The Bagatelle of Amadeus Reinhardt

By Al X. Barbosa

What happens when you combine quirkiness, sightless desire and a false sense of cajolery? What, you don't know? Oh, if only there was a book that we could buy and find out...  (Was that too explicit or not implicit enough? Sorry, it is not my intention to pressure you. Go ahead, read the boring discription underneath first, so you can make a "conscious decision". I'll wait...take your time...no hurry...but remember, the story was meant for those who were meant to read it.)

It's about a man who cheated on his wife...there, are you happy?

Caution: If you don't like the book, it's because you read it wrong. Definitely not because of my literarily skills.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Al X. Barbosa
• Release date: Jun 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393294368

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

BECAUSE EVERY STORY NEEDS A BEGINNING

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Well, hello there...I will be your narrator throughout the story. I recommend you, while reading the narration, to imagine a deep sexy voice. It really helps to set the mood of the story. Besides, it's more fun that way (just make sure not to read it out loud when amongst other people, in order to avoid awkward moments. Plus, we don't want to freak people out. Or do we? Seriously, use a deep voice, it sounds so much better). Please save your questions until the end of the book. And yes, I will occasionally be making pointless comments that are unimportant to the story (like the one written between these brackets). Expect the unexpected (unless you are already expecting the unexpected. In that case, expect the expected because that way it would be unexpected). There will be ups and downs, twists and turns. To contempt it would be unwise (not to say rude), so hold on tight and enjoy the ride. (What can I say? I like big introductions and you have been warned.)

This is a story about three great warriors who are willing to risk it all in their quest to save the world. And when I say three great warriors who are willing to risk it all... I mean three nerdy teenagers with limited focus span, who have as much bravery as they have well-developed, shredded muscles (none). And by quest to save the world I mean crazy terror slash fantasy story to save their school.

The summer holidays were coming to an end and a new school year was about to begin. But to Edward and Christopher it was as if the holidays had just begun. They were along with their best friend Dexter the outcasts of the school. Nobody really took them seriously nor was there a reason to do so. They lived by the code of the slothful arts – always making jokes, goofing around, delivering essays past the deadline, waiting for the night before the test to study...and always marching to their own beat. It was hard not to regard them with low expectations. Nevertheless, they were good students as well as good friends. No matter what happened, they knew they would always have each other, although, in their heads, they were too cool to admit such a thing. What they didn't know was that their bond would be crucial to survive the upcoming school year.

'Why couldn't Dexter come?'  Edward asked Christopher.

They were at the skatepark showcasing their new tricks to one and other in a friendly competition. Edward was on a BMX bike whilst Christopher preferred the skateboard. It was one of their favourite hobbies, besides making a fool of themselves. It was the place to be when school was over or whenever they got bored at home.

'His mother took him shopping for school supply,' said Christopher attempting an ollie.

'School?' said Edward miserably. 'Is it September already...? I knew it was getting too cold to wear a sleeveless shirt,'

'I tried to tell you...' said Christopher in his sassy voice, 'but nooooo! Mr. sleeveless shirts are more attractive to girls,'

Unfortunately, there were no girls in the skatepark to feel attracted to his sleeveless shirt.  In fact, they were the only two people there. It wasn't a common thing to happen. Very often there would be other teenagers, whether skateboarding, smoking psychoactive substances, or making fun of them for their lacking skateboarding skills.

'Why didn't he tell us? ‘said Edward, resting on the seat of his bike.

'Well... he did,' said Christopher, again with his sassiness. 'And he texted us. But you were too busy talking about your hot front door neighbour who takes her clothes off with her window curtains open. What's her deal anyway? Is she doing it on purpose? Needy woman craving for attention,'

'She has a name you know,' said Edward, trying to, somewhat, defend the girl's honor and shame Christopher.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' said Christopher sarcastically. 'So, what's her name?'

'I didn't say I knew what it was,'

'I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to listen to your friends once in a while instead of stalking your neighbour.'

'It's not stalking! It just happens to be there, like a reality show. What was I supposed to do? I got bored looking at your window,'

Christopher lived right next to Edward while Dexter lived in the house behind them.

'What do you mean?' said Christopher, slowly realizing what Edward had just said.

