Minnie Pearl’s Diary

By Minnie Pearl

Sarah Ophelia Colley, takes on her well-known alter ego Minnie Pearl to write a quaint diary in her inimitable Southern Country style.

“Dear Folks:

Up to now, you’ve only heard what she could tell on the air. But at last she’s been persuaded to give us her secret diary—writ by hand.

We asked her for some information “to put on the outside of the book” and this is what she sent us:

BIRTHPLACE: Grinder’s Switch, 3 miles west of Centerville (not even a wagon greasin’). Population 300 folks; 350 dogs.

DATE OF BIRTH: Age is a relative matter and that’s her trouble—too many relatives—she’s in her early fifties—young enough to wink at the fellers; too old to have them wink back.

FAMILY: Minnie has a brother, a sister, Uncle Nabob, Aunt Ambrosy, Coz Elmer, etc., etc., etc.

SCHOOLING: Minnie Pearl went all the way through Grinder’s Switch Elementary School—several times.

CHILDHOOD ACTIVITIES: She enjoyed carefree life at Grinder’s Switch, early interest in fellers, kissing games, coon hunts, possum hunts, kissing games, swimming in Duck River, watching the train go through, kissing games.

LATER ACTIVITIES: She participates—invited or not—in all activities at Grinder’s Switch with heavy emphasis on efforts to snare a husband. She is the social leader of Grinder’s Switch, showing keen interest in ice cream socials, church socials, and any other parties where they play games, especially kissing games. B(u )y now!”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Barakaldo Books
• Release date: May 19, 2020
• ISBN: 9781839745201

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© Barakaldo Books 2020, all rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means, electrical, mechanical or otherwise without the written permission of the copyright holder.

Publisher’s Note

Although in most cases we have retained the Author’s original spelling and grammar to authentically reproduce the work of the Author and the original intent of such material, some additional notes and clarifications have been added for the modern reader’s benefit.

We have also made every effort to include all maps and illustrations of the original edition the limitations of formatting do not allow of including larger maps, we will upload as many of these maps as possible.

MINNIE PEARL’S DIARY

BY

MINNIE PEARL

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Contents

TABLE OF CONTENTS 4

Dear Folks: 5

DEDICATION 7

Preface—Howdy 8

Fourword—Proud, to be here 8

Introduction—(We won’t need one, fellers!) 8

January 9

February 23

March 37

April 51

May 64

REQUEST FROM THE PUBLISHER 78

Dear Folks:

The main reason folks aren’t quite as clean as they were, some 15 years ago is the fact that on Saturday nights they have to hop out of the tub when they hear Minnie Pearl’s familiar Howdy! I’m jest so proud to be here.

Up to now, you’ve only heard what she could tell on the air. But at last she’s been persuaded to give us her secret diary—writ by hand.

We asked her for some information to put on the outside of the book and this is what she sent us:

BIRTHPLACE: Grinder’s Switch, 3 miles west of Centerville (not even a wagon greasin’). Population 300 folks; 350 dogs.

DATE OF BIRTH: Age is a relative matter and that’s her trouble—too many relatives—she’s in her early flirties—young enough to wink at the fellers; too old to have them wink back.

FAMILY: Minnie has a brother, a sister, Uncle Nabob, Aunt Ambrosy, Coz Elmer, etc., etc., etc.

SCHOOLING: Minnie Pearl went all the way through Grinder’s Switch Elementary School—several times.

CHILDHOOD ACTIVITIES: She enjoyed carefree life at Grinder’s Switch, early interest in fellers, kissing games, coon hunts, possum hunts, kissing games, swimming in Duck River, watching the train go through, kissing games.

LATER ACTIVITIES: She participates—invited or not—in all activities at Grinder’s Switch with heavy emphasis on efforts to snare a husband. She is the social leader of Grinder’s Switch, showing keen interest in ice cream socials, church socials, and any other parties where they play games, especially kissing games. B (u) y now!

DEDICATION

To any healthy young bachelor living near me

(and a Justice of the Peace).

Or to any middle-aged bachelor living near me.

Or to any OLD bachelor—living.

This book is dedicated to active livers.

Preface—Howdy

Fourword—Proud, to be here

Introduction—(We won’t need one, fellers!)

January

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1.

Dear Diary: Happy New Year! My feller Hezzie give me this here diary fer Christmas. He allus gives me somethin fer Christmas—last year he give me the measles. We shore had a big Christmas. I hated to take the Christmas tree out yestiddy, hit wuz so pretty. Like Mammy said, the Christmas tree and Uncle Nabob wuz both lit up. I’m gonna start right in and keep this diary all year long. All my secrets will be in it and I’ll lock it up and can’t nobody in this fambly read it—come to think of it, can’t many in this fambly read. When I’m a old married woman—I hope—my grandchillun—I hope—kin read it and know what a excitin time their grandmother had—I hope. Uncle Nabob don’t encourage folks to git married—he says marriage is like gittin in a hot tub of water—after you git used to it, it ain’t so hot. First I want to tell about the New Year’s Eve watch party we had last night. We wuz all dressed fit to kill, in fact I heerd one feller say, If you want to see somethin fit to kill, look at the dress on that Minnie Pearl. (That’s my name.) Brother had on the suit me and Mammy give him fer Christmas. I told Uncle Nabob I wanted to git Brother something he’s never had in his whole life. Unc said, Why don’t you git him a steady job? Hit’s Brother’s first store boughten suit and hit’s got two pairs of pants—that’s nice fer the winter, but it’s gonna be awful hot fer Brother come summer. Hezzie come by fer me—hit wuz late—must of been 7:30. When we got thar the party wuz in full fling. They wuz some at the party that must be awful tired today from all that dancin and jumpin around, but not me. I stayed in one place most of the time—I wuz afeered one of them man-crazy anxious old maids would swipe my place under the mistletoe. Aunt Ambrosy says kissin spreads germs, but Uncle Nabob said he didn’t know no more enjoyable way of catchin a germ. Professor Luke Sharpe played fer the party and he kin play most any kind of instrument you kin name. He even tried to play a harp onct but he had to quit. His ears kept gittin caught in the strings. They made him keep aplaying while ever feller else set down and et. Finally he got up and said, I’ve been playin on the orgin—I’ve been playin on the fiddle—I’ve been playin on the cornet—but I’m daddratted iffn I’m gonna play on a empty stummick. Right off Brother had to show off. Uncle Nabob says that runs in our fambly—like big feet and buck teeth (ever member of our fambly kin bite a pumpkin through a rail fence). Brother wuz abraggin about his strength—said he had the strongest hand-shakin grip of any feller thar. So Lem Teppin offered to shake hands with him. Lem won. Brother wound up with a thumb and one wide finger. Along about midnight some old girl started hollerin’ Let’s play kissin games—let’s play kissin games—jest kept on hollerin—my throat’s so sore I can’t hardly swaller today. They drawed a circle in the floor and a girl would stand in the circle and the fellers would have to kiss her or pay a fine. I made $11.34. Buster Owens still owes me 6 cents—says he’ll pay me come Sa’dy.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2.

Dear Diary: I didn’t git to write no more yestiddy but I aimed to mention that Lizzie Tinkum has got a girl named Elvirey O’Beury avisitin her that wuz shore aputtin on airs and showin off them pretty clothes she brung with her from Shady Grove. She looked like she wuz poured into that dress but not fer enuff.