The Fame Eaters: Tumultiverse, #2

By Wilson Belshaw

Things really peak in this second round of The Quest Factor as the competition moves to the Yelps. For unknown reasons, Smarman the Sorcerer has chosen the mountain town of Düzulspimk to host their enduring exploits. Former Chosen One Grenny Gurbit questions this - something Smarman encourages. He likes it when people know he's keeping secrets.

The continuing competition presents new challenges for our three heroes. The wizard Eeffee discovers that dealing with a bad review is even more challenging than taking out a horde of morbods. Her twin sister Selll learns that fame isn't all crap, but it can be. Their mentor Grenny struggles to escape the bad advice of the woman who taught her. She distracts herself by feuding with Mucal Slycep – a hateful goblin who's had a wholly undeserved spot of good luck.

Düzulspimk throws up intrigue of its own – whether it's an infestation of undead duck-weasels or a rampant bürgermeister with a lust for lust. Our heroes receive help in their endeavours from an unusually large dwarf and some secret-loving sky cats.

Will this help be enough to uncover the mystery of the infamous Fame Eaters? Almost certainly. That's kind of how stories work. It would be weird if things didn't come together, honestly.

'The Fame Eaters' is a satirical fantasy in the style of writers like Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman, and Robert Rankin.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wilson Belshaw
• Release date: Jul 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393348047

Book preview

EXORDIUM – WHAT WAS FOUND

I admit that I put my faith in the wrong people last time.

- Smarman the sorcẽrer

The blimp looked peaceful from the outside. Like all such vessels, it hung silently in the night sky – a tranquil companion to the city. Few would have guessed the fear inside of it. Fewer still would have imagined the chaos.

"WHERE IS IT!? Smarman raged in the library. WHERE IS IT!?"

The sorcẽrer horded many invaluable items on his airship. His collection included several of the most valuable artẹfacts in existence. Out of all these priceless objects, only one was irreplaceable. The sorcẽrer had just realised he’d lost it.

"HOW!?" he screamed in his fury.

With his temper snapped, Smarman shrieked like an animal. Mentally he lashed out with the full force of his power. Books whirled around the library – a tornado of hatred and dictionaries.

"WHY CAN’T I FIND IT!?" he raged. "WHY CAN’T I FEEL IT!?"

His voice sounded half tiger and half collapsing star. As he wailed, the sorcẽrer’s form loosened into something inhuman. Anyone watching would have seen darkness dripping from his pure, black eyes – a bottomless ichor that failed to diminish. Tendrils oozed out and covered his body.

"WHERE IN THE HELLS IS MY TỌME!?"

Having assumed he was alone, the answer he received came as a shock.

What now? Shadelle sighed.

His associate had materialised behind him. Like all of their kind, she had grey skin, black eyes, and hair that sparked with electricity. The spinning books took a path around her with no obvious effort on her part.

"THE TỌME!" Smarman roared. "WHERE’S THE GÕDS DAMNED TỌME!?"

Nothing remained of his features besides a mouth and eyes. His beard had burned away in a flash of blue fire. As his rage increased, the books spun ever faster. The sound of their flapping filled the room.

It’s here, you silly, silly man.

She went to grab The Finitimoire from her handbag, but accidentally grabbed 50 Shades of Green – the goblin erotica novel. When she recovered The Finitimoire, Smarman screamed. This wasn’t the tọme he was looking for.

"HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL IT!?"

How can I not...?

Rather than finishing this thought, Shadelle checked in with her feelings. The city of Madfettle had just narrowly averted the apocalypse. In the wake of this, she hadn’t had her thinking hat on.

Ah, she said. "You mean The Voidogha. I can’t feel it either. Have you looked in all the obvious places?"

"I DON’T THINK I DROPPED IT BEHIND THE SOFA!"

Well, obviously not that. I mean could it be in a bag of họldage, or with that octopus friend of yours?

In response, Smarman seethed – the anger boiling off him like hot pollution.

So where have you looked?

"WHAT’S THE POINT!? IF WE CAN’T FEEL IT, WHOEVER HAS IT MUST HAVE PUT IT IN AN IRON BOX!"

Yes, and obviously throwing a temper tantrum is more productive than having a quick look.

Before he had chance to complain, she tëleported out to the Madfettle night sky. The darkness didn’t hamper her vision. As a gõd-like immortal, Shadelle could see everything below with pinpoint accuracy.

Come on, she said to herself. I know one of you lifebags must have it.

