Tales from the Mushroom

By Cliff Hamrick

Cliff Hamrick is a middle-aged counselor suffering from life-long depression and anxiety. Though he had tried hundreds of ways to overcome his mental illness, nothing had any lasting benefits. For years, he was content with the idea that at least he wasn't suicidal anymore. He became very good at hiding his depression from his clients and colleagues.

Then, at the age of 48, Cliff tried psychedelics for the first time. Immediately, he felt younger, happier, and more hopeful for the future. It was as if he had been going through life with a straight-jacket on and could finally stretch his arms. He became more interested in psychedelics and decided to use increasing doses of psilocybin mushrooms over the course of a year to overcome his depression once and for all.

Like 'magic mushrooms', Tales from the Mushroom is a story of introspection, mystery, and whimsy. It is a powerful tale of one man's looking into the abyss of depression and fighting the monsters that lie within.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fiery Blade Publishing
• Release date: Mar 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393972860

Book preview

Introduction

IN MID-JUNE OF 2018, I tried psychedelics for the first time in my life. I was with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. I was 48 years old. We used an herbal concoction that mimics MDMA, followed by chocolates filled with ground psilocybin mushrooms. The names have been omitted to protect the guilty. (Oh, I'm so clever.)

The experience was life-changing, a simple, over-used term, but in this case, the term is appropriate.

During the experience, for the first time in my life, I felt others were hearing me and I truly heard others without judgments or preconceptions. The experience was like jamming two years of group therapy into one long afternoon. When the mushrooms kicked in, I sat out on my friend's patio and looked up at the trees. It was like the same feeling I had after sitting out in the woods during a five-day vision quest, except it only took a few hours to get there. I came to terms with a lot of issues related to myself and why I live in fear so much. Sitting on that patio, I learned lessons that I carry with me to this day.

For over a week afterward, I felt younger. For the first time in a very long time, I felt my depression disappear. Life was exciting again. People were interesting. I related to my clients in a way that I never could before. There were possibilities in the world, and I could see them. (By the way, I am writing this introduction while coming down from a shroom experience, so there's that.)

I tried ketamine during a training so I could provide ketamine-assisted therapy. That was one of the worst experiences of my life. For thousands of years, I was trapped alone in another dimension in which nothing else existed. I coined it 'Green Hell' partly because of the Misfits song but also because of the ever-shifting phosphorescent green images that were projected onto a movie screen the whole time. When I became aware of myself, I was disappointed that I had to be me.

As I was coming down, I felt like I returned to the wrong dimension because I fucked up the landing. At least I got to experience the trauma of my birth, so there's that.

Needless to say, (But you're going to say it anyway, so what's the point of that phrase and this parenthetical aside? You're just making the sentence longer.) I was suicidal again. I thought I had a pretty good grip on my suicidal thoughts. They were pretty bad in middle school, high school, college, and young adulthood.

Shit, that's a long time to be suicidal. I should probably see a counselor about that.

Fuck, I am a counselor.

But after that experience, during the training, I proceeded to tell everyone they were full of shit. I told the trainers and all of the participants ketamine was horrible. I felt horrible, I was horrible, love me, pay attention to me, blah, blah. Basically, I just spewed my Shadow all over the group.

But I did not give up. My friend talked me down, showed me some empathy, and I realized that I wasn't alone. I found support from random strangers online. I soldiered on.

I tried the same MDMA-like herbal concoction with my friend, her boyfriend, and a bunch of other counselors. This time, it was at someone else's house, and I had to pay $250. The whole evening was based on the teachings of some South American guy who lives in California now. Sound like a cult? Eh, maybe, but a poorly designed cult. I mean, they didn’t even make me shave my head or anything.

The experience was rather forgettable, especially in the light of psychedelic experiences I've had since then. But I got to spend the evening and the following morning with the woman I disliked the most from the ketamine training, so there's that.

The following week sucked. I didn't feel younger, I wasn't interested in things, and people just annoyed the shit out of me. So, it was just a typical day for me except with $250 less in my bank account. But I did learn about the MDMA 'hangover', so there's that.

So, by this point, the two things I had learned were: 1) shrooms did nothing wrong, 2) people suck. At least people suck when trying to do a psychedelic experience. Too many voices, too many attitudes, too many questions, as Terence McKenna would say (you know I was going to have to mention him eventually) Culture is not your friend, friend. 

My first experience with the MDMA was great, and perhaps it was the reinvigoration of my brain synapses that prevented me from having the hangover afterward. But, looking deeper into it, I realized that I didn't want to deal with hangovers. Also, I didn't want to have to pay hundreds of dollars per session to hang out with a bunch of people I didn't know and hope that I was going to gain some insight into myself. I think MDMA is fine if you're an extrovert. But, I'm an introvert, and even when I'm high, I get sick of being around people after a while.

But the psilocybin mushrooms were great! Every time I used them, there was a new experience, a new insight, and some new wisdom. Plus, they were dirt cheap, and I didn't have to leave my house to do them. (Get it? Dirt cheap? Mushrooms? Please don't forget how clever I am. My ego desperately needs you to remember that.)

So, long story short (not really), I decided that in 2019, I would build up a series of mushroom experiences starting with low dosages and eventually ending with the Terence McKenna heroic dosage of five dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms alone in silent darkness.

Then I got the goofy idea to journal my experiences as I went along because maybe I would want to read about them later. Then I got the even goofier idea of publishing these journal entries in case someone would want to read them too.

I don't know why you would want to. Then again, I'm not sure why anyone would want to read anything written by anyone. It's all kind of bullshit. But mushrooms grow in bullshit, so there you go. By the time you reach the end of this book, hopefully, you feel like you got your money's worth.

Ok, so now I'm months from a mushroom experience, so this part will be a little less rambly (I hope!).

Let me begin by saying, don't try this at home. In fact, don't try this at all. First, psilocybin mushrooms are illegal in all fifty states of the US and most countries. They shouldn't be, but they are. As of writing this, only