The Paths They Walked

By Tony Varnis

Graduating from High School two friends, one male and one female, face life in the late 1960s. While Susan rushes forward moving to New York City, embracing the world eagerly, Dan, indecisive and unsure of himself, remains in his hometown where he sullenly muddles his way forward with no plan. The paths they head down outwardly appear completely divergent, but in reality, there is a strangely vague parallel to them. The difference is within themselves and how they react to the events in their lives. The two separately make their ways through that socially turbulent time, never noticing how each decision they make affects the courses their lives take in the era of Vietnam, "sex, drugs, rock and roll" and "tune in, turn on, drop out". Neither one seems to be able to recognize the opportunities to change their direction when they see them as they head towards the climactic moments of their lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tony Varnis
• Release date: Jan 29, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393764571

Tony Varnis

A life long member of the working class, Vietnam veteran, bookbinder, warehouseman, retail worker, and laborer with a passion for good times, laughter, old cars, cold beer, Nordic skiing, and nature. I am most at home with the ordinary people of this world. The ones that interest me are the ones who have taken a few hard knocks in life and come up laughing. They are the ones who don't run from the rain, accepting that they are going to get wet and feel it's all a part of the journey; in other words the common clay that is the foundation of this world. These are the people I love and the ones I choose to write about. 

Book preview

I  June 1968

In June 1968, Dan Mitchel took Susan Chimonsky to the senior prom. She hadn’t been Dan’s first choice, he’d dreamed of taking one of the popular girls but understood there was no point in asking any of them. He knew they would all be going to go with the popular guys. There was nothing unusual with that; in most high schools the self-proclaimed in crowd sticks to itself. They seldom mingle with the rank and file and Dan was definitely a part of that rank and file, just another nameless face in the crowds that flooded the hallways between classes. So he decided if he couldn’t ask out one of his dream girls he should be practical and ask out a friend.

He and Suzy had been friends for slightly over four years, since junior high school. He’d always thought of her as being a plain, yet still pleasant looking girl; not homely, but not overly pretty either. Basically, as he unfairly looked through the foolish eyes of youth, he viewed her as an acceptable compromise.

He was, however, about to learn something about the difference between the in crowd girls and those of the rank and file. The in crowd members were often over pampered by indulgent parents. The girls weren’t actually any better looking than those of any other crowd, but their parents were willing to spend money on hair stylings, beauty treatments, and trendy clothes, living vicariously through their offspring’s popularity. The parents of the rank and file, believing school was a source of education rather than a social event, frowned on such expensive frivolities as makeup and permanent wave hair dos. The rank and file girls were relegated to plain hair styles, perhaps some lipstick, simple blouses matched with knee length skirts, usually black, tan, or plaid.

All that seemed to change as graduation, with all its celebratory rituals, approached. Parents, realizing their daughters were on the threshold of adulthood, gave their approval and suddenly girls started arriving made up nicely, wearing more stylish clothing, and better coiffured. Like the ugly duckling of story book fame turning into a swan, many of these girls with the natural beauty of their youth now highlighted and enhanced, out shone the in crowd, Suzy was one of these. Pleasantly surprised, Dan felt as if he’d uncovered a diamond in the rough.

The two of them went to all the graduation celebrations together; class day, the school’s graduation party, a senior class luncheon with an unofficial gathering at a local amusement park afterwards. Throughout all these festivities Dan began to think of Suzy as his girlfriend. There were small slight stolen moments during this time that encouraged this notion. At the amusement park she clutched his arm on the Roller Coaster, held his hand in the Fun House, and cuddled up to him in the Tunnel of Love. There was the slow dancing at the graduation party, with her pressing herself close up against him.

It was at the prom, however, that he became convinced of it. It was the culmination of all the other events. From the moment he picked her up they functioned as a couple, even walking from the door of her parent’s house to the car arm in arm. At the prom itself there was more of the slow dancing they had done at the graduation party. Emboldened, Dan allowed his hands to roam across her back, dropping down occasionally, feeling the firmness of her buttocks through the stiff material of her gown. She would respond with a sly smile that served to encourage him. Thoughts of a wild night of debauchery ran through his mind. He was falling for the myth that every girl puts out on prom night; in his mind Suzy was now his girl and tonight she would be ripe for the picking.

