You Can Go Home Again: A Caleb Baker Mystery

By Charles Hays

This book is a work of fiction about a terrible coal mining accident that happened in Hazard, Kentucky during the early 1980s. The date of the accident was about 1982 plus or minus maybe three years. Its hard to pin it down any better than that. But, I can tell you this much, it occurred back when Catherine Bach was playing the role of Daisy Duke on a TV show called The Dukes of Hazzard. What a beautiful woman she was when she walked across my TV screen. Everything about her body was absolutely adorable and, at the time, she just took my breath away. My protagonist in this particular tale is a man by the name of Caleb Baker. He is a Houston widower who has nothing to do since the passing of his wife. His lifelong friend is the Mayor of Hazard, Honorable Herbert Ray Henry who wants him to return to the mountains where he was born and reared. Henry wants it so bad that he has thrown in analytical laboratory and a staff of two talented people. Bakers first case involves a coal mine explosion. So you can go home again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Sep 13, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466955998

Charles Hays

I am a Kentucky author who is living in Texas to avoid the snow. To the locals, I am a snowbird, but to my aging friends in Kentucky, I am the one who avoided Kentucky politics and taxes. But home is where the heart is, and my home will always be in Kentucky, not Texas. There is something about Kentucky that supports this old motto: Together we stink, but divided, we smell.

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© Copyright 2012 Charles Hays.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5598-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5600-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4669-5599-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012916223

Trafford rev. 09/07/2012

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Dedication

THIS BOOK IS dedicated to my darling daughter Brenda Rebecca Hanzik (Hays) who now has the difficult task of taking care of her old man as I once took care of her. Once upon a time, she was the prettiest little girl in this whole wide World and, now, she has become the kindest woman that I know.

Foreword

THIS BOOK IS a work of fiction about a terrible coal mining accident that happened in Hazard, Kentucky during the early 1980’s. The date of the accident was about 1982 plus or minus maybe three years. It’s hard to pin it down any better than that. But, I can tell you this much, it occurred back when Catherine Bach was playing the role of ‘Daisy Duke’ on a TV show called The Dukes of Hazzard. What a beautiful woman she was when she walked across my TV screen. Everything about her lovely body was absolutely adorable. At the time, she just took my breath away.

My protagonist in this particular tale is a man by the name of Caleb Baker. He is a widower who has nothing to do since the passing of his wife. His lifelong friend is the Mayor of Hazard, Honorable Ray Henry, who wants him to return to the mountains where he was born and raised. Henry wants it so bad that he throws in an analytical laboratory and a staff of talented people. So you can go home again.

Baker’s first case in Hazard involves a coal mine explosion where a body is, allegedly, blown across a valley between adjacent mountains. I remember the event very well because actor Tom Wopat got involved personally. Tom was always a huge proponent for mine safety and the much needed improvements for the horrible working conditions that existed back then. And, from what I now know, Tom’s proud words of advice were heard by many important people in Washington.

Names, characters and incidents are modified as a product of the author’s imagination to enhance the storytelling and to protect the innocent people, places and happenings. Any resemblance to actual persons (living or dead), all associated events and specific locations are strictly coincidental and totally unintentional. If there are any hurt feelings or bad memories felt by any readers of my book, I personally regret any such occurrences. I prefer to identify them as being freak happenings caused by both probability and pure chance.

Contents

Chapter One  ALONE

Chapter Two  FIRST CASE

Chapter Three  MONEY TRAILS

Chapter Four  ENDEARMENT

Chapter Five  SORROW

Chapter Six  LOVE

Chapter Seven  TRAP

Chapter Eight  INTERVIEWS

Chapter Nine  MORE INTERVIEWS

Chapter Ten  COFFEE TREE

Chapter Eleven  PRIORITIES

Chapter Twelve  RESULTS

Chapter Thirteen  OFFER

Chapter Fourteen  ARRESTS

Chapter Fiveteen  VENGEANCE

Chapter Sixteen  EPILOGUE

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Chapter One

ALONE

CALEB BAKER WAS sitting on his favorite chair and the new television was turned on but, he was unable to relax. He was bored and he was sad. It had been over two long years since his wife had passed on 11SEP10, a victim of ovarian cancer for the best part of twenty years. At the end of the day, her tumor had spread to other parts of her body and, suddenly, she was gone.

Her death was a horrible and painful one to witness. She was not the same person that she used to be, not even close. Dorothy had been transformed into a minor fraction of the beautiful woman that she had been. The hospice was very kind and respectful but, injecting her with morphine every few minutes, is not living but, instead, it’s sort of like floating between this World and the next. One minute here and the next minute at some other place.

