Global Warming: the Iceman Cometh (And Other Cultural Takes)

By Donald R. Loedding

19th Annual Writer’s Digest Self-Published book Awards
Author: Donald R. Loedding title: The Search For The Bearded Clam
Category: Nonfiction Judge: 54
Scale 1-5 with 5 Excellent\
Structure and Organization: 5
Grammar: 5
Judge’s commentary: This collection of personal experiences, droll tales of somewhat less accuracy, and a wide-ranging series of mini-editorials, journal entries, and other free-ranging commentary on a multitude of subjects is likely to engage the sustained interest of many readers. The author is remarkably candid and writes in an earthy fashion that’s often quite humorous. The smorgasbord of subjects takes in sex and love, parents and children, radiological warfare and waste, geological surveys, field trips, living and working in Latin America, Hawaii, the Olympic Games, etc. A good deal of practical information is woven into the material, and a full life is dissected in many small chapters.
Amazon Customer Reviews
I enjoyed this book so much. This is a man that is extremely entertaining for those who are adult enough to listen. The stories are great and full of fun. What a truly full life he has lived and we are lucky to have been able to share his life through his stories. Only read this if you want to laugh and have fun.

This is a wonderful book filled with all kinds of life’s experiences from one man who has an open mind. It will show you how to laugh at life. It is also a very creative book that is filled with different stories and an added input of humor that is hard to put down.

…is a very good read. A person that is not easily offended and just wants a good laugh will thoroughly enjoy this book. Along with the laughs are some truly heartfelt stories that will make you wanna cry.

This collection of one man’s life adventures goes from the sublime to the ridiculous and it’s all true. Larch covers some serious topics and some for fun, all from his point of view based on seventy-five years of hands on experience and higher education of the bookish nature. A sense of humor and an open minded perspective is required of the reader, depending on the essay. This potpourri is for those who want a vicarious get away based on intelligent observations and a thumb-your-nose, can-do attitude against all odds and traditions. A fair mix of fact and fiction, he lets you know the difference. Go for it.
Barnes&Noble
This book is one of the most entertaining I have read in a long time. It’s not often you come across one that will make you laugh, cry and cuss all at the same time. So many of the stories are ones that you wish were you own to tell. Then there is some that if it was a movie you’d have to cover your eyes. You haven’t lived till you have read chapter three of The Search For The Bearded Clam!

A very interesting and entertaining mixture of fact, fiction, and knowledge are in these short stories and articles. He has apparently had far from a boring life! With his wits, humor, vocabulary, and sensitivity, he could describe a crack of dawn as the most beautiful experience of nature or as a fat woman wearing hip huggers. You don’t know what to expect when you start reading a selection from this book. Great reading! Read it and get to know who he is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 14, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481722278

Donald R. Loedding

My pen name is LARCH from the eastern version of the western Tamarack tree, thus my stories are Barks of LARCH. Donald R. Loedding was an Army Chemical Corps officer for 8 ½ years with honorable discharge as captain; was an Exploration Geologist in the Hawaiian Islands in the mid-1950’s; in the mid- 1960’s did market development for boron filament composites in aerospace like the stealth fighter with commercial applications like fishing rods, golf club shafts and other high stress light weight applications which carried over to carbon filament products; lived and worked in Central America and Colombia 1968 to 1974 with Texaco Latin America Sales Division; has been a real estate broker for 34 years in Georgia, Colorado, and Idaho; owned horses for trail riding, hunted Elk, deer, pigs, and taught marketing, finance and geology courses as Adjunct Instructor in Colorado, Arkansas, and Georgia over 38 years, writer of short stories over 30 years.

Book preview

Global Warming:

The Iceman Cometh

(and other cultural takes) 

Donald R. Loedding

LARCH

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2013 by Donald R. Loedding. All rights reserved.

Front photo by Donald R. Loedding

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

This book is a work of non-fiction and fiction. All names, characters, and incidents, as well as the dialogue and stories are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, either living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/12/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-2226-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-2227-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013903709

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Author

Kudos

A 75Th Birthday Party: Muslim Style

Adios, 2011

Appetizer

Avon Sales In A Bikers’ Bar

Baby Elephant’s Trunk

Bailout

Beaver

Beginning Of Life

Bird And Fish Kills

Bp, The Scape Goat

Butchers’ Delight: Packaged Mother-In-Law

Carbon Cap-And-Trade

Caribe

Cash And Carry-Off

Chemical, Biological And Radiological Warfare Threats Within: Food And Disease

Christmas Is In The Air

Class Reunion

The Complexities Of Climate

Composites

Computer Geek And The English Teacher

Condom Tax

Defective Dildo Crisis

Deficit, No Mas

Earthquakes And Oil, Gas Drilling

Environmentalists Are Harmful

Ethanol Boondoogle

F. A. R. T

Fukawee Indians: The Lost Arkansas Tribe

Funding Wars Or Social Security/Medicare

Afghan And Iraq Estimated Costs For 2009

G.E.S.T.A.P.O.

