The Happy Rovers Bicycle Thief Gang

By John-Philip Penny

What could be more dangerous than daily life in the Victorian English city of Penny Dreadful? Not much, as it turns out, what with rogue killer balloons about, as well as petti-coated ladies so comely that one can die simply by looking at them; not to mention the sudden and unexpected fits of breathless hysteria that often fell their victims. And we must not forget that greatest menace of all, the Happy Rovers Bicycle Thief Gang, who roam the peaceful countryside in search of Penny-Farthing plunder.

Welcome to a place where strange and oddball happenings are an everyday affair, and come along on a jaunty romp through this madcap, and darkly witty world. But keep in mind that though these stories may just be the fevered daydreams of their delightfully eccentric author, he has no doubt that by the end of the book, you will wish such a place really did exist.

• Language: English
• Publisher: John-Philip Penny
• Release date: Jan 3, 2019

John-Philip Penny

Hello, and thank you for checking out my books! And thank you also to all of you who have already read and enjoyed my previous titles.So far, I have published two stories, the first being 'Panzerfaust: The Fall of Nazi Germany,' and then 'Blood of a Barbarian.' Both have sold more copies than I ever dreamed of, and I am very happy about that, and grateful. My plan is to write a whole series of books set in ancient Rome, ancient Egypt, WW2 and WW1. I am even thinking of a couple of stories set during the times of the Knights. Some of my titles will be stand alone books, while most will be part of an ongoing series. 'Blood of a Barbarian,' for example, is just the first in a series of five novellas. It usually takes me two to three months to complete a new work, so please bare with me while I work on the next installment. Next up, I have a tale set in the ancient lands of Egypt, and it will be out well before Christmas, 2016. After that, I have some more ideas for WW2 stories, and then back to my gladiator series.To tell you something about myself, I got interested in writing by reading a great deal of history when I was a child. I like the idea of stepping back into time, and living in the skin of a historical person, even if only one I have made up. After serving in the militia, I then took a degree in art at OCAD in Toronto, then spent the next decade travelling and mountaineering. These foreign excursions encouraged me all the more towards wanting to write, and I love to include things I've actually seen in real life, and experienced. I hope that you will enjoy my books as much as I enjoy writing them!

Book preview

THE HAPPY ROVERS BICYCLE THIEF GANG

& Other Stories

A Penny Dreadful Book

By

John-Philip Penny

THE LONG-AWAITED CARRIAGE RIDE

All that week long young Melvina-Rose had looked forward to the Sunday ride in the family carriage with her beloved mother and father. When at last Sunday came, they all piled into the carriage, and put the impatient horses into motion. Unfortunately, their driver, a man by the name of Vernon, was a notorious drunk, and he had already imbibed half a bottle of gin that very morning. The party swerved to and fro all down the country lane as Vernon sang loudly and merrily and harangued innocent passersby. Melvina-Rose's father was not amused, and shouted at Vernon to make him slow down, but this only seemed to spur the man on to even greater excesses of speed and wantonness, until finally he lost control altogether, and the carriage crashed into a large spruce tree. Melvina-Rose died instantly, while all the others sustained life-threatening injuries.

BREEDING SEASON

When the beginning of breeding season is finally upon us, we are none of us unprepared. We have everything we need to see us through: Sir Renwick Clebert has the servants trim the overgrown hedges for the third time; Reginald Sykes, who has just returned after a long sojourn in India, is left to prepare the spiced teas; Lady Grey assembles the finest show of Parisian haute-couture yet seen on these shores; Brandiwald Brainy polishes all the brass knobs on his brand-new horseless-carriage; Oriental rugs are unearthed and unfurled; while within the library, volumes concerning the feeding habits of Egrets are consulted; all the urns have been checked and re-checked; the pond-beds dredged, and the ear-pieces tuned. Now let us stand aghast with wonder and amazement within the sculpture garden, where animals of paradise disport themselves upon the well-manicured lawn.

THE MATING CALL

Every night, and all night long through the month of May, the sounds of echoing mating cries can be heard everywhere. It is not uncommon, when out of an evening, to see a fellow suddenly stop himself in mid-stride, then lean his head back, and begin crowing and whooping loudly in the characteristic manner. He may keep this up for as long as twenty minutes each night, over a period of twenty days, or until he has attracted his ideal mate. Being just a young man myself, I have not yet mastered the call, and all that comes out when I tentatively try is a dry sort of croaking sound. This will surely not attract any females, and so it is necessary to observe the more experienced men as they go on their rounds, walking sticks in hand, strolling down the boulevard, and tipping their hats to the ladies in an ever-so-unrestrained fashion.

THE BALLOON RIDE

One day a big red balloon floated down out of the sky, and blew breezily through the streets of the town of Wyre Piddle. Tied to it's bottom was a long piece of string, which trailed lazily along behind it like a slithering tail. Soon, all the town children had begun to chase the balloon through the narrow cobblestone alleys, and even out into the outlying farmers' fields. One little girl, named Myrtle, was faster than all the rest, and she managed to catch hold of the string, and clasped it tightly, even as a strong gust of wind lifted the balloon high up into the air. At first, she squeeled with delight, as her friends became smaller and smaller far below her feet, but then began to cry as her arms started to weaken under the strain of gripping the string. In vain she held on; within moments a swoon overcame her, and she was forced to let go, thereby plunging to her death.

Myrtle was just the first of seven children who were killed in like manner by this balloon over the course of a single day.

THE HAPPY ROVERS

BICYCLE THIEF GANG

Should you be riding peacefully on your bicycle down a quiet country lane on a sunny afternoon in spring, you must be wary, for it is at just such a time as this that the Happy Rovers Bicycle Thief Gang is most likely to strike! Their favoured method of attack is to string a long piece of fishing wire across the path, which they tie to two trees. Being caught unawares, you will tumble to the ground as you run into this trap, and will lie there in a sort of dazed befuddlement. It is then that the gang will suddenly spring from the bushes from whence they have been hiding, and will make off with your brand new bicycle before you have a chance to come to your senses.

THE FATAL BEAUTY

Hesperia Kettlesby was an extraordinarily beautiful, but also a very kindly person, and would surely have been aghast at the thought that her comeliness would ever have made her the cause of anyone else's tragedy. And yet she was it. Take, for example, the time when she was walking down the avenue, shopping for petticoats, when a young cyclist suddenly became so entranced by her shapely, yet modestly attired form, that he proceeded to ride right under the wheels of a passing carriage. Some years later, Baron Gaspard de Desnoyers and a disreputable bachelor by the name of Algernon Beauregard fought a secret duel over her, a duel so secret that they didn't even tell Hesperia about it. The baron was killed, skewered upon a sabre at dawn, while Beauregard carried an ugly scar across his roguishly handsome face for the rest of his life. Still later, an entire family perished, along with their Bichon Frise lapdog, when a careless driver, no doubt swerving the wheel of his lorry in order to get