A Road Too Short for the Long Journey: Reflections and Resources to Support Grieving People

By Kevin S. Reimer

The inevitability of death in our broken world means that grief and mourning are a normal part of the human experience. Too often, though, this normal journey of grief is cut short by a culture intent on pretending bad things don't really happen. In A Road Too Short for the Long Journey, readers are invited to consider how we might travel this road of mourning with those who grieve and how we might join them as partners in a reorientation of the world experienced through loss.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pickwick Publications
• Release date: Feb 4, 2019
• ISBN: 9781532632150

Kevin S. Reimer

Kevin S. Reimer (PhD, Fuller School of Psychology) is a program administrator and faculty member in the School of Education, University of California, Irvine. Reimer completed postdoctoral fellowships at the University of British Columbia and Oxford.

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A Road Too Short for the Long Journey

Reflections and Resources to Support Grieving People

Edited by Quentin P. Kinnison

Foreword by Kevin S. Reimer

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A ROAD TOO SHORT FOR THE LONG JOURNEY

Reflections and Resources to Support Grieving People

Copyright ©

2019

Wipf and Stock Publishers. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers,

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Pickwick Publications

An Imprint of Wipf and Stock Publishers

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97401

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paperback isbn: 978

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hardcover isbn: 978

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ebook isbn: 978

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Cataloging-in-Publication data:

Names: Kinnison, Quentin P., editor. | Reimer, Kevin S., foreword writer

Title: A road too short for the long journey : reflections and resources to support grieving people / edited by Quentin P. Kinnison, with a foreword by Kevin S. Reimer.

Description: Eugene, OR : Pickwick Publications,

2019

|  Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: ISBN

978

-

1

-

5326

-

3214

-

3

(paperback) | ISBN

978

-

1

-

5326

-

3216

-

7

(hardcover) | ISBN

978

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1

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5326

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3215

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0

(ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Grief. | Bereavement. | Pastoral care. | Pastoral theology. | Church work with the bereaved. | Death.

Classification: LCC BV

4330

K

566

2019

(print) | LCC BV

4330

(ebook)

Manufactured in the U.S.A.

May 22, 2019

Table of Contents

Title Page

Permissions

Contributors

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

Part One: The Long and Short

Chapter 1: The Journey Is Long

Chapter 2: The Road is Short

Part Two: Stories from the Road

Chapter 3: Stories Help Us Travel

Part Three: ompanions for the Journey

Chapter 4: A Theological Companion for the Spiritual Self

Chapter 5: A Physiological Companion for the Physical Self

Chapter 6: A Psychological Companion for the Emotional Self

Chapter 7: A Sociological Companion for the Social Self

Part Four: Paving the Path

Chapter 8: Paving the Path: A Message to Pastors and the Church

Chapter 9: Paving the Path: A Pastor's Response

Appendix A: Grief and the DSM-5

Appendix B: Celebrating Our Parents; Mourning Our Losses

Appendix C: Resource List

For all who mourn and in honor of the loved ones we miss, those named and unnamed.

Now Elimelek, Naomi’s husband, died, and she was left with her two sons. They married Moabite women, one named Orpah and the other Ruth. After they had lived there about ten years, both Mahlon and Kilion also died, and Naomi was left without her two sons and her husband.

When Naomi heard in Moab that the LORD had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, she and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah.

Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the LORD show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me. May the LORD grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.

Then she kissed them goodbye and they wept aloud and said to her, We will go back with you to your people.

But Naomi said, Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons—would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the LORD’s hand has turned against me!

At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her.

Look, said Naomi, your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.

But Ruth replied, Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me. When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.

So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem.

Ruth 1:3-19a NIV

Mourn with those who mourn . . .

Rom 12:15b NIV

Jesus wept.

John 11:35 NIV

Permissions

Scriptures marked KJV are taken from the KING JAMES VERSION (KJV): KING JAMES VERSION, public domain.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1 contains the song Hamba nathi (Come walk with us). South African traditional, Hamba nathi (Come walk with us), translated by Gerhard Cartford, in Sing the Journey: Hymnal (Harrisburg, VA: Herald, 2005); copyright owned by Lutheran World Foundation. It is used here with permission.

In chapter 3, the story Entering into Grief was also published on the blog Kingsview & Co.: Larry Dunn, Losing Seth, Part 1: Forever Kingsview & Co. Blog (August 1, 2015), http://www.cascadiapublishinghouse.com/KingsviewCo/?p=474 (accessed June 18, 2018).; Larry Dunn, Losing Seth, Part 2: In the Heart of God Kingsview & Co. Blog (August 9, 2015), http://www.cascadiapublishinghouse.com/KingsviewCo/?p=486 (accessed June 18, 2018). It is used here with permission.

Appendix B, Celebrating Our Parents, Mourning Our Losses, was originally published in the Christian Leader, a bi-monthly publication of the U.S. Conference of Mennonite Brethren Churches: Quentin P. Kinnison, Celebrating Our Parents, Mourning Our Losses, Christian Leader, April 1, 2014, http://www.usmb.org/celebrating-parents-mourning-losses (accessed June 18, 2018). It is used here with permission.

