Just Alex

By Jessica Badrick

Alex made his choice, but now he has doubts. Did he make the right choice? Can he go through with the choice he made . . . ?
Just Alex picks up right where In Too Deep leaves off, he chooses his life now, not his past, but can he do it? He has no clue. He has serious doubts that are magnified after he gets injured at his own birthday party. With his wedding approaching faster than he thought, he begins insisting his Mama tell him about her past, despite her wish he leave her past right where it isin the past. Can Alex find his answers and his footing not to doubt himself before he is so late to his own wedding that Ana changes her mind about marrying him?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jul 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466942189

Book preview

© Copyright 2012 Jessica Badrick.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

isbn: 978-1-4669-4219-6 (sc)

isbn: 978-1-4669-4218-9 (e)

Trafford rev. 06/18/2012

SKU-000577151_TEXT.pdf www.trafford.com

North America & international

toll-free: 1 888 232 4444 (USA & Canada)

phone: [phone] SKU-000577151_TEXT.pdf fax: [phone]

"I chose my kids, I chose my family, I chose my love…

but I think I made the wrong choice. I don’t think I can do this…"

Contents

Chapter 1 Choice Made

Chapter 2 Reaching out is not easy just necessary

Chapter 3 A longer day isn’t possible

Chapter 4 Friday the fifth

Chapter 5 Two down

Chapter 6 Fast Forward

Chapter 7 Is it Bed Time Yet!

Chapter 8 Saturday January 13th

Chapter 9 Boogey men get sleep, daddies don’t.

Chapter 10 Monday through Friday

Chapter 11 Weekend

Chapter 12 Long Week

Chapter 13 27, 28

Chapter 14

Chapter 15 State week

Chapter 16

Chapter 17 Monday again

Chapter 18 Time Flies

Chapter 19 Epiphany

Author’s Note

Chapter 1

Choice Made

Do I even want to know how this happened Dr. Wittson sighed shining a flash light in my eyes trying to get them to follow the light for the third time.

I was less dizzy and had been cleaned up some but I could still only smell blood. I watched him put a bandage over my stitches. It was the first cut I had since I stopped. I had been really careful not to get cuts; I had scraps, scratches, road burn, plenty of bruises but never any cuts. A broken plastic spoon, one of the girls The stoic answer had nothing to do with my throbbing head and everything to do with the look on every ones face. Once you’re a cutter ever one assumes you’re going to do it again and that every little injury is from you no matter how bad it hurt or anything else.

Don’t give me that I asked what happened.

I sighed They got into a fight, I did my job she swung my arm was there. I am fine now that the flash backs have stopped.

"Hmm, well, you’re going home you have a concussion but I bet you knew that. And your not to smack you head on any more floors, your mother is not someone I wish on my bad side and Dave doesn’t either. Also call your Aunt Kate.

I can’t I have a preschool meeting for Paul in twenty minute.

Then go home and call your aunt.

Fine I rolled my eyes, I had no intention of calling anyone, but I wanted out of the infirmary.

I ran and checked on the girls showing them I was ok no serious damage; I thanked Greg for filling out the paper work, and then hugged Anthony good night. I made the thirty minute drive in fifteen thankful I was not pulled over or worse.

Uncle Donavan looked at my arm "Klutz he muttered.

Psycho teenager actually; how late am I?

Thirty nanoseconds, they just went in, to see if you were already here.

Grazie (thanks) I rushed into the school after my uncle Christian and caught up no problem.

Oh there you are He shoved and inhaler at me Ana called, are you alright?

Yeah, Crazy teenager, I am fine, more than relieved I had brought a change of clothes and that the double vision stopped before I had to drive.

Mmm I don’t condone driving with a concussion and I here you made quite a mess.

I blushed Sorry.

* * *

We got to the Preschool wing and had to wait I sat watching all the little preschoolers; they looked so cute in their uniforms. Mom had said the year I was born they made it mandatory that all schools have uniforms, but it was still a place of honor to wear the sleek black and sharp red of Crimson Academy. Paul played with blocks as we waited; I worked on getting my head not to throb. We waited a good half hour. By then there were only two children left in the waiting room, besides Paul and they were climbing a book case.

JEFFERY! CLAUDIA! The lady sounded on her last straw GET DOWN, NOW! Sorry She addressed us Some days my grandchildren forget they are not animals; Jeffery is five and Claudia is four She smiled. I am Mrs. Livingston and you She spoke to Paul must be Paul."

"Does I gets to wear a ooniform too? I have one for Saturdays it’s called a G and next year Mr. Ear Ic says I can pactice ka atee like MY Antony."

We will see She smiled at him. To me she said He is very friendly and outgoing.

