If Only: McKenzie Cousins, #5

By Lexi Buchanan

Knowing she is leading with her heart instead of her head, Madison McKenzie accepts a job offer from Derek Jackson that sees her heading for an extended stay on his ranch. He's everything she shouldn't be attracted to, but the older man has slipped into her heart.

Derek Jackson has been alone for a long time and he certainly isn't going to start going after a woman the same age as his son. So why did he offer Madison a job knowing that she would have to spend time living on his ranch?

Her attraction to him is obvious, which certainly isn't helping his resolve to stay away from her. He needs to do something to make her stay away from him, and he comes up with a plan—he'll date a woman his own age!

• Language: English
• Publisher: HFCA Publishing
• Release date: Jul 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386737919

Book preview

1

MADISON

The sun had set hours ago, but I’m still in the same place, sitting in the lovely old rocking chair on the back porch of Derek Jackson’s home. The blanket keeps the chill away, but nothing can bring me out of the gloom I’ve sunk into.

After visiting my cousin Paige in Boston, she’s weighing heavily on my mind. The McKenzie’s are a close family, which makes me sad that Paige hasn’t mentioned to anyone about what she’s been going through.

Not only has she had a hysterectomy without any family support, but she has also had one round of chemo. It breaks my heart that she had to go through that alone. I know she hadn’t wanted to worry us, but we’re her family. We’re supposed to stick together and be there for each other no matter what. I’m still struggling to get my head around it all.

Sickness is only supposed to happen to other people. Not my family. I know that sounds cruel, but others suffering probably wonder ‘why me’ and not someone else. I guess it’s just human nature.

I tug the blanket up around my neck and move my hand to gently rub at my brow, willing the throb behind my temples to subside. It does no good, which means I’m going to have to call it a night and head up to my room for some Tylenol.

I thought you’d already gone up to bed? Derek says, moving to stand in front of me, leaning a hip against the porch.

I wonder how long he’s been standing in the doorway behind me before he’d decided to make his presence known.

I did. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to watch the sun set. I shrug. I enjoy sitting out here.

Derek studies me before looking off into the distance, not that he can see anything with the darkness having already settled in. I can see him though. Just looking at him causes a deep ache.

I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him after we’d met at Sirena and Garrett’s wedding. It wasn’t until my other cousin, Charlotte, had brought her fiancé home that I’d spent a brief time with Derek. He’s different to everyone I’ve ever met before, and so much older than I should take interest in. Something that my brother likes to remind me of on a regular basis.

Derek doesn’t look like he’s in his late forties, but he is. He’s only a couple of years older than Garrett. My way of thinking is if Sirena can fall in love with an older man then why can’t I?

He’s taller than me, with strong features. His dark hair is cropped short and when he turns his dark Gray eyes to me, my knees weaken and goose bumps trail over my skin. At one point I’d thought that he really couldn’t tolerate me, but I was so wrong. I realize that now. Or rather I’d realized after my cousin, Rachel, had pointed it out to me.

Except Derek has decided to ignore the attraction between us and has started going out with Dee. From the gossip I’ve heard, she only moved into the area three months ago and has been after Derek right from the start.

She’s okay I guess. Certainly, much closer to his age than I am. Twenty plus years isn’t all that much when you really think about it. At least that’s what I tell myself, but it obviously is too big of a gap for Derek to handle.

Twice a week I have to sit through dinner at the house while she whittles on about everything and nothing. I’m not sure Derek even pays attention. I certainly don’t.

As I watch him standing with his back to me, a tear falls, running down my cheek. Being here isn’t doing anything positive for me anymore. All I’m doing is hurting myself by watching the man I’ve fallen for, date someone else. I’ve seen him kiss her cheek as he sees her to her car after dinner, and sometimes I wonder whether he’s holding back for my benefit. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

I need to concentrate on the paintings he’s commissioned me to do and then leave. Hopefully I’ll be able to get on with my life when I get away from here. Maybe I’ll head back to Boston and be there for Paige. We could help each other. Although I have a feeling the guy who’d refused to leave her room, once she had finally allowed him inside, would have something to say about that. He certainly wanted to be wherever Paige was.

Someday, I want to find that. A man who isn’t ashamed to be with me. Someone who will look at me the way that Garrett looks at Sirena—as though she’s his whole world. I don’t think I’ll ever get that here. Derek can’t seem to get past the age difference enough to even be friendly with me. All I get is grunts in response to questions. He couldn’t care less.

Glancing at him one last time, I say, I’m going to bed.

His head snaps around, and then a frown appears across his brows. What’s wrong?

He steps toward me.

I take a step away, shaking my head. Nothing. I clear my throat from the emotional lump I’ve been trying to swallow. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Before he can say anything else, I dash inside and up to my room. With the door closed, I turn the lock and slowly slide down to the floor. My tears are no longer contained, and they flow freely down my face. My shoulders shake while I try to muffle the sound of my anguish. My tears are for Paige because seeing her looking so sick had scared me to death, which I hope I’d hidden well. I’m also crying because for the first time, in a very long time, I feel alone. Just once it would be nice to have someone wrap his arms around me and hold me tight. Someone who cares about my pain.

2

DEREK

Waiting for my first cup of coffee of the day to brew in the Keurig, I rub the tiredness from my eyes. I haven’t slept well in forever, letting Madison go up to bed last night when there had clearly been something wrong had taken everything out of me.

I’d wanted to make her tell me what was going on. Why she was so sad. My conscience insisted that I was to blame, but something told me it was more than the distance I had put between us. I know that doesn’t help, especially when I refuse to acknowledge it because of our age difference. There is something more going on though.

When I’d spoken to my son Tanner yesterday, he’d asked how Madison was and had hinted that something was wrong. He’d disconnected before I could ask him further questions.

I’d wanted to ask Madison last night but seeing her so vulnerable, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to stay away from her. It’s damn tiring having her underfoot, and I’m not even sure what I was thinking when I invited her into my home. Or maybe I did. Madison is a breath of fresh air and just being near her makes me crave things that I haven’t even thought about in a very long time. It’s my feelings for her that had me asking Dee to dinner—and now I’m in a pickle. Dee drives me crazy and not in the same way as Madison does. Oh, no. Dee drives everyone crazy with her high-pitched laughter, and her constant chatter about herself and her daughter.

The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s about time I man up and tell Dee I’m no longer interested. Not that I ever really was to begin with. She had been an excuse to keep me away from Madison. I slide a hand down my face and sigh loudly wondering how the hell my life had become quite so complicated. I haven’t been involved with anyone for years and now I’m craving a twenty-five-year-old. I’m losing my mind.

Grabbing the coffee that now sits in my favorite mug at the Keurig, I pour creamer into the dark liquid and drop sluggishly into a chair at the kitchen table. Breakfast will follow