Lubrican's Humor

By Robert Lubrican

What is erotica?
It's sexy stories ... right? It's stories that make you want to HAVE sex ... right?
So what happens to the people WRITING these sexy stories? I mean they must want to have sex pretty much non-stop ... right?
And I don't care who he/she is, the most perfect mate in the whole WORLD doesn't want to have you pawing him/her every twenty minutes because of all the hot stuff that keeps flowing onto the paper (or computer screen) in front of you, from your oh, so sexy mind.

So what to do every twenty minutes instead of have actual sex?

Why masturbate! Of course!

Which is why these two COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC, ENTIRELY SERIOUS and EXTENSIVELY RESEARCHED SCHOLARLY manuals on masturbation are being made available to you, so that, just in case YOU become an author of erotica some day, or maybe just want to have sex, but can't because there's nobody around to have sex with. One is for the males out there, and the other is for the females.

And even if you don't masturbate (I hear those people saying "Ewwwwww" right now) then trust me, you'll have PLENTY of unique and catchy conversational tidbits to share at your next cocktail party.

After the Treatise on Male Masturbation and the Treatise on Female Masturbation are finished, you may WANT to become an author of erotica, so Bob has thoughtfully provided a thorough and complete manual on exactly how to do that. Follow his rules of writing erotica and you'll have more women than Hugh Haffgner or more men than Lady Gag Gag hanging all over you. Who are Hugh Haffgner and Lady Gag Gag? They're just some people I know, who read the manual and wrote some extremely hot stories and will be really really famous some day. Why did they name themselves Hugh Haffgner and Lady Gag Gag?

Read the manual and all will be explained.

Warning: This isn't humor for those under the age of eighteen. It has bad words in it, people!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Lubrican
• Release date: Jan 2, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463281482

Robert Lubrican

I grew up in the fifties and sixties, and that is reflected in my books quite often. I spent twenty years in law enforcement, and traveled the world, which also can be seen in my books and stories. While the genre I write in is technically called erotic romance, what I actually write are stories with a plot, which include sexual behavior on the part of the characters. That is because most people's lives include sex and erotic gratification. And, since most people wonder about lifestyles that are sometimes called taboo, or forbidden, I write about them, occasionally too. I believe that two consenting adults know more about their own happiness than anyone else, and that even if they are mistaken, they have the right to make their own choices. I also believe that love is the key to making choices that will not turn out to be mistakes.Many of my ideas involve coming of age, which usually takes place in the early to mid teens. Publishing standards, however, require that all characters in the published version of the book be over 18. That's not realistic, but it's just the way things are. If you purchase one of my books and would like to have the original version, unedited for age, send a copy of your receipt to [e-mail] and I'll happily provide you with a copy of the original at no additional cost. It is not illegal to write or possess such versions. It's just unpopular with certain special interest groups who desire to restrict your freedom.

Book preview

Lubrican's Humor

(Hopefully)

by Robert Lubrican

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2019 Robert Lubrican

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Rights to use cover art purchased at istock.com

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Table of Contents

A Treatise on (male) Masturbation

A Treatise on Female Masturbation

Beating Off Bob's Guide To Writing Really Bad Erotica

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A Treatise On Masturbation

by Beating Off Bob

(AKA Robert Lubrican)

Editorial Comment: This piece was written at a time when the pen name the author used was Beating Off Bob. It's possible a few of you may remember that name. For others, it will seem odd, or foreign. But that's the name he started writing under. He chose that name, back then, because he wrote what he thought of as stroke stories, and his pen name was chosen to fit with that. Later, he began to write longer and more involved romances, and the admittedly crass pen name no longer fit. But, because of the content of this treatise, Beating Off Bob is the name that should go with this story, so it has been left that way.

Author's Comment: This treatise received the expert, scholarly editorial attention of Miss Stormy Weather, to whom I am indebted. Were it polite to suggest that she is one worth Pulling the Pud for, I would, for she is indeed a jewel. But, seeing as how it's not polite to talk that way about a lady ... of course I won't.

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Hi folks, Beating Off Bob here. I've been made aware by some that my pen name, which is, I admit, a rather base and crude name, is somewhat off putting to those of you with a delicate nature. But there's a reason I chose that name.

You see, pretty near everybody masturbates at one time or another in his or her life. It usually happens the very first time when something feels good and we want it to keep feeling good, so we just keep doing what feels good. It's kind of a natural way to feel good. And, eventually, it's like a box of Cracker Jack - there's a nice surprise at the end!

I mean, think about it. We don't bang our thumbs with a hammer on a routine basis. That doesn't feel good. It's not natural. Everybody scratches, or yawns or stretches. It's just natural ... and it feels good. It's the same thing with Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears. It just feels good. And it's a good way to Get in Touch with Yourself and ... you know ... Discover Your Own Potential.

But people don't like to talk about masturbation. And worse still, people don't think about how complicated it is, or how important it can be to do it right.

So I decided to write down some thoughts, so that, the next time you contemplate Wrestling the Bald-headed Champ (if you're a guy) or Paddling the Pink Canoe (for you gals), you can do a better job at it. Having thrown a bone to the girls, so to speak, let me say up front that following this treatise, I'll address female masturbation more completely. This is going to be hard enough to get through as it is. Mixing genders would just make it ridiculous.

Now, as my primary pen name suggests, I am not inexperienced with the concept of Battling the Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger that I was born with. A penis is an interesting thing. Women tell me that, which is understandable, but it's pretty interesting to the owner too.

There are basically two kinds, and that means that when you plan on Charming the Cobra, you have to pay attention to which kind you have. If your parents participated in the time honored ritual of having you circumcised, you can Chafe the Weasel if you're not careful. A little lubrication goes a long way toward Changing Your Oil without Leaving Skid Marks on the Pink Panther.

In the Other Hand, you have your just plain, generic prick, with all the original upholstery in good condition, and Buffing the Banana in that situation doesn't Strain the Peel at all. As a matter of fact, if you have undamaged goods, too much oil can be a very bad thing when Engaging in Friction Therapy.

Just a quick word about acceptable lube for those who need it. When Launching the Tadpoles, don't be a cheap ass and just spit in your hand. If you're going to be Greasing the Flagpole, at least take a little pride in what you put in your hand.

Now, once you've decided to Mind Your Own Business, and, if necessary, have acquired the needed lube to Operate the Pump Action Porridge Gun, then technique comes into play.

It's not necessary to Beat Your Meat Like it Owes you Money. Anybody