The Indepth Me

By Jude Arnold

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In 1990 Jude lost her beloved, younger sister, Jan, in a tragic and well publicized Scuba diving accident.

In 2003 Jude published Jans diaries in the controversial, Spiritual, Erotic Memoir, Jan Does Europe, also published by Author House.

The Indepth Me is, naturally, more intense than Jan Does Europe and gets into topics in Jan and Judes relationship, like men, diet, lifestyle, and travel, in much more depth. Jude has been working on this book since 1984, when she began her bike trip around the world. It is about conquering fear, journaling, therapy, astrology, and grief-work.

The Indepth Me begins with a detailed account of Jans drowning and the letters Jude wrote Jan afterwards. Then the reader is taken back in time to the letters Jan wrote Jude just out of high school. The two sisters exchange letters about their lives, work, and trips until Jans death.

The exciting conclusion of The Indepth Me will, hopefully, thrill, encourage and inspire you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 2, 2004
• ISBN: 9781418496968

Jude Arnold

Rev. Dr. Jude Arnold is now an Ordained Minister and certified in Applied BioMechanics and Cranial Sacral Therapies. Dr. Jude Arnold has an extensive background in Education and Health Services, with special emphasis on Natural Healing. She has traveled the World extensively, learning alternative healing methods. This has also provided a wealth of experience in civil rights, non-violence, and promoting World Peace. She offers Natural Health and Whole Life education and counseling, as well as Psychic Readings and Spiritual Guidance. She has great empathy and success with Women-maidens, mothers, and crones. She has participated in Triathlons (Running, Biking, and Swimming), Modeling, Organic Gardening, Rainbow Gatherings, and Community Co-Operatives. Other interests include Astrology, Feng-Shui, Hair Wrapping, Clowning, Cultural Studies, Dancing, Devotional Chanting, Drumming, Horseback Riding, Macram, Writing, Mindfulness, and Spirituality. Check out Free Natural Health Articles on Colon Cleansing, Cellular Detox and her Wellness Rx for Miraculous Recovery at Dr Judes Online Office! http://www.drjudearnold.com Childrens Books by Dr. Jude Arnold Published by Authors House: Marci Gets A Haircut The Last Lipizzan Sparkle The Lipizzan ReUnion

Book preview

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THE NEW YOU by Dr. Jude Arnold

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Other books by Dr. Jude Arnold:

Jan Does Europe

Marci Gets A Haircut

The Last Lipizzan

SPECIAL THANKS TO

FRANCENE HART, internationally acclaimed visionary artist, FOR HER BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK!!!

Ten of her black and white pen and ink drawings grace the beginning of each chapter.

Her popular watercolor on the cover is Swimming With Dolphins.

Visit her online art gallery at www.francenehart.com.

The back cover photograph, from my personal collection, is of Jan and I in Jamaica an hour before she drowned.

The photo on the hardcover jacket, of Mr. Bojangles and me, was taken by Coco.

And thank you so much, Brenda Coda, for the excellent job editing!

Dedicated to All those who have taken me in!

Thank you All who have made this possible!

May All Be Blessed!

Table of Contents

PREFACE

CHAPTER 1 - THE LETTERS

CHAPTER 2 - THE FARM

CHAPTER 3 - THE FAST

CHAPTER 4 - THE TRIP

CHAPTER 5 - THE INDEPTH ME

CHAPTER 6 - THE MEN OR THE GRIEF

CHAPTER 7 - THE GROWTH

EPILOGUE

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PREFACE

I promised to tell you the complete story of Jan’s death.

She was 32.

It happened in Ocho Rios, Jamaica, West Indies

on March 16, 1990 at 10:10 a.m.

It was a scuba diving accident.

Two other people died. I have changed the names of the other divers.

All other details, from my point of view, are entirely true.

The story begins more than one and a half years earlier, when I won a trip to Jamaica. I was listening to the car radio driving to the cities from Up North. I recognized the Reggae club; it was Downtown Minneapolis. They were giving away a free trip for two to Jamaica. I told Jan I wanted to go and win it. She organized a party of 8 friends.

There weren’t many people at the club when we all arrived together. We asked the manager, Is there any limit to how many times a person may enter the contest? He said, No. I filled out 7 of the entry forms, my lucky number. The others in our party also filled out 7 or so; but put my name on them! I won all the prizes they gave away that night!

The following winter I had an opportunity to go to Jamaica, and be part of a private school and organic farm. I was going to go for 8 months anyway; so…I gave the free trip to my sister, Jan. She wrote me that she and Mike were not going to come to Jamaica that winter. She was able to make arrangements to use the free trip next year. Oh, and it’s a scuba trip that we won!

The next year came around; Jan and Mike weren’t lovers anymore. She and I happily planned to take the scuba trip together. We both had taken scuba certification courses and passed our open water dives. That was years earlier, and in a Minnesota Lake! We had not been diving since.

We attended a scuba practice session in an indoor swimming pool. It did not go very well. I was cold and uncomfortable. We were both a little scared.

We met the other people we would be going with at the dive shop to rent our equipment. Jan and I were the only ones who had won the trip and the only ones on any kind of a budget. We couldn’t afford all the stuff we were supposed to rent. We decided to go without a depth gauge.

Then we were on the plane to Jamaica, psyched about our adventure - albeit slightly frightened of ocean diving. Jan said to me, I am going to conquer fear, live life fully and just go for it.

We were having a wonderful time; Jan and I in a room together right on the ocean. The minibus driver who picked us up at the airport told our group, the only one at the villa; Just enjoy your stay and forget about scuba diving! We just had a big storm. The sea looks beautiful but it will not calm down for another week!

