Kilroy: Drunkquisition

By He Who Ruins Pizza

For most people going for a drink after a tough day at work is a normal occurrence, but immortal, Realm hopping warrior Kilroy may take things a little bit too far. After spending three years trapped inside of a deathmaze fighting for his life Kilroy goes on a bender to end all benders. In this short-story Kilroy just wants some time to himself to forget about his problems, but gets caught up in an Inquisition that not only has him battling against religious intolerance, his own demons, but the very Gods themselves. Check out the latest hilarious adventure of Kilroy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: He Who Ruins Pizza
• Release date: Feb 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463366875

He Who Ruins Pizza

He Who Ruins Pizza is a Canadian Sci-fi/Fantasy/Comedy writer. As such he is incredibly boring and other than having a wildly bizarre imagination has almost no other deserning or interesting qualities about him.Kilroy may be an immortal well over 10,000 years old and lived through dozens of Realms but all and all he's not that different from the rest of us. He likes sunsets, good food, plentiful drink, and he hates his job! Kilroy's work takes him from blood-soaked battlefields, reeking sewers, and haunted castles where he comes up against wizards, dragons, or whatever else the current Realm has to throw at him.

Book preview

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Introduction

Kilroy was here. Kilroy was there. Kilroy has been almost everywhere, but who is Kilroy?

An immortal warrior from a far away Realm it’s been Kilroy’s job over his irritatingly long life to protect all the Realms of Reality from the forces of evil, so the next time you get stuck in traffic during your commute or have a mountain of paper work in your inbox at least be happy Goblins won’t be hurling spears at you all day, unless you’ve done something terrible to upset your co-workers!

In this exciting adventure...

After a tough day at the office it's not unusual to slip out to the bar for a pint or two to let off some steam and try to forget about what a bad day you just had. Kilroy does the same thing, but after three years of torture during his last 'job' he might have overdone it just a little.

Kilroy was deservedly drunk.

He'd spent the last three years fighting for his life trapped inside of a Necromancer’s death maze. Now, it wasn’t his first time trapped in a death maze either. In fact, during his countless immortal years the concept of a death maze had become rather blase and, in his opinion, a tad overdone.

Indeed, it seemed that in every other Realm Kilroy visited some tyrannical despot, corrupted Alchemist, or mad scientist was building a damned death maze and filling it with whatever terrors they happened to have on hand at the time, but this was the first time Kilroy had ever experienced one built by a Necromancer.

Every day had been a constant struggle for survival as Kilroy navigated the constantly shifting dark, dank tunnels filled with bazaar overly complicated death mechanisms like acid traps, hidden pendulum blades, trap floors, trap walls, and even trap ceilings, as well as the ever-popular rolling boulder of doom. The Necromancer, being a Necromancer, also had an army of undead creations at his disposal as well, so not only did Kilroy have to deal with vampires, zombies, mummies, and Frankensteins but, ugh, skeletons as well.

Of all revenants that Kilroy had ever come across he could stand skeletons the least, they just didn’t make any sense at all. They wore armour and wielded weapons they could use with lethal effect, yet had no muscles, tendons, or organs of any kind, but they still clicked and clattered around without a care in the world taking two to three good axe blows to kill. If Kilroy even saw one more skeleton, he would literally throw up.

Kilroy was throwing up now but it had nothing to do with seeing a rotting bone bag and more to do with the cheap gut-rot wine he'd been reduced to drinking.

After his escape, he had headed straight to the nearest town, and more importantly, its tavern. There he promptly started to drown out the years worth of horrors he'd been subjected to; which is hard to do when you have memory runes carved into your skull to prevent such memory loss.

So Kilroy kept drinking.

He drank until he'd been kicked out of the tavern; and the town. He then repeated this in every small town, hamlet, and village on his way to Port Gundar.

This large city was built at the mouth of a river that shared the city’s name and was only one days ride away from Capital City. Virtually all the capitals goods passed through Gundar’s harbour, making it one of the busiest ports in the entire Realm. Like all good ports, it had a high number of bars, taverns, inns, and other various types of watering holes and it was Kilroy’s plan to drink his way through all of them.

As he wiped the vomit from his mouth, he picked up the bottle of wine next to him and at hearing its near empty contents sloshing around the inside was glad that he’d made it to the next bar. He squinted through his drunken eyes to see that this one was more