The night air felt cool, but it was far from calm. Madfettle had yet to settle down after the chaos of the day. Grenny’s final confrontation with the nihilote had resulted in the destruction of two buildings. Dust still filled the air.

Looking through the murk, Shadelle scanned for suspicious activity. Watching Madfettle at night meant she found plenty – more of the suspicious sort than the opposite, in fact.

Goodness me, why would anyone do that in public? she asked, as she beheld a notably depraved act. "I’m not even sure how they’re physically doing that."

She recoiled again when she saw what looked like a middle-aged woman getting off with a fiẻnd on the roof of a constabulary carriage. The fiẻnd looked like a bẻhearer; the woman had a ginger beehive. They both seemed old enough to know better. Probably by a few thousand years in the fiẻnd’s case.

Clearly mild anarchy had engulfed the city. Shadelle found herself overwhelmed by all the people. While many had stayed home – fearing another attack – more had wanted a look. The people of Madfettle liked to get involved. A crowd of them circled the giant crater where Bommber’s Folly once stood. Several threw stuff in. A few more did a wee into it.

Yuck, the sorcẽrer remarked.

She couldn’t see any likely tọme thieves, but she did see something intriguing at the bottom of the crater.

"I’ll come back for that later," she thought.

Failing to spot anything else, Shadelle tëleported back to the Iron Blimp. She found Smarman had reasserted some control over his form. He’d also returned the library to its usual state. If not for the panicked looking ælthẽ in one corner, you never would have known there’d been a kerfuffle.

Anything? Smarman asked absently.

He’d sat down in a leather highback – a glass of Pourlessier in his hand. Waiting for an answer, he inhaled the expensive stench of his stink-brandy.

Smarman’s sudden indifference irritated her, as much of his behaviour did. Her hair sparked with electricity in response. As she had a perm, the charge had some significant surface area to crackle in. This voluminous hairdo looked almost as tasteless as her dress.

Nothing, she answered. But how big a deal is it, really? It’s not like anyone can read the bloody thing – not without the rest of it. Presumably our thief will hold on to it for a few years then sell it on the black market. When that happens, we’ll swoop in and take it.

She noticed with some surprise that Smarman’s hand had started trembling.

There may be another puzzle piece out there, he said quietly.

Shadelle groaned.

Why do you always do this? Why do you risk everything for such petty amusements?

When you live as long as we have, flirting with disaster is the only way of keeping yourself amused.

"You don’t flirt with disaster; you grope at calamity. What have you done this time?"

Smarman took another whiff of the Pourlessier.

I used the name ‘Alando’ with some goons I had working for me. The UR captured two of them. According to my contact, one of them is cooperating. He’s already given them the name.

He didn’t look around, but he could feel his associate seething.

"Hubris! she snapped – stabbing him with the word like a pin. Hubris, hubris, hubris!"

Yes, well I’m sure we’ll get a handle on it, Smarman sighed, as if he’d grown bored.

"Yes, I’m sure I will, but it’s still a massive inconvenience!"

Smarman avoided eye contact as she spoke, looking uncharacteristically pensive.

"And you don’t think there’s any chance that they took it?"

"They who?" she replied in confusion.

Seeing the sheepish look on his face, she remembered his old obsession.

Jovis bloody Christ! You’re not talking about the Space Dukes, are you? They haven’t existed for 12,000 years! And even if they had somehow survived, I think it’s safe to assume they no longer pose a threat to us. Really! I thought you’d stopped believing in that nonsense?

He thought he had too.

You need to forget about the ancient space wizards and start worrying about the Convocation. They already had it out for you – what do you think they’ll say now you’ve sparked an interdimensional incident with one tọme and lost another? They’re going to tear you a new sqothole.

Infuriatingly, Smarman turned and smiled.

You really think I’m bothered about those self-aggrandising also-rans? The only thing they’re in charge of is telling people they’re in charge of things. If our fellow immortals had any actual power over us, they would have used it already.

Have you considered that maybe the Convocation took the tọme?

He hadn’t.

Smarman held his peers in the Convocation in very low regard. He would never in a thousand years have considered them capable of getting one over him. As they’d literally all lived for millennia, this theory had undergone rigorous testing.

I don’t think so either, Shadelle said. "But there is a chance that whoever took The Voidogha knows how to use it. And if that’s the case, you know exactly what they’ll be after next."

This is how I know it won’t be the Convocation. They wouldn’t go near it with a 10-foot pole. Risks require the courage to flirt with disaster.

