Jimmy vs Mutant Killer Crocs

By Michael Cairns

In a small town in Southern England, something is stirring...

Mostly, it's despair. Jimmy has returned from the shops to discover that his precious crocs have escaped their pen and are loose in Fampdown. The crocs have only one agenda; to get fed just as fast as they can. Jimmy's agenda is also simple; catch the crocs before anyone gets eaten or finds out they've escaped.
He's got some help. His best friend, serial-womaniser and personal trainer Dan, has a van and the time. They've got tranquilliser guns, nets and freshly-brewed coffee. Dan's babysitting his 16 year old niece, Tamara, but so long as she stays in the van, all will be well.
So there's not much to worry about...
Only the news keeps mentioning a lorry filled with toxic sludge that got stolen at the port, a storm is brewing over Fampdown, and crocs, it turns out, aren't quite as easy to catch as Jimmy would like.

This is the disaster movie Edgar Wright hasn't made yet and the buddy movie Kevin Smith should make having noisy sex in the back of a transit.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Cairns
• Release date: Jul 23, 2020
• ISBN: 9781909699847

Michael Cairns

Michael Cairns was born at a young age and could write even before he could play the drums, but that was long ago, in the glory days - when he actually had hair. He loves chocolate, pineapple, playing gigs and outwitting his young daughter (the scores are about level but she's getting smarter every day). Michael is currently working hard on writing, getting enough sleep and keeping his hair. The first is going well, the other two...not so much. His current novels include: > Young adult, science fiction adventure series, 'A Game of War' 1. Childhood dreams 2. The end of innocence 3. Playing God 4. Breathing in space 5. Escape 6. Gateway to earth > Urban fantasy super-hero series, 'The Planets' 1. The spirit room 2. The story of Erie 3. The long way home >Paranormal horror post apocalyptic zombie series, 'Thirteen Roses' 1. Before (Books 2-6 due for release in spring)

Book preview

Jimmy VS Mutant Killer Crocs

By

Michael Cairns

Published by Cairns Publishing

Copyright © Michael Cairns (2020)

All rights reserved. No part of this publication

may be reproduced, distributed, or

transmitted in any form or by any means without the

prior written permission of the publisher.

1st Edition

Cover photograph ID 1552818 © Dmitry Ersler | Dreamstime.com

Jimmy was a broken man.

Prior to this moment, he’d considered those sorts of expressions the reserve of hack authors and journalists, people for whom hyperbole was second nature. He, on the other hand, took pride in doing quite the opposite. There were no extremes in Jimmy’s life. At least, there hadn’t been until he got home from the supermarket and found the hole in the fence.

He stared at the hole, then at his knees, where his pristine white trousers were already covered in the mud into which he’d dropped, and let out a sound somewhere between his mother giving birth and the pathetic death cry of a goat. A pitiful, aching wail, it drifted up into the English sky to be lost amongst the scudding white clouds.

Such a lovely day. That had been his first thought when he woke this morning. He’d been feeling that way more and more of late, as his dream became a reality and business began to pick up. Everyone had argued with him, mocked his dreams. They’d told him he was too moderate, too fearful of extremes and that this, more than anything he could have done, was extreme.

But he’d suffered their slings and arrows, ignored their curses and doubts, and done it anyway. And he’d been proud. His dad had, too. They didn’t always see eye to eye on things, him and dad. The day Jimmy had decided to get a real tree at Christmas instead of a fake, they hadn’t spoken in over a week. The day he admitted to both parents that he had no intention of getting married, since bachelorhood suited him far better, had been the first crack in ice already worn thin.

He’d left their house thanking every god he could think of that he’d not followed through with his real plan and told them he was gay. There were things they could accept, things that made sense in their strange, ancient view of the world. Him being gay wasn’t one of them.

So when dad dropped round, mid-way through the construction work and told him how proud he was, Jimmy had struggled to find words.