I will never forgive the Henderson Hospital for the treatment that my wife received. Their regimen for her was to use one of the Statin Family of drugs to cure her problem. The Food and Drug Administration has since recalled the drug that she used with the official statement of It does more harm than good.

In brief, they were using my wife as a Guiana pig and I shall never forgive them for that decision. Neither Medicare nor her personal insurance would pay for that treatment and I can’t blame them for that. They said that we won’t pay because you killed Mrs. Baker. But, now they want me to pay for something that my normal coverage will not cover and those hospital invoices amount to more than I can afford. What a dilemma I’m in.

So what I really need is to disappear for a while but, where could I go and how would I hide from that pestering collection agency? I called my best friend from Hazard High School, Mayor Ray Henry, to ask him if there was any way that he could find me some cash-only employment in Eastern Kentucky.

I told him why and his answer was, You need somewhere to hide from those money-hungry pirates at Henderson Hospital and I’ve got just the place for you. You can go home again. I have a Forensic Laboratory that you can run. It is fully staffed and it comes with all the major electronic toys and miscellaneous equipment, one of everything and two of most. Are you interested?

I thanked him for his friendship and I told him that my bags could be quickly packed. I would leave the Houston area during the early morning hours. And, was I ever the happy one, I can go home again. And, I did exactly that.

The trip to Hazard from Houston was roughly 1080-miles and I enjoyed every moment of the journey. Suddenly, the grass was greener and the trees were never more beautiful. I had not felt this good since I had recovered from my heart surgery back in the 1970’s.

I was free and clear of all those invoices which I could not pay. The hoods at Henderson Hospital could search all they want but they would never find me, not in Hazard. That’s a place where large waves of earth grow dense forests that can shield hundreds of men if they want to be shielded.

I am reminded of all the stories about draft dodgers of World War II that still live on and around those hills of Hazard Town. Originally, they came to us in swarms from Ohio.

Now, they are seen only at night when they visit the local Wal-Mart store where they buy their essential needs of beans, bread, beer, bananas and prescription drugs. They have hidden among those hills since 1943-1945. And, evidently, they don’t read newspapers.

If they can get away with that, why can’t I? During the day, I will try to solve forensic problems for Mayor Ray Henry but, at night, I shall disappear among all of the draftees and runaways like myself who are dodging exorbitant invoices from fictional bookkeeping at Henderson-Houston.

Then, Caleb paused before saying, Shit, I’ve got to get out of this rut. The problem that plagued him at Houston was still active so he pulled his car over to the side of the highway to read Henry’s official letter of offering employment at Hazard, Kentucky where he was born and reared.

His problem was that he had only two mood swings. First, he would feel extremely sad and, later on, he would feel depressively bored. It was time to read the letter once again.

He had read that letter many times before and, each time that he re-read it, he discovered that it was the only thing in his possession that gave his an uplifting feeling. It’s sad to admit but, at least, Caleb did have something while some other unfortunates had nothing.

The official offer of employment letter was from his old high school buddy, Ray Henry who was now the Mayor of Hazard, Kentucky. He had been in office for more years than I could remember because he was so popular and since he had done many wonderful things for the City.

For those two reasons, he kept getting re-elected to that Honorable Office. No single Mayor had ever achieved his level of success, not even Gene Cecil Baker who was my previous candidate for the best Mayor that Hazard ever had. Nevertheless, Ray had sent me a letter that I couldn’t ever throw away, it was priceless.

The gist of Ray’s offer was simple. He wanted me to return to Hazard because the new Appalachian Hospital did not have a forensic laboratory capability. Mayor Henry said that the Lexington and Louisville laboratories were killing his budget with overcharges so, he needed a solution to his problem and he wanted someone that he could trust, unequivocally. He wanted me. Better still, he needed me.

I had talked with him on the telephone about the fact that my former laboratory had been a metallurgical laboratory, not a forensic laboratory. Ray laughed and said, "Don’t tell me that. I have read your classic paper on how to analyze bullets to determine which party was guilty or not.

Every Laboratory in the Country has benefitted from your natural forensic capabilities. And, I want Hazard to be the host city for your special talents. As I remember, that trial was held in Madisonville, TX where someone was accused of killing his wife’s lover, remember? I replied, Of course, I remember but, that was a simple case and forensics involves a lot more than just bullets."

Henry should have been on the debate team at Hazard High School because he would not listen to any of my arguments. He wanted me to come home again and that was it, no if’s, no and’s, or no but’s. His main point was the following, "Caleb, do you remember how many murders we had when you were attending Hazard High School? No, let me just answer that question for you. Back then, we had a murder rate of just 4-percent, one of the lowest in the entire state. Now, it has increased to more than twelve percent and still rising.

