Bloody Good True Shark Stories

By Fred (Freddy) Barnett

Bloody Good!
By
Fred Barnett

... is a rollicking adventure, through time and the seven seas!
Hundreds of fascinating TRUE facts and TRUE stories about our most famous denizens of the deep.
Meet your favorite sharks and other briny beasts as they encounter a variety of dangerous human nut cases.

“Fisherman arrested: Used wife as Shark Bait!”
“Aussie Loses Same Leg Twice!”
“Mako Attacks Fisherman On Beach!’
“Mom Eaten in Front Of Husband, Son and Six-Year-Old Quadruplets!”
“Killer Arrested After 'Monster' Spits out Murder Victims Arm.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fred (Freddy) Barnett
• Release date: Feb 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463865262

Fred (Freddy) Barnett

Fred ‘Freddy’ BarnettFred 'Freddy' Jay Deutsch Barnett (1950-2200)When did I feel like a real writer? When, at 4-years-old I wrote my first dirty word and distributed it throughout the Miami hotel where my family was staying. It was widely read, reviews were good and we were 'moved' across the street.I was born in 1950, in Neponsit, New York, a hurricane's breath from the beach.

Book preview

Chapter 1 ??? Playing The Odds ???

Your chances of being attacked by a shark are about 1 in 100,000,000

(100 each year)

Your chances of being killed by a shark are about 1 in 300,000,000 (25 each year)

In 1 year crocodiles kill 100 times as many people - that’s 2500!

Some lucky croc survivors get a hook and become pirates.

Humans kill 1 million sharks for each human bitten ... (not killed).

& you’ve still got a 100 times better chance of winning a lottery.

Your chances of being buried alive are.....about 1 in 150,000,000

__________________

Hey Daddy-o! Dig This!......................

Sand Kills More Often than Sharks!

Atlanta, Georgia

June 20, 2007

A father and son team of doctors have determined that ordinary sand kills more people than sharks. Twenty-three (mostly) promising young people’s lives have been buried in the U.S. alone since 1985 because of sand holes collapsing upon them, either at the beach, or in their own backyards.

At least 8 more victims in other parts of the English speaking world have been buried by the deadly crotch grinding granules.

There were at least 16 digging deaths between the years of 1990 to 2006.

Sand and people have never gotten along. Just look at the Middle East, some random guy said.

Is it really just a coincidence that billions of innocent people lie dead under sand and soil?, some other random guy said.

Sand, dirt, and buried humans fill enormous plots of land that could otherwise be used as valuable real estate. Not to mention all the little white balls that are lost in evil sand traps. still another random guy with white hair, synthetic white pants and white loafers added.

I think ‘shady’ people from ‘sandy’ countries might be behind this.......

Comedian Rodney Dangerfield was apparently such an ugly kid that his cat tried to bury him in his sandbox.

__________________

Your chances of being killed by something falling out of the sky are about 1 in 10,000,000.

__________________

...In Where else? Florida!

Pelican Crashes into Swimmer’s Face

May 11, 2008

St. Petersburg, Florida

After somehow mistaking the beautiful woman for a cod, a dimwitted pelican dive-bombed swimmer Debbie Shoemaker from 70 feet above on Sunday.

It took 20 stitches to repair the damage to Ms. Shoemaker’s lovely features, and a new bottle of lotion to restore her perfect killer tan.

__________________

Twagedy! A Tewwible Quack up as......

Dastardly Duck Kills Jet-Skier

November 20, 2007

Deerfield Beach, Where else?..... Florida!

While test driving a jet-ski on Thursday, Leon Resnick, 31 was struck in the face and killed by a duck.

An unidentified coworker, who was testing Resnick’s speed with a radar gun, had turned his head for a moment and then noticed that his friend was no longer on the craft. Resnick was soon found face down in the water.

Officer Bill Succotash, at the scene, said, The deceased did not suffer. Other witnesses on the beach were rolling on the sand, literally in tears, trying to suppress their... GOOD GRIEF!"

A German visitor said,A duck flew right into der fuhrer’s face...I’m Sorry...I mean Mr. Resnick’s face.