We were Americans, only there for a week and determined to dive. We took the first day or two off and enjoyed the beach; then we were READY.

Jan and I were buddies on the first two dives. Going out in the boat for the first dive made me so sea sick I did not get under the water. Jan had to try to keep me from bobbing away while I was puking.

Jock, our young, handsome dive master, came with us from Minnesota. Jan and I adored him. Jock advised us on the second dive, Go down right away! The bottom will be much smoother. It wasn’t. I was rolling around in the sand, 30 feet under the water, puking. Jan was afraid she was going to lose me.

I wasn’t the only one getting sea sick; four others were having difficulty, too. The group was planning for the next day a deep dive, 90 feet. It was thought that the water would be calmer and clearer at this place called, Devil’s Reef. Jan told me she did not think I should nor did she want me to go on this deep dive. I agreed. She and Kim agreed to be buddies. I made plans to give Lucy a massage.

Jan and Nathan, our Jamaican dive master, went for an after dinner swim. Telling me about it later, she said they skinny dipped. Jan had found rubbing against him in the dark ocean very exciting, romantic, and pleasurable.

Everything was beautiful on the morning of the deep dive. I saw Jan and Kim off at the minivan; I waved and said, Take care of each other and have fun!

I had just finished giving Lucy a massage when she and I were told, There’s been an accident!

The minivan took us to the beach. Lucy was crying on the way there. I never believed for an instant that any serious harm could possibly come to my beloved sister, Jan, a devote Christian.

The first thing we noticed arriving at the beach were thousands of people, spectators at the scene of the accident.

Right away, Lucy was whisked away. Her husband and son were taken to a decompression chamber at a marine biology research center. She left to be with them.

Others from the group were walking towards me off the dock. Art was the first to speak: The shit is going to hit the fan. He had already decided to sue. Jock screamed at me frantically, We can’t find Jan and Kim. He went back out to sea one mile with other professional divers to look for them.

I was permitted on the dock, alone, to view Nathan’s dead body. He came up too fast. In life, a handsome, trim, white man; in death, a purple manatee, blood coming out of all orifices.

I stumbled off the dock, across the white sand, to sit down in the shade. I felt faint. I was sweating profusely and very thirsty. Four women approached me and offered to take care of me in one of their rooms. They were all staying at the hotel on the beach, student nurses on holiday from Wisconsin. They said they did not know each other, nor did any of them have a sister.

There were so many bureaus of the JA and US governments that needed to talk to me. The 4 women harbored me during this process in the shade of their cool room, with a glass of ice water and a wet cloth for my forehead. An official from the US Embassy took Jan’s passport from me.

When it seemed I could do no more there, the four women went with me to do the hardest thing ever, call home and say, I lost Jan!

Everyone believed that Jan was lost at sea ON A BOAT - until the next. call…

The four women went with me back to the villa. We walked on the beach until the others from the accident returned to the villa. I never saw the 4 women again. They’d given me their addresses; I wrote all 4 of them. They never answered. That’s when I knew they were Angels.

The helicopter search for Jan and Kim would continue for over a week. Jock stayed in Jamaica to keep looking. Our families needed to cling to the hope that they could still be alive. No trace of their bodies was ever found.

It’s taken me thirteen years to get around to telling you this story. It’s taken that long to piece it together. I’ve talked to the divers on that dive and professional divers all over the world; I’ve seen the reports from the marine biology research center and the depositions and findings from the lawsuit. I’ve consulted many psychics about my sister’s death.

So, as far as I can tell, here is what happened:

The nine divers assembled on the boat are: Jan, Kim, Lucy’s husband and son, Ed, Art and Wayne, including dive masters, Jock and Nathan. After waiting for a third dive master for over an hour, the captain of the fishing boat wants to get going. (That’s right; a fishing boat, not a dive boat!) Angry words are exchanged between the captain and Nathan. The captain maneuvers the boat away from the dock. The other dive master, the one who knew where they were going, runs onto the dock. He is waving his arms and shouting Wait for me! The captain does not go back for him but cusses him instead. Out at sea the captain and Nathan argue again over where the reef is.

The boat does not drop anchor at the dive site.

Lucy’s son hears a voice; You are going to die.

What?

Well, someone is going to die here today.

He still feels guilty that he did not heed the premonition, but what could he have done?

The nine divers circle up. They fall back into the water, entering perfectly as a group. Going down, Nathan is in the lead. Wayne is having trouble with his ears. Jock hangs back to help him. Ed is watching his depth gauge and stops at 100 feet. Jock instructs Wayne and Ed to return to the boat together.

Lucy’s son feels like he is in a huge river of current going down fast. They must have missed the reef. He and his dad, Jan, Kim, and Art are all standing now.

They are in awe at the whitest sand, the bluest blue, the biggest shells and tallest grasses EVER. Feeling quite blissful, Lucy’s son looks at his depth gauge.

It is off the scale, way too deep for the sport diving mixture of oxygen and nitrogen in their tanks! He and his dad begin their ascent, but run out of air. When they reach the surface, they are passed out, bleeding from the nose and ears.

Jock sees Jan and Kim down there. Art is freaking out. They are trying to help him. Jock swims down towards them. Nathan is on his way up! His hands are up and his shoulders are shrugged as if to say, Beats Me! Jock angrily commands Nathan, in scuba sign language of course, Get down there and help those people!!!

Nathan continues his ascent. His scuba gear was blown off his body. On autopsy, he was found full of cocaine.