'It's pretty late, we should probably go...' said Edward quickly, averting the genesis of an uncomfortable conversation.

The sun was coming down and they still had the hassle of walking home. Despite being a relatively short walk home, the night was beginning to set and both of them weren't ashamed of showing their fear, or rational concern, as they called it, of the night-time. Also, it didn’t help the weekly speeches their mothers would give them about the dangers of walking alone at night. From pedophiles to kidnappers to a thousand ways to die, they heard it all. 

It was cold and windy, as they began the journey back home. The trees of the neighbourhood would rattle every time the wind blew, being the only sound of the night. The roads were empty and the street lights were off, emphasizing the sinisterness of what would come to be a fateful night.

As a way to keep their minds off spooky thoughts, enhanced by their surroundings, they started singing Björk, spontaneously triggered by Christopher's comment, 'It's oh so quiet...'.

'... it's oh so still,'

'You're all alone,'

'And so peaceful until,'

'You fall in love, zing boom,'

'The sky, up above, zing boom,'

'Is caving in, WOW BAM...'

They were singing from the top of their lungs with a Broadway interpretation, dancing while moving along – as if that would create a safety bubble around them. It seemed to be working. They were so distracted, they barely noticed the green light flashing out of the groundskeeper's cabin.

The worst thing about walking home at night was having to pass the school's old playground – the creepiest but fastest way to get home. It worked as a checkpoint between the skatepark and their houses. Hardly a playground anymore, more like the perfect scenario for a horror movie: the squeaky sound of the rusty swings, the degraded play house slide with subliminal messages, the garden dwarfs staring with crazy eyes...were just an appetizer. For as long as they could remember, they had heard stories about a little girl who’d died in that same spot, reason why it was decided to close the playground. Some say she was the groundskeeper's daughter, others say he was the one who killed the little girl, and others claim both. (Oh! And did I forget to mention?) The groundskeeper lived there in his crooked wooden cabin. Crazy but charming man in a Cillian Murphy kind of way. He was as mysterious as one could be ‒ nobody knew his name or story, the only thing that was known about him was that he would often wear Crocs, and had most recently acquired a pet, a black cockatoo named Marilyn (do I need to say more? How mad is that? Wearing Crocs?!). He looked like a washed-up rock star with scruffy long hair, untrimmed beard, smoky skin and utterly beautiful green eyes (but enough about that. Back to the green light...).

'What was that?' said Christopher.

'What?'

'Look,' said Christopher, pointing at the groundskeeper's cabin, however, the flashing green light had disappeared. 'Didn't you see?'

'See what?'

'The green light,'

'What green light?' said Edward even more confused.

Christopher dragged Edward to a bush near the chain-link fence that enclosed the old playground. Edward rested his bike against his shoulder, as they squatted down to observe.

'The green light flashing out of the groundskeeper's cabin,' said Christopher getting agitated.

'No dude. What about it?'

'What about it?' said Christopher, surprised by Edward's indifference. 'Don't you think it's sketchy?'

'Yeah...But so is the cafeteria food, but that doesn't mean I want to open a private investigation on it,' said Edward, unbothered. 'Perhaps, he's watching a movie and what you saw were the TV lights,'

‘What kind of movie would he be watching?'

'I don't know... The Incredible Hulk, Green Hornet, Green Lantern, Flubber...'

'Doubt it,'

'Maybe he has a date and they are playing laser tag,'

'A date?' said Christopher skeptically. 'And bring her here? What's next, he's gonna take her to the graveyard to fool around?'

'Yeah! She could be a goth or a groundskeeper lady from another school. Listen, can't we go?'

Another green light flashed from the cabin, this time followed by smoke and sparks, impossible for them to miss it. The cabin door opened and a silhouette of a man stood against the fading green light. The man walked out of the cabin and went to the wooden shed next to it, a smaller version of the cabin, essentially.

'Let's go dude, we have no business knowing what he's doing,'

'Wait a second, let me take a picture,' said Christopher, taking out his phone.

'No, let's gooooo...'

Edward grabbed Christopher's arm and started pulling.

'Okay! I'm just trying to...'