I want you back here where you can help me. This Obama Depression is just killing the neighborhood and we have a terrific backlog of old, unsolved cold cases. Bring your equipment with you and, what we don’t have, I will buy it for you. I can afford it, Caleb because of my profit from trading in coal which made me the richest man in Perry County. Buddy, you are the smartest man that ever graduated from Hazard High so, what you don’t know, you’ll learn. Come home, Caleb. I need you, man."

Who could resist such a sweet deal from a former buddy at a time like this? Caleb said that he certainly could not. Therefore, Caleb Baker packed up his possessions and moved his entire Laboratory Northward again. He went back to his birthplace and his beloved City of Hazard, KY. He was needed by his former best friend, Ray. So you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to understand that situation, do you? He would miss his daughter in TX and his son in Los Angeles but, what the heck, this is me and my life, right?

It was raining most of the way during his Northern journey but, he prevailed because he was so dedicated. His friend needed his help and not even a Berlin Wall could stop him. And, like the Postal System promises, ‘Neither rain, sleet or snow will burden our path’.

His journey took him from Houston to Louisiana to Mississippi to Alabama to Tennessee to Kentucky. Quite a trip but, no boring television and no more staring at her cremains. He gave his wife’s ashes to his daughter. It was her turn to look after them.

He felt that he had a future back home and he knew exactly where it was located, on Combs Street where he had spent most of his youth. The beginning of that journey was rather painful because of the sad goodbyes that he had to say to his daughter. She wanted him to stay in TX so that she could take care of him until he died.

Brenda felt that way because she had been such a good care-giver to her Mother. He explained that, for his own ‘bucket list’, his helping Ray Henry was at the top of ‘Caleb’s List’. And, there was the huge salary that was being offered. Who could say no to "200,000 grand per year, minimum?

They parted and Brenda cried but, not Caleb. He was no longer either sad or bored. He was excited about his new opportunity. Hopefully, there would be a red-headed woman in his near term future.

Thinking about that possibility gave him a stiff penis over most of the way across the Country. And, 1080-miles of stiffness is not something to brag about since it’s a peg or two below what is defined as pure torture. When he arrived at Hazard, he experienced three very pleasant happenings.

Firstly, Ray had located a brand new warehouse building where he could get his business back on track. The size and location were great for any new business venture. One of those infamous Texas hurricanes had destroyed his Texas property but, all of the equipment inside his warehouse suffered only minor water damage. That was nothing that a box of dry wiping cloths couldn’t cure. So, the equipment transfer from Texas to Kentucky and the existing forensics paraphernalia in KY were about to become neighbors, under one single roof.

Secondly, Ray had hired a real cutie as my personal ‘sex-e-tary’ and receptionist by the name of Ruby Fugate. From above her tits to below her toes, she was lavishly beautiful. And, I no longer felt like an abandoned lover. What I did feel like is some of those very fortunate men in Hollywood who have so much available sex while I have none. But, believe me, that problem would soon become history. I was on a schedule to have more sex than I could personally handle.

Thirdly, Ray had located my high school sweetheart, Doris Pratt who had agreed to let me stay with her in her house until I got settled in. I wasn’t too sure how that would develop over time but, having two beautiful women in my life wasn’t exactly ‘liver cheese’. Poor Doris had married a dentist who fancied his patients more than his wife, Doris. That arrangement led to divorce and, suddenly, the first woman of my young love life who taught me a lot about intercourse was available for me once again. Halleluiah!

Ruby, Doris and me,

What a threesome we will be.

Our joy or jollity,

Will mean pure Harmony,

Maybe.

Let’s recapitulate, shall we? At this time, Caleb had a good job with plenty of cold cases, a metallurgical business to reconstruct, and two beautiful, mature women. He pinched himself and said, "No more cremains to stare at and no more dull TV which made noises that Caleb never heard.

He had just tuned everyone and everything out of his equation. But, not any more, he was alive and living life to its fullest." He would say to the Mayor that he wasn’t in Hazard but, instead, he was in ‘Heaven’. Then, he would return to his moving-in duties where this goes here and that goes there, et cetera.

It was nice to have a lovely helper whose name was Ruby Fugate. Full occupation of Caleb’s new building would soon be finished thanks to her very capable assistance. She worked for several days to help get his new forensic business to be properly installed and to get all of the equipment up and running but, before going home, she would give him head.

Ruby enjoyed doing that and she loved swallowing his sperm but, she had an atypical ritual. Most women would quickly swallow the body fluids just to get the episode over and done with but, Ruby was different. She would spit the spermatozoa out into the palm of her hand and study it as if it was a specimen and she was a low magnification microscope.

She would stir it around with one of her forefingers, study it very closely and, then, she would smell of it before tasting a small quantity from the tip of her finger. And, if her analytical sample met her own specific standards, she would sip the spermatozoon sample back into her mouth and swallow it into her stomach.