Global Warming: The Ice Man Cometh

God, Why Woman?

Id And Soul

Iran’s Nuclear

Jack’s Oak Grade General Store, Colorado

Japan Radiation

Jesus Christ

Jim

Job Creating Projects: 2012 +

Mexico’s Pawning Off Texas And California

Mom

My Doctor Retires

National Energy Action

Nudist Style 5K Run

Olympia

Penny, The Plankton

Peoples’ Struggle

Pissed Off Pope

Presidential Election 2012

Refloat New Orleans?

Religions Kill

Secret Service Uncovers $47 Ho

Sophisticated Prospectings

Submarine Bumper Boats

Super Bowl 2012

Tail Hook Party

The 2009 Iran Presidential Election

The 20Th Century

The Complexities Of A Modern Bordello

The Golden Age

Tsa: Junk Handlers

U. S. Forces Invade The Vatican

Ufos Are Real

Westcliffe, Colorado: The Town Too Tough For Underwear

Woman With Alcohol Creating Pancreas

Zoning Is Police Power

AUTHOR

My pen name is LARCH from the eastern version of the western Tamarack tree, thus my stories are Barks of LARCH. Donald R. Loedding was an Army Chemical Corps officer for 8 ½ years with honorable discharge as captain; was an Exploration Geologist in the Hawaiian Islands in the mid-1950’s; in the mid-1960’s did market development for boron filament composites in aerospace like the stealth fighter with commercial applications like fishing rods, golf club shafts and other high stress light weight applications which carried over to carbon filament products; lived and worked in Central America and Colombia 1968 to 1974 with Texaco Latin America Sales Division; has been a real estate broker for 34 years in Georgia, Colorado, and Idaho; owned horses for trail riding, hunted Elk, deer, pigs, and taught marketing, finance and geology courses as Adjunct Instructor in Colorado, Arkansas, and Georgia over 38 years, writer of short stories over 30 years.

Also By Donald R. Loedding

The Search For The Bearded Clam

"WHEN YOU FALL OFF THE HORSE OF LIFE,

GIT BACK ON AND RIDE LIKE HELL!"

KUDOS

Sandra S. Korey, my children: Dirk, Erik, Lisa, followers of my stories: all endured my stories on the edge of insults and warmth. If my stories make some cry, smile, cuss, or think, then I have communicated.

A 75TH BIRTHDAY PARTY: MUSLIM STYLE

(A Bark of LARCH)

After planning a party for my 70th birthday, I rented a phone booth for the anticipatory revelers of family and friends. Only Hoss Lewis showed up with his feisty girl friend. Now on August 28, 2008, I reach the age of 75, a three-quarters of a century achievement defying laws of nature in hunting, camping, horseback riding, imbibing in the nectar of the gods (booze), corporate back stabbing, wandering in Hawaiian rain forests, proliferating the image of gringo feo (ugly American) in Central and South America for six years, and fending off hordes of female real estate agents with questionable ethics as a real estate broker for 30 years.

After scanning the Koran and meditating on my Catholic upbringing and association with lower Christians, both thumping and non-thumping Bible types, I had the vision of my wandering ways in adventures, lust, love, investments, fast foods, cheap whiskey, and pepperoni pizzas with anchovies. No more renting phone booths for family and friends nor awaiting bearers of gifts from the post office, UPS, and Federal Express. Yes, I decided to transcend religious and racial barriers by having a let it all hang out Muslim birthday party.

After a few international phone calls, I rented twenty (20) Nubian, Muslim, young virgins (age 60 or less). They readily agreed on running naked through my pastures while I poured Old Crow bourbon on my 75 year old body with its many cracks, crevices, and creases, and listened with my poor hearing as they slurped me dry. They brought me a birthday cake worthy of a Sheik with Viagra pills as icing. More bourbon, more slurping, but I should have hired a snake charmer from India to raise my member which had more rings than a 600 year old Redwood tree. My bible thumping neighbors in this Arkansas village cast off their clothes and devils, climbed over the fence screaming, We believe, we believe. The breach between Christianity and Nations has been broached.

I can still hear the sirens of the ambulances as they carted off the weary, the tired, and the dead, but all with a smile from ear to ear. Never thought I had so many wrinkles in my birthday suit.

At age 75 I no longer yearn for younger women and older whiskey, but only for any woman and any whiskey as in my youth.

ADIOS, 2011

(A Bark of LARCH)

1. Japan: 58,000 died in earthquake and tsunami. Radioactivity will cause illnesses and kill thousands over 40 years.

2. Philippine floods killed 1,100 plus. Also floods in Bangladesh, Thailand, India, and South America.

3. U.S. vehicle deaths 40,000; estimated 300,000 injured.

4. Mexico: at least 46,000 killed in drug war since 2006.

5. Osama bin Laden bit the bullet, or two. Trespassing in Pakistan pays off, especially with Navy Seals and hi-tech helicopters.