Jock reaches the three divers still down. He makes eye-contact with Kim and Jan. They look good. They are not panicking like Art is. Jock motions to Jan and Kim to come with him. He grabs Art and drags him to the surface, fully believing Jan and Kim are right there with him. They may not have realized the serious crisis they were in. None of the divers released their weight belts to make easier the arduous swim to the surface.

The report from the marine biology research center hailed Jock’s tremendous athletic feat of carrying another diver over 300 feet without air. The topography of the ocean floor was described as a 15 degree angle, going towards the abyss, the immeasurable bottom.

Jan and Kim may not have been strong enough to make it back. They probably died instantly of nitrogen narcosis.

That evening, back at the villa, I received a telegram.

Several friends at home in Minnesota had a vision of Jan. She was swimming with dolphins. She did not know she was dead. She had Angel’s surrounding her just as I did.

The dolphins were helping her, helping her adjust to her change in form.

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CHAPTER 1 - THE LETTERS

Dear Jan,   June 16, 1990

Superior National Forest

The Gathering is happening. I do love it and it feels so important; the politics of exercising our right to peaceably assemble. We are demonstrating how to live in peace and harmony. We have problems, same as society, but are struggling to find healing thru LOVE.

I’ve been doing yoga every morning (now again) before our sister circle. I love singing and chanting and praying every morning with the other women here.

Once I got my camp all set up and feeling at home here in the woods, I shared with my Sisters in Circle about your death.

Mainly, now….

I’m wanting so much….

to establish my own strong psychic connection and communication with you.

Jahyanti told me something that really struck me. I must let go of your physical form as I knew and love.

I’ll never see you again like that. You don’t look like that anymore. I must find you inside myself. Jahyanti put her hand over her gut.

Later that day, feeling very loved and protected, I cried, really wailed for 4 hours. It was the deepest I’d gone in the realization of my grief. Yet it felt like the beginning.

I feel so bad that I don’t know what you look like anymore.

It is so hard for me to find that quiet place within.

Ever since that good cry, I’ve been feeling quite depressed. It’s been raining and cold.

I make myself swim anyway, every day. I still have that same cough.

I’m looking forward to Shelly coming up this weekend.

I feel such a deep yearning to be touched. But I don’t want to depend on him too much.

This morning I woke up with that stabbing pain under my right shoulder blade; I’ve had it since you died; but it had been gone since my last body work. I will get some help here at the Minnesota Rainbow Family of Living Light.

I love you so much and miss you so much; I’m not sure how I am going to live without you!!!

Love, Jude

Dearest Jan,   January 7, 1991

Burnett, Wisconsin

I pray to the 4 Directions to be with me as I write these letters. I miss you so much; I have to do something. I want so much to establish communication with you and my Higher Self.

You know, it has been very difficult to begin this journal, Jan; of course, I am afraid of the pain. I must work thru this grief. From the beginning, (when you died and I stayed) I could see my same old ultimate challenge: To be happy no matter what….Oh, Honey, I’m so sad, though. I’ve given myself a stomachache, now, too.

So, I still just can’t believe you died; especially when you felt and had me convinced that we were going to be old ladies together. Right! We still can be in another realm. Cool!

But what about the rest of my life?

I don’t want to spend it without you!

See, my will to live has really been majorly affected. You know? (I think you understand everything now.) And my self esteem is just shot. I can’t believe I’ve felt so poorly equipped, so unprepared and so shocked.

I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t for 10 months now.

Aside from expressing my feelings…. Yeah, I feel I’ve been doing that. You know, though, the feelings just go so deep…. And with our many lifetimes and all….It really is the sadness of the Universe we’re dealing with here.

Thanks for the message that you’ll always be with me!

And for all the angels and miracles!

It just seems with the strength of our love, tho, I shouldn’t have to miss you like this at all.

Why can’t I see you? Why can’t we talk?

Is there something wrong with me that I can’t feel you with me? I feel so separated and dark inside. Why can’t I have enough faith to bring us together again? It’s so awful, Jan; I know you must be doing all you can to help me. CAN YOU HELP ME? What a bummer! Fuck!

Do you remember our pledge not to kill ourselves for the other? I reckon it still applies, unfortunately. I guess I wouldn’t want to take all this misery and bitterness with me. It’d be nice, though, for us both to know we are going to be O.K. Love, Me

Dear Jan,   January 15, 1991

I’m feeling pretty discouraged lately….about the war and destruction of Mother Earth on the grand scale. On the personal scale, about my inability to love and be happy. I am still hoping, maybe, there’s some way I can see, hear and talk to you whenever I want.

I guess I’m discouraged, too, about even keeping this journal. Should I really write to you like about my life?

You know, I feel so much pressure to get it together. But what for? And how? I have such an inclusive feeling of I don’t know what to do, about so many things.

Most of the advice I get is to focus on what I want. And it still comes down to I don’t want to live without you. Do I really have to?

Another discouraging thing is my iridology. I’m full of poison and genetic weaknesses. I shouldn’t be thinking about passing them on. I’m afraid. I would like to get the issue settled tho - Am I to have children in this life or not?

This deal about having to take care of myself sucks. It’s so overwhelming and never ending and such a struggle. Do you have to worry about it anymore?

Sorry this letter’s so down. I guess I’m trying to get the poisons out and the positive juices flowing.

Love, Me

Dearest Jan,   January 25, 1991

I miss you so much. It’s so awful. I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do.

Things are really at an all time low emotionally right now. I’m still thinking alot about suicide. Of course, anyone I share those feelings with says, Oh, No, Don’t! But I’m not convinced that it wouldn’t be a spiritual solution.

This world is just too weird. Money has really got me down. I’d like to get away. I know you understand. I’m just so disgusted, discouraged and frustrated about everything. I still just don’t know what to do.

