Hamlet Millennial Translation

By Nick James

Okay you have to yeet this play. It is on fleak and will remain that way for all time. If you have never read Hamlet then it's probably because the language is so old and crusty. This is the Hamlet you want and need and have been secretly craving it but never knowing it. 

Hamlet comes home from school to find out his THOT Uncle murdered his pops, married his mom, and stole his crown. Hamlet is beyond and doesn't know what to do when his ghost dad shows up and tells him he has to throw down and take revenge. Now Hamlet has to figure out how to take out his snake of an uncle, deal with his bae, call out his bros, and act like he is insane in the membrane. 

Read the best Shakespeare play ever in a way you can understand it's entirity. 

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Nick James
• Release date: Jul 18, 2019
• ISBN: 9781393841609

Nick James

Inspired by the big drama and snappy dialogue of comic books and graphic novels by Brian K. Vaughan and Brian Michael Bendis, Nick James began writing at a young age. His love of fast-paced storytelling led to his action-packed science fiction series for young adults, Skyship Academy. James grew up in the small island town of Anacortes, Washington. He graduated from Western Washington University in 2006 and currently works as a substitute teacher in Bellingham.

Book preview

Act 1 Scene 1 Recap

A guard, Bernardo, relives another guard, Francisco, of his shift and invites two people, Marcellus and Horatio, to hang out with him during his shift. Marcellus is a guard and Horatio is a nobleman.

The two guards, Bernardo and Marcellus, have seen a ghost and then told Horatio about it. Horatio, the nobleman, doesn’t believe it, at all, and kinda mocks them for believing in ghost. The two guards tell Horatio that is it real and he is going to be scared when he sees it. He is all yeah okay in his most sarcastic tone, but when a ghost DOES show up and Horatio almost goes all brown pants. Marcellus teases Horatio and convinces him into speaking with the ghost which he does, but the ghost doesn’t speak back, probably because it’s a ghost and they don’t speak unless you have a recorder and get an EVP or something like that.

The two guards continue to mock Horatio for being scared and then get serious asking him if he thought it looked like the king that died before the play began. Horatio is all, yeah it totally does. Marcellus then ask Horatio to start a flashback so he and I suppose us, can understand the backstory of the play so we can find the story more intriguing. 

Horatio tells him that Denmark was at war with Norway. Why Marcellus, a guard of Denmark doesn't know this idk. Anyway, Norway was the one who attacked first and Denmark was just defending themselves. During the war, the King of Norway signed to a contract saying that if he was defeated then all of Norway would then be owned by Denmark.

It wasn’t a good plan, and sure enough Hamlet kills the king of Norway, earning all of Norway for Denmark. Well the king’s son, I assumed named Joffrey, rejects the contract and forms a gang of hooligans to attack Denmark to reclaim Norway. This is why we have the guards in the beginning of the play watching over everything. It also is a way to introduce Hamlet and show that he is a bad ass.

Anyway, the ghost returns and Horatio being brave tries to talk to the ghost again. Marcellus tries to sneak up on the ghost...and stab it, but can’t, probably because it’s a ghost. These guys don’t know jack about ghost. To be fair this is set between 1300-1500 AD, and Ghost Hunters would not be on tv for another 5 to 7 hundred years. Anyway, the ghost leaves after they try killing it, which is hysterical. They all regroup and decide to go tell Hamlet. Then the scene ends.

Scene 2

Music. Enter Claudius, King of Denmark, Gertrude the

Queen Gertrude, the Council, as Polonius, and his son Laertes,

Hamlet, with others, among them Voltemand and

Cornelius.

THOT KING

1 Emo Hamlet over here is still upset over his father’s death. We all understand his behavior, as the whole kingdom is saddened by the loss of our king. The wise will always reflect on their own life when death is around. With that in mind, we turn to my part time sister, now our Queen. She was at war with her emotions. She was very conflicted and trying to balance those emotions. She was happy at the funeral and sad at her wedding, but she is now my wife. We thank you all for understanding what we all have gone through.

