Sex, Murder, and Really Good Mangoes: The Total Cynic's Book of Happy Endings From Around the World

By Morgen La Civita

Romance novels are great! Who doesn't love a happy ending, right? But for a handful of us out there (not naming any names), we remain cynical about love. We've grown bored with the fairy tales, the drama, the alien lovers, the shape-shifters who may or may not be your neighbor's kid's dog. Hell, we've even managed to be bored with BDSM. *Yawn*. If you're a snarky skeptic with a short attention span, then this book's for you.

Three short novellas that take place in various parts of the world, throughout various periods in time from ancient Egypt to modern-day Philadelphia. We've got your kings, your queens, your mistresses who don't know what the hell they want. We've got your politics, your murderers and your grand theft of items no one even knew were worth anything.

We've got your interracial romance, your BBW, your LGBT. We've even got your casual stranger sex, amnesia, mistaken identity, and of course, really good mangoes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Morgen La Civita
• Release date: Sep 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463516263

Morgen La Civita

Morgen La Civita and Margaret McClure are both award-winning independent singer-songwriters, music producers, and moms. They have found success in the tough music industry, but each has had to deal with many side hustle jobs to get the bills paid. They both grew up in urban areas with plenty of bus riding, standing in lines and exposure to large crowds.Morgen is East Coast and grew up in Jersey City, NJ, lived in Queens, NY for a bit, went to a high school in Greenwich Village (after being unceremoniously expelled from two others which she would like you to know was totally not her fault), and then had to have speech therapy to lose the accent before beginning a career in voice-overs and singing because apparently, the letter “r” is a thing. She has three children and currently lives in Easton, Pennsylvania. Her hobbies include going to church (a.k.a the thrift store) vaping like there will be a vape prohibition any minute, and binge-watching depressing documentaries that pretty much make her want to put her head in an oven.Mags was born in the heart of LA and has lived most of her life on the West Coast from Hollywood to San Diego. She has logged long hours in LA traffic. Shitty cars, overcrowded buses, trains, and smelly taxis are nothing new to her. She raised two girls as a single mom, singing demos by day while doing gigs with a rock band in dive bars at night. Trips to Mexico, dogs, surfing, and yoga are her favorite things nowadays but she is not opposed to alcohol in case you were wondering. In her lifetime she has gone from living in her car to extensive worldwide traveling. Most of her air travel experience has been in back middle seats but she does value personal space and she has used her miles to upgrade to first class more than once.The pair met in a music industry forum and became friends when they noticed each other's common sense and manners which stood out as assholes outnumbered them.Morgen and Mag’s extensive life experiences and insight make them pretty fucking sure they are experts on urban etiquette, and you will be too when you read this book.Warning: Do not read this book out loud to small children unless you want to be the person solely responsible for teaching them the words “fuck”, “twat” and “jackass”. And no, we will not be releasing a clean version. Feel free to redact on your own though. Your kids could benefit from this shit.

Book preview

Sex,

Murder

& Really Good Mangoes

Morgen La Civita

Sex, Murder & Really Good Mangoes

Copyright © 2019 M. La Civita

All rights reserved.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Title Page

The Tale of the Pharaoh's Mistress

Forgotten

Inspiring Anusha

About the Author

THE TALE OF THE PHARAOH'S MISTRESS

In the halls of the ancient Egyptian palace of King Amun, Meryneith, affectionately known as Mery, made her daily runs between the kitchen, the servant’s quarters, and Queen Neferet's chambers. Being cousin to the king allowed her a certain amount of station in the king's palace, but unfortunately, that station also meant that she would most likely always be in service to the king and his bride.

Mery, in all of her piety, did not wish for more. She was pleased to be of service to Their Majesties. In their dark beauty, they were the very embodiment of the God and Goddess here on Earth. To serve them fully and completely was her duty, and she did it with great pride and humility.

She wore her dark hair in a plait of braids around her head but did not dress as ornately as the other women of her station, despite her kinship to the king. She did not paint her eyes with kohl except on special occasions or at King Amun's request. He did not request it of her often as he preferred her in her more humble and innocent ways.

Their Majesties had been betrothed since their childhood. Mery was only a girl of six when Neferet was promised to Amun. They were then bound for all eternity in marriage when they were just twelve years old. Of course, they had nannies, tutors, and servants that guided and taught them until the time came when they were old enough to rule the kingdom and produce heirs. Mery and Neferet were like sisters during that time. They played like all young girls did, and were thick as thieves until the time came for Neferet to occupy Amun's halls in the palace.