Shadelle groaned again.

And you’re suggesting that we grope at this calamity, are you?

As much as he hated to admit it, he needed her help. It infuriated her that she had little choice but to offer it. More than anything, Shadelle wanted to untangle herself from Smarman’s octopoidal grip. As always, she’d pried away several appendages only to feel the slimy clasp of another tentacle.

I’m going to arrange for some help to make sure we have eyes on everything, Smarman said – being atypically reassuring. If anyone makes a move against us, we’ll know about it.

How heartening. And as you chose your underlings so cleverly last time, I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong.

Gallingly, the smirk returned to his face.

"I admit that I put my faith in the wrong people last time. That’s why we won’t be using people going forwards."

BOOK I – INTO THE UNKNOWNS

1 – THE DEAD HALFLING

THIS IS NOT A TOILET!

- Anonymous

Grenny Gurbit stared at Halfling Hamlets. She’d rarely seen them beneath a clear sky before. As she watched, the sun sloped down towards the horizon, casting the towers in a fuzzy, orange haze. Constabulary sirëns rang in the distance. It would be some time before the city settled down.

The halfling still wore her ‘Cremona’ outfit and makeup. This meant she looked like a goth assassin with white lightning bolts over her eyes. Thanks to the mägick-grade makeup she wore, these bolts hadn’t so much as smudged. They stood out sharply against her dark, black skin.

So this is where Murta lives, she said out loud. "Or lived, anyway. She won’t be living here now. She won’t be living anywhere."

Her human comrade rubbed her shoulder.

Thanks, Grenny said awkwardly.

She and her pupil had 30 years between them, with Eeffee Tsukino having recently turned 18. The human wore a bright wizard’s robe with purple and red stripes. Ordinarily the robe’s illüsion made its colours move and sway. After everything they’d endured, it did little besides flicker every so often.

She’s dead alright, Eeffee added bluntly.

Grenny turned and give her a look.

May she rest in peace, the wizard added.

The young human had a mixture of Pundlian and Jiohnese heritage, but their third companion was all Jiohnese. Itchi Kanno looked just as garish as Eeffee – possibly even more so. Unlike her, the goblin’s robe stopped at the knees and had pantaloons underneath. Itchi used mägick, but he also had moves. A full robe would hamper his flow.

Looking at Halfling Hamlets, Itchi had a question. As a deaf person who spoke little Pundlian, he spoke with the aid of a visitör. This faër being consisted of body parts that could be summoned on command. In this instance, he had hands to talk in sign and lips to speak in Pundlian.

Am I to believe that Murta Maggins – the legendary hero of note – lived in such wretched squalor?

You should see where I live, Grenny laughed. This is high end squalor by Madfettle standards. But yeah. She lived here.

Itchi couldn’t picture a hero living somewhere like this. Few people thought about poverty until they experienced it. They certainly never imagined it inflicting people like themselves.

The goblin vowed to educate himself in future. Seeing the look on his face, Eeffee laughed. She felt like she’d read everything he just thought. Strangely, it didn’t feel weird to be in his presence – even though she’d religiously watched his adventures for the past two years. It felt very comfortable, in fact.

Turning around, Itchi saw Eeffee’s expression. Weirdly, he felt like he could read her thoughts, too. He smiled before glancing away. A second later he glanced back. This time they just grinned at one another.

Are we going in then or what? Grenny asked.

She stared at the tower that Murta had lived in. Grenny had brought her shopping for years; now she’d have to sort through her belongings. Like most of the Lightspreaders, Murta had never had children.

It’s a miserable life, Grenny sighed.

Yours is? Eeffee asked. Yeah, I got that impression. Have you thought about taking up a hobby?

I mean the life of a Lightspreader!

But you are a Lightspreader... so what’s the difference?

"I’m saying it’s a miserable life for every Lightspreader. You immediately go from being the most important person in the multiverse to the person who used to be the most important person in the multiverse. You can’t top saving Reality. Your career peaks as soon as it begins, and then Darkun comes back 50 years later anyway. You should ask yourself if you want this life."

Eeffee laughed.

Of course I do – the trick is to never, ever peak.

Grenny shook her head. Part of her admired the confidence; a bigger part wanted to grab Eeffee by the shoulders and shake.

And how do you plan to top saving the multiverse?

I’ll just save a bigger multiverse, Eeffee shrugged. Or maybe I’ll keep reinventing myself like Daveth Bowleggy?[1]

Go on then – what’s your next persona going to be?