Cover Art Permission

Ruth & Naomi by artist He Qi. He Qi ©2014 All Rights Reserved. www.heqiart.com. It is used here with permission.

Contributors

Esther Klassen-Isaak, LMFT, is a Marriage & Family Therapist/Psychotherapist in Fresno, CA. Esther is a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Her writing is informed both by her expertise as a professional and her personal experience.

Kathleen Cromwell, MSW, LCSW, CT is the Director of the Center for Grief & Healing and Angel Babies at Hinds Hospice in Fresno, CA. She is on the Advisory Board for Survivors of Suicide and is on faculty at California State University, Fresno. Kathy is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), California Hospice and Palliative Care Association, and of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists.

Contributors to Stories Help Us Travel

• Larry A. Dunn—a father reflecting on grieving for his son.

• Stacy Hammons—a daughter reflecting on the long-term grief of her father’s Alzheimer’s

• Eric Olson—a husband and father reflecting on his experience of grieving with his kids.

• Lisa Vernon—a daughter reflecting on grieving her father’s suicide.

• Collin Tally—a brother reflecting on grieving his brother’s death.

• Paul Kinnison—a father reflecting on ways to remember his daughter.

• Greg Lankford—a husband reflecting on infertility.

• Laura Schmidt Roberts—a daughter reflecting on grieving while carrying a legacy.

• Connie McNeely—a wife reflecting on her husband death.

• Tim Neufeld—a husband and father reflecting on an automobile accident with fatalities.

• Jay Pope—a son reflecting on his mother’s death when he was a child.

• Aaron Wiens—a father reflecting on responses to his infant son’s death.

Lisa Vernon, MDiv, is the former Director of Spiritual Services for Hinds Hospice in Fresno, CA and is currently Chaplain at Sutter Care at Home in Santa Rosa, CA. Rev. Vernon is an ordained minister in the American Baptist Church. Her writing is informed by her theological training as well as her personal and professional experience.

Norma Kinnison, RN, BSN, is a retired nurse in hospice, home health, and numerous school and hospital settings. She has over forty years of nursing experience with people who have experienced a variety of loss in addition to her own personal experiences of loss, all of which inform her writing.

Jay Pope, PhD, MA, MS, is Associate Professor of Psychology at Fresno Pacific University since 2005 and a clinical generalist, seeing clients from many walks of life. He feels especially called to serve those who work in church, ministerial, and organizational settings. His work and personal experience inform his writing.

Brad Christerson, PhD, MA, is Professor of Sociology at Biola University since 1997, where he researches and teaches on a variety of sociological issues, including death and dying. His writing is shaped by that research as well as his own personal experience with grief.

Ronald L. Hornecker, DMin, MDiv, is a certified Fellow by the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and the Minister of Counseling at First Baptist Church Sun City West, Arizona. Prior to that he pastored churches in northwest Missouri, served on the faculty of Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary, and was an on-call staff member of the Lloyd Center Pastoral Counseling Center.

James Bergen, MDiv, is licensed pastor for twenty-five years with the Mennonite Brethren in both Canada and the U.S.A., serving as Lead Pastor for the past eighteen years—five years at Peace Arch Fellowship in White Rock, BC, Canada and the past thirteen years in his current role at North Fresno MB Church in Fresno, CA.

Quentin P. Kinnison, PhD, MDiv, editor, is Associate Professor of Christian Ministry since 2008 and the Chairperson of the Biblical and Religious Studies Division at Fresno Pacific University. He is also licensed to the Gospel Ministry in the Southern Baptist Convention and licensed toward Ordination in the American Baptist Convention. Twenty-five years of ministry experience and his own personal loss inform his writing and work.

Acknowledgments

This project has been a labor of love and there are many to whom I am immensely indebted.

Rev. Dr. Kevin Reimer, who has written the foreword, was my dean at the time of my sister’s death. Along with his care and thoughtfulness in the midst of my pain, I am indebted for his encouragement to pursue this work. Thank you, Kevin.

Eighteen different authors have written in this work. Some share important technical knowledge to help us understand grief and how to walk with those who mourn. All share their own journey with grief. I am so grateful for each person who contributed to making this work come together with such depth and care. I thank you each for sharing your stories, your pain, and your wisdom. To Esther, Kathy, Larry, Stacy, Eric, Lisa, Collin, Paul, Greg, Laura, Tim, Jay, Aaron, Norma, Brad, Ron, and James: Thank you!

In our house there are two Dr. Kinnisons. Dr. Cynthia Kinnison, my wife, has been an immensely important partner in this project as I have worked through the different elements of how the book might look. Her willingness to read, edit, and offer correction in the manuscript was a great help. In addition, our daughter, Carissa, kept me grounded in the important matters of life, like play and story-telling. Thank you, both!