Now young Fortinbras, thinking Denmark would be in chaos due to our King’s death dreamed up this idea, and even sent us a message, that we should give back the lands his father lost. However, we are going to keep them. Sorry, not sorry.

Now so we all can move on, I have papers here to be sent to Norway, to the uncle of young Fortinbras. I’ll admit he is old and feeble, and barely knows anything that Fortinbras does, but nonetheless I am asking him to tell his nephew to stop it. It’s over. He lost. Cornelius and Voltemand, I give you these papers to deliver to Norway. The only power I am giving you is to deliver these papers, nothing else.

Giving them a paper

35 Now go on, leave, quick like a bunny and go do your job. 

CORNELIUS/VOLTEMAND

40 Yes sir. We will do as we are told.

THOT KING

45 I don’t doubt it. Safe travels.

Voltemand and Cornelius exit

Laertes, you had something to say. Go on, speak, you cannot make a request and then lose your voice. What did you want? The head is not useful to the heart and the hand does not serve than mouth any more than the Denmark throne is useful to my father, who is dead, and that is the point... What would you like Laertes?

LAERTES

55 Sir, I wish your permission and blessing to return to France. I was living there but came to Denmark out of respect for your coronation, but I, must confess, now that is it over, I desire to return to France and respectfully request your forgiveness in those desires.

THOT KING

How does your father feel? What do you say Polonius?

POLONIUS

60 Every night and day he pestered me to leave. I beg you, let him go just so I don’t have to hear here whine any more.

THOT KING

65 Yes, Laertes go and live your best life in France. But now, my friend Hamlet, and my son...

HAMLET

He’s a little too familiar than I would like.

THOT KING

What is still bothering you?

HAMLET

Nothing, sir, I am happy. Oh, so happy!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

70 My son Hamlet forget being so sad and be happy again. I don’t want you to forever mourn your father. You know all who live must die someday.

HAMLET

75 Yes, mom, I know.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Why do you seem so emo then?

HAMLET

80 Seems mom. No, I am. It doesn’t not seem that way. It is not just the black eye shadow, MOM. Or the all black clothes I wear. Or the dark poems I write. Or the moaning music I listen to. Or the MELANCHOLY behavior I show. Together with all their forms, moods, and shapes...of grief, are who I am. I may seem emo, but these are the actions of someone who is EMO, mom. And I know this is a phase, but I’m doing it for DAD, okay!

THOT KING

90 You are a sweet boy, Hamlet, to mourn your father like this, but you must know that your father’s father died, and his father died, and his father died, and so on. It is a son’s duty to mourn his father’s death, but to go on like you have and to behave like you have is not manly.

It makes you seem weak, unfocused, and stupid. We know everyone dies, and it is heartless to say, but it is true, we must not worry ourselves too much with the dead. You are offending heaven, the dead, and even nature itself, by not accepting that father’s die. You have to accept in life that stuff happens that we don’t like. I ask you to forget all of your grief and accept me as your new father. For you are next in line to the throne. Let me treat you like a son.

With that being said I do have to bring up your plans of going back to school in Wittenberg. It is not what your mother and me want. We want you here, happy with us, the apple of my eye, my favorite, friend and our son.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

120 Don’t break your mother’s heart Hamlet. I ask you stay here. Don’t go to school in Wittenberg.

HAMLET

I will never leave you mother.

THOT KING

125 Why that is a loving and great response! Now we can be ourselves. Gertrude, my Queen, my wife, let’s go. Hamlet’s response makes me happy. Let’s go drink and be merry before the thunderstorms come. Let’s all go!

Music. All but Hamlet exit

HAMLET, writing in diary

135 Dear Diary, I wish my spoiled flesh would melt from my bones into a cesspool or that God did not forbid suicide, like I care what he thinks anyway. How boring, stale, and ratchet is the whole world to me. It is a garden of weeds that continues to grow. Only the worst and grosses things want it.

How did this happen? Two months dead, not even two months, my dad, my king was full of life, loved my mom so much he would curse the sun if it was too bright on my mom’s face. Am I the only one who remembers that she was so clingy to him? She would Facebook stock him 24/7 if she could. Then within a month, she forgets him. The shoes she first wore to his funeral weren’t even broken in. Animals mourn longer than she did, and then she marries my Uncle!