Actually, what happened at the prom was all fairly innocent, the previously mentioned hand sliding down to her backside, an occasional awkward brushing up against the front of her dress. All the type of things he would later, after he had more familiarity with woman, refer to as playing poke and tickle. Suzy would respond with that knowing smile, neither encouraging nor rebuking him. But, at this point in his life, he had no experience with girls, so the little he was getting seemed like a lot. He was like a man who’s been lost in the desert searching for water celebrating for the half of cup of juice he can squeeze from a cactus; Dan felt like a big time operator.

After the prom itself was over, out in the parking lot, he saw a group of his friends and their dates clustered together. When he went over he found out one of them had gotten a hold of a bottle of wine. He never did know exactly who’s it was, but they were passing the bottle around. He and Suzy each had a swallow, actually Dan had two. Even at that age, with no real tolerance for alcohol as yet, it wasn’t enough to get him drunk, but it was enough for him to think he was, and that thought gave him license to act things out.

Once he and Suzy got into the car, he slid his arm around her and pulled her close to him, kissing her on the lips. Suzy responded warmly, though slowly at first, then shyly slid her tongue forward between their lips into his mouth. This was by far the most intimate thing Dan had ever done with a girl, and he was beside himself. Gripped by a flood of raging hormones and lust, his free hand moved down and across her lap, pulling the hem of her dress up to her knees. Briefly massaging her knee, he began sliding his hand easily up her inner thigh. Then her hand dropped, blocking him from going any further. She leaned back, and in the dim light of the parking lot he could see she was still smiling.

No more Danny, okay? It’s far enough. Then she leaned forward again and kissed him as if to show there were no hard feelings.

One would have expected Dan to be disappointed, and in many ways he was. Like most eighteen year old boys who’d had no real physical involvement with girls, Dan was obsessed with the idea of sex and desperate to experience it. But also like a lot of young men in his position, he wasn’t quite sure how to go about it, so there was a degree of relief involved. He’d long understood the basics, of course, but he was filled with some major performance anxieties. The last thing he wanted was to come off looking like an inept fool. He would rather have things happen slowly over a longer period, one step at a time, giving him a chance to ease into it. It also pleased him to think that his new love wasn’t that type of girl. So it was with some degree of relief that he started up the car and headed for McCain’s.

McCain’s Restaurant was one of several in town that served as post Senior Prom gathering places. They expected the late night influx of teen-agers and, grateful for the business, were more than willing to indulge them. The regular staff had grown used to this annual flood of juveniles trying hard to look like sophisticated adults. Normally non-smokers now lit up cigarettes posing in what they assumed were mature looking poses, suppressing the urge to cough which would destroy the illusion. The drinking age was twenty one at the time, but some of the more daring ordered cocktails.  Dan ordered coffee with a wink and a smile to his friends, implying he needed it to sober up after his two swallows of wine, hoping to give the impression that he may have had something else to drink on the way over.

When the waitress came to take their order, Dan ordered a Salisbury steak because it sounded high class to him, even going so far as to order it rare. The waitress raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, merely nodding her head and writing down his order. It was a surprise when the food arrived and he got what he considered to be an oversized hamburger covered with mushroom gravy. Not wanting to admit anything, he plunged right in, stating he always had this after a few drinks because it was good for soaking up the booze.

After their late night meal, the crowd hung out at the restaurant socializing and joking amongst themselves. This lasted for only a brief time and slowly, by groups of twos and fours, the crowd began to thin quickly out. Like many of their classmates, perhaps the majority, Dan and Suzy had talked in the days before the prom of staying out all night, of being awake to see the break of dawn. In actual fact they decided it was late, and both were tired; it was time to call it quits. Dan took Suzy home. Our hopes and our realities are often quite different. His dreamed of night of passion ended at her parent’s door with a simple good night kiss.

It hadn’t been the night he’d visualized, but it had been fun. He felt like an adult, he was free from the annoying caste system that existed in high school and he had a girlfriend, and a comely looking one at that. All in all, Dan was happy and eager to face the future. What he didn’t know was Suzy wasn’t interested in being a part of that future. She also had dreams.

Suzy’s family, while far from rich, were well off. They owned and operated a neighborhood hardware store that her father had inherited from her grandfather. Her parents were aware of their good fortune and had long ago determined that their daughters weren’t going to be raised any differently from the other children in the neighborhood. Make no mistake, Suzy and her kid sister lacked for nothing, it’s just that they hadn’t been spoiled.