6. Iraq war ended with 4,500 U.S. troops killed, over 30,000 injured since 2003. No count on NATO forces or Iraq casualties. Thanks George, Cheney, Rumsfeld.

7. Afghan war continues since 2001, over 2,000 U.S. troops killed; no count on kills or injured for NATO troops, Afghan citizens. Americans thought they were better than Russians’ ten years failure in a tribal country without a working central government for over 1,000 years. George Bush’s Vietnam.

8. U.S. tornadoes kill hundreds, many injured, hundreds homeless, millions of dollars property damage in Joplin, Missouri, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia. Homeland Security’s FEMA and insurance companies drag feet as with Katrina since 2005. About 30 countries get more Federal funds than our own people.

9. Volcanic eruptions in Iceland, Peru, Chile, Indonesia and elsewhere killing people and emitting silica ash harder than steel for destroying lungs in humans and animals, and engines, with sulfuric gases, methane, and carbon dioxide to the atmosphere for floating around the world for years causing acid rain and snow to damage crops, trees, humans, animals, and affecting lower global temperatures. Krakatoa in 1883 lowered world temperatures by 3 degrees F… June 15, 1991, Mount Pinatubo in the Philippine island of Luzon exploded with the volcano’s gas cloud lowering global temperatures by a degree for three years (that’s just one volcano).

10. The Arab Spring revolutions in Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Syria, Somalia. How many killed and injured? Will anarchy, Islamic control, or democracy survive?

11. U.S. space shuttles to International Space Station ends. Americans will pay the Russians for taxi service, but hey, they were the first in space so they win. The Chinese are readying their space takeover probably with planned laundries and restaurants on the Moon, just like in our Wild West frontier. The Mexicans will follow, without documents of course, by stealing space rockets off launch pads. Hot wiring goes big time.

12. More homes are foreclosed; home values are depressed more than mortgages. Thousands of real agents and brokers are out of work while they watch illegal immigrants get food stamps, housing, free education, free medical aid. It’s the American way, screw your own.

13. About 14 million folks are unemployed, recent college grads cannot get jobs so maybe they can be refunded for their expenses after false promises from colleges and the Department of Education. If you are over 45 and male, forget about employment. The future looks great for gangs, crime, illegal immigrants, demonstrations, riots, and suicides. But let’s not stop giving millions of dollars to over 30 countries. All we need is another war, the proven road to prosperity through full employment.

14. You can list your good times and bad times in 2011 below:

APPETIZER

(A Bark of LARCH)

Can a lifelong lover of dogs who were cat hating mutually accept cats as equal companions? It was summer 1998 while establishing our home site on acreage in the Wet Mountains over 9,200 feet near Westcliffe, Colorado, I became suddenly aware that I had more animals than my two horses, three cat hating Golden Retrievers, one very large Nubian goat (Wolfgang), with the native assortment of Elk, Muley deer, bears, mountain lions, coyotes, and—mice. When I stepped into the truck of a friend, I heard a snap and behold, a mouse trap hung on the end of one foot. They invaded homes, windshield wiper motors in cars and car trunks where they made nests with my emergency supply of toilet paper. After my management lecture to my critters on their all encompassing job descriptions, they uniformly and unanimously declared that they were not mousers. One mouse, we called him Mickey named after our attorney friend Mike, had the audacity of moseying past the noses of the dogs lying on the rug to eat some of their dog food and then saunter back to the bathroom pipes from whence he entered. It was a show of resolution on the part of the dogs’ union.

Scanning the Ads in the Wet Mountain Tribune, we saw our salvation, Free kittens. After several miles of bouncing on rock strewn roads, we found the house with only two kittens left. We were told they were sisters so we accepted both being family type. One was the standard Sylvester type black with white chest and paws and the other was light grey and orange, Calico type. On the return trip we decided to name them Appetizer (black) and Snack due to their probable short mortality since my three dogs were notorious cat chasers and killers. As the Golden Knight, I hoped for one week of peaceful bonding among the tribe. Upon arrival at our ranch, I introduced all the critters by name and told them each that I loved them and that they would love the mousers. My dogs admitted they were well named. And so for seven days Appetizer and Snack sat on my lap and by my side while I repeatedly reminded the dogs of the mutual love aspect, along with some nose tapping, and constant reintroduction of names. A nervous truce appeared with the look of diminished dog hood.