Just like now, really.

He stared at the gap. It wasn’t that large, but it may as well have been. It was a tear right through his dreams.

He had to look over the fence. Jimmy whimpered and then, with a great sigh, straightened, brushed his knees as best he could, and took those three fateful steps up to the wire.

He saw what he saw every morning, a gorgeous grass meadow stretching down to the lake.

Nothing moved.

Of course it didn’t.

They were already long gone, they were bound to be.

He hunkered down and examined the gap. Torn at the bottom, ripped from the ground, and there was no way it had been sunk three feet down like he’d told the builder. A foot at best.

No barrier whatsoever to an eager crocodile.

Those bastards cut every corner. That was something he and dad agreed on. There was no excuse, not ever, especially in a situation like this where it could mean the difference between life and death.

Sweat trickled down his spine as his shoulders rose to his ears. I mustn’t think like that. It wasn’t warm today, not especially, so they were likely to be close, basking. They certainly wouldn’t have the desire to eat anyone. Yet.

He stomped back towards the house, scowl marring his tanned features. At the top, the sign seemed to mock him, sneering down where before it had smiled.

Jimmy’s Crocodile Farm.

The tag line - Get a taste of Florida right here in Fampdown. See the crocs, taste the meat, play the game - only laughed at him more. The residents of Fampdown would be playing the game now and no bloody mistake.

He shoved through the door.

‘Morning love.’ Delilah waved from reception, beaming smile in place. Finding someone with a smile like that, who actually meant it, had taken him months. She still cocked up making an invoice, but the punters loved her, as did their kids.

‘When did it happen?’ Jimmy asked.

‘When did what happen?’

‘Your highlights, what the hell do you think?’

‘I haven’t had highlights.’

‘They’ve escaped.’

‘No, I never got them. I know I was talking about it, but I went for nails instead. Here, what do yo—’

‘The crocs have escaped. The crocs have bloody well escaped.’

‘What?’

Jimmy ground his teeth as he rushed behind reception, hauled her up by the arm, and dragged her across to the vast window that looked out over the farm. They stood side by side, staring over the empty pen. Calling it a pen was an understatement. Jimmy had been emphatic that the crocs would have a decent habitat, somewhere they could be happy, and their pen was a work of art.

And entirely fucking empty.

‘Goodness, they’ve gone.’

‘God really didn’t skimp on you when he handed out the brains, did he?’

‘Oi, don’t be rude.’

‘Didn’t you bloody well check when you got here?’

‘Why would I check the crocs are here?’

‘Don’t you look at them when you get here?’

‘Sometimes.’ She gave him a look, making it clear that she would be just as happy womanning a desk in a nail parlour, or anywhere for that matter, and that being within a few metres of several tonnes of the most ancient creatures on Earth made zero difference to how many fucks she gave.

‘You…’ he trailed off, shaking his head. ‘Never mind. Not your fault. Shut up shop and go home, okay?’

‘Will I get paid?’

‘What do you think?’ he snapped. She glared at him as she wandered back behind her desk then emerged a few moments later with her bag.

‘What you going to do?’

‘I’ve no idea. Call the RSPCA, maybe?’

‘They’ll take ‘em away, won’t they?’

‘Most likely. I should have checked the fence.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Thanks. Me too.’

She was nearly out the door when he shouted. ‘Take care getting home, won’t you?’

She waved a hand over her shoulder and tottered off down the carpark to her Fiat. It’s good she’s got a car. He wouldn’t want to be strolling around town knowing what was out there.

Did anyone else know yet? He groaned, covered his mouth with one hand, then grabbed his phone. He googled Fampdown and checked the news sites. Nothing. He scanned the social media sites. Nothing. No one had spotted the crocs, which meant no one had been killed. Unless they’d been killed before they could Instagram them… don’t be ridiculous.