I seem to be in more emotional distress, now, than ever. There’s nothing I feel good or excited about. I don’t even feel safe to write about how bad I feel.

Dear Jan,   February 17, 1991

I’m here house-sitting again and have a terrible cold.

Sorry I’ve been so slow about this. All sorts of things come up that I want to write about; mainly getting along with others….Shelly specifically. But I start worrying about him reading it and I become incapacitated.

Course, I think about you all the time and am passionately pursuing my spiritual growth, thru the challenge you have left me. Most of the time I feel I’m not making any progress.

A few weeks ago I became so frustrated and stressed out at Shelly I freaked out at him. Hissing, spitting, screaming, crying, pacing. It was awful. I decided I need counseling, a break and to lighten up.

Anyway, so he is not here, now.

Since then, maybe, at least the past couple weeks I’ve been feeling a little bit more alive.

So I remembered in a past life regression that I could start to kinda pray to you, like you did with JANET. Shelly is one of the things I really need help with. I want your involvement in my relationship, in our money problems and whether we’re supposed to have children. And for the inspiration to have an anniversary ritual for you.

Even though I had that great vision of the Light Beings removing the huge backpack of guilt from my back, I must still have to deal with it. Like stop stuffing it! I also have to be thankful for all I’ve had. I must still have it!

See, I feel it’s my fault I guess that we’re separated. Like, if I could just get past these fucking, carpet-thick veils to my inner Goddess, you’d be right there!

I know you’re here with me all the time but I still miss ya. I guess it’s accepting this change in our way of living together. I’m still not accepting it. I’m still dreaming it’s all a mistake; you were just lost at sea and you’re coming home.

The ritual to honor the anniversary of a soul-mate’s death is supposed to be done alone.

I want to adapt it to a group.

My intention is the deepest experience of your presence.

Am I scared?

Will write again soon.

Love and Peace, Jude

Dear Jan,   February 27, 1991

West Bank, Minneapolis

I’m planning the women’s ritual, ya know? I sure hope you’ll be able to come….I almost said, to the party.

Suddenly I feel so sad. Will I ever be able to party again?

Actually, you know, I’ve been feeling a lot better now for a while.

Oh, it’s great. Like I actually feel excited and like celebrating.

Course, ya know, this is all confounded (compounded?) with my being in love now with Shelly. It doesn’t seem lately that I’ve been doing very great in the self care end of it. Maybe I don’t spend enough time meditating and trying to communicate with my Higher Self.

Off to go cross-country skiing by the Mississippi River.

Love and Peace, Jude

Dear Jan,   March 16, 1991

I know you were here tonight. I’m still going to write the entire thing down now….

So I will remember!

The women present were: Antiga, Myself, Fran, Nancy, Pamela, Jessica, Clair, Sherie and Marcia. They arrived at 6:30 p.m.

I shared my plan to create a setting or form for each woman to do her own work. I invited them to join me in releasing and celebrating You and anyone else they wanted to include.

We purified ourselves and the sacred objects on the alter by burning Grandmother Sage. We lit candles and called the Four Directions. In the Center we called You and anyone else.

We sang We Are Opening. Antiga led us in a guided meditation in which we imagined You here.

Then we made cards. It was fun, sharing as we did. My card was from You. On the cover was a beautiful butterfly on a pink background. You said, this on the inside:

"Dear Jude, Yes, it’s true, Really! I am always with you!

You can call upon me to be with you anytime. Talk to me, Jude! Even though I’m still very busy, I’m so happy and I want you to be, too.

Love, Jan"

The we Raised Energy and asked for what we need; we sang, She Changes Everything She Touches, and danced the Spiral Dance making noise with instruments. We Grounded the Energy.

We began our closing by talking about our feelings about anything we had said, done or sung. We Thanked You first, dismissed and Blessed the Directions and Saged again.

We ended with cookies, tea and fruit and a Give Away.

Each woman took something of yours from the alter home with them.

Blessed Be!

Dearest Jan,   April 28, 1991

I haven’t written for a while. Why? I don’t know.

Tonight, I am feeling a need for some heavenly advice.

The ritual, ya know, was wonderful. Thank you! It was a baptism for me into my new life.

Life without you…. I guess it’s not that much worse.

I miss you so much.

Right; even though everything’s still wonderful and perfect.

I promise to continue celebrating your constant presence in my life!

So, what is going on? What am I supposed to do now?

Please, Please, can’t you help with what’s going on between me and Shelly right now?

I haven’t had a good cry since before the ritual and really need one now; I guess because I’m really tired and I have a bad cold.

It just seems the same old story of a broken relationship.

We have loved each other so good for a year. How could it all disintegrate instantly?

And what about all these feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, and failure? Alcoholism?

Dear Guides and Masters, please help me give up sugar!

And, please, could you make it clear to me whether I’m supposed to do this bike trip or not?

But, please, no physical injury! Thank you!

Is there something I can do for you?

Dear Jan,   June 5, 1991

Superior National Forest

Just a quickie. Not enough time or privacy for myself these days.

Feeling tremendous frustration right at the moment.

Say, what was that Clair said you said? I’m coming? Are you going to reincarnate?

Am I going to get pregnant? We have too many babies as it is!

Are we going to get the connection I long for?

Am I going to be able to see and talk and have fun with you again?

And, really, thanks for coming to me across the water thru Clair’s flute! She got it from You at the ritual, ya know!

Dear Jan,   July 21, 1991

West Bank, Minneapolis

I need to check in with you… whatever that means and whatever I’m trying to do here.