Eeffee thought about this. Suddenly, being in Itchi’s presence made her feel nervous. She’d never seriously considered how she might reinvent herself before, and now would be a bad time to say something dumb.

Black lightning bolts over my eyes? she suggested.

Seeing the look on Grenny’s face – and the white lightning bolts she wore – Eeffee realised what she’d done.

Ha ha! she laughed – smiling awkwardly at Itchi. That was the joke suggestion. I’d really go for... black four leaf clovers?

Now Grenny laughed.

"See? It’s harder than it looks. Daveth didn’t just slap some different makeup on; he embodied every one of those personas. He also learned a new skill class every time. Got plans to give up wizardry and become a ranger like your sister, have you?"

EWW! Eeffee squealed – choking on the ridiculousness. No! I’ll just... you know... work something out as and when, I guess?

Grenny had no doubt she would. She’d done the same thing herself, which is how she came to understand the phrase ‘learning things the hard way’.

Let’s go in and see what your sister knows, the halfling said.

Oh yeah! I forgot there was mystery afoot.

The trio entered the tower and made straight for the building’s lẹvitator. Stepping inside, they immediately recoiled from the stench of urine. On one wall, someone had inscribed the words ‘THIS IS NOT A TOILET!’ Someone else had crossed out the word ‘NOT’. A third person changed the message entirely to ‘THIS IS NOT A TOILET IS TOILET!’

Hailing from Jiohho, Itchi had never encountered a lẹvitator/urinal before. He wondered if the smelly box had received this designation officially or if urinators had simply taken advantage of the privacy. Out of politeness he kept his wincing to a minimum.

Will Murta have food in? I’ve not eaten since before the world nearly ended.

Grenny gave Eeffee a stern look.

You don’t think that’s a bit disrespectful? Snarfing down a dead woman’s éclairs?

I’ll use a plate!

"I’m not talking about crumbs! I’m saying... you know... they’re Murta’s."

Eeffee looked horrified.

They’re not going to bury her with them, are they? Is that some sort of Lightspreader tradition?

The halfling pinched the bridge of her nose.

I’m just saying it’s disrespectful, alright?

I thought you two didn’t get on?

We didn’t, Grenny sighed. But...

Grenny muttered something indecipherable as the lẹvitator came to a stop. In their rush to escape the smelly box, she and Eeffee fell out of it. Their tumbling drew the attention of the person they’d come to meet.

EEFFEE! Selll shouted.

The human turned and saw her sister standing at the end of a shabby hallway.

SELLL! she cried back – tripping over her robe.

The two women ran towards one another – colliding with such force that they fell to the ground.[2]

Absolute tools, Grenny said.

She smiled as she said it.

Looking beyond them, she saw an unfamiliar man outside Murta’s front door. His name was Adis Okofor. The black, human wizard wore a figure-hugging, white robe. He also sported a beard with an open patch on the chin.

Will they do this for long? he asked in an Afrique accent.

Why, are you in a rush?

Am I... !?!? Did you not notice that the whole world nearly ended?

We’re the ones who stopped that happening, pal. So if we wanna take our time with this next bit, we will do.

Adis let out a deep sigh.

I am sorry. It has been a long...

He stopped talking to look at his pocket watch.

Two hours and five minutes.

Grenny nodded. For all the build-up, these things always ended in a flash. Given all that had happened, it only seemed fair to let the sisters reconnect. Up to a point anyway. After a minute or so, Grenny got bored and poked Selll in the shoulder.

Are you going to tell us what you know then or what?

Cremona! Selll responded – untangling herself. You’ve got your makeup on again! And you brought that guy my sister likes!

Eeffee watched in horror – wondering how the visitör would translate ‘likes’. She breathed a sigh of relief when the translation went with, "that guy my sister reveres!"

"Spending the past two years learning Jiohnese sign language was a smart move," she thought.

Yeah, I’m back in action, sort of, Grenny said. But let’s get to the important stuff first. We don’t want to keep this hanger inspector waiting.

I already told her, I am not a hanger inspector! Adis complained. I am the lead sorcologist at the UR’s Super Secret Ënchantment Containment Facility. We simply met in a hanger.

The women supressed sniggers. Selll had mentioned this might wind him up.

Well? he asked.

As Adis shook his head, the twins stood up. Selll looked nervous, excited, and terrified. Gathering them all together, she leaned forwards and spoke with an anxious tremor.

