From the Inside Out

By Margaret Mc Kenna Maher

Ellie O'Donnell needs something to live for. Manic-depression and Alcoholism dominate her life. She is recovering from her latest bout of depression when she is released from hospital on a day pass. Ellie has a chance meeting with Jimbo, a homeless man. His story has such an impact on her that it changes her life forever.

This novel deals with a dual diagnosis syndrome (depression and alcoholism). It is a story of hope and determination against the odds.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jul 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481799621

Margaret Mc Kenna Maher

The Author is a 63 year old widow who was born and reared in a small village in Co. Offaly. She was the owner of a public house which was in the family for three generations. Although she was a funtioning alcoholic also battling Depression, she worked her way through many hard years while raring a family. She is now retired, with her eldest son now running the pub, she continues to battle with her demons.

Book preview

ELLIE MEETS JIMBO

25041.jpg

As Ellie walked down the drive, through the big iron gates, she stopped and turned. The driveway was full of colour from the reddish copper leaves that were falling from the old trees inside the back wall. The building that stared back at her was over two hundred years old.

It had been a haven to so many people over those years. She felt good for the first time in ages and was glad to turn her back on it. Her first thought was to have a cigarette—she wanted one badly. Ellie lit up and after that first glorious pull she started to relax. As she walked away she heard a voice calling out:

‘Excuse me, Miss.’

She looked and saw the shadow of a man sitting on the kerb with his feet dangerously close to the road. The road was busy with cars whizzing by and Ellie wanted to head in the direction of town because she had some shopping to do but she heard the voice calling her again.

‘Sorry Miss!’

She was not sure why she stopped.

‘Yes,’ she answered nervously.

‘Can you give me just one cigarette please?’ he asked eagerly.

Ellie looked at him hunched, up in an old army coat with his long brown hair that looked so neglected, tied back in a pony tail. Yet, as he looked up, Ellie saw that his eyes were the clearest blue she had ever seen.

‘Okay, sure,’ she replied and handing him a cigarette she said;

‘Sure I might as well finish this one here with you.’

She felt the sharp cold of the pavement when she sat down beside him. Ellie handed him her box of matches and he nodded thanks. As he shook a match out of the box, Ellie could see his fingers were swollen and red from the cold. Ellie and this lost-looking man sat there watching the traffic moving fast up and down the street. They smoked their cigarettes in silence, each lost in their own worlds. A long time passed before Ellie asked him,

‘Why are you sitting here?’

He turned and looked at her with a strange expression on his face.

‘Does it matter?’ he replied, I have nowhere else to go.’

As Ellie thought about the crises that might have led him to become homeless—she knew that given the right circumstances this could happen to anyone. However, it still shocked her that he had nowhere to turn. Ellie felt angry with herself for not realising that he was homeless. For those who are homeless, something terrible has usually occurred in their life to force them to take to the streets. There was something about this young man that intrigued Ellie. Was it the honesty in those blue eyes a look of hopelessness, it reminded her of herself. Suddenly Ellie asked him,

‘Would you like a cup of tea, we can walk down to the train station?’

As they stood up together and walked along the path, Ellie did not notice the odd looks she was getting, she just walked on. Train stations can be cold, miserable places and this one was no different. With their hands around their plastic cups, the pair tried to warm up.

Ellie’s thoughts began to drift. The doctors at St, Patrick’s Hospital had told her she had overdosed on prescription drugs and alcohol and that she had driven herself in and collapsed in the foyer. She was told she was doing well now but she still had a long way to go. She certainly felt a lot calmer and more rational. Ellie decided to leave the train station; she felt they had been there long enough.

She turned to the man and said;

‘I don’t even know your name.’ He looked up at her with a half smile and said,

‘Jim is as good a name as any.’

‘I will call you Jimbo, Ellie replied.

‘And what’s yours?’ he asked.

Ellie told him her name with pride. She straightened her shoulders and looked him in the eye and said,

‘I have a feeling that our meeting was not by chance. You do know there is a God, a just God.’

They walked from the station, passing St, Patrick’s Hospital, where she had come from only this morning. Ellie had a day pass and was supposed to be back by 8pm, but she kept walking up to the top of the street and headed for Thomas Street. She could feel the buzz and the banter of the people on the stalls; she loved this street.

These people lived their lives on the streets selling their wares, trying to make a decent living for themselves and their families. Yet they still had a few warm words to say when you stopped to talk to them. Ellie and her new friend weaved in and out of stalls with children running all over the place until Ellie stopped.

‘We have to eat some food’ she said. The Rover Café was right in front of them. Jimbo looked at her and Ellie suddenly realised why—he was not used to going into cafes.

‘Well’ she said ‘you are with me!’ she opened the door and headed for an empty table, Jimbo followed her. They got a few stares as they were an odd looking pair

‘Hell,’ Ellie thought to herself, ‘it’s not as if we’re in the best part of town.’ The vegetable soup was lovely and hot and it helped to warm them up. Jimbo said he was heading further up the street to find his spot for the night. Ellie felt that at this stage she should return to the hospital as they would be looking for her, but something deep inside her wanted to hear Jimbo’s story. It was a terrible feeling of helplessness not being able to do anything for him. Then she decided to walk with him to see where he was going to sleep for the night. At this stage she was very ‘‘tired and jumpy. Jimbo headed down an alleyway near Thomas Street. He found some sacking and put it on the ground.

