Tales of a Country Obstetrician: Unforgettable Stories About Practicing Medicine in Alabama

By Daniel M. Avery

Daniel M. Avery has been fascinated with the human body ever since he was young, so it was natural that he should grow up to become a successful doctor.

As a funeral director, he had his first opportunity to learn about anatomy, disease processes, and trauma. He even witnessed the medical examiner performing autopsies in the morgue.

Once he became a doctor, his adventures were more interestingalthough there are decisions he regrets. For instance, he would have never called the university to tow away an illegally parked recreation vehicle if he had known it belonged to the dean of the medical school.

In spite of the seriousness of the medical profession, he enjoyed his share of light moments as well. When a female resident delivered a baby and got blood all over her, she asked if she could borrow a pair of underwear. We wear different sizes, and I only have one pair, Dr. Avery replied.

All physicians have at one time or another wished they had written down the highlights of their careers. Dr. Avery does so with no regrets, examining the challenges, adventures, and funny moments that have defined his life as an Alabama doctor in Tales of a Country Obstetrician.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 13, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475963236

Daniel M. Avery

Daniel M. Avery, MD, is the chair of obstetrics and gynecology and professor and division chief of pathology at the University of Alabama School of Medicine in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He enjoys writing journals and serves on a number of editorial review boards. He lives with his wife in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

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Copyright © 2012 by Daniel M. Avery, MD

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-6322-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-6324-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-6323-6 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012922317

iUniverse rev. date: 12/05/2012

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

I    I’ve Wanted to Be a Doctor Since I Was a Young Boy

Padded Bras and the Middle School Rose Ball

Stimulating Bowel Function

Tanner Staging of the Breasts

Shark Attack or Menstrual Bleeding?

Dancing Leads to Intercourse

Hypothermia at the First Baptist Church

Cardioversion for Not Knowing Bible Verse

II    Working as a Funeral Director and Emergency Medical Technician

Wheels Fall off Ambulance on Emergency Run

Stretcher Falls out of Ambulance

Blowing the Engine in an Ambulance

What Is in the Back of a Hearse?