I think that Smarman released Darkun early, she said portentously. And I also think we can prove it.

2 – REGRET ME LOTS

The more he rubs it in people’s faces, the more he enjoys himself.

- Grenny Gurbit

Grenny immediately noticed the sound when she stepped into the flat. Specifically, she noticed the absence of it. Usually, the flat reverberated like a cymbal – especially when Murta meditated. At some point since her death, the resonance had faded to silence.

It’s quiet, Grenny noted.

The halfling choked up as she said it. She didn’t want to cry over a woman who’d consistently rejected her – not least because Murta herself would have ridiculed it.

"Remind me to put her bins out before we leave," she said – breaking down at the end.

Eeffee put a hand on her shoulder. The human tried to nip around for a deeper hug, but Grenny put an arm up to block her. Selll and Adis exchanged an awkward look. After a moment of quiet sobbing, Grenny composed herself.

Let’s just get on with it, she said – wiping her eyes. In my experience, there’s always more time to feel awful.

As Grenny repressed her feelings, Murta’s house pwnthers appeared at the end of the hallway. The felines came staggering towards them – one of the clumsy cats colliding with a bureau. Grenny noticed that a letter rested on top of it. It read:

‘Look after them for me. Unless you died as well, which you probably did knowing you. Everything not fit for the bin has already gone to the charity shops. If you see something you want, you’re welcome to it – it’s rubbish anyway.’

The halfling spent a few minutes inspecting the note. It felt like there should be more; it also felt like classic Murta.

What does it say? Eeffee asked.

"Flepp you, basically."

Flepp me? Why, what did I do?

Her mentor responded with a withering look.

You four go into the living room. I’ll be through in a minute.

Grenny clung to the note as they passed. She hadn’t expected or wanted Murta to bequeath her anything. Now she had to go through her stuff and see what she considered too tacky for charity but just right for Grenny.

Fleppity doo-dah, she muttered.

Having composed herself, the halfling stepped into Murta’s bedroom. The room had no bed. Either she’d given it away or she’d slept on the floor. Grenny guessed the latter.

Looking around, she saw that nothing remained in the room – not even coat hangers. She found the same thing in the kitchen. In her thoroughness, Murta hadn’t just donated the kettle, she’d also given away the teabags. Every draw and cupboard stood empty.

Looking in the bin, she saw that it didn’t even need taking out. The faër that lived inside it looked at her expectantly. When she failed to feed it any rubbish, it looked disappointed.[3]

Besides a couple of airing cupboards, this left only the living room. When Grenny walked into it, she saw Murta had clustered a number of items in one corner. They stood on the coffee table that Grenny had bought for her. Looking at the items, she realised she’d bought all of them too.

You’ve got to be kidding me, she muttered.

The table didn’t contain anything special – just little things Grenny thought Murta might like. This included:

An ënchanted tin opener to replace the one that mangled everything.

Several house pwnther ornaments – something Murta collected.

The orthotics Murta needed to stop her agonising foot pain.

ALL OF THE ITEMS WERE in excellent condition. The orthotics remained in their box, suggesting Murta had lied when she said she had them in her slippers.

"You nasty, old bastard," Grenny thought.

No one else in the room knew the significance of the items, and Grenny didn’t want to educate them.

Right, she said – trying to sound casual and not like an old tin opener had just mangled her heart. So who’s this Alando feller, then?

THE FIVE OF THEM SAT on the floor in Murta’s flat. They would have sat on chairs, but the room didn’t have any – had never had any, in fact. Murta could hover in the air. You didn’t buy sofas when you could do that.

To make it easier for Itchi to follow, the group sat in a circle. This gave proceedings a portentous feeling – forcing everyone to stare at one another. Two people stared more than others. Eeffee and Itchi remained so focussed on one another that it seemed like they’d lost movement in their necks. Selll and Grenny tried not to laugh.

As everyone got comfortable, Murta’s house pwnthers stumbled into the living room. Grenny didn’t know what she’d do with the clumsy house cats.  She didn’t want little reminders of Murta living with her, but she also couldn’t take them to the pound. It felt like she’d be punishing them to get back at her dead mentor.

Thankfully, the pwnthers managed to immediately delight the twins. The stumbling felines rubbed against their crossed legs – or tried to, anyway. Lacking balance, the pwnthers kept staggering off to one side. The twins caught them as they fell over in a shower of legs.

Stroking the pwnther made Selll feel more relaxed – more ready to get into it all.

Okay... she began.