At some point in her life, Suzy had become aware that her family was better off than those of her friends and began to slowly chaff under the restraints her parents had imposed on her. It wasn’t that Suzy felt she’d had a bad childhood, it was quite the opposite. Yet, she’d always had a sense of adventure, desiring to see the world and live an exciting life. She imagined if she’d lived in the inter war years she would have drank wine with the Hemingways in Pamplona or danced in a Paris fountain with the Fitzgeralds. If it was during the war years, she fantasized herself as a female foreign correspondent wearing a trench coat in London, covering the blitz with Murrow and later, when America joined the fray, having a wild affair with a bomber pilot who risked his life daily in the skies over Germany. If it had been in the fifties, she thought she would have fit in with the beats, partying with Kerouac, Cassidy, and Ginsburg. She had a romanticized view of these things, never understanding the realities of the world.

That was her mind set as she approached her eighteenth birthday, ready and eager to spread her wings. Actually her little rebellion had begun a year earlier when she applied to a college. She had decided if she wanted to become a free spirit, she had to go where other free spirits went, and in her mind, New York City was the place she had to go. And of all the schools that were there, she picked a small almost unknown institution; The Carling Institute.

Her preference concerned her parents. They understood and accepted her desire to go away to school, and even her wanting to go to a school in a big city whether it was New York, Boston, or Philadelphia. But if she insisted on New York, they would have preferred NYU or CCNY rather than some small out of the mainstream place like Carling. It wasn’t that it was a bad school, after checking into it they found it was fully accredited, and fairly well respected, it was the size.

Located on the lower East Side, Carling specialized in the fine arts with the bulk of its student population made up of the offspring of working class Manhattanites. While a private institution, it could be considered a forerunner of the community colleges that would later become so common in this country. While its reputation was sterling, what troubled Suzy’s parents was the physical layout.

It had no campus as such; it was housed in the upper floors of what appeared to have been a warehouse at one time. The first floor was occupied by a small diner, a liquor store, and a grocery. There were no dormitories, but a nearby small residential hotel gave a reduced rate to patrons who were students in good standing with the Institute. It was not the sort of environment her parents were comfortable with, but they knew their daughter was coming of age. She had played faithfully by their rules her whole life and they figured now she was entitled to reap the rewards. They would have preferred she went to a local school or one with a defined campus, but also didn’t want to deny her dreams. Despite their reservations, they agreed to send her.

Suzy had been ecstatic; her parent’s acquiescence was a kind of dream come true. For a girl who fancied herself a Bohemian, this seemed like the type of place other Bohemians would attend. The gritty reality of the neighborhood it was located in appealed to her, and the fact that it was within walking distance of Greenwich Village was the icing on the cake. It seemed to her as if she were going to the heart of the Avant-garde world, a place populated by interesting and exciting people. She could envision herself sitting in coffeehouses and bars exchanging her latest poetry with other free spirited souls while some up and coming successor to Dylan or Baez played their latest opus on stage.

She continued to play things straight throughout her senior year, but was waiting for the chance to break loose; ready and eager to begin her big adventure. All through her last year she hadn’t said much about it, in keeping with her nature, but when her class mates talked about being accepted at this state college or that local school she would smile and nod her head condescendingly. She felt somehow superior to them. They would be merely going to school while she was going out to face life on its own terms.

Dan on the other hand seemed to have no real ambitions, just some vague ideas of becoming a success someday but with no real idea of how to go about it. He’d applied to and been accepted at a local business school to study accounting. It wasn’t that he was interested in accounting or even good with numbers, it was just something to do. Accounting was a profession and he figured if he graduated with a two year degree he could get a job and that was as far as his vision went.

Dan took a job that summer making deliveries for a local electrical supply company. If he had to work, this was the kind of job he wanted, driving around the area in an Econoline van to various construction job sites dropping off orders. To him it was a summer of being paid just to go cruising, enjoying being outdoors behind the wheel. It was his first real taste of adulthood. As Suzy looked forward to mixing with her intellectuals, Dan enjoyed the company of the laboring class of men he was meeting. He liked being around them, enjoyed hearing their dirty jokes and course humor. He knew they considered him to be just a kid, but still he was comfortable in their company and thought of himself as one of them. He had no idea of how this would impact his life, or how soon, for that matter.

