is about performance, and love is meted out to a child on that basis. This dad’s love is conditional. His children feel like they are never good enough, no matter how hard they try.

2. The Neglectful Father

This father allows his sons to do as they please, and sets no boundaries. He spoils his children and gives in to their whims. No encouragement or discipline is offered. He resigns all responsibilities and authority to the mother/wife. Here is an abdication of fatherhood and parental guidance. This father is physically present in the boy’s life, but he is absent in rearing. His child either feels contempt for him, or sorry for him, or a