Selll felt less sure when she began talking. She worried it would all sound crazy – a legitimate concern given what she had to say. This was how the powerful got away with it, of course. They operated on such a preposterous level that acknowledging reality made you sound paranoid and unhinged.

Still, she had to say something.

Alando is the name of the company that sent me and Eeffee to find Darkun, she began – the words coming out quickly once she started. "It’s also the name of the man who hired Gruw, Kisyat, and Lorahnne – the three failed Quest Factor contestants who freed Darkun from the UR."

Adis leaned forwards – a look of rapt attention on his face. The others looked interested, too. They hadn’t known about the second bit.

There’s also the montauk thing, Selll continued. The Alando company gave my sister a bracelet that detects montauks, and Smarman had a tọme with an actual montauk on it – the tọme that we took from his blimp.

The ranger held up an iron box – the one which contained the tọme. She didn’t open it, as she assumed Smarman would be able to detect it if she did. She assumed correctly.

Oh, and on top of all that, Lorahnne suspected that Alando is actually Smarman. Although she didn’t so much ‘suspect’ it as say ‘it’s definitely, 100% him’.

It took a moment for all this to sink in. It took a moment longer for Itchi, as he had to wait for the translation. When it hit, he let out a protracted, Ohhhhhhh! sound.

Did she have anything solid? Eeffee asked.

The human Tsukino sister seemed unusually irritated. Selll could see why. If Smarman had committed crimes against Reality, Eeffee’s fledgling career might get swept up in the reprisals.

We can’t turn a blind eye to him putting the multiverse at risk because it might stop you getting more influencer deals!

Selll may have understood her sister’s concerns, but she also had no time for them.

"I’m just being... sensible? Eeffee suggested. Because if Smarman did set all this up, why would he leave all these clues?"

Grenny laughed at that. The unexpected noise caused one of the pwnthers to fall over.

"Leaving clues is exactly the sort of thing Smarman would do. He thinks he’s untouchable. He’s probably not wrong. The more he rubs it in people’s faces, the more he enjoys himself."

See! Eeffee said – although none of this backed up her point. We should just not get involved.

There’s more to your life than your career, Eeffee!

"Yeah, but there’s not more to my life than my life, Selll! You’re saying Smarman used some ex contestants to carry out his plan and then tried to have them killed? What do you think he’ll do to us if he finds out we’re on to him?"

Selll had avoided thinking about this.

Eeffee’s right, Grenny sighed. If he did all this, then he’s even worse than I thought. And that’s saying something, because I already thought he was the worst thing since slimed bread.[4]

Eeffee held her arms out to say, "You see?"

Selll scrunched her face up and waggled a pointing finger to retort, "I’ll come back to you in a minute."

I thought that if anyone would want to take revenge against Smarman, it would be you, she said to Grenny.

The halfling looked away.

"Getting you and your sister killed isn’t taking revenge against him."

She could barely keep her head up after she said it.

So what – we’re just going to run away and hope he doesn’t destroy the multiverse in the mean time?

Grenny just about found the energy to shrug.

We’re like rabbits in his headlights. You can stand up to him if you like, but it won’t slow him down. He’ll enjoy running you over, too. After he’s finished, he’ll probably take a selfie with the mess.

So you just want to run away and hide like a coward?

Yes! Why do you think the world has so many cowards in it? It’s because everyone else ends up dead or working in a subterranean dive tavern.

Selll didn’t look impressed. No one enjoyed having to goad their hero into heroics.

I’m sorry I called you a coward, she said after a pause. What I meant to say was ‘piss baby poo pants’.

The halfling had to stop herself grinding her teeth.

I’ve done too many miles around the block to be motivated by peer pressure! As much as I’d like to drive my fist through Smarman’s massive ego, I can’t put you lot at risk just to make myself feel better.

That’s nice, but you’re forgetting one thing.

What?

They rescued Darkun from the UR facility. That means Smarman will fix whatever’s wrong with him and set him going again. When that happens, he’s going to expect you to train my sister. Because she’s going to sign up whether we like it or not.

Everyone looked at Eeffee.

That does sound like me, to be fair, she said cheerfully.

It sounded like Smarman too, Grenny realised.

For flepp’s sake, she said gravely – picturing what it all meant. Smarman has a way of making you give in to your baser urges. If I’m around him knowing all this, I won’t be able to stop myself from shouting about it.

Yep, Selll agreed.

Ugh, Eeffee seconded.

ACHOO! a pwnther added.