Patient Steals Ambulance at Mental Hospital

Ambulance Runs to Sorority Houses

Ambulance Attendant Left at the Scene

Patient Falls out of Ambulance

Picking Up a Patient and Finding a Surprise Underneath

Ambulance Attendant Tries to Kiss Patient

Patient Too Big to Ride in an Ambulance

Ambulance Driver Stops at Restaurant to Eat

Ambulance Runs in a Hearse

I Need an Ambulance, but Don’t Bring    That %$@*! Red Truck

The Two Fears of Funeral Directors

Patient Thrown into the Snow and Pronounced Dead

Big Safety Pins on Ambulance Calls

Homemade Ambulance

III    Working in    Forensic Pathology

I Don’t Want You to Get Hurt in the Autopsy Room

William Gives Preoperative Urine and Blood Samples

Dinner with a Famous Forensic Pathologist

District Attorney Falls Asleep in Court

I Have a Dog’s Head for You

Technician Takes Fresh Surgical Specimen    into Waiting Room

Method to Increase Breast Size

Boyfriend Arrests during Intercourse

IV    Medical Student    Experiences

Don’t Throw Your Money Away Applying    to Medical School

Delivering a Black Baby to a White Woman

The Best Enema in the World

Surgeon Cannot See because of His Mask

Pediatric Nurses Pose for Playboy Magazine

Going to a Code 10 without Scrub Pants

Cadillac Dealer Markets New Coupe de Ville to Students

Breast Transplant

Code 10 with Unit Clerk, Maintenance Man, and Myself

Retrieving a Vibrator from a Man’s Colon

Sometimes Babies Do Better on the First Bounce

Telephone Cord in the Urethra

Medical Student Gets Police Escort to Hospital

This Is a Good Boy

Medical Student Wears Only a Lab Coat to Code 10

V    Residency Training in Pathology and OB-GYN

Senior Resident Explains to Family about Cancer

Baby Delivered with a Vacuum Cleaner

Nosmoking

Capitol Rotunda

Caught in the Elevator at University Hospital

Someone Calls Every Night Threatening    to Jump off a Building

Patient in the Emergency Room with Cervical Cancer

Internal Medicine Resident Examining the Vagina

Body Transported through Cafeteria

Grandmother Breast-Feeds Baby

Surgery Resident Fakes Seizure in Operating Room

Resident Could Not Tell If Patient Was Dead

Tired Surgery Residents Talk    to the Chief about Workload

Resident Eats Food Directly from Tray instead of a Plate

Naked Obstetric Patient Runs down the Hall

Patient Uses Genitalia to Stop Oscillating Fan

Interns Called to Break Up Sexual Intercourse

Dirty Penis Syndrome

Male Presents to the ER with a Picture Tube    in His Rectum

Surgery Resident Licks End of Suture

Morbidly Obese Patient Kicks Senior Resident    off the Bed

Psychiatric Patient Swallows Resident’s Sunglasses

Resident Becomes Mr. Mom

Rope Hanging Out of the Vagina

Physician by Day, Fireman by Night

Surgery Residents Get Headlights

New Intern Cardioverts His Head

Postpartum Magnesium Patient in Call Bed

Psychiatry Resident Has Sex with Patient

Female Resident Asks to Borrow a Pair of My Underwear

Not a Doctor; He Works in the Boiler Room

Ultrasounding Patient outside    the Emergency Department

Unusual Ultrasound Pictures

Clinic Patients Converted to Breech for Experience

OB-GYN Residents Perform Neurosurgery

Gynecologic Surgery Patient with Chest Pain    during Intercourse

Penis Goes Up in Smoke

I Am Going to Whip Your #%&*!    When We Get Home

A Snack during Cardiovascular Surgery

Unusual Delivery with Incense Burning    and Husband Naked

Open Reduction Internal Fixation of Dog’s Hip

Delivery of Huge Fecalith with Simpson Forceps

Dizziness Managed by Surgery Resident

Resident Wears Boy Scout Hat to Cut    Surgical Specimens

Seeing Eye Dog Growls at OB-GYN

The Fate of Most Pagers regarding Males

My First Breech Delivery

VI    Practicing Emergency Medicine in    Carrollton, Alabama

Cow at the Emergency Room Door in Pickens County

Girl with Hole in Her Cheek

Vital Signs on Me

Postmenopausal Bleeding Patient    in the Emergency Department

Patient Gets Injection in Parking Lot of Hospital

Tick on Tally

OB-GYN Has to Drive Ambulance

VII    Practicing Obstetrics    and Gynecology    in Birmingham

Patient Wants to Marry Dog

My Daddy Has a Tail

Natalie Looks up Women’s Dresses

OB-GYN Patient Asks for a Prostate Examination

My Husband Is Very Sick Because    He Passes Square Sperm

Patient Says She Needs to Get Her Cat Checked

This is a Female Dog—Aren’t You a Gynecologist?

Patient Goes Home with Vaginal Speculum    Still in the Vagina

Overdose on Iron Tablets

Patient Left in Waiting Room

Orthodontist Gives New Patient a Platter of Milk

Daniel Dials 0 for Emergency Help

Natalie Tells Her Friends I Am an Anesthesiologist

Daniel Makes Money for the Medical Missionaries

Standing Appointment with the Paramedics

Maintenance Man in Bed with Patient

Jesus in the Cafeteria Line at the Hospital

Handicapped Patient Slides off Exam Table

Napkins—Twenty-Five Cents

Mother Hands Newborn and Placenta to Hospital Guard

Patient Requests Ultrasound Report ASAP

Circumcision Is Performed and Head of Penis Falls Off

My Son Learns about Sex in Sunday School

Doctor, I Have Had an Autopsy Performed on Me

Oncology Service Complains about Brahms’s Lullaby

Patient Is Pronounced Dead by Attending    but Is Later Alive

Elderly Patient Karate Chops Paramedics

Award at Baptist Hospital for Destroying Telephones

Children Watch OB-GYN Educational Videos

Worms in the Christmas Cookies

Fire at Princeton OB-GYN PC

Don’t You Think It’s Fair That We See You Naked?

Patient Wants Epidural but Husband Says No!

Patient Delivers at Home and Husband Is Distraught

Admitted for a Kidney Stone and Made a DNR

Homeless Fourteen-Year-Old Drives Fire Truck

Patient Delivers Baby at Black Market Baby Farm

I Do Not Know Who the Father Is

You Can Make a Baby in Three Months

VIII    Practicing Obstetrics and Gynecology in Winfield

Elvis Is Alive and Delivers Baby in Winfield

Couple Has Sex in Examination Room after Office Visit

Bring Your Prescription Pad to the Family Reunion

Dumping Patient off Electric Table onto the Floor

Dog in Delivery Room

I Need to Know How to Have Sex

Family Members Stand around Bed with Lit Candles

Nurse Faxes Her Breasts to OB-GYN

Obstetric Patient Has a Toothache

Patient Gets Urine Sample for Me

No Speeding Tickets for Doctors,    Nurses, and Food Handlers

Husband Tries to Leave Wife with Bad PMS    at My Home

Physician Stopped by Winfield Police    but Not for Speeding

Are You Using Those Posthole Diggers on Me?

Stopped by the Carbon Hill Police

Pre-antibiotic Treatment for Postpartum Mastitis

Woman Catches Trichomoniasis from Cat

Postoperative Instructions about Sexual Intercourse

Laboring Patient Pushes While Eating a Chicken Leg

Minister Comes to Visit Me after Surgery

Grandmother First Assists with Stat Cesarean Section

Man Does Not Dress after Biopsy of His Penis

Guaranteed Method of Getting Family Members    to Give Blood

Practice, Practice, Practice

Bacterial Gorilla

Sex Not Only Hurts but You Gain Weight

Chief of Staff Called to Break Up Fight    in Operating Room

Watching the Sack Boys at Piggly Wiggly

Young Boy on Viagra

Postpartum Patient Inquires about Eating the Placenta

Why Most Babies Seem to Be Born at Night

Strange Visitors at Church

Called to Deliver Octuplets—Next Door

Patient Asks for a Prescription for Ecstasy

Winfield Cafeteria: That Is All You Need to Eat

Mother Delivers Ten-Pound Baby at Home    and Needs Suturing

Testicles in Mammogram Machine

The Two Best Things Are Great Sex and a Stat Section

Dirty Gloves Thrown into Patient’s Purse

Cocktail Style or Sunday School Style?