I could really let a sad face melt heavy on if I thought I could catch a moment of privacy.

You can probably tell I’m in a bad, fucking mood. I wish it wasn’t such a big deal.

I hope you know there’s been a lot going on. I don’t want to try and write down everything that happened on the way to the Vermont Rainbow Gathering, with having a car accident and getting busted, everything that happened there and everything that’s happening, now, here on the farm with Shelly and his son. I carried you in heart.

So, yeah, there’s a lot happening but did you allude to something or was it me; that it might all just be external? I feel so discouraged about my progress internally.

Carrying you with me in heart still just isn’t good enough!

But it’s almost like I just can’t shake this bad mood. I still get just frantic anxiety over the question what should I do. Even when the answer keeps coming up, always have fun!

So, I sure hope you’re up on my injury from the accident and doing everything you can to help - even though we have not established if you can, in fact, help at all. Edna said you were there when it happened. Anyway - it’s a big deal.

Dear Jan,   August 7, 1991

I’m feeling depressed, discouraged and lonely.

And there’s that frustration I don’t know what to do with.

Two days ago, the 7th anniversary of Dad’s death, was a terrible day. I had a big fight with our landlord and completely degenerated down to his animal and abusive level.

That morning I’d had a dream that Shelly was paralyzed. I don’t think he can help me.

For a few hours that day I had the motivation and decisiveness to act. I knew I had to move and was ready.

It didn’t work out with Antiga though; so now I don’t know where to move.

I know I’m still dealing with the grief of losing you and still healing from that car accident injury.

I should be easy on myself.

Even after hearing from Moksha how Linda suffered after killing herself, I still can’t stop thinking about suicide as the only option that makes any sense.

We are working hard but not getting anywhere….

I’m not happy nor am I having any fun. It’s awful. Shelly feels bad that he can’t help.

If I think about depending on him, I just get jealous and insecure.

The anger that exploded at the landlord is just suppressed again, now.

I must be as sick and in need of therapy as I think he is.

I don’t feel there’s anyone or anything I can turn to.

Sufi dancing last night was beautiful.

Maybe in a few days I’ll chock all this up to PMS?

But, I do need to get out of here. I have enough to do but no place to do it.

I don’t want to stay here this winter. Shelly said to me the other day, We’ve been together almost 2 years now. If you’re going to leave me you better go now!

I don’t want to go without his loving but lately I haven’t been getting much.

Probably because I haven’t been giving much!

In ways I feel I’ve given up everything that matters to me and am doing nothing for myself.

Am I ready to get back and deeper into hermitage?

I wish I could get some more clear guidance from my dreams. I wish I could get inspired about something. Everything is drudgery.

The Saturday Organic Farmers Market has turned into such a monstrous ordeal. I hate it. I’m in one of those moods. I hate everything, especially those violent thoughts about the landlord. I hate him.

It’s amazing I’ve gone this many weeks now under this stress without getting sick.

Maybe I’m not getting enough endorphins from pleasurable aerobic exercise.

Just been working in the garden. I wish it could heal me.

Please help me if you can break thru this shell!

I’m sorry to be such a bummer, Jan. I certainly don’t want to be dragging anyone down.

I’m just not feeling too good emotionally, right now.

Like I just can’t shake this miserable bad mood. I know it’s nothing new.

It’s been there my whole life, this sour expression and chip on my shoulder. What should I do? I keep trying to snap out of it just by choosing to be cheerful. I just keep getting bummed out.

It’s the same old cycle of self hatred. I’m stuck and I wish I was dead and you weren’t.

I still feel I need some reassurance that your death was the way it was supposed to be.

Why’d you think we were gonna be old ladies together?

I’m stuck with myself, I guess.

I had the opportunity to go dancing to the Maroons tonight. I just felt too shitty to be out, in public. I’ve got to do something tho to cheer myself up. What?

I can’t even think of a friend I could stay with a couple weeks.

Aside from suicide all I keep thinking of right now is getting into a tropical wilderness alone.

I need to find some joy in something. Right now there’s nothing. I’m tired.

Dear Jan,   August 21, 1991

Burnett, Wisconsin

Four days and nights now I’ve been alone, hiding in the trailer. I’ve gotten out, to do a garden project each day, to use the phone, to ride my bike, to swim and do yoga.

I’ve also gotten some much needed sleep and alone time. I’ve thought a lot.

One of the things I’ve thought is that, in spite of all the miracles and messages, I feel guilty that you died. Somehow I killed you. I really need to know your death was not an accident. Perhaps I will be lead to a psychic/astrologer or someone who can prove it to me.

I’m totally infuriated with Shelly right now. I haven’t seen him since last week. He says he’s just working and tired. I don’t believe him. I know he is doing coke. I’m hurt and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to spend any time with me up here at the lake.

I’m just not getting any closer to you, the Goddess within.

Fall is just around the corner. I’ve got that can’t stand summer to be over panic. I’ve been dreaming and scheming a winter elsewhere. Shelly says he wants to come with me; but we’ll see.

Yeah, there’s still a lot of grief and shock.

It’s been a year and a half, Jan, and I can hardly believe it.

I haven’t heard anything for awhile about the lawsuit. I still hope they’ll just leave me alone.

Fran and Nancy know about my lingering suffering over your death. Fran says she’s sad when I am. I hate to make her sad of all the beautiful people. The other night, we had as much fun as if you’d been there (maybe). Nancy loves me, has a more potent homeopathic remedy in store and promises more body work. But she’s very busy.

So part of the problem, of my not getting excited about anything, is not only related to your death. You and I were talking about it before you died; that I felt this way. I also remember that I had an ever present, feeling of impending doom. Ya think I might have known you were gonna die?