I asked her why she did that procedure and she answered, I am absolutely terrified of a disease called hematospermia. I don’t want to drink any elements of tumors, cancers, herpes and AIDS. So, if a visual inspection detects no obvious macroscopic defects in the sperm, I will go ahead and swallow it. But, if I see something unusual in the ejaculated sample, I will stop doing it and that particular man will soon become a former lover. If it’s not a pure white color with a normal taste and smell, then I won’t do him again, not ever.

I wasn’t asked but I did tell her that she was a one smart girl to inspect the seeds that she would be expected to swallow after the fashion of Linda Lovelace. I told her that a lot of vaginal and colon cancers might be avoided using her approach. And, I wasn’t offended at all. It was like visiting the doctor’s office and giving a sample.

Regarding his sleeping habits, he wasn’t getting enough sleep because Doris, his high school girlfriend, wanted their previous relationship to become active once again, just as it was, way back when. Then, he would be on a date and into her glory hole shortly thereafter. It was fun at the time but, he was no longer nineteen years young and on a nightly schedule. Now, he was more of a weekly man because he was much older and a lot wiser.

So, now he had three loves; his job, his receptionist and his lovely landlady. Doris could still make her vagina wet so what man could ask for anything more? He was no longer sad or bored.

But, he realized that he would have to ‘manufacture’ several headaches during his near-term future. After all, the ideal relationship is one where both participants have a migraine headache at the same time. Oh, how pleasant it is to have two very good friends like Ruby and Doris.

Caleb was so happy. Cancer had shut his sex life down for the best part of twenty long years. Now, he was alive again but, he would miss Houston for some of its amenities. How shall I explain my feelings about leaving the Lone Star State? As the poet said, Let me count the ways.

First and foremost, I will miss the Medical Center where I had three heart surgeries by a pair of the best heart specialists in the whole World, Dr. Cooley and Dr. Jain. Here in this little valley of Eastern Kentucky, they do have good doctors but the better ones are 150-miles away in Lexington. It’s nice to have talent like that at your back door where it is so quickly accessible and available in Houston’s Medical Center.

I will also long for Galveston Island and the Gulf of Mexico with its bountiful supply of fresh shrimp and fish. And, gone is the cute little beach house where you can admire beautiful women strolling the sandy beach and wearing their dirty ‘strings’ with their skimpy swim suits.

Certainly, this little valley of Eastern Kentucky has no amenities like those which I have just described. However, fresh seafood can be flown in on an overnight basis but, fresh out of the water is far superior. I shall have to take up fishing again in the local waters like Carr’s Fork Dam or the North Fork of the Kentucky River.

My favorite fishing story involves a Southern refugee like myself and a man who has never left the highlands. These two men are sitting side by side on the riverbank of the North Fork. The Scottish aborigine asks Mate, how long have you been away from these here mountains? The Texas refugee replied, "Since I joined the Army at nineteen to go and see the World.

Next, I graduated from the University and pursued my career for many long years. The Scot stroked his long beard and responded, If you loved this fishing hole so much, you should have stayed here in Hazard and, then, we could have fished together whenever we liked and, I would have had a good fishing pal, one that likes it as much as I do." Not much of a joke but, right on the mark where Caleb Baker is concerned.

Being displaced in Texas doesn’t mean very much if you like river catfish as well as I do. Caleb marked a date on his calendar to go fishing again. For the present, it was time for him to begin his new career for his new boss, Mayor Henry. Their ‘moving in’ was finished so he couldn’t stall anymore. In other words, Caleb had ‘bigger fish to fry’ and, it was high time to address a forensic case.

And, he started his first case which involved Gwendolyn Bellis (Holmes) and how she was before her corruption into extremism. Back into the days of her high school years, Gwendolyn had one hell of an appetite for straight sex. Marshall Black, one of her high school sex partners, told me so. Most every boy in high school was getting some sex from her so I felt neglected.

Her purse was always full of money while my wallet was forever empty so I told her that I wanted her body and, she refused me. I asked why and I will never forget her answer.

She said, "We girls have installed peep holes through the wall over the boy’s urinal and I have studied your penis very carefully in the past. Your penis is just too small, sorry. That’s something that she shouldn’t have said to me because it was so hurtful. Listen to my essential statement that defines the reason for my anger.

My size problem began when I was about fourteen and a freshman at Hazard High. I had a strong foreskin that was affecting my ability to urinate and, as a result, I suffered from too many infections.

The circumcision went badly because of the surgeon who didn’t know what he was doing. There were a lot of scars caused by those improper suture damages. And, as a result, my penis looked like a French tickler condom. Also, it