Check Warts on Penis at Family Reunion

Is ED at Your House?

Do I Look Better with My Clothes On or Off?

Woman Delivers Baby in Emergency    Department Restroom

Woman Has Terrible Vulvar Itching

Woman Has Open Laparotomy and Drives Home

My Son Asked What Breast Implants Feel Like

Office under a Swimming Pool

IX    Practicing at the School    of Medicine in Tuscaloosa

Nurse Practitioner Rotation    and the Chancellor’s Secretary

Patient Talks on Cell Phone during Pelvic Examination

Patient Dehisces and Fills Abdomen with Toilet Paper

Sunday School Teacher Brings Lesson on Ethics

A Neighbor Checked Me, and I Am    Six Centimeters Dilated

New Treatment for Postmenopausal Symptoms

Do You Have an Anatomy Picture of the Vagina?

Dean Suggests I Run Obstetric Clinic    at Mental Institution

Caught Speeding by the Mental Health Hospital Police

Placenta Has Hair on It

Summoning the University Police    to Tow Away the Dean’s RV

How to Get a Physician to the Telephone Immediately

Doctor, Our Baby Looks Exactly Like You

From the Womb to the Tomb

Special Treatment for Kidney Stones

Very Large Scrubs Are in the Back

Someone Else Is in My Call Bed

History and Physical before Knee Replacement

Medical Student Rides Bicycle to Delivery across Town

Resident Lacerates Attending’s Hand    during Cesarean Section

Sitting in Spilled Betadine in the Operating Room

Medical Student Goes Home On Call

Dr. Jones Is the Father of the Baby

Come On Home, I’m in the Bed

Giant Funny Spells (GFS)

Medical Student Cosigns Resident’s Note

Aunt Wants Vagina Checked at Family Reunion

Potato Pessaries

Department Chair Has Dermatology    Appointment with Student

Falling Down Steps after Knee Replacement

Ceiling Falls in Call Room

Sitting on the Toilet Doing Medical Records

My Wife’s White Cotton Suit and Syncope    at the First Baptist Church

Are You Sexually Active?

You Should Have Twice as Much Fun

This book is dedicated to the memory of John Roberts Faucette, PhD, MD, former chief of obstetrics at Carraway Methodist Medical Center in Birmingham, Alabama. Dr. Faucette was a master obstetrician/gynecologist and mentor to me during the time I was an OB-GYN resident. He treated his patients like they were his daughters, wife, or mother. He demanded only the best care for all, regardless of their socioeconomic status. He was the epitome of the caring physician and a model for the physician-patient relationship. As the profession goes, he was a wizard with blades and probably the best vaginal surgeon I have had the pleasure of working with. He treated the residents as sons and daughters, knowing each resident, spouse, and child by name. Dr. Faucette was the picture of great health, running five miles every day of his life, regardless of sun, rain, sleet, or snow. He suffered a cardiac arrest and died while running outside St. Vincent’s Hospital’s emergency department in Birmingham, Alabama.

Dr. Faucette earned his PhD in neuroanatomy and taught in the anatomy department at the medical school for a number of years, after which he entered medical school. Being older, he was picked on by the residents and was often asked difficult questions in the operating room, as is often the case. During a complex vaginal reconstruction operation, the residents decided to call on John Faucette and ask him detailed questions about pelvic anatomy. The residents did not know he was a premier neuroanatomist. Dr. Faucette went through every fine detail of the anatomy of the pelvis. It was every medical student’s dream. The attending physicians and residents were stunned. No one had any idea he was a seasoned neuroanatomist. It was great!

One Christmas season, I was scheduled to work both Christmas Eve and Day because one resident had lost both parents and another had a broken femur. Dr. Faucette came to me and reminded me I had two small children and a new baby and needed to be home on Christmas. I told him I would like to be but there was no one else to take my call (my on-duty shift). He told me he would take my call. I told him I couldn’t let the division chief take call for a junior resident. He said it was an order and I had to obey him. He said if it made me feel any better, if he got busy, he would call me. Of course I never heard from him.

A gentleman, a scholar, a colleague, a mentor, and a friend, he will be missed. His memory will live on in those he cared for and those he trained. I am grateful for the opportunity to have trained with him.

PREFACE

Every physician who has ever practiced medicine has probably wished he or she had written down all the unusual, unbelievable, and hilarious things that happened to him or her throughout his or her career. Unfortunately, we usually don’t. With time, these stories are usually lost. While we all experience these funny and unusual things, we usually regret not writing them. This book is a compilation of many of those stories. It has truly been enjoyable writing this book because it has allowed me to relive many experiences. It has been fun thinking about patients who have been in my life during the past thirty years. Without those patients, I not only wouldn’t have any stories, I wouldn’t have a career.

The things patients said often helped me get through the day after a long night of call or after a difficult situation with a patient or