‘At least there is shelter from the biting wind’ he said.

Ellie awakened to find her head on Jimbo’s shoulder. He stood up and stamped his feet. She copied him, trying to get her circulation back. She asked him if they could move a little further back into the shed to keep a little warmer. Knowing the Guards would be looking for her made her feel a little nervous. They found a log and sat down. Ellie asked him how long he had been homeless.

‘For as long as I can remember. My father left us when we were only babies. There was no work so he left and went to England. We never heard from him again. I think my mother just gave up hope. She tried to get odd jobs but that eventually dried up. At that stage, my brother Ger and I were just nine and ten years old.’

‘My mother drank anything she could get her hands on. She begged, borrowed and stole for it, so we ended up on the street with no house. We lasted one year together. We went our own ways after that. I never saw them again. The one bit of luck I had was that I knew the stall owners they would keep bits of clothes for me. One day Annie shouted to me as I passed ‘Love! I have something for you’ it was a make-shift tent that I could throw over me. Looking back I know now it saved my life—I had it for years.’

Ellie never interrupted for one second. She was afraid he would stop.

Jimbo told Ellie he was twenty five years old, roaming from one shelter to another. He never went far from the city—he was afraid of the unknown. One thing Ellie found extraordinary was that he had never touched a drink in his life. He said he was afraid the addiction would have followed on.

Then Jimbo described the bouts of depression he had—sometimes it would last a long time. He often felt he would never live through the night. These episodes would start by feeling trapped, like a caged animal with no way out, only blackness. It would eventually lift, he told her, until the next time. It was a miracle he was still alive.

Ellie found herself thinking if one could take away the misery of his way of life and provide proper food, medical help and good counselling; he might have a chance—but without it he had none.

‘I feel ashamed’ she said, ‘I thought I had problems until I met you.’

Jimbo looked at her, well aware of the effect his words were having on her.

‘How did you get to be so clever?’ she asked him.

‘I first learned to read from old newspapers. I would collect old magazines and papers from outside shops—that’s how I learned to count. Each paper represented a number and gradually the letters followed into words. It took me a long time but I wanted to do it. The women on the stalls often gave a book to me. I find when I am reading I forget about this life of misery and lose myself in another world.

Ellie stood there looking at him.

‘You never had a chance with your life, but I did, I had choices—I stopped fighting. Depression and alcohol became my life. You see, the difference is, I let it take over my life. We both know with depression we have to keep fighting it. I lost hope; but somehow I will get it back.’

Ellie looked at him. She was beginning to feel nervous—she had better go.

‘You know we will meet again’

A flash light was waved in front of them. A guard shouted,

‘What’s your name?’

‘Ellie O’ Donnell she answered.

‘There are people looking for you up and down the streets, you have to go back to St, Patrick’s hospital. he said angrily.

Ellie stood in front of Jimbo and said to the Guard,

‘This man is not to be touched or harmed, he was helping me.’

The Guard looked surprised. He shook his head in amazement and said,

‘We have to go now.’

Back in the hospital that night her doctors were not one bit impressed with her. They were actually stunned that she could do such a thing. The nurses ignored her. Ellie was confined to her room for the rest of her recovery. One of the doctors, under the head consultant psychiatrist, came to see her every day. They felt she was making great strides in her recovery. The antidepressants they had prescribed for her were suiting her—they were twice as strong as the ones she was on before now, it seemed to be the right mix. Ellie had weeks of both group and one to one sessions, all of which were supposed to have made her come to terms with her life and help her to move forward. However most days she just sat thinking about her past—she had nothing else to do but think. She was thirty six years old and had been separated from her husband Tony for the last five years. The one thing left in her favour was that she was out of that marriage. He was one mean sonofabitch—a functioning alcoholic. She always felt they were the worst kind.

He could hold down a job but could drink brandy every evening, and you were actually supposed to be grateful to have to listen to every kind of abuse. To be a strong woman and still put up with that shit, it just goes to show you how much power a man can have over a woman. That relationship had destroyed her self confidence because she was afraid to be that vulnerable again. There never was any kindness in the five years they spent together. There never was any kind of love, and above all, there never was fairness.

ELLIE GOES HOME TO KILLCLEARY

25044.jpg

When it was time to go home, after constant pleadings with doctors, Ellie said she was ready and that she would do all the right things—take her meds every day, no alcohol and she would go into the hospital for counselling every month. Ellie headed for home in her little Austin Martin. Thank God I am free, she said to herself as she headed home—to the small town of Killcleary.

The small farm house she lived in was her parent’s home. She had one brother Chris whom she had not seen for years and Ellie knew he had given up on her. It hurt her deeply that he refused to accept the fact that she had depression. Chris wanted her to move into town in exchange for the farm house. He