The royal hothouse and other plays

By Rastislav Durman

1: The person known as Lord realized that trading in descendants from overthrown dynasties could be a lucrative business model. He manages to develop the idea, but suddenly, his wards start dying, one by one, endangering not only the Lord’s career, but his life as well.
2: In only two days’ time, three maternity hospitals were closed – the first went up in flames, the second one had a water distribution system failure, and the third one was closed due to financial difficulties. The only remaining maternity hospital in town is overloaded. Sarah, who is “just” a supermarket cashier, arrives to the VIP room. At the same time and in the same place (but in a different dimension), the fetuses from the VIP room are not happy with the country in which they are supposed to spend their future, and they are definitely not happy with their future mothers.
3: Adam is an ambitious businessman who takes the modern-time motto “time is money” seriously. He is under a lot of pressure and he is trying to speed everything up, and at some point, he somehow manages to slip through time and find himself in a world where “meantime” is the fourth dimension.
4: Three souls in the afterlife end up in the wrong place – Leon is a Christian, and after he died, he didn't go to Hell but to Hellenic Hades. Acastus is from ancient Greece and he should have gone to Hades, but the Valkyries accidentally took him to Valhalla, instead of Bjorn, a Norwegian Viking who ended up in Paradise.
And that’s not all!

• Language: English
• Publisher: DOO Media Art Content
• Release date: Jun 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9788685832406

Book preview

Rastislav Durman

THE ROYAL HOTHOUSE

AND OTHER PLAYS

ISBN: 978-86-85832-40-6

© 2020 Rastislav Durman

© 2020 for E-book Media Art Content Ltd, Novi Sad, Serbia

[e-mail]

Translated by

James Shuterland Smith, Suzi McClear, Michalel Fronczak,

Sonja Savić Vezmar, Milica Jovanović

Cover page by MAC

Photography Solo Shutter

THE ROYAL HOTHOUSE

Comedy Pretending to be a Thriller

CHARACTERS IN PLAY:

LORD

JOHN, Butler

WHITE KING (55)

BLACK KING (39)

BLACK QUEEN (more than 55)

KING OF SPADES (60)

KING OF CLUBS (31)

KING OF DIAMONDS (42)

KING OF HEARTS (21)

QUEEN OF HEARTS (less than 18)

HAMLET’S FATHER’S GHOST which couldn’t be seen, smelt, heard or detected in any other way but his absence from the play can’t be proved

CUSTOMER (age and gender to be determined by the director)

OLD DETECTIVE

YOUNG DETECTIVE

VOICE OF COMMANDO

SERVANTS

DAY ONE

SCENE 1: PEANUT BUTTER OR WOODY ALLAN’S NEW MOVIE

Lord’s castle, in a room which is both a library and the salon in the same time. It is decorated decently with some charm and discreet luxury. On the left side two chairs, a sofa and the tea table dominates. Books cover almost all of the walls left and back. On the wall right there are pictures connected with royal traditions (coronation of Napoleon, coronation of George V, coronation Louis VII and Blanca etc.). There is an old wall clock near the pictures. Above center stage is a big chandelier. When lights come up we see KING OF SPADES; he pours brandy from a big bottle to a hip flask. He puts the hip flask in his pocket, drinks from the bottle and then hides the bottle behind books in library. As he is leaving the room he meets SERVANT. SERVANT bows and starts to clean dust from books. LORD enters from left side. He has some papers in his hand and tries to find something. JOHN is with LORD with a few files in his hand. He gives a sign to servant to go. LORD sits in the chair and reads; JOHN is standing near the chair. After a few seconds LORD gives papers to JOHN who puts them in one file. LORD is tired; he massages his forehead with his thumb and forefinger.

LORD: OK, John, we can be satisfied with Romania. What’s next? Serbia, isn’t it? What do we have in Serbia?

JOHN: I am afraid …

LORD: I know! Those Serbs can’t live without bullshit!