This book is ultimately possible because we love. Most of us write about people we love but are now separated from—mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, spouses, brothers, and sisters. This book is possible because of the love we share for those who have died. We hope our work honors that love.

Finally, we give thanks to God who grieves with us and offers hope. We trust in these pages God’s love and care for people who grieve will be witnessed. In witnessing Christ’s compassion for those who mourn, we want to be faithful in joining him in caring well for one another as we walk the long journey of grief together.

Quentin P. Kinnison, PhD

Fresno, California

July

2018

Foreword

It is a difficult time to talk about grief. The conversation is particularly challenging for those who provide care and compassion to the grieving. North Americans are greatly preoccupied with elimination or palliation of suffering. This comes from the Enlightenment. Its legacy includes sophisticated medical and psychological interventions that have become very good at speedily quashing pain. Grief unceremoniously rejects the enterprise. Grief is a profoundly personal, emotionally complex manifestation of suffering. Grief is agonizing. Grief is slow. It is an earthy, authentically human response to loss and trauma. To acknowledge grief, much less talk openly about it, is enormously uncomfortable. It invites a reckoning regarding the limitations of our most advanced diagnostics and therapies. Not surprisingly, grief is typically relegated to the hospital bedside, funeral chapel parlor, or pastor’s office.

This book is a testament to the reconciliation and healing of persons in Christ. Paradoxically, it is first about suffering—courageously embracing and creatively reframing the difficult conversation. With boldness and compassionate sensitivity, contributors take the reader on grief journeys filled with personal reflection and insight. There is no attempt to varnish grief with Enlightenment proclivities. You will not find a gospel of triumphalism, health, or wealth. Wisely, each contributor notes that reconciliation and healing is possible only through a God that radically identifies with human suffering, pain, and grief. Through compelling and painfully intimate anecdotes and stories, readers of this book will rediscover the faithfulness of God to a people who grieve.

The implicit motif of God’s covenant faithfulness runs throughout the book. This is no accident. Covenant promises are kept on the basis of an unwavering commitment to relationship. The covenant endures because God is faithful to relationship with the people, regardless of whether the people immediately acknowledge God’s presence, or feel obligated to reciprocate. The authors of this book are telling us something. Many of us would consider ministry to include compassion and comfort given to the grieving. As responsible and well-intentioned caregivers, we want to know how. We are looking for methods, processes, and practices known to offer the very best outcomes for those who are grieving. But this isn’t a primary concern for the writers of this book. For them, compassionate care is about the covenant faithfulness of God, unwaveringly present through the most difficult personal circumstances. The caregiving message is simple, if difficult in practice. Be present, authentic, and open. Listen. Recognize that God radically identifies with human suffering and grief. We walk a long journey together as a people who have been redeemed, not a people immune to suffering, sorrow, and grief.

The Rev. Dr. Kevin S. Reimer

Chowchilla, California

July

2018

Introduction

Of Long Journeys and Short Roads

Quentin P. Kinnison, PhD

This book came together shortly after my sister died. During those days of the most intense mourning, I became aware of how many others were also on their continued journey of grief. As I engaged conversations with these family, friends, and colleague, I became acutely aware of grief’s difficult journey. In response, this book was born.

A Road Too Short for the Long Journey is written primarily for two groups. First, it is written for those who mourn. We intend to offer assurance and comfort that you are not alone in your journey and to affirm that your pain and sorrow is real and appropriate. Second, it is also written for those who care about people who mourn and specifically for people of faith who have come alongside others who grieve. Perhaps you are walking with a loved one, a family member, a congregant, or a sister or brother in Christ whom you care about, but are not sure how to do so well. We offer you insight and understanding about the journey of grief and how you might care for others meaningfully. As a result of writing for the two groups identified above, readers will find that some chapters seem to speak more to people who are mourning and other chapters speak to those who are caring for those who grieve. This allows both groups an opportunity to listen in to important conversations and gain greater understanding of grieving and the process of companioning those who grieve.¹

To understand the book and its message, it helps to think of the imagery the title invokes: A Road Too Short for the Long Journey. Grief is a life-long process. It is the reorientation of expectations, hopes, longings, and so much more that occurs when someone precious dies or when tragedy occurs. An unfillable hole is created in our hearts, minds, and psyches—in our lives. And as a life-long reality, we are or will be forever changed. That is not to say that the way we experience grief is always the same. Grief changes, ebbs and flows, and often at surprising times in surprising ways pops up and catches us off-guard. This is normal, though not what we might want. Grief is a long journey.

Unfortunately, the road for the long journey goes unpaved by society and occasionally is blocked by well-meaning, but misguided people. Platitudes meant to comfort will sting. Out of concern some will tell you to get over it or that it is time to move on. These and other attempts to help are reflections of a culture that prioritizes effectiveness and efficiency. Death and grief also remind us we are vulnerable when we prefer to believe we are immune to life’s tragedy. Grief as a long-term reality works against those values and beliefs. As a result, many who grieve often stifle or