And what about you? Grenny asked Itchi. I can’t imagine you feel very good about getting swept up in all this?

When his visitör finished translating, Itchi turned to Eeffee. He struggled to follow native speakers, but he could speak a little Pundlian. He chose to do so now.

You cannot always predict what you will get swept up in, he said.

The goblin stared deeply into Eeffee’s eyes as he spoke. The human stared deeply right back. They went so deep that they forgot about everyone else.

So all this aside, are you saying we should try to fight Smarman or we shouldn’t? Grenny asked.

Itchi didn’t notice his visitör translating at first. When the faër realised this, it tapped him on the shoulder. When he ignored that, it flicked him in the forehead. A startled Itchi blinked as if he’d just come out of a cave.

Tackling a gõd-level entity like Smarman would present unknowable risks, he replied, I have not made a career out of caution, but I believe you three need to make this decision. After all, you are the ones who must deal with this dubious creep. Just know that I shall stand by you either way. Perhaps we should exchange contact details to better facilitate this?

He looked specifically at Eeffee as this last part got translated.

Aww! she said. And oh my gõds, yes – I have like fifty ways you can reach me!

Grenny shook her head again, although she appreciated the goblin’s broader sentiment.

Thanks, she said, although clearly Itchi and Eeffee had once again stopped paying attention.

This just left Adis. The human had said very little up until this point. He’d waited nearly three hours for these answers and hadn’t wanted to interrupt once they began flowing.

Well? Grenny asked him.

Adis smiled before answering. The human had more than just opinions on the matter.

I believe I can help you with your problem, he said.

A pwnther sneezed on itself in response.

3 – KAIRONAUTS

Jellied horse meat.

- Eeffee Tsukino

T hank you for telling me your story, Adis said earnestly.

He stood up and brushed down his robe before continuing.

I shall explain how I came to be here.

The lead sorcologist of the SSECF told them how the UR had captured Darkun. He further relayed how the unholy terror had used sign language to call himself ‘Alando’. He then complained about the dreadful events that led to his appearance on the Iron Blimp.

So we don’t even have to figure out what Smarman’s up to, Selll said. We can just hand this tọme over to the UR and let them deal with it?

Grenny threw her head back and laughed. Selll looked confused.

The UR has given him free reign to do what he likes for as long as it’s existed. They’re afraid of him and his tọmes. Do you think they’re going to investigate him properly? If they did, they’d be up to their necks in it.

Selll looked to Adis for reassurance. The human didn’t look back, but he did sigh.

What your friend says may be true, he admitted.

So why do you work for them?

He looked at Selll – a look of calm on his face.

"For a long time, I believed the United Realms was – if not a force for good – then at least a force for order. I thought we made the multiverse a safer place. But then something hit me. To be precise, something almost hit me. On the Iron Blimp – when the fumewyrm smashed those crates – a barrel of jellied horse meat flew straight past my face."

He paused as he relived the moment.

In that instant, I realised we hadn’t brought order; we had merely swept chaos under the rug. Now pandemonium has come crawling back out.

He paused again as he considered the implications of his proposal.

The UR cannot help you, but I can.

As he said it, he removed a bag of họldage about four feet wide and six inches deep. When he stretched it out, a small realmgạte dropped onto the floor. The circular stone gạteway balanced perfectly upon landing – purple faḗryfire appearing in the centre. It burst out towards the edge with a smell of blueberries and lead. 

If you would follow, I will show you what I can do for you.

Without explaining himself, Adis leaned over and prodded a sequence of rụnes on the control glỵph. The action caused a ripple to spread out from the middle of the faḗryfire. The sorcologist nodded at them as he stepped through the realmgạte. When he’d gone, Grenny and Selll stood up to inspect it.

That was a pretty good speech, actually, Grenny said. I thought he might be a bit of pinger when I first met him, but he seems alright.

Are we going to follow him? Selll asked.

I’m up for it, Grenny shrugged. I can never sleep after I save the multiverse anyway.

The pair of them looked at Eeffee. She seemed to have lost interest and become engrossed in stroking the pwnther – largely because Itchi had stood up.

Did you listen to any of that? Grenny asked.

Jellied horse meat, Eeffee said without looking around.

You realise we’re talking about pretty serious stuff, right? Selll asked.

I know, Eeffee groaned. Why do you think I look so bored?

Selll made several attempts to get her words out but just couldn’t.

Look, I get that it’s bad, Eeffee said. I also get it’s beyond our ability to fix, so why worry about it?