He sunk into his chair, letting out a long breath. He should call the RSPCA. They’d take them away, but at least it was their problem then. And no one would get hurt. He stared at the screen, tapping two fingernails against the back of his phone. They’d take them away and his dream would be over. Everyone would have been right. All those doubts they’d had, all the ways they’d said he’d fail, they’d all be right.

He sniffed, rubbed the tip of his nose with the phone, and stared at the screen some more. Then he dialled a number.

‘Jimmy you old bastard, what can I do you for?’

‘Dan, I need a favour.’

‘Go on.’

‘I need the van. And you, if you’ve the time.’

‘Always got time for you. What we getting?’

‘Crocs.’

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘They escaped.’

‘Oh Jimmy… fuck, mate, you’re kidding me.’

‘I wish I was.’

‘How many got out?’

‘All eight, I think.’

‘You think? You mean you haven’t checked?’

‘I’ll check in a minute all right, I’m trying to clear it up.’

‘Shouldn’t you call someone, the RSPCA or something?’

‘I should.’

‘But…’

‘But we could get them first and no one would know.’

Dan chuckled and Jimmy could picture his face. He was a looker, Dan, and he knew it. A round face, but one that worked because of his full lips and big brown eyes. He was, sadly, as interested in men as Jimmy was in wrestling and motor sports, which meant they could be friends and Jimmy could fill in the empty nights with fantasies that would only ever be fulfilled by his hand.

‘That’s just about the dumbest fucking idea I’ve ever heard, my friend,’ Dan said. ‘Not like the sensible Jimmy I know.’

‘Come off it, mate, this is my dream.’

‘Oh, don’t I know it.’

‘Don’t be like that.’

‘You just asked me to come croc hunting with you, I’ll be however I want. How do you hunt crocs anyway?’

‘I’ve got everything we need. Nets and tranquiliser guns. I couldn’t run the farm without them.’

‘So you throw a net over them then shoot them before they escape and tear you apart?’

‘That’s about it. If we can tranq them before we use the net, that’s even better.’

‘And what about moving them?’

‘We can lift one between us.’

‘You sound confident.’

‘I’ve been working out.’

‘When haven’t you been?’

‘And you’ve got muscles.’

‘Noticed, have you?’

‘Don’t be a bitch.’

‘Can I even be a bitch, you know, being straight and all?’

‘Don’t rub it in. And yes, you can, absolutely.’

The silence stretched out. Jimmy‘s toes curled in his shoes, even his Johnny Depp screen saver failing to calm the churning in his gut. Then Dan answered.

‘Fine. I’m in. But you owe me.’

‘What do you want? Name your price.’

‘Oh, I’ll think of something. Oh, crap, hang on.’

‘What?’ Jimmy resisted the urge to scream.

‘I’m babysitting. I’ve got my niece with me today. She’s alright, she’s 16, she’ll be fine.’

‘Do 16 year olds need to be babysat?’

‘They do if they’ve got my sister as their mum.’

‘Scarlet’s alright.’

‘She’s great, but she couldn’t be more paranoid if she found a microphone in her kettle.’

‘She’s a mum. Isn’t that what mums are supposed to do?’

‘Ask Tamara, she’ll tell you.’

‘Who’s Tamara?’

‘My niece, you wank muffin.’

‘How am I supposed to ask her?’

‘She’s coming with me, of course.’

‘What? You said she’d be okay.’

‘She will. She might even help. Unless she’s got a new game on her phone. If that’s happened, you’ll be lucky to get a hello.’

Jimmy took the phone away from his ear, stared at it a moment, then took a breath. It was this or the RSPCA and the end of his dream. He took another breath. ‘Fine. Tamara can come along.’

‘You’re so generous. I’ll tell her you consented to letting her save your dream, capture dangerous animals, and possibly get eaten to death. She’ll be eternally grateful.’

‘Just get here as soon as you can. Alright?’

‘Do my best.’

Jimmy hit end call, placed the phone on his