Fowl play was not involved.

The duck’s carcass, found by BSO Marine Unit, was immediately turned over to authorities assembled at the nearby Hung Lo Chinese Restaurant where it was professionally dissected in Oyster sauce over crispy noodle.

__________________

By the way, you are 200 times more likely to commit suicide than to be eaten by a shark (1 chance in 9,380).

As night falls, so does everything else...

An Evening of Suicide by the Seaside

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

East Sussex,Great Britain

A 12-man British Coast Guard crew trying to recover the body of a man who had jumped from a popular East Sussex suicide spot were nearly killed Wednesday, when a Toyota 4X4 drove over the same cliff and plunged 500-feet down to the rocky shore below.

Yes, it was the second suicide of the night. The flying 4X4 nearly landed on the heads of the heroes below.

They rescue crew immediately abandoned their search for the first suicide victim and headed over to the sinking car, as the second suicide would be the most likely of the two to still be alive.

Some traumatized workers later required psychological counseling and one more suffered minor injuries.

In response to the growing dangers of falling objects, the entire British Isles have now been declared a Hard Hat Area and the British Parliament is considering the repeal of Sir Isaac (Figgy) Newton’s law of gravity next week.

__________________

Your chances of being killed by a bee sting are about 1 in 5,500,000

( Some books say 1,250 every year. Always believe what you read.)

__________________

Your chances of being killed by lightning are about 1 in 1,900,000. In the U.S. 550 people are struck every year.

__________________

Lightning Strikes and Kills Diver

Deerfield Beach (again), Fla.

July 23, 2007

A thirty-six-year old man (Identity unknown. Let’s call him Mr. Fry from France, for now) was killed on Sunday when lightning struck his oxygen tank as he surfaced near his dive boat.

The victim was rushed to the nearby beach by an emergency crew, where he was mistakenly administered CPA, instead of CPR, which quickly bored the still-breathing Cajun-style-blackened dude to death.

Mr. Fry was pronounced dead at a Pompano Beach hospital, and again, later at his funeral.

He is still very much incapacitated and is not expected to return to his job this week.

__________________

Dying from a tornado 1 in 450,000,

From a biking accident 1 in 88,000.

From smoking related illness 1 in 600.

250 people are killed by elephants every year. (squish).

Odds of being audited by the IRS: 1 in 175

Odds of getting Hemorrhoids: 1 in 25

Odds of meeting a Hemorrhoid who works for the IRS: 98%

__________________

Your chances of being murdered are 1 in 18,000.

Man eater Claims Eighteenth Victim in Two Years!

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

July, 24, 1991

It was a sight more gruesome than anyone could remember seeing. The rotting remains of four human torsos, and as many as nine severed heads were discovered by investigators when they entered the foul smelling apartment of ...

JEFFREY L. DAHMER, THE CANNIBAL

Dahmer allegedly kept a blender on his front porch as he liked to greet all of his visitors with a handshake.

Because, yes! You do have a much greater probability of getting eaten by a fellow Human!

Hey, there goes the entire shark victim toll for the year!

Your chances of getting away with murder are 1 in two!

__________________

Many more people are killed every year by family members, a pet dog, or pig............

Just wait till your father gets home!

Forget sharks! You’re More Likely to be Murdered by Your Mom!

Honolulu, Hawaii

January 3, 2008

If you don’t shut up right now, I’m stopping the car!... I’ll.........oh sorry, uh...

Most child murders, and there are thousands every year, are caused by parents, siblings, other relatives, family acquaintances and even caregivers.

So never let your guard down Mr. or Mrs. All-grown-up Big Shot (who’s too busy to call your poor mother). That seemingly harmless dear old woman darning your old socks by the fireplace can suddenly rear up and poke you through the eye with a knitting needle.

Only 50 of the 370 shark species known are considered even remotely dangerous.

Only four of those (the Great White, the Tiger Shark, the Bull Shark, and the Scalloped Hammerhead) are known to be definitely dangerous.