By that time, Mery has nearly grown herself and was given a place in the palace where she could be of service to her cousin and her longtime friend, the Queen Neferet. She would have preferred to serve in the Temple of Isis had she had a choice, but doing her king’s will was what the gods had chosen for her, and so she would. The king had given her chambers in the same halls where the queen lived, but he kept her equidistant to his own chambers so she could be of service to them both.

Amun and Neferet had visited each other’s chambers several times a week since they took their regency, and yet no heir was born. Mery anointed her queen’s breasts and belly with perfumed salves and cooked for her wild yams before each visit with the king. But still, no children came —no sons to carry on the royal bloodline.

It was a great honor when the king began to ask Mery to visit his chambers. While Mery herself would never take the throne, she carried the royal blood within her and was a most acceptable mistress. He would ask her to come to him right after bathing, wrapped only in linen sheets at the end of each month when the queen was approaching her moon time. Because Mery served the queen in all her needs, she was always prepared at a moment's notice to go to the king when her queen's blood was about to flow. While she prepared the Queen’s moon linens, she also prepared the linens which she would wear to visit the king.

The first night the king called for her, she was unprepared and frightened. Although a woman for some time, she still retained her maidenhead. She had hoped to someday be married with a family of her own, but her duties to her sovereignty took priority. The first night he called upon her, she'd thought he only requested her services to bring him food or fresh linens, but when she entered his chamber she found him unclothed.

She did not imagine that she would have this intimate knowledge of His Majesty himself, but if it pleased her King, it pleased her as well to yield.

That first encounter sparked a love within Mery that she had not experienced before. She loved her king as his loyal subject, but now sore and confused, she retreated to her chambers feeling a different kind of love for Amun—the love of a woman for a man. Surely these feelings were blasphemous. One would not love a god as if he were a mortal man; so loving this embodiment on Earth must certainly be equally wrong.

In the morning, Mery was summoned to Queen Neferet’s chambers. The queen sat in her favorite chair with the scooped arms adorned with gold, and the lion’s feet at the bottom of the legs. She was much more a woman than Mery—her plump hips and full breasts with dark, pointy nipples showing through her chamber gown made her look more a goddess than a woman. Her wide, almond eyes painted artfully by the other attendants made her look beautiful but imposing. Mery had never been frightened of her childhood friend, but this morning, her queen looked venomous. Her voice possessed the timbre of a woman attempting to contain her emotions while on the verge of tears or anger, which one was not evident to Mery.

Meryneith, come sit beside me. I wish to speak with you.

She extended her long brown arm, and Mery sat at the queen’s feet on the floor cushions below.

Mery lowered her eyes. My Queen, she said and kissed the palm of her outstretched hand.

Do not be afraid, Mery. Have we not been friends for many years?

Yes, My Queen. I am your lifelong friend and humble servant.

And yet, you look nervous, Mery. Is there something troubling you?

Yes, My Queen.

The kitchen girls say that they brought wine and fresh bread with sweet oil to the king’s chambers last night. The king requests these things after spilling his seed. Unless I was overcome with a walking dream last night, he did not spill his seed into me.

No, My Queen. You were not overcome. The king spilled his seed into me.

Mery began to cry, and she awaited the queen’s wrath.

The Queen's anger waned at the sight of Mery in tears. It broke her heart to see her so frightened. Amun was to blame for Neferet’s distress, and she calmed herself before speaking again.

She stepped down from her chair and knelt beside Mery on the floor. Mery was abashed at the thought of her beloved Queen kneeling beside her like a common chamber slave.

My Queen! she pleaded.

Shhhh. A queen will do as she pleases. As will a king. Come, rest your head on my breast so I might comfort you.

Mery was horrified at the thought of being allowed to touch Her Majesty in such a way, but she obeyed.

Neferet stroked Mery’s hair and kissed her head.

"My dearest friend, my cousin. You need not be afraid. Your king commanded you to serve him last night, and you obeyed. There is no shame in obeying the will of your king. I harbor no resentment towards you. It is no secret in this palace that I have been unable to conceive. It is also no secret that the king must have an heir with royal blood. You are most honored to have been taken as his consort, instead of a kitchen slave," she hissed through her teeth.

It had only just occurred to Mery that the king had had many lovers. Of course, conceiving with a house servant was out of the question, and taking preventative measures was something the servants all knew how to do; animal intestines and stomachs, or crocodile dung were kept on hand in case a man could not remove himself in time, or if he found anal intercourse distasteful. Most were very careful. The act of ridding oneself of a pregnancy was not a task to undertake lightly. In most cases, the woman, as well as the babe, perished. Only a year ago, a noblewoman died after ingesting a combination of opium and mercury she acquired from a tradesman from the Far East after an indiscretion with a stone worker.