For Suzy, the summer was one of transformation as she began reinventing herself. The first thing to go was her hair. She quickly shed the plain shoulder length hairstyle that had served her, in her opinion badly, since childhood. She shunned even the hairstyling she’d worn during their graduation period, relegating it to whatever photographs that were taken at that time. It was replaced with a short, almost boyish style, parted on one side with a swath of her brown hair cutting diagonally across her forehead. With pointed sideburns, it was what was referred to in those days as mod, or trendy. It gave her a wildly playful, sassy look that accentuated her pretty face well.

Her hair wasn’t the only thing that changed, she began to dress differently. Her slacks were now tighter and her skirts shorter, revealing a pleasing figure that up until now had gone unnoticed. For the first time in her life, guys were paying attention to her and she was enjoying it. It seemed to her as if she had finally stepped out from the shadows.

Dan and Suzy continued to see each other over that last summer, but there was a difference now. As he had earlier viewed her as someone he’d settled for as a prom date, she now saw him the same way; her back-up, someone to hang out with when there was nobody else around. She liked him, but thought of him as a friend, not a love interest. On the other hand, Dan still thought of her as his girl and was happy with the changes she was going through; his diamond in the rough was polishing herself up.

Their time spent together that summer was fairly innocuous and innocent although Dan didn’t see it that way. When they were together, Suzy always greeted him with a kiss, and always kissed him good-bye or good-night. Whenever he had the urge to kiss her she was receptive but she never let him go much further, though occasionally allowing him to steal a quick feel with a tolerant smile. Her playful flirtations with other guys didn’t bother him, believing she was just trying to make them jealous, envying him. After all she was his girl.

What he didn’t realize was that yes, she was only playing when she flirted with the others, but she was also playing when she flirted with him. All the kissing was because she thought that’s what sophisticated women of the world did. In addition, she liked kissing with boys, any boys, it made her feel sexy and desirable and there had been precious little of that in her adolescent years and she was happily making up for lost time. There was a feeling of empowerment, knowing all the guys, including Dan, who hadn’t paid much attention to her at the high school dances were now vying for her attention. She was also trying to familiarize herself with the way males operated around women. Basically, she was preparing to change herself and was using Dan to rehearse for her role as a budding, nonconforming young intellectual. 

If someone had tried to explain all this to Dan, he wouldn’t have paid any attention, he was that sure of himself. To him it was a summer of fun, he was being paid to drive around and he had a girl to spend his evenings with, nothing or no one would have been able to change his view. Even when he’d call and her family would make no secret of the fact that she was out with someone else it didn’t bother him; the fact that she would still go out with him the next night seemed to be proof that she favored him. He saw it as a young, inexperienced woman doing some comparison shopping, as it were, and she was seeing he was the best deal around. The arrogance of youth refused to allow him to see he was her fall back boyfriend for the summer.

Summer finally ended, not the real summer of course, but the artificial one in the fading days of August with the approaching weekend of Labor Day that signaled the return to school. The last Saturday night before Suzy was to leave for New York they went to a drive-in movie. To Dan it seemed like the big night; like prom night, visions of wild passions ran through his imagination. Unlike prom night, he knew he would probably have to settle for less than he’d envisioned, but there was something romantic about it all; two lovers and their last night together before parting.

He was sure of one thing, no matter what happened physically, this would be the night they proclaimed their everlasting love, a love that would easily survive a few years of separation. Simply put, over the summer he’d convinced himself he was in love with her and that she loved him. The whole going to different schools thing was simply a bump in the road, not an end; an obstacle that they could easily overcome.

The movie was a double feature as was common at drive-in movies; "To Sir With Love, and The Graduate". The first was about a black teacher taking a job in an impoverished London secondary school. They watched it through the eyes of a couple of survivors of high school the way World War Two veterans must have viewed movies about the Normandy landings or the Battle of the Bulge. As for the second feature, Dan hoped the sexual nature of it would put some ideas in Suzy’s head, and if it didn’t, he thought it would impress her with his sophisticated maturity, actually taking a girl to see what was considered a dirty movie in 1968. Somehow, both movies seemed appropriate to their situation.