Oh good, finally, some tears flowing. I’ll come back to this.

It’s 2 a.m. now. I still can’t sleep. Couldn’t get up a good cry either. I’m just laying here saying shit like, "Why do you do this to me, Shelly, torment me and drive me fucking crazy? It sucks. There were vehicles going by all day. Every truck had me listening attentively; Is that him?

I’m just as lonely feeling right now as if I didn’t have a lover.

September 8, 1991

Been feeling O.K.

Got a message today. You are still in touch but traveling now in the outer orbits of the Universe.

All life is make believe - you make it up; then you believe it. Kaba

Dearest Sister Jan,   January 3, 1991

Port Antonio, Jamaica

I’m having a little ritual tonight. I need to pray. I’ve been reading about Santeria and wishing for another level of healing in our grief process. The thing last March was good but I’m discouraged about progress since then.

Notice I haven’t written for awhile. Give Thanks for the miracle of my being in JA these holidays. Weird how it worked out that Shelly’s not here with me. I’m going to do a bring my lover back spell tonight.

One of the real biggies for this fall I see here, rereading the last year, is my healing.

I spent 3 weeks at the lake last fall. Got snowed in for the big Halloween dig out. 36’’ in 24 hours! Then, had a wonderful Thanksgiving in upstate New York.

More about what’s going on here is some solitude and time to relax. Thinking it is almost as if you hadn’t died. There’s a timelessness about being here for me. I’m lonely and struggling with my life goals just as I was here 3 years ago.

I read in Santeria that not only can you, my Ancestor, help me; but you and my other Goddesses need my help. So I continue to pray for a break-thru in communication. A time for us to connect and share our needs. I’m still learning, obviously, how you can be with me all the time. I always believed it; I just don’t want to go on missing you.

About Shelly, still rereading, I must have written in this journal when I was bummed about him.

Or it looks like I could have been bummed a lot. I really miss him and don’t want to live without him either. I haven’t written about how wonderfully nurturing he is. I have loved our relationship and am so thankful for his comfort and support those first 2 years after you died.

Thank you, too and again, for the fantastic lifetime of good loving! I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you and Shelly. I keep having flashbacks of that scene of you hating me on that canoe trip with Mike. I feel I need some cleansing from your anger. Nancy affirms that these things don’t trouble you any longer.

So, aside from these issues - grief over losing you, Shelly, now, and interest in life - I’m still on this must take care of myself trip. I must use this time now - here in JA- with the challenges it brings- to get healthier in body, mind and spirit.

Nancy did give me a homeopathic remedy. It seems to have been what got me out of Shelly’s brother’s basement. But I don’t think it’s working any longer. I’m still sad and depressed. My will is so fragile. I’ve been off my diet. Here 2 weeks and only rode to the sea twice.

I have books I brought along to study. Projects to create and complete. I must be meditating. Now that I’m here I expect what I’m supposed to do next in my grief work to be revealed. So I just want to get on with it.

Letter-writing to others, etc. If he’s coming he is; if not, he’s not. I know I need to be here.

And I’ll be writing more. Remember I was here when you wrote me that excommunication letter before your trip to Europe? That seems to be a complicating bummer I’ll have to deal with. So, on with the ritual!

Love and Peace, Jude

Dear Jan,   January 28, 1992

Just wanted to make a few notes. That timelessness persists. Not the discouragement. I’m almost happy and having fun.

I’ve made plans to go to Ochi with Caty weekend after next. Just kind of want to agree with you and my other angels that if it’s supposed to happen it will; if it isn’t, it won’t, OK?

Haven’t heard a word from Shelly.

It really made me feel good yesterday to get paid for my work here in the little school.

I took a puppy. After it disturbed my sleep every night, thankfully, I was able to give it back.

I need to talk more about the rest of my life.

I have no plans other than to go to the Gathering this summer. Love you! Jude

Dear Jan,   February 6, 1992

Bob Marley’s Birthday

I’m excited. This is the weekend Caty and I planned to go to Ochi. I’m sitting on the dock at the marina, waiting for the captain of the boat, Steve. Of course, I’ve been really praying about the whole thing and trying to stay focused on what I’m doing.

(continued February 8, 1992)

It’s been fun being with Caty. We didn’t end up sailing so I didn’t have to deal with sea-sickness. We did visit the villa where I last saw you and the beach and dock where you left from. I knew you wouldn’t be there. There was not much warmth or friendliness. But I was glad to see everything’s still there and no one had lost their job.

So I’m sitting in our lovely, open hotel room looking out over the sea about a mile from where you died. Really enjoying the time I’ve had this weekend on the sea. I’m thinking about getting back to Port Antonio but Caty could easily talk me into staying until Monday. We’ll see what happens tonight at the Bob Marley Birthday Party!

Back to the sea ….(She is so beautiful.) and you and me. I guess I’m still wishing for more comforting messages about how I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing you. It feels like there’s even still more tears to shed….and cynicism to deal with.

But overall, I really give thanks for the love, beauty and happiness that is still in my life.

I want to just stay with that good thought, now.

Dear Jan,   March 18, 1992

Full Moon

So, now it’s been 2 years since you died. I still can’t believe it. There’s definitely been some healing. The pain is not anywhere near as acute but it’s not resolved either. So it’s less a physical problem of grief but a deeper, spiritual and psychic problem. I have questions, maybe for an astrologer.

Oh- major bummer and stress! The lawyers contacted me; they wrote me here in JA! If I don’t cooperate and give a deposition I’ll be forced to. It makes me sick that I can’t avoid this thing. It’s like worse than my worst fears. Everything I’ve ever tried to keep from being exposed. I don’t know what to do, Jan. Should I run away? There’s a cynicism in this whole thing; one can never really run away.

I try and keep calm and control the stress creating inside me. I’m going to go thru the trouble of getting myself some legal counsel. I am acquainted with a Rainbow woman lawyer. I think I’ll contact her. If I have to go thru this I absolutely must create a support system for myself. I want a legal advisor to go thru the whole thing with me. I feel it is extremely critical. I hope I can afford to hire her to speak for me throughout the whole thing. I’m just praying for all my angels to come to my aide in this horrible situation in which I find myself.

May none of this have a reflection on the love we shared in life - I refer to it now as unconditional love.

We had the gift.

Oh, I miss you so much. What am I going to do with the rest of my life without you?

What if, here at my 40th birthday, my life is only half over?

I did get a packet of love letters from Shelly. That was nice but sent me into some shaky confusion. I was getting used to the idea of dealing with all of the BS without the support of his love; I don’t know what lies ahead for us.

Haven’t had a good cry in a long time.

March 24, 1992

A final note before I fly back to Minneapolis.

I just want to add a positive thought. Maybe I’ll be surprised and see some things resolved.

Thank you, again, Angel, for being with me.

Love and Peace, Jude

missing image file

Oh Jude,   February 21, 1978

South Minneapolis

Why am I the way I am?

Why do I feel the way I do?

Why do I choose to deal with my life the way I do?

I eat when I’m depressed.

I hide when I’m under stress.

Why do I choose to run away instead of facing life head-on?

In my fantasies I plan to do wonderful things:

to make beautiful afghans and quilts;

to see beautiful shores and oceans;

to run thru fields and meadows at the feet of miraculous mountains.

I dream of children and lovers.

I dream of early morning coffee in a sunshine yellow kitchen.

I dream of chatting with friends.

I dream of being sophisticated, terribly intelligent and beautiful.

I dream of being wild, care-free and always ‘just a kid’.

How do I go confidently in the direction of these dreams? Which way do I turn? Does every move I make today lay a stone in the path of tomorrow? Which way do I go? What do I do? Where am I going with my life?

Will I carry it in my pocket forever? Jan

Oh Jude,   February 22, 1978

In my ever constant search to find myself, to discover my hopes, dreams and the reality of my direction, I find myself wanting to escape. To escape the harshness of life. In finding that life can be a chore, that the gratification thru completion of a goal is not always what it was thought to be or set out to be is the depressing reality of life.

In the constant driving push of tomorrow, my search goes on. I find myself trapped, encircled in a whirlpool of dubious ambivalence; fraught with the obscurity of searching out life’s meaning. It’s like a dark room, with the whirling winds of a winter’s night’s storm. The chilling emptiness of reality.

The question of tomorrow, the satisfaction of finding those dreams, completing those goals, grasping on to life and pulling with all my might is reality that leaves me feeling diffuse. All loose ends. I’d like to procrastinate tomorrow to digress or elude it all together.

Am I running blindly? Is there really nothing to fear? Will my future fall into some perfect, pellucid order someday? Will I ever know my destination? Can I grasp these hopes and dreams? Can I really have control over my life? Must I act now? Can I sit back and let it slide awhile? Or will it all slide into some pot at the bottom of time, only to realize it’s gone? Like the sands of time in an hour glass.

What is the meaning of life? What is it for? What am I in the realm of time?

In the elusive magic of happiness, in my search to obtain it, will I lose it? One day to wake up vindictive and bitter. Or will I annihilate myself before I realize the decadence of depression?

Ah, life is only a saga, a legend of the government of myself.

Am I a fuehrer in the autocracy of my life?

Slowly destroying any chance of happiness, of ease of life, by this ever-constant search?

Will this story ever end? Jan

Dewey,   March 23, 1978

You’ve been in my thoughts a lot. I’ve missed you. You seem wonderful to me.

Your newness is delightful. You’re refreshing.

My thoughts my seem dubious to you.

They seem diffuse, because they are only fragments of the complex mechanism of my being.

If only you knew me. I’d like to know you fifty years.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to blow you away.

I don’t want to get blown away by you.

Letters are so obscure.

If only I could see the letters in your eyes, and read the expression on your lips.

If only I knew your mind, what your thoughts are, what you feel, your hopes and dreams.

What is your individual viewpoint on living? I wish I already knew you.

The struggles of growth needed to obtain the strength of friendship frighten me. I am scared to know the pits of your anger and the bite of distaste. I want you to know all of me but I am hesitant about the process involved.

I want to conceal those ugly parts that you might not like.

I may not know, may only be spewing words and acting on those first strong emotions of mine.

These are my thoughts. They may be rash or uncalled for.

Should I shelter these new, exciting wonderfully warm feelings for my new friend?

I don’t want to scare you or feed you any undue pressure.

You are yourself.

I am me.

Don’t let me stitch us together in haste.

I like you, Dewey. Jan

(Oh Jude, this love affair did not last long; here’s the 2nd letter I wrote him!)

Dewey,   April 7, 1978

I know it’s hard for you to understand a girl like me. I love a lot of people. Because you don’t trust me or believe the reality of my words as truth, I know that it is hard for you to believe.

I love you, Dewey; you hold a part of my heart and are constantly in my thoughts.

I’m not sure why it’s you. You’re not a great man. You’re not really even exceptional. You’re a man. For some reason, I had chosen you out of all the rest to share myself with. I know this is hard for you to believe, Dew; but it’s true.

I have needs, Dew, that you aren’t fulfilling. I think this is your own decision. I want to say out of pain and anger, you don’t know what you’re missing. You couldn’t!

For awhile you were around a lot and I loved it. Now that you’re not, I don’t feel much anymore. I’ve released my hurt and anger. But I wanted you to know what I felt. I wanted you to have an explanation of why I may seem cold. I’ve given up on you. I had dreams for us. I loved you. I actually still do. But I’ll refuse it because you’re not here. If you were around me, and trusted me that I loved you and decided to be my lover, I’d share the world with you. I’ve got so much to give.

But I’m not going to waste anymore time on you. Do as you wish! Be by yourself if you want!

It’s only because you choose it. I feel angry. I think you’re stupid not to love.

I think you’re fooling yourself that life is good without it! Jan

Oh Jude,   April 20, 1978

South Minneapolis

I’m looking forward to visiting next month my best friend since junior high.

I dedicated this piece on friendship to Sue; but for her to know it’s real is what I strive for.

How can I tell you I love you and make you see how much? Because you are a part of me,

all your smiles, joys and tears captivate my senses. For when you are happy - I then too am happy.

A friend is irreplaceable. If I had all the riches of the world but had no friend I would have nothing. Because of that, a friend like you is more precious to me than all the gifts of the earth.

A friendship like what we have shared is truly lovely. When two human beings have the trust, faith and capability to give of themselves totally and to use this great gift, it is magnificent.

I will never care again if others don’t see our love for one another - I only strive to show you; you’ve meant everything to me. And I know you didn’t try your hardest to be so special.

That makes it all the neater. I hope I can be that same friend to you. I love you. Jan

Oh Jude,   May 17, 1978

San Francisco, CA

I’ve changed so much in the past few years: From a fly away little girl who had all her faith in Christ; to an insecure young girl who thought she was a woman; to a now somewhat more together young woman who’s a little more sure of herself.

I look back at all my hang-ups, about loving people, myself, loneliness, fears and hurts.

I’m now on a whole new different part of the earth. With all new and different individuals.

But they are still human beings - with flaws.

With all the changes and learning of growing up…

Only one is very valuable, for ever and ever.

And that is, being yourself. I’ve always wanted to be me but never quite knew how to be.

I still don’t really know where I’m going but it doesn’t matter, because I have people. Don’t get me wrong! Don’t put your faith in people! They have flaws and can’t hack some things too. That will come naturally and good if you will remember. Never let yourself be conformed to a society! Don’t let them mold you! Oh, they will try. But instead, be free! Be free to be you and do it! Do what you enjoy and don’t let others tell you it’s wrong or stupid! If you will always remember, you are a totally unique human being. No one else is exactly like you. So why should you enjoy what they enjoy? Don’t let people make you believe you’re weird or out of it because you get into your own thing!

But….Always allow others to be free! Let them get into their own thing! Never criticize because you don’t enjoy it.

If you can teach yourself to get into the fact that everyone is completely different and allow them to be, all new views and ways of vision come into sight. No one is different or queer. They’re all free enjoying themselves in their own way. Seeing things from this view makes it so much easier to love all people.

To me the thought of everyone unique and loving them for it is truly beautiful. Oh Yes!

One thing that hurts me just about more than anything is when people don’t listen. Sometimes the things I say may not seem important. But to me they mean a great deal. The feeling of rejection is something that insecurity can’t handle. When I play or speak, I feel people caring when they listen; but if they don’t I feel like a near piece of dust to them.

If I could learn to listen always and rid myself of rejection; I would be better and when people listen to me it would be a great deal more special. If I could strive to always love.

The love I receive would be much more alive.

For if I loved everyone and put everything before me I would then be alive. Because life is such an enchanting thing I would love to live it. Jan

Oh Jude,   June 19, 1978

South Minneapolis

My! I’ve got to learn to control my mouth! It is not a good way to make friends.

Upon returning from my one week vacation visiting Sue in San Francisco, I seemed to have blotched things up a bit. Made a few enemies - in other words.

I seem to take pleasure in talking badly about people behind their backs, then I try desperately to make them a friend.

I am speaking of the Bighorn, where I’m working as a cocktail waitress.

It felt good to be back. It felt good to work, and to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen.

I didn’t over anticipate their welcome. They did seem genuinely glad to see me, with a few exceptions of people that didn’t notice my absence.

Back to this mouthy business…. This is a good lesson. I hope I can improve from it. I realized, it’s not my overly energetic mouth; I wasn’t speaking the truth in this back-talk. It was all a lie, or hearsay, to cut her down. Her is Barbie, the black waitress. I bad mouthed her; and Cindy and Debbie told her. You silly girl, Jannie!

Well, I hope they won’t hold it against me. And I hope I learn when to speak. I’m remembering an old saying I should practice; If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all!

Let’s think about why I might delight in this ugly decadence so much.

I think my intentions are to make this person not like the person of my jealous concern, stemming from my constant desire to be the best. Jan

Oh Jude,   June 27, 1978

My! I sure am a worrywart. Pursuing a relationship with Jay is scaring me to death.

I’m confused; is the underlying precautionary fear true to me or am I just worrying?

Also, in my fantasies things work out good always. Am I pursuing this on fantasy that it will be this or that way according to my dreams, or is there really grounds or capability or desire to make a strong lasting friendship?

There definitely is an attraction there. I remember the first time we met, we were attracted to one another. Plus he’s a Leo.

He says work and him being my boss doesn’t have to be a problem. The meter goes off at 1:00. As long as you do your job, and I do mine.

But what about these other women in Jay’s life? Can I handle this? If we’re building a friendship