JOHN: I did my best, Sir.

LORD: It means nothing. God also did his best, but see how the world we are living in looks.

JOHN: If I may say, Sir, it isn’t hopeless.

LORD: I appreciate your efforts to console me, but I know that it is hopeless. My grandfather’s mother was Serb. I have it in my genes.

JOHN: I had our mission on my mind, Sir.

LORD: Of course. So, what do we have in Serbia?

JOHN: We have one descendant of the Brankovic dynasty, Sir.

LORD: I suppose that you checked it?

JOHN: Of course, Sir. Analysis confirmed the same chromosome structure in the

sample we took from the descendant and the sample we stole from the grave.

LORD: Very good, John, but only if we can’t find anything better. That Brankovic dynasty is only second-hand quality. They were not kings but only despots, to say nothing about their poor contribution to national history. In fact, all they did was run away from the Turks. Besides, there are rumors that Wolf, the founder of the dynasty, was connected with betrayal and thus guilty of the catastrophic result of the Kosovo battle…

JOHN: Do you think that we would be in better position if we work with Obrenovic dynasty, Sir?

LORD: Well, Obrenovic dynasty brand is better than that of the Brankovic dynasty, but, on the other hand, Prince Milos and King Milan were such womanizers nobody knows how many of their decedents are wondering around. Enough to fill Lichtenstein, I believe. No, John, we can deal with a few pretenders, but more than five is risky business.

JOHN: What do you suggest, Sir?

LORD: Find me a descendent of the Nemanjic dynasty, John. I am increasing the budget for that operation. Do you know what we can do with a brand new Nemanjic?

JOHN: I can assume, Sir.

LORD: No, John, you can’t. All of Serbia will follow an authentic Nemanjic. The dynasty is so strong that recent pretenders would have no other choice than to remove themselve and give way to the big boys. Even left orientated political parties could only sing L'Internationale and nothing else.

JOHN: Yes, Sir.

LORD: What do we have next?

JOHN: Slovakia, Sir.

LORD: Another pain in the ass, John. Those Slovaks weren’t able to establish their own dynasty in a thousand year period and now I have to find for them an heir to the throne by tomorrow. Ok, see what you can do with Pribin. Mojmir drove him away from Nitra in 833, but he didn’t castrate him.

Sound of new SMS on cell phone. JOHN is taking his cell phone from pocket.

JOHN: It is our man in Croatia, Sir.

LORD: What does he want?

JOHN: He has found some new facts about the conflict between Miroslav and Kresimir II before year 949.

LORD: Any details?

JOHN: He sent it by E-mail, Sir. Also, he asks for further instructions as soon as possible.

LORD rises from chair.

LORD: OK, I will to see it... It seems that I was a monster in my previous life so now I am punished with clients such as Croatia. It is pity that America had no kings. I would be millionaire..

JOHN: I might remind you that America had kings and some of them were made of more solid material than the European, African and Asian dynasties we are working with, Sir.

LORD: I agree, John. Motecuhzoma was a brilliant ruler, but who will buy it? Aztecs market doesn’t exist. I bet more than half of Americans think that Axayacatl is new brand of peanut butter. Another half believes that it is title of one of Woody Allen's movies... No, John, we shouldn’t loose contact with reality. I agree that Ramses was more of a king than all German dynasties together, but old Egypt doesn’t exist anymore. Germans exist and, what is more important, they have money. So, we will not waste our time with old Egypt, but we will do our best to satisfy our German customers.

JOHN: Isn’t it sad, Sir? As Byzant is...

LORD: Good example, John, very good example. When you think about the Byzantines, you see millions of business opportunities generated from more than a thousand years of brilliant history. But when you start to calculate, you see that nobody cares about the Byzantine Empire. Who would like to posses an heir to the Byzantine throne?

JOHN: On the other hand, Sir, if you agree...