Appetizer and Snack took up their jobs with relish (none liked mustard) and dutifully disposed of mice at the doorsteps which they slowly ate over the next two days leaving the hearts and a few other organs for the last morsels. When a cousin and his wife, a nurse, visited, she told us that Appetizer was a male. A couple of weeks later, Snack delivered four babies under our dinner table. She hadn’t appeared to be pregnant, but what do I know about cats? So the kittens were named Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch and Dinner. The dogs readily accepted the kittens. A Saint Bernard puppy we had just been given adopted the two orange and white kittens. They would lie on his stomach as if he was grandpa.

During this period of reconciliation, I would sit in a camp chair outside gazing at the rising slope of pasture leading into the wooded mountain. Appetizer would jump up on my right knee and stretch out and Snack would do the same on my left knee with the dogs and goat watching cautiously. We would observe wild animals walk along a trail at the base line of the trees. Deer, Elk, coyotes, and bear would trek along the same trail at different times as if a continuous stage show. No one got excited, no barking, no meows, not even a goat cry—the nature show was serene for actors and audience. And so for years, whenever I sat on a chair indoors or outdoors, Appetizer and Snack would assume their positions. In the winter months I placed a blanket over me on the recliner chair and my lap became their mutual warming spot.

Bear, my white dog who was half black lab when momma Daisey mated both with a Golden Retriever and a visiting black lab, finally accepted the cats and let them sleep in our bed. Bear would enjoy snuggling under the covers and soon Appetizer would also, each on other sides of my body. I had the habit of keeping a glass of water on the floor by my bedside for sipping in the middle of the night and Bear decided he also wanted to relieve dry mouth. Appetizer finally wanted to be a big guy also so we had a community water glass. And at 3 A.M. I had no images of dogs and cats licking their rears. Appetizer with his sitting on my lap, waking me up with a touch of his claws on my lips, running to me when called, achieved the ultimate status of a loving dog—equality of cats with dogs. And it took millions of years for women to accomplish that with men.

Although I had field fencing around the one acre house compound and pasture perimeter to restrain my dogs and to keep out coyotes, wolves and wild dogs, the cats could wander through on their search and destroy missions. When I would return from town and open the gate at the county road about quarter of a mile down from the house, Appetizer would see me drive up the pasture while he was outside the property boundaries and ran fast to reenter his property to avoid lectures about staying home, wild animals eating him, etc.

We had an excellent Vet in Salida, Colorado, who took care of all our critters. One day Appetizer became comatose so we drove the hour and a half to Salida with him on my lap. The Vet put an IV in his leg and kept him for two days. Then he called to say Appetizer took the IV out and so he was ready to come home. As we opened the pen in the Vet’s office, Appetizer leaped into my arms and was most content to sit on my lap on the ride back to the ranch.

Needing a better vehicle to tow my horse trailer in the mountains, in August, 2002, I found a used small bus that had been a car rental airport bus. The three tiered luggage rack would be great for storing camping gear. With seven months of harsh winter, we decided to RV to the southern states with the two cats and Bear, our remaining dog after the others died. When we drove into a campsite, Appetizer was the first one out to inspect it and bordering sites. With his approval we settled in. Both Appetizer and Snack were great campers, stayed close to the bus and when vehicles or people came close, they hopped in the bus.

In early March, 2011, Appetizer became very quiet, vomited and had a fever. Off we went to the Vet for treatment. A few days later on a Thursday, he became worse so I took him back to the Vet in the morning for treatment but the Vet said to return late in the afternoon for another treatment. Two days later on a Saturday, Appetizer had trouble breathing, heaving heavily, and moved very little. The Vet was closed for the weekend but had said the medicine would work for the next two weeks. Sunday morning he seemed better then got worse. I sat next to him with my hand on him. I prayed that he could survive until Monday morning to return to the Vet. Later that evening Appetizer in pain and congested in his lungs with difficulty breathing, and body heaving, became restless and moved frequently. But he still had strength to jump up on my lap and on a bed. He went to the guest bedroom and laid on the floor by the window then onto the pillows, a normal routine for him, but he could not linger. Then he came to my chair and climbed on my lap for a short period before he got on the floor where I held my hand on him. He wet the floor, then walked towards the food dish but laid down before he got to it and again wet the floor. As his last movement, he walked down the hall to the bedroom door where he slept with us every night and collapsed, shuddered and died with my hand on him. It was 11:00 P.M. Sunday night, March 13, 2011. He has been my buddy for 13 years. I laid him on a blanket in the back hall and tucked his legs under him. Monday morning we dug his grave with Suki, our Siamese cat, watching. Snack stayed in the house. As I carried him out and placed him in the grave, he seemed light like stiff cardboard not as a dead animal, as his spirit was free and vivid in my memory. That’s the gift to survivors of humans and their pets, the lasting memories of life and the loving times. In the next evening as I sat in my chair by my bed with my blanket over my lap, I saw Appetizer at the foot of the bed with his white haired chest, black hair coat and green glowing eyes looking at me.