Birds, Bees, and Me: Songs of Praise and Lament by a Gay Christian

By Collin Brice and Trey Celaya

As does the soul of a gay, celibate Christian, the book Birds, Bees, and Me makes its home at the junction of spirituality and sexuality. From adolescence on, navigating the confusion of these topics with the ambiguity of a queer sort of Christianity is both awkward and heart-wrenchingly lonely. Birds, Bees, and Me is here to provide snapshots throughout the journey of one Christian boy who found himself exclusively attracted to other men. The narrative moves forward and backward through the speaker's life in order to paint a picture of the shattered pieces of himself that must be picked up throughout the years. Suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and self-hatred all ensue cyclically with each new discovery and paradigm shift as the author begins to chase after intimacy, identity, and sexuality in ways that his faith had previously restricted. But with each step there is also an invigorated readiness which braces for the cold, misunderstanding world that he and his sexuality must learn to flourish in.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Resource Publications
• Release date: May 8, 2020
• ISBN: 9781725263727

Collin Brice

Collin Brice works as a speech-language pathologist in Beaumont, Texas. This is his first published piece.

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Birds, Bees, and Me

Songs of Praise and Lament by a Gay Christian

Collin Brice

Foreword by Trey Celaya

Birds, Bees, and Me

Songs of Praise and Lament by a Gay Christian

Copyright ©

2020

Author Name. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers,

199

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8

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©

2005

Sara Groves Music (admin. by Music Services)/Brown-Eyed Blonde Music/Vistaville Music. All Rights Reserved. ASCAP

Resource Publications

An Imprint of Wipf and Stock Publishers

199

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8

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Eugene, OR

97401

www.wipfandstock.com

paperback isbn: 978-1-7252-6378-9

hardcover isbn: 978-1-7252-6371-0

ebook isbn: 978-1-7252-6372-7

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

03/20/20

Table of Contents

Title Page

Foreword by Trey Celaya

Preface

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Final Thoughts

Foreword

W

hen I met Collin,

I noticed pretty quickly that he was different, but perhaps in a way that only a few pick up on. His mannerisms, his inflection, the way his walk looked more like a glide as he floated through a room, his torso perfectly straight. His curly, unkempt hair gave the impression that he never knew quite how to make it look presentable, and he was just trying his best.

Nonetheless, he knew how to blend in well despite his oddities, and he was possibly the most hospitable and gifted host I’ve ever witnessed, always gracefully manipulating people into being his friend. It starts by meeting them, then he reaches out on social media, gets their number, and invites them to either a tennis match, an intimate gathering at his home, or a one-on-one dinner if he gets the impression that they’re a decently warm person. I think he particularly likes the challenge of getting shy types to open up to him. That’s what he did with me, anyway.

I met him at a friend’s house, and before I knew it, he was inviting me to come play video games and getting me to open up about my darkest secrets and deepest insecurities. I was willing to do that though, because I felt safe with him. I suppose he sensed that he could feel safe with me as well, because he told me his secrets not long after. Being entrusted with those secrets came with the responsibility of playing a particular role in his life, a level of dependability. I signed myself up to be his Advocate. To be present when no one else would, when he didn’t know how to be there for himself. To be someone that saw him as he sincerely was. To be someone that knew.

I can remember the feeling of answering a call from him on several occasions, always at night, always at the same hiking trail. Before I could say hello, or sometimes, What’s up Big Stinky Daddy? (a term of endearment) I could hear crying on the other end. It usually took him at least

20

seconds to even say my name. The sobs could almost be mistaken for uncontrollable laughter — the same vulnerability as always, the same shamelessness. But the grief was palpable and uncomfortable.

On my end, there was always a striking tension of helplessness and obligation. I was often frustrated that I didn’t feel I had the mental or emotional capacity to be present for him. Getting a call like this meant I had to drop whatever I was doing and drive almost

30

minutes to the hiking trail, and sit in his car. He sobbed uncontrollably for a while, making my shirt well acquainted with his snot and tears. Before we parted ways, I’d make sure he was calm enough to go home and sleep—probably due to exhaustion more than having found a sense of peace. And then I would drive home, feeling exhausted myself.

After a few nights like these, I learned to simply say, I’m on my way as soon as I could tell he needed me. Sometimes I knew before I even answered the phone.

But I would always go. When I pulled up to the dark trail, under the whisper of the trees, his car was usually the only one in the parking lot. He drives a Prius, making the stereotype of gay guy driving a Prius one of the only gay stereotypes he actually fits (besides really enjoying musicals). Occasionally, there would be another car in the parking lot opposite from us.

He told me once that kids would go there often to fornicate in their cars. How odd that a couple would sneak over to the same trail to have raunchy sex, and across the parking lot, someone was there alongside them, crying alone because he would never know that same intimacy with another person. I’m sure there’s a metaphor there, somewhere.

As I approached, I could hear his muffled crying becoming louder. Intimidated, I would take a breath and say a quick, silent prayer, trying to muster the courage to step in. It felt so unnatural to act as someone’s support. I often thought: I’m ill-equipped for this, to say the least. Is there such a thing as empathy training? Are there any courses I can sign up for? I would open his car door and sit in the passenger seat. He would desperately slump over the console and hold me tightly like he had been lost in an abyss for days, and I was the first real thing he could cling to. The only piece of driftwood in an open sea. The only light at the end of a very grim and ordinary weekday.

When I pick up a book, I’m looking for a stretch of the imagination. I’m looking to escape and get lost in exuberant stories and landscapes that I would frankly rather live in than my own world. I want fantasy and everything magical that comes with it. Yet, the words in this book, however poignant or seemingly exaggerated, are not at all far from the truth. His world is just as hopeful and desperate and beautiful and sad as is stated. You may very well know that to be true from your own experience.

To immerse yourself in these pages is to immerse yourself in the world of another. It is to grab the hand of someone who will lead you through a painfully honest experience. But I expect that as you take this leap of faith, as you risk your worldview becoming