Thank-you I stood shaking her hand I am Alex Williams and this is my uncle, Christian. Ana is working today and is unable to make it.

I went over the paper work you mailed in

Ana I smiled She has better memory and hand writing. I was nervous and rambling.

Ok She smiled Ana. Anyway, I remember both of your mothers and your uncles. I use to teach Shakespeare in the high school. Your mother was…

Witch one ma’am?

Jess Uncle Christian laughed Sorry but only Mio Piccolo can cause that face in a person.

Well, yes she was extremely smart, though. Nalanie was a pleasure also; I was sorry to hear of her passing. But your mother… let’s just say she left an impacting impression. Mrs. Livingston forced a smile. It was nice to have someone recognize Mama for something other than music or gay pride events, although it sounded bad like when all the fourth grade teachers thought Nick would be just like Christopher and Christian just because we are brothers.

Uncle Christian stifled a laugh and muttered boots.

Anyway, Paul and I are going to go talk and play to determine how much speech attention he needs, while you fill out these.

I sat and read the sheets. It was about allergies, medicine and special needs Paul didn’t have any of that but under things the teacher should know I wrote adopted, brother in C.H.T.D.C. Bilingual: English/Italian. Then I paced trying to shake the head ache, Uncle Christian felt I should have been sitting he was probably right as I was getting dizzy but I didn’t want to tell him if I sat still I would be giving into the oh so tempting desire to go back to cutting and I refused. I loved being a dad way too much, and my job and my life where I am not completely numb with friends and family in it.

Ok Paul we will see you soon. Can you please sit with your uncle, while I speak to your father?

Ok Ma’am He smiled and bounced over to Uncle Christian.

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding when I heard Paul had remembered to use his best manners, as I followed her in to her office."

Well he is very smart advanced even, in most areas but defiantly has some speech delay he will grow out of it but he will be a great model student for our spring program starting February twenty-third.

Thank you Ma’am

You’re welcome She hand me the rest of the registration paper work. So you know Crimson…

I know ma’am, I graduated from Crimson class of 2024.

Ok then we will see you January twenty eighth for orientation and uniform ordering.

Thank-you so much We shook hands again.

* * *

I looked at the clock it was one thirty am but I could not sleep. All I could think about was the cut on my arm and how bad I wanted to make one next to it. I began to cry I had worked so hard to clean up, and it had been so long I didn’t want to go through it all again. I refused to relapse I was stronger than that. I had just started to feel like I fit in somewhere. I began to panic and went down stairs and balled up on the couch shaking and crying, shortly after there was a hand on my ankle and one my back.

I am sorry I woke you I sobbed harder, already knowing it was my mothers.

Mama lifted my bandaged arm This, this will pass.

I’m so…

We were not asleep sweetie Mom patted my leg.

Mama pulled me in to her arms Ooff, this has been a while She laughed You have gotten rather heavy.

I can’t stop crying and I am panicking and I don’t know why I sobbed in to her shoulder.

Then just cry Mama said I cried for a long time after I stopped your body is just readjusting to having to cope with your emotions.

I… I… My words fail and I shifted a little I needed mom too.

Without my telling her she knew and I was wrapped safe between my mothers’ arms You are never too old to be so emotionally exhausted that you need your mommy or to cry.

They held me tight like when I was little and I cried myself to sleep, it had be a very long time since I had done that.

Chapter 2

Reaching out is not

easy just necessary

Mama had told me many times about when she stopped cutting in fact other than her music it was the only thing she herself willingly shared about her past with me. And she told me many people cry and fall apart and that it could just be the concussion messing with me. I knew they had worried when I hadn’t fallen apart like Mama had, not that they wanted me too; but I guess parts of my actions were a bit suspicious. And if I had a repeat of last night now Dave was going to lock me up for zombie impersonations.

Uhg I groaned looking in the bathroom mirror trying for the fourth time to wash the bright red tear stains off my face. I was pissed with myself I had not done this four years ago and had spent three years since telling teens it was ok and normal. Dave had put me on filing; he felt I need a day away from being beat on by wild kids. I think he had looked at me and was worried I was sick again. I was still crying on and off and it was infuriating to try and wash the stains off only to start crying again. It made me feel weak that stupid minor insignificant things could make me cry. If Dave had noticed he was not saying anything and for that I was thankful.

They don’t wash off Greg came in They only look that bright to you, to everyone else you just look tired, but they won’t wash off.

I looked at him in shock.

You aren’t the only one to ever cry Al, I cried for six days straight when my dad died. So what is causing your pain; you and Ana fighting?

Um… no Ana and I are great I honestly don’t know think it’s just stress got that hearing coming up.