As with most of Dan’s expectations, the night seemed to be falling short of what he’d hoped for. They sat on the front seat, his arm around her, their heads together, watching the movie and sharing the box of popcorn on his lap. Occasionally he would raise his head, lean down and kiss her which she happily returned. To an onlooker, they appeared to be the very picture of a young couple in love, but the magic moment Dan had he’d been waiting for was eluding him. After one impassioned kiss he had to speak his mind.

Damn, Sue, I’m going to miss you. This town isn’t going to be the same without you.

Yes, it will, she said as she rested her head against him. It will always be the same, with or without me, or you, or anybody else for that matter. The town is the town and it never changes. That’s why I have to leave.

What’s wrong with the town? I don’t get it, her words seemed a little too deep for him to grasp. What’s so important about going away?

There’s nothing wrong with the town, if you like it. I don’t, simple as that.

Well that’s part of what I don’t get, he persisted, why you think it’s so bad, what don’t you like?

You have to ask? her voice was calm, almost serene as she responded. Have you forgotten high school already; the way the ‘it’ crowd acted towards the rest of us? Are you going to tell me that never bothered you? If it didn’t, you’re a better person than I am, that’s all I can say.

Sure it bothered me, but so what? High school is over, they’ve had their days in the spotlight, now it’s over.

No, she said, the high school part is over, but the ‘it crowd’ is still there and always will be. They’ll be the ones with the important jobs not because they’re qualified, but because they’re part of the right crowd. They’ll still be there, looking down their noses at the rest of us.

Let them look, I don’t care. Then, with a flash of insight he added, There’s going to be privileged characters everywhere you go, even in New York.

Yes, she agreed, they are everywhere, but in the big city you don’t have to interact with them. They have their world, you have yours.

You don’t have to do that here either, her logic was not making a lot of sense to him. Look at all those big houses up on High Street, do you even know who lives in them? I don’t. They don’t mingle with hoi-polloi. No interaction there.

But they’re in charge, this is their world. She raised her head up and looked at him, Look, I write poetry, I’m a poet. Around here all I’ll be is some weird lady who likes to rhyme words. I need to go somewhere where there’s a world of like-minded people, where you can live your life the way you want, without the establishment types pushing you aside. You can understand that, can’t you.

Yeah, I guess so. I’m not trying to talk you out of going, I just want to be sure you’ll be coming back.

There was a pause in the conversation as she leaned forward and kissed him. Then she stroked his cheek affectionately.

And I’m not trying to talk you into leaving, she said. If you’re happy with the way things are here, then that’s good, we’re all different. If you think it will work for you, then you should stay, it’s just that it doesn’t work for me. I need something a little less conventional, that’s all.

At that she leaned against him again, her head resting once more on his shoulder. She felt she’d explained her case rather well, even though in actual fact she’d left him more confused than he’d been in the beginning. He’d thought her logic was rather silly, but didn’t really care, he was still thinking of her as his girl. They cuddled up to watch the second feature.

As they watched and laughed at the main character’s inept attempts to deal with an older woman’s offer of an affair, Dan was encouraged, feeling worldlier than the young man on the screen. He put his hand on her knee, then slid it slowly but firmly up her thigh. Reaching her crotch, he felt her hand grip his own tightly, effectively stopping him. He waited nervously, expecting her to yell or slap him. She did neither.

Look, Danny, if you want to feel me, it’s okay, but that’s all. I’m not going any farther. As long as you understand that... she didn’t finish her words, just released his hand.

Dan had mixed feelings of frustration and relief. Frustration, because he’d hoped this would be the night, the one he’d been fanaticizing about for years, the chance to go all the way with a woman. Relieved, because just like on prom night he was aware that he had no idea of what he was supposed to do. As hormonally charged as he was physically, his brain told him it would be better to go one step at a time, slowly, to explore and find his way.

Their lips pressed tightly together, Dan began fumbling one handed with the front of her jeans, unbuttoning them, opening the front. He slid his hand downward and began, clumsily and awkwardly caressing her. This might not have been what he’d been hoping for when the date had started, but it was farther than either one had ever gone with someone before. As his touch grew more confident, intimately probing her, he was encouraged by the sound of her soft sighing moans. He wasn’t really sure of what was happening, but he knew he was having some sort of effect on her.