Worrying about things is the first step towards not being killed by them! Selll argued.

You say that, but you’ve died more times than me!

AS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOU FAFFING ABOUT!

Can you do this later? Grenny suggested. Because yeah, you can.

Not waiting for an answer, she stepped through the realmgạte. Being a halfling meant she didn’t even need to duck. After some protracted glaring, Eeffee ended the stalemate with a raspberry. A muttering Selll gave the pwnthers one last scratch before following Grenny.

She found herself somewhere unexpected.

"Whoa," she remarked.

The realmgạte brought them out inside a transparent dọme with a rocky, yellow planet on the outside of it. While the scenery looked strange, its strangeness paled in comparison to the world’s most prominent feature.

"Double whoa," Eeffee said.

"Whoa, whoa, whooooooooa!" added Itchi.

Unlike their home realm – or indeed any realm – an entire day passed by every six seconds. The sun shot across the sky like a firework; the stars trailing behind it like tossed glitter.

Selll’s mägickal hair struggled to keep up with the ambient colours around her. She ended up with yellow sides and a black top on which white dots flashed across.

This is weird, Grenny said. Even by the standards of things you find on the other side of mysterious portals.

I know, right! Eeffee chirruped. JUST IMAGINE THE SELFIE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE!

The wizard summoned her spybäll – a type of mägickal, floating eyeball that could take pictures. As soon as it materialised, a solid, black box formed around it. This box dropped to the floor with a thunk.

Hey! she complained. My spybäll!

Adis shook his head before looking at the others.

I had thought this would be obvious, but this is a secret location. Any unauthorised faër will be blocked in the manner you just witnessed.

Eeffee furrowed her brow.

How are people supposed to know I visited some super-secret stray-realm if I can’t make a recording of it?

Adis once more turned to the others.

Is she pulling my leg?

Their weary looks suggested not.

Fine, Eeffee sighed – doing her best to get over it.

She turned to look at Itchi, but the surroundings had mesmerised him. The goblin literally spun around to take it all in. Despite his many adventures, Itchi still got excited by new discoveries. He suspected this could be his biggest quest yet.

Not receiving any response forced Eeffee to think harder on their surroundings.

We’re in one of the stray-realms, right? she asked.[5]

Well observed, Adis said. But how could you tell?

Because it’s obvious? The days are passing at different speeds, so obviously time is speeding up and slowing down.

Are they? Grenny asked – looking up at the flashing sky.

Yeah, but only by like a second, the wizard explained. Did neither of you try counting? Am I the only one who pays attention to things?

Her comrades looked unimpressed. Adis seemed pleasantly surprised.

Very well observed, he repeated. Time is roughly stable now, but it can speed up, slow down, and reverse. One time it went diagonally. I would explain that further, but there is no way of describing it without experiencing it.

Everyone scrunched their faces as they tried to imagine diagonal time.

Did it feel sort of diagonalish? Selll asked.

Seeing Selll’s grin, Adis looked annoyed.

I suspect you are mocking a very important discovery. But yes, ‘diagonalish’ is the technical term.

Oh wow, maybe I’m a genius too?

Eeffee shook her head.

I thought these stray-realms were all theoretical? Grenny asked.

We are confident that the theory is correct at this point, Adis said – gesturing towards their surroundings.

They couldn’t really argue with that. None of them had expected to find themselves on the far frontier of theoretical sorcology so soon after saving the multiverse. Grenny had just planned on getting a kebab and a few tins of grog.

How are you managing to make time pass regularly in the dọme? Eeffee asked.

"And how can you tell that time is passing regularly?"

Because you wouldn’t have come here if you couldn’t protect yourself from time variances. What if it sped up so much that 100 years passed in a second? You’d be like one hundred and dead in an instant.

Grenny looked as concerned as Adis looked impressed.

So you’re saying we could be aged to death in a flash if something goes wrong with this dọme?

Oh yes, Adis answered. Or time could reverse you into a baby.

Grenny didn’t like the sound of that. Her mam had made her move out and get a job as soon as she turned sixteen; she couldn’t see her becoming a full time parent again now – not at her age.

And why do we need to be here? she asked.

I have something to show you. But first you must put these kaironaut suits on.

The realmgạte they’d come through had a control glỵph beside it. When Adis pressed the rụnes on it, a panel raised from the floor. A selection of baggy, yellow body suits hung below it.

What are these when they’re at home then? Grenny asked.

"Are you familiar