Oh yeah, for your son right; good luck with that. Don’t worry about the crying you can smash Quentin if he bugs you about it and no one else would care. He went in to the stall and I went back to filing, crying silently.

* * *

At lunch I had caved and called my Aunt’s office to make an appointment for while Ana was at school and told Mama I was looking at something for Mom for her birthday at a store one town over. It probably wasn’t smart Dr. Wittson would tell Mom if I didn’t go on my own and Aunt Kate would probably say something to Mama if I skipped.

Making the appointment had been easy it was keeping it that was hard; actually for me it was nearly impossible. I paced back and forth, left came back left again, I spun in circles, argued with myself, tried to sit and be patience, stood in front of the door shaking like a leaf until finally Aunt Kate Came out.

Alex, come in here before you scare someone She laughed.

I walked in her office and looked around they all looked the same to me other than she had photos of my cousins on her desk.

You know I can’t treat family.

Uh I know I… I…

Breathe, Al.

I just have questions.

I see, but if they are about cutting I think you need to talk to my mother’s old co-worker. He is very good; He was good for your mother.

Which one, Mom?

It was JJ; your Mom had her own consoler before they dated.

Mama actually went to a consoler?

Yes lots of them Charlie was the end of a long line of them and the one that she didn’t fight. I took the liberty of calling him when Kyle called me to make sure if you didn’t call me to call you.

I looked at her How did you know I would show up?

You like your new life more than you like your unhealthy vice.

I blushed.

Go sit in the waiting room, Charlie will be here any second.

I obeyed my aunt, but seemed to be even more a mess and fell apart sobbing again.

Tissues Sweetie An older gentleman asked. He was dressed like he could have worked here; with the white button-up, dress slacks and a sweater vest. But he had just come in from outside. You have your daddy’s eyes.

Thank-you Sir I mumbled, I was so use to being recognized for who my parents were and what they had done that I didn’t even bat an eye anymore.

You’re welcome, stressful day?

I shrugged Not really yesterday was worse, you?

My day is puzzling.

I nodded.

Want to tell me why you’re crying?

I just looked at him.

Now that, that is your mama’s face He laughed Charles Cadley but you can just call me Charlie.

Al-Alexander…

Alexander Williams; I know, your Aunt said you are having a bad week how about you come in my office and you tell me why your crying.

I nodded and started to shake.

Hmm I bet if I asked Harold though we could use the office he used for Tina. He spoke to the receptionist she made a call and produced some keys. Come on you will like this office I use it for all my claustrophobic clients. He lead me down a hall and through a heavy fire door, into a well decorated court yard This better?

I blushed More air no drowning feeling.

Good, so why are you crying?

I… I don’t know.

Well when did you start?

On and off since last night.

And what started it?

I shrugged and showed him my bandaged arm.

Is that self inflicted?

I shook my head the No, the scar yes but the new cut no.

He nodded So you use to cut?

Yes Sir, I haven’t in four years?

Did you have any consoling before?

No Sir, my mother would set it up and I would skip it.

Your Mama was good at that He laughed. Did you cry like this when you stopped?

No, I haven’t, I haven’t cried since I was like twelve.

How did you get the cut?

From work, I work a C.H.T.D.C Mostly in the Self injury hall my boss is Dave Ellsworth.

He’s a good man. Is this the only injury you have gotten since you stopped cutting?

No, I get hit, kicked, bite and clawed daily; this is just the first cut. It was made with a broken spoon; I was breaking up a fight.

Why do you think your crying?

I have no clue, I am crying over the dumbest things and it won’t stop; and right now I am crying because I can’t stop crying.

Stress?

I looked at him incredulously Oh yeah I just adopted two sons one three one six; the six year old I have a hearing to get him out of where I work, I am trying to plan my wedding and the past month everyone keeps asking me if I am cutting or accusing me of cutting. I have D.C.F. watching everything I do with Paul until May and with Anthony until he is out of the program at C.H.T.D.C. I began to cry harder.

Slow down He handed me more tissue It’s ok to cry, stress and crying are very normal you sound emotionally exhausted.

And physically I don’t sleep a lot.

Well no wonder your body thinks it should cry you’re overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted. You said you have a three year old?

Yes

Does he nap?

Yes, or he is an… oh so your saying I need a nap?

Not quite I am saying you need to rest better but mostly I am saying it is kind of the same thing that you are so tired that everything is upsetting and your body is having trouble expressing it because the cutting enabled you from learning how to properly handle unpleasant emotions.

I nodded.

You are following me right?

Yes, sorry I am still dizzy from the concussion yesterday too.

Well our time today is up but I will see you next week same time.

"Whoa I can’t I just told you I have the D.C.F in my life and I

Reviews for Just Alex

[benja424 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

nice solid ending.