HOW

The usual cause for attacks may be mistaken identity, territoriality, or just plain hunger.

In most cases the attacker will bite, and then spit out the human victim.

It may then casually hang out and wait for the victim to die before finishing its meal... (Cute.)

The secret of survival seems to be getting out of the water A.S.A.P. after a bite.

In California, between 1926 and 1989 there were 63 confirmed attacks (that’s one per year).

8 of those attacks were fatal. Most of the California attacks occurred close to kelp forests, near the surface, when the victim may have appeared to be another tasty mammal such as a sea lion.

WHO

Out of 100 shark bite victims every year, 25 will die from their wounds.

Most shark attack victims survive and write an entire novel based on a bite.

Men are attacked 31 times more than women. The term man-eater may not be so sexist after all.

Some experts say that the male’s body odor may be easier to detect.

BeeeeeeOhhhhhhh!

Traditionally there have been more men involved in water activities.

— until recently.

Between 1926 and 1981 only one victim was a woman. This number now increasing now that more women are involved in water related activities.

Generally, there are many more people in the water than ever before. However, there are probably fewer dangerous sharks due to worldwide slaughter.

Human females in the middle of their menstrual cycles may have a slightly higher risk of attack by a shark. Attacks by female humans upon hapless men, who set them off during PMS, can be far more savage and cause banishment to the uncomfortable couch in the spare room.

94% of shark attacks are due to individual sharks, acting alone. 6% involve accomplices.

20% of the people attacked were pole fishing. 20% were spearfishing.

The other 50% were usually surfers and divers.

The remaining 10% went swimming right after eating lunch. They’d been warned.

WHAT THE----?!

Most shark attack victims will never know what-the-%^%$#$@ hit them, or even get to see their attacker.

WHEN

Experts say that most attacks occur before noon...... Some say 10 a.m. Peak hours seem to be either 11a.m. or between the hours of 2-4 p.m. (Confused yet?)

65% of shark attacks occur on weekends. Same reason — just more folks.

Amazingly enough, these are the times and temperatures when most people are in the water.

Incredibly, there are people who are payed to figure this stuff out.

WHY

One of the few predictable facts: sharks are unpredictable.

And...they get hungry.

WHERE

Most attacks occur in water between 68-70 degrees or warmer.

The worst rash of attacks occurred in Durban, South Africa, in 1957, where 7 people were attacked within 107 days. Five died.

__________________

The most attacks occur regularly in...

The Sunshine State

__________________

You young punks! Toin down dat lousy Hippity-hop music!

Nearly Half of all Shark Attacks Occur in Flahriduh

New Smyrna Beach, Fla.

August 21,2001

For generations, it has been an American custom to have our senior citizens move to Florida, take up golf, dye their hair blue, dress themselves in nice white clothes so that they look rich for God, and then quietly drop dead, forgotten by their own ungrateful children, who married either a pimp or a whore and never produced any sweet grandchildren.

Today, a new generation of surfing Americans have taken over The Sunshine State, wearing backward baseball caps and soiling God’s nice new Waiting Room carpet with their sandy feet.

In the year 2001, seventeen out of forty of the world’s shark attacks had occurred within a 50-miles stretch of this state’s finest surfing area. The percentage of Florida attacks in comparison with worldwide attacks has remained fairly consistent since 2001. Between 2000 and 2003 there was an average of 30 shark attacks a year statewide. In 2004 there were only 12 attacks.

In 2002, 20 of the state’s 37 attacks were near the jetty at New Smyrna Beach.

__________________

Here are some typical Florida stories......

__________________

Blue Hair White Death !

Retiree Killed by Shark 10 feet from Home

St. Pete Beach, Flahridah

August 31, 2000

Late last Wednesday afternoon, Thadeus Kubinski, age 69, a young whippersnapper around these parts, was killed by a shark as he swam ten feet away from the murky water of his back yard dock on Boca Ciega Bay. There was blood and blue hair everywhere. Despite a massive bite to his upper torso, it is believed that the culprit was probably an old grey reef shark with few teeth as Mr. Kubinski appeared to have been viciously gummed to