Edward pulled again, not allowing Christopher to keep his camera phone steady enough time to take a clear picture.

'Come on...' grunted Edward, endeavouring to take the phone off Christopher's hands.

‘Give me a sec..."

Edward wasn’t quitting, he was determined to break his friend's grip. To him, it wasn’t a matter of getting home before dinner anymore, it was a matter of pride, of who was the fittest.

Because Edward kept sabotaging the pictures, a grappling match between them broke out.

'It's just a picture dude...leave me!'

'No, let's go home!'

Instinctively, Christopher started pressing random buttons on his phone. Before he knew it, the camera phone began clicking, capturing picture after picture. The problem, though, was that Christopher didn't turn off its camera-flash. Every time a snapshot was taken, it looked as if a lightning had struck down. Yet, that wasn't the most awkward moment. When Christopher finally got a hold of his phone, he noticed that the man from the cabin was staring in their direction. Edward and Christopher looked at each other and unshackled the most girlish scream of their lives.

'AAAAAHHH...'

They ran as fast as their skinny jeans would let them, a task even harder when carrying a skateboard and a BMX bike.

'I told you man! We should've minded our own business!' gasped Edward.

'I'm sorry! You think he saw us?'

'Not only do I think he saw us, I also think you’ve blinded ALL THE WOODLAND CREATURES OF THE AREA!’

Never had they made their route back home this quickly. They raced through the empty streets of the neighbourhood, the street lights finally on, crossing every shortcut they knew – as they battled their unforgiving imagination that would turn the simplest garden into a demonic parade of ghouls longing to put an end to their life – only stopping when they had reached their home avenue, Rawcklo´s Ave.

'I think we can walk the rest of the way home...' said Christopher, breathing heavily.

'I agree...' said Edward, also out of breath, leaning on the avenue post.

And so they did, trod the familiar path home. A mouth-watering smell was knocking on their nostrils door as they walked past several houses, reminding them how hungry they were. Dinner time was close and nothing like their mother's cooking to comfort their stomach, especially after a hair-raising experience, which only made them want to eat more (one of the reasons of their physical ineptitude). 

'We should probably forget that this happened,' said Christopher, reaching his driveway.

'Yeah...unless he comes back as an axe murderer,'

They both laughed with a touch of concern about the possibility of the groundskeeper being a serial killer. (Was that a hint? I guess we have to read more.)

They said their farewells and wished a goodnight to each other, finalizing the social etiquette with a secret handshake.

CHAPTER TWO

THE NEW HEADMISTRESS

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The first day of school at St.Blanchett's had arrived and our heroes were already late! Woken by their mothers' signature screams, Get out of BED!, You'll miss the bus!  and Don't make me go up there!, they got up and began their time-saving protocol, which implies certain steps. Step one: accomplish bathroom routine – don't get fancy, it's all about cleansing and relieving. Take a shower while brushing your teeth. Not only are you contributing to the maintenance of your personal hygiene, you are also helping the planet by saving water. Does it get any better than this? The answer is yes. Again, it's all about cleansing and relieving. If you find yourself in desperate need to save time, take the showering opportunity to evacuate your bladder, but not your bowels, that task must always be shared with one's trusty toilet; step two: get dressed, no need for superfluous ponderation. Our heroes would always wear the same clothes almost as if they were cartoon characters, hence not wasting time choosing what to wear. Dexter would use his hipster seeing glasses, wearing a red and black plaid flannel shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. Christopher would wear a black T-shirt, a black jumper, whenever it was cold, and a pair of black skinny jeans.  And Edward liked to don T-shirts with colourful patterns or rock band logos, in combination, of course, with skinny jeans (millennials...you can't tell, but I'm shaking my head in disapproval); step three: preparing your breakfast – just have a bowl of whatever cereals your mother bought, or just pour the milk right inside the cereal box, that way you don't have to wash dishes; finally, casually say with a saddened tone,  Ohhhhh...I don't think I'm gonna make it to school on time, so that your overly responsible and protective mother will go, Alright! I'll drive you... But only this time, which actually means until the next time it happens. These steps were followed religiously with great success – they found themselves sitting in the Mothermobile.

On that day, it was Christopher's mom, Stacey, who would