My father’s brother. He is no more my father than I am like The Rock. Within a month of the last tear to leave her eye she married. It was wicked fast to jump into bed with my uncle. I see no good from this. My heart breaks but I have to keep this to myself. Gosh, first world problems.

Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Barnardo

HORATIO

What’s up Hamlet!

HAMLET

You are looking dank. Horatio? Or are you fronting?

HORATIO

165 In the flesh, just your poor friend as ever.

HAMLET

How are you doing dude? I would much rather be you than me. And why are you here from Wittenberg? Horatio? Marcellus!

MARCELLUS

It is good to see you.

HAMLET

170 It’s great seeing you.

HAMLET To BERNARDO

Hello new friend.

But Horatio, why are you all here from Wittenberg?

HORATIO

I am skipping school, my friend.

HAMLET

175 I hope your teachers don’t find out and I wish you didn’t tell me that because I don’t want to rat you out. I know you are a good student. What brings you to Elsinore? I will teach you how to get crunk before you leave.

HORATIO

Dude, I came for your father’s funeral.

HAMLET

180 Don’t mock me. You were here for my mother’s wedding.

HORATIO

Yeah that happened quick.

HAMLET

185 Super quick. The funeral meats were barely cold before they were served for the wedding. I would not of wished that on my worst enemy Horatio! My dad. I think I see my father.

HORATIO

Where buddy?

HAMLET

In my mind’s eye, Horatio.

HORATIO

I saw him once. He was a good king.

HAMLET

190 He was a man. He had good and bad parts, but I will never see him again.

HORATIO

So, ah, dude, I think I saw him last night.

HAMLET

Saw who?

HORATIO

Dude, the King, your father.

HAMLET

195 The King is my father? JK

HORATIO

Shut it for a second and let me speak and I will tell you the craziness we all saw.

HAMLET

200 Jesus man tell me then!

HORATIO

205 For two nights Marcellus and Barnardo, while they were on duty, and in the middle of the night, they saw, a ghost, a ghost that looked like your father. It was a full body apparition that slowly walked in front of them. Three times he walked in front of their shocked and scared eyes. He was so close they could touch him; buy they were too afraid to move or speak to him. They told me this in secret and on the third night I stood guard with them. I didn’t believe them at first, but sure enough the ghost did appear. It was your father. I know it like I know the back of my hand.

HAMLET

But where was this?

Marcellus

Sir, it was where we guard.

HAMLET

220 Did you not speak to it?

HORATIO

225 Dude, I did but it did not respond. I thought once that it was going to. It lifted its head and was about to speak, but then the rooster crowed and like that he was gone.

HAMLET

That’s so weird!

HORATIO

230 As I live and breathe this happened. We thought you should know about it

HAMLET

Indeed, dude. This is fed up. Are you on duty tonight?

ALL

235 Yes, dude.

HAMLET

Are all of you armed?

ALL

We are all strapped, don’t fret about it.

HAMLET

From head to toe?

ALL

We got this. Don’t worry.

HAMLET

But you didn’t see his face, right?

HORATIO

240 Dude, I totally did.

HAMLET

Did he look upset?

HORATIO

He looked more sad than angry.

HAMLET

Was he pale or red?

HORATIO

He was pale as a ghost. Do you know what a ghost looks like?

HAMLET

245 And you saw him looking at you?

HORATIO

It was like we were having a staring contest.

HAMLET

Oh, I wish I was there.

HORATIO

Your mind would have been blown.

HAMLET

I don’t doubt it. Did it stay long?

HORATIO

250 About a hunnit.

BARNARDO/MARCELLUS

Not much longer.

HORATIO

Not when I saw it.

HAMLET

Did he have a shaggy beard?

HORATIO

255 Nah dude. It was like how it was in life. All grey.

HAMLET

I will come and hang out tonight. Maybe we will see a ghost!

HORATIO

Oh, we will.

HAMLET

260 If it takes the form of my father, I will speak to it. Hell, itself, will have to stop me. I ask all of you that if you haven’t spoken about this to