Yes, My Queen. It weighs heavy on my heart as I love you so.

"Yes, I know it does. You have always been a most loyal friend. You are kind and chaste...well, you were anyway, she teased as she kissed Mery’s head again. Come."

The queen rose, and Mery scrambled to her feet to join her. She stood at least six inches taller than Mery, and she laid her head on her breasts when Neferet pulled her close in an embrace. She stroked her head absentmindedly and whispered:

The king will call on you again while I’m in my moon time. You must learn how to pleasure him properly while finding some pleasure for yourself as well. Men, especially kings, care nothing for a woman’s pleasure.

She kissed Mery on the mouth. It tasted both bitter and sweet. She took Mery’s hand and led her to the bed where they laid naked, breast to breast and stomach to stomach, gliding against each other’s soft and fragrant skin. They caressed each other gently until they fell helplessly into sleep.

In the morning, Mery supervised the preparation of the king and queen’s breakfast and made sure the kitchen girls delivered extra dates to Neferet. She then prepared herself for the audience with the temple priestesses that day. She felt herself growing aroused thinking about seeing Amun, and could barely stand the wait. She went about her day supervising the servants and visiting Their Majesties in the Great Hall while they listened to music and entertained guests. They were especially fond of the temple priestesses visits. They rarely left their temple home, and when they did, it was usually a greatly anticipated visit.

The priestesses of the Temple of Isis were a mystery to Mery. She had once longed to serve with them; to be an oracle herself. They were beautiful and a little frightening. They exuded wisdom and grace and everyone at the palace came to the Great Hall when they were there.

To be in their presence was to be in the presence of the Holy Queen Herself. They counseled to both royalty and slave alike and did so without judgment or pretense. The priestesses knew the ancient secrets of healing and magic and were always generous with their time. They told the story of the Gods to the children, and were especially kind to the young girls, and often offered them a place with them once they became of age. They were the very epitome of female power, and they made Mery feel safe.

Queen Neferet often asked the priestesses to intervene on her behalf to Isis in matters of fertility. They would anoint her with mysterious oils, and speak rites over her. They would then offer the king private counsel and advise him on what his future held. They would bless his reign in the name of The Great Queen and offer suggestions on how to please the Goddess.

The young priestess, Atet, was to go to the king’s private chamber for his counsel and bid Mery to join them. The king, misunderstanding, asked Mery to fetch a wine-servant. Atet waved her hand. I do not require wine, King Amun. But I do wish that your young cousin join us today.

King Amun was taken aback but conceded, and Mery gathered herself and quickly made her way to follow them. Queen Neferet’s eyes glinted with fury, as the king’s counsel with the temple priestesses was sacred and secret. Daring not to question the turn of events, Neferet bit her tongue until she tasted blood. She lowered her eyes and bowed her head to King Amun bidding him farewell, but when she walked ahead she lifted her eyes to meet Mery’s, and Mery shivered with fear.

Inside King Amun’s meeting chamber, there was a large stone chair painted in gold and bearing the crown of Isis that honored her sister Hathor. The walls were covered in hand-painted pictures depicting the story of Isis tricking Ra into revealing his name. In her hands, Isis held the snake, while Ra bled waiting for her antidote. Ra, in agony, rested his bird head on the arm of his throne; lips pursed and whispering his secret to her, giving her ultimate power over all. In the next painting, Isis stood, wings spread, in victory.

Pedestals were scattered around the room: hard stone pillars with u-shaped tops where one would rest their head during sleep. Mery waited for Atet to sit upon one before taking a seat herself. Atet fanned her long white dress with golden veil out around the seat and smoothed her lap with her hands. Wordless, she raised her head and waited. Mery looked nervously from Atet to King Amun, waiting for someone to speak.

Priestess, I will know the meaning of this intrusion on my private counsel, demanded Amun.

Atet did not answer immediately. Her eyes were fixed on Mery’s. Mery could hear her!

Child, if it is your wish to join us, I will speak for you. I know the King’s intentions for you. You need not be afraid. Your sisters and your Mother are with you.

Mery was in disbelief but answered silently, I will do my King’s will.

Atet abruptly broke her gaze and looked to Amun.

"King Amun, I come to offer Meryneith a place in the Temple in Philae. I believe it is in her heart to join us, but she will