LORD: I can agree with everything you say, but such a fellow would only occupy somebody’s place in stock for nothing and generate unnecessary expenses. OK, let’s see what we have in the mail from Croatia...

From the right side is coming KING OF SPADES. KING OF SPADES is semi-drunk.

LORD: May I wish a good afternoon to Your Majesty?

KING OF SPADES: You have our permission, Lord.

LORD: Good afternoon, Your Majesty.

KING OF SPADES: Hi... And what is happening with you?

JOHN: Good afternoon, Your Majesty...

KING OF SPADES: We had not afternoon on our mind; we were expecting you to bring us something to drink. You will join us, Lord?

LORD: Your wish is my command, Your Majesty. John.

KING OF SPADES: Double for us, John.

JOHN: Yes, Your Majesty.

JOHN leaves.

LORD: Would you excuse me for a minute, Your Majesty?

KING OF SPADES: If you don’t return in five minutes, you will be beheading.

LORD leaves too. KING OF SPADES is alone. He takes a hip flask from his pocket and wants to drink, but the hip flask is empty.Then he wants to take the bottle from the hiding place behind the books, but in that moment KING OF DIAMONDS arrives along with SERVANT who take his luggage.

SCENE 2: BLUE AS RED SEA

SERVANT: I will take your luggage to your apartment, Your majesty.

KING OF DIAMONDS: Ok, boy, just do your job...

SERVANT takes luggage and leaves. KINGS observe each other.

KING OF SPADES: Fresh royal blood?

KING OF DIAMONDS: Blue as the Red Sea.

KING OF SPADES: Welcome, colleague.

KING OF DIAMONDS: You are also a king?

KING OF SPADES: Technically, I’m the only potential heir of the throne, but they treat us as kings to get used to the position.

KING OF DIAMONDS: It’s interesting.

KING OF SPADES: We are all majesties here, besides Lord, our trainers and the servants. Should we have a drink?

KING OF DIAMONDS: I don’t know, isn’t it to early for a drink?

KING OF SPADES: Perhaps for you, I wouldn’t complicate international relations and make life more complex just for a few hours up or down.

KING OF DIAMONDS: If you say so.

KING OF SPADES (clapping his shoulders): That’s the spirit! We like you! It is good to be in good relations with any majesty because our dynasty does not care too much for diplomacy mumbo jumbo like that. If we like somebody, we will do everything for him, but if not, our troops will attack without declaration of war.

LORD arrives and deliberately coughs. It is a long and artificial cough.

KING OF SPADES: See, Lord, we told you a hundred times not to put so many ice cubes in your whiskey, but you are too stubborn to accept advice and we are speaking about two bad consequences now, botha diluted drink and a sore throat.

LORD: I ask Your Majesty for forgiveness, but Your Majesty knows that house rules do not accept the threat of war as a topic for conversation.

KING OF SPADES: See, colleague, since the Magna Carta we are faced with constant limitations on our sovereignty. I have said many times that John Lackland was not a king but an asshole... And where is recent asshole John with our drink?

LORD: I noted that the weather is nice and I felt free to order John to serve us drinks on terrace.

KING OF SPADES: After two double drinks any weather is nice, Lord, there is no need to go outside.

KING OF SPADES is leaving.

LORD: I hope that Your Majesty had a nice flight.

KING OF DIAMONDS: Long, but pleasant enough.

LORD: I believe...

Sound of new SMS on cell phone interrupts him. LORD takes his cell phone phone from his pocket.

LORD: Excuse me, Your Majesty...

LORD reads message. It is obviously something bad.

LORD: I am sorry, Your Majesty, but... Your Majesty must be tired from your flight. Please get some rest, refresh yourself and I will be free to join you latter.

KING OF DIAMONDS: I am not so tired...

LORD: Your Majesty is showing brilliant spirit, but there is no need to...

LORD is ringing and one of servants is coming.

LORD: Boy, show His Majesty where his apartment is...

KING OF DIAMONDS: You are boss...

KING OF DIAMONDS and SERVANT are leaving. They meet BLACK QUEEN.

BLACK QUEEN: Sorry to disturb you, my Lord, I am just passing by. Black King asked me to read him his future from my cards, but the Queen of Hearts hide the knave of spades and two of clubs to avoid bad luck. I have to find them…

BLACK QUEEN is looking for cards among books.

BLACK QUEEN: I shouldn’t have told her what the knave of spades and two of clubs mean in fortune telling…

LORD: Your Majesty should use the royal plural when she is talking…

BLACK QUEEN: We know, my Lord, but we forget when we pay no attention…

In this moment JOHN brings in CUSTOMER and KING OF CLUBS.

JOHN: His Majesty King of Clubs, her Excellency…

CUSTOMER: Shut up, you jester…

BLACK QUEEN is putting the book back in library and leaves.

BLACK QUEEN: We will find those cards latter…

KING OF CLUBS: My Lord, we strongly protest against the prime minister and his

camarilla because of their way of treating me in such a sans-culottes manner.

LORD: John, please take him away from my sight, I can’t look at him… (To Customer).

Take a sit, please. Cigar?

JOHN is taking KING OF CLUBS away. CUSTOMER sits and takes cigar from box on table.

LORD: Should we have a drink?

CUSTOMER: Double one. I would have a cognac, you better take a poison.

LORD rings a bell. SERVANT will discreetly serve them and leave when JOHN comes back.

LORD: What was the problem?

CUSTOMER: You didn’t read the newspaper, or watch TV?

LORD: I do, but mostly National Geographic.

CUSTOMER: Why are you pretending that you don’t understand what I am talking about? Didn’t you know that your product had imagined that he would be a ruler? It was not enough for him to sit on the throne and receive two million per year, but he wanted power. Didn’t you hear the speech he made in Parliament?

LORD: Archimedes! Every ass immersed on a throne displaces equal weight of brain.

CUSTOMER: Bullshit! You are mocking, Lord, but we were barely able to avoid a war.

LORD: I know, but it is your third reclamation this year. King of Clubs is the third sovereign which you are returning as an error. I have the impression that you simply don’t know how to maintain kings.

CUSTOMER: And I have the impression that you didn’t do your job and that you are delivering semi-finished goods. You didn’t finish your job with King of Cubes, neither with his uncles.

LORD: Fatigue.

CUSTOMER: What do you mean with fatigue?

LORD: The dynasty is more than a thousand years old, they were familiar with incest and it is normal that genes became a little bit thinner. We can’t make silk from a pig’s ear or jumbo jet from the bat, even with the most sophisticated technology. We can’t dream about supersonic speed, we should be happy if it takes off and lands in one piece.

CUSTOMER: Really? Then why did we pay the price of a space shuttle?

LORD: I was trying to explain it in a plastic way.

CUSTOMER: I prefer more constructive approach.

LORD: Should we try another model? Between the fourteenth and sixteenth century you had another dynasty and I maybe could try...

CUSTOMER: Out of question. We built our political platform on one certain dynasty from very beginning. We can’t turn our coat now when we were crying that only the dynasty of Clubs could save the country from the thousand years curse.

LORD: What do you suggest?

CUSTOMER: Repair the idiot. ... Do what ever you want, but I expect him usable in six weeks. Usable in the way expected by people who paid in advance. By the way, we are speaking about the same people who had another plan how to grab our mineral resources before you proposed to them this allegedly less expensive and more efficient plan.

LORD: Well, six weeks...

CUSTOMER: According to our tradition, six weeks is the period in which a future king should spend in spiritual preparations for the throne. In six weeks he should exit from isolation and tell us that he is ready to accept the burden of a ruler’s responsibility. Otherwise, we will have a big problem.

LORD: I see...

CUSTOMER: Good, because we would be forced to share our problem with you, my friend. We are