This was far and away the most intimate act Dan had ever experienced; his first real sexual encounter. The same could be said about Suzy. Over the summer she twice had a boy feel her breasts and assumed Dan would do the same, but he had gone straight into her pants. Now, as he continued to fondle her, she herself was surprised at how quickly she was becoming aroused.

Dan’s amateur groping was more exploratory than sensuous. While amazed at the physical feel of her, he was confused by her reactions as he stroked, rubbed, pressed, and massaged her. In the dim ambient light that is present at drive-in movies he could make out her face looking at times pained and at others somewhat frightened, he could feel her shiver, and he could hear her breathing, ragged and occasionally gasping. Finally she lowered her head, her chin almost on her chest, breathing deeply.

Are you all right? he asked quietly, fearing she may have fainted.

She slowly raised her head and looked at him, he saw a faint smile on her lips. She placed a hand on his cheek and kissed him gently. Then, pressing her face against his neck, she hugged him tightly. They remained like that for a few minutes, then she straightened up and sat back in the car seat, buttoning up the front of her pants and zipping up the fly.

I need to go to the ladies room, she said shyly.

Yeah, Dan responded, I should take a walk too.

They got out of the car and walked to the concession stand together without saying a word. Dan wasn’t sure what had happened or what he’d done, he was too inexperienced to recognize a female orgasm when he saw it, even when he was responsible for it. As far as he knew, he’d just gone farther with a girl than anybody in his immediate group of friends had and that made him feel special.

When he came out of the men’s room he waited for Suzy, when she emerged from the lady’s room, he bought her an orange drink and they returned to the car. Nothing else really happened that night, the sat quietly watching the end of "The Graduate".  During a scene where the male lead character pursed his ex-girlfriend to her college campus to try to win her back, he imagined himself going to New York to claim Suzy’s hand. At the very end as the hero and heroine rode off in a bus, he thought of Suzy and himself leaving Manhattan on the Staten Island ferry. He knew nothing about Staten Island or why they would go there, but escaping on a boat seemed more dramatically romantic than a bus.

Overriding his fantasies was the thought that prom night hadn’t been what he’d expected, he hadn’t got anywhere with her over the summer, and tonight wasn’t quite what he’d hoped for. It seemed to him he’d been slowly making progress though, and perhaps the first time she came home for a weekend or at the Christmas break at the latest, they’d have their big night. Until then, the memory of feeling her up in the front seat would suffice.

Two days later Dan got up early and went over to Suzy’s house. Her parents were driving her to New York City to get her settled in and he wanted to say good bye. When he arrived at her house she was standing on the front porch talking with two of her girlfriends. As he came up the walk, the girlfriends began giggling slightly, he wondered if Suzy had told them about the night at the drive-in. Suzy ignored their tittering and gave Dan a hug.

Danny, it’s so nice of you to come, thanks.

It’s going to be a while before I see you again, I didn’t want to miss the chance to say so long, he paused, I’m going to miss you.

The girlfriends looked at each other and giggled some more. He tried to ignore them, but they were like some sort of Greek chorus hovering in the background, highlighting the action in his little passion play. He wished they would go away, they were ruining the scenario he’d envisioned in his mind; the big romantic farewell. He knew they wouldn’t, so their annoying snickering was something he would have to endure.

You have my address, he told her, don’t forget to write, I’d like to keep in touch.

Of course, she smiled at him.

Then, she glanced over his shoulder at the front door, he assumed making sure her parents weren’t there, rose up on her toes and gave him a quick kiss. Then, smiling at him shyly, she tapped him twice on the shoulder with the base of her fist.

Do you think I would forget you? she asked.

Before he could answer, the front door opened and Suzy’s parents came out. Seeing Dan, her father acknowledged him with a smile, extending his hand.

Danny, good to see you. Here to see our young lady off, eh?

Just wanted to say good bye, he said, shaking her father’s hand.

Her father was a large, athletic looking, outgoing man. He had a way about him that put people at ease. He gave Danny the impression that he thought of him as almost a member of the family or at least a close friend.

Well, don’t worry, she’ll be home again for Christmas at the latest, maybe a weekend or two in between. Then he turned to Suzy, Okay, honey, say your good byes, it’s time to hit the road.

He walked away heading to the car parked in the driveway. After double checking to see if the front door was locked his wife followed, leaving Suzy with her three friends. She hugged each in turn and kissed them all on the cheek. One of the girlfriends spoke up sadly.

God, Sues, I wish I was going with you.

Yeah, Dan thought to himself, and I wish you were going instead of her, but he said nothing. There was a pained look on Suzy’s face, almost as if she were about to cry as she wordlessly turned and walked to the car. For one brief moment Dan thought she might change her mind and stay, but his hopes faded as she got into the car and closed the door. Once they were all in, her father started the engine and backed out into the street. Dan and the Greek chorus walked to the curb and waved as the car went down the street.

So, Danny, her heard one of the girlfriends say with a giggle, what’re gonna’ do now?

He looked at the two and shrugged his shoulders with fake indifference, then turned and walked back home. He had an unsettling feeling in his stomach and knew a chapter in his life had ended. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like he was some sort of martyr to a lost love.

II  Manhattan

Suzy’s arrival at Carling erased any doubts she’d felt earlier that morning when she’d left. Everything about the city thrilled her; the noise, the crowds, the smells, everything. What she’d left behind was quickly forgotten in the excitement. Her parents were still uneasy about her choice, wishing she’d selected a larger school with a defined campus, but were glad to see her so happy. They consoled themselves by telling each other that their worries were just paranoid delusions brought on by parental angst. After all, they’d raised their daughter well and, however naive she might be, she had a good head on her shoulders and her common sense would keep her in good stead.

When they helped her take her things up to her hotel room, their misgivings were slightly alleviated when they saw the number of other resident students that were staying there. The whole floor of the building seemed to be occupied with other young academics moving in. There were even a few members of the faculty in residence. It seemed to them as if their daughter wasn’t going to be as alone in the big city as they’d thought.

To Suzy it seemed to be the best of both worlds. It was a safe domicile but without the regulations and restrictions of a formal dormitory. It made her feel like an independent adult, rather than a pampered student. She felt as if she was going to be free to live her life the way she wanted to and that suited her just fine. After she was settled in, they all went out together to eat.

They headed uptown to a restaurant her father knew about, hoping to give her one good meal before they left. They knew from there on she would be dependent on what she could heat up on the hot plate in her room, the small snack bar at the hotel, and the diner on the first floor of the building that housed Carlings. To a parent it was a sobering thought. It was a sort of farewell family dinner, each knowing there would be other family dinners, but they wouldn’t be the same. This was the last one where Suzy would be their little girl, unmarked or affected by the world. For better or worse, they knew she would be changed by the experience. Her father regretted that Suzy’s younger sister hadn’t come along for that very reason. It would have been nice to have the whole family there. He wondered if he wasn’t losing both his little girls in the same evening.

Afterwards, they dropped her off at her room, then went to a midtown hotel where they had booked a room for the night. Suzy’s first night alone in her room was strangely exciting to her. Alone, sort of, in the big city, it was something she’d been dreaming of. Even though her parents weren’t really that far away she felt as if she were finally on her own. She fished through her purse and found a pack of Salem cigarettes she’d hidden away along with a book of matches. Opening the pack, she tapped it against her hand the way she’d seen her father do, pulled one out, and lit it. She smoked it without inhaling, but it was something she’d never have done in front of her parents. Even this amateur endeavor made her feel mature and grown up; her big adventure had begun.

The following morning her parents came and took her on a bus tour of Manhattan. They said it was a good way for her to familiarize her with her new home, but in reality it was just an excuse to spend a last few hours with their daughter. The tour was actually helpful to her though, because it did give her an idea of where things were in the city. It gave her a view of all the big landmarks, the Empire State, Chrysler, and Flatiron buildings, the parks, the bridges, but also the older, less relevant places like Tin Pan Alley and the Bowery. It was these more obscure locations that fascinated her most and she was determined to go exploring them on her own.

She was especially interested when the bus passed through Greenwich Village, the land of her dreams. She was somewhat disappointed however, having envisioned it as some sort of fantasy land, a real live version of the Emerald City in the "Wizard of Oz", only to see it resembled every other section of the city. Still, she consoled herself with the thought it’s the residents, not the buildings that separated it from the rest of Manhattan.

The Times Square area also fascinated her with its crowds and traffic followed by the contrasting pastoral splendor of Central Park. She took everything in, the libraries, museums, famous restaurants, the bars and haunts of famous people. She could imagine herself frequenting all of these places. As they rode up and down the length and breadth of the island, she felt that this was now her home and she was a part of it all. She was determined she would never return to her dull hometown again for anything other than a visit.

After the tour was over, her parents went with her to the diner below Carling to have one last lunch with her before leaving. They picked the diner stating that she’d better see what it was like, since she’d probably be taking a lot of her meals there from now on. The food, typical diner fare, was actually quite good. Even though it was afternoon, her father asked if he could see the breakfast menu to satisfy his curiosity and saw it was both extensive and inexpensive, meeting with his approval.

Then, in one last gesture, her father insisted Suzy go down to Battery Park with them and take the ferry out to the Statue of Liberty, claiming he’d never been out there before. She knew he was just stalling for time, trying to delay the inevitable as long as possible. She understood and indulged him, agreeing to go. As he drove down, she had a feeling of superiority over the two of them. The big city was her home now and they were just a couple of tourists, in town for the day. Even though she had no idea of how to get to the Battery, and her father obviously did, she felt as if she were showing them around her hometown.

Suzy enjoyed walking around the Battery, finding it all rather picturesque; Castle Clinton, the old buildings, the view of the harbor, and the slips for the ferries that headed out to the statue, Staten Island, and Governor’s Island. She could easily imagine herself sitting on one of the benches, working on one of her poems, inspired by her surroundings.

On the boat ride out to the statue she looked over at the red buildings of Ellis Island, and thinking of all the immigrants that had passed through there, felt a kinship with them. After all, wasn’t she a form of immigrant herself? An internal immigrant fleeing from the tyranny of small town life and its small minded little despots, running bravely to a new world of free thinking open minded equals. She compared herself to her grandparents, on her father’s side leaving their Baltic homeland behind for the Russians and Germans to fight over, or her Mother’s people abandoning the chaos of their Mediterranean birthplace in search of stability in America. At the statue itself she remembered the Emma Lazarus poem about "Huddled masses yearning to breathe free". What was she other than someone yearning to breathe free? Perhaps, she thought to herself, in addition to poetry she should become an essayist and write down these deep thoughts to enlighten others.

Finally they reached a point where they couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer; her parents faced the fact had they had to leave her. They drove her back, parked the car as close to the hotel as they could, then walked her to the door. There they had a misty eyed farewell, as much as Suzy wanted to be alone in her new world, she hated to see them go. The reality of it all was sinking in. She watched them walk down the street to their car, when they got in and pulled away, she realized just how alone she was.

She went up to her room and looked around, it suddenly looked starkly bleak, whereas the previous nigh it had seemed exciting. Now she realized that this place was her new home, her whole world tied up in basically one room. There was no safety net, no running home to tell anyone her troubles; she was on her own for now. She was beginning to wonder if she hadn’t made a mistake. She opened the top drawer of her dresser and took out the pack of cigarettes, thinking she didn’t have to hide them anymore; her parents were gone now and if she wanted to smoke, she was free to do so.

She took one out of the pack and lit it, she wanted to practice the best way to hold it so she wouldn’t look like she’d never smoked before. The fact was she hadn’t. She had tried it a time or two with her friends, but had never considered it seriously, but now it had become a symbol of maturity in her mind. It didn’t matter that she was afraid to let her parents know that she was going to start smoking, it still made her feel like a grown up.

After her nerves and anxieties settled down, she decided to go out for a walk and explore her new surroundings. Shouldering her purse she went forth bravely in search of a cigarette lighter, an ashtray, and Greenwich Village. The ashtray and lighter were easy, she bought them both at a shop in the next block. So close in fact that she took them back to her room before continuing her expedition.

There were several problems that she didn’t realize as she walked along. The first was the Manhattan street grid doesn’t really extend down to the lower end of the island; down there the streets follow the old random pattern set in colonial days, resulting in a hodge-podge maze. The second being, like a lot of people, Suzy didn’t realize just how big Manhattan really is. The third was she had thought of the different neighborhoods as being distinct and well defined rather than as blending into each other; it was as if she expected to see signs directing her to the Village and to find a distinct border when she got there. Wandering around as she was she got lost in the labyrinth of the lower East Side and began to get frightened by it all. Turning, she retraced her path back to the hotel, stopping along the way to buy a carton of cigarettes. It was with some sense of relief she returned to the safety of her hotel room. It was there she realized she’d gotten a lighter for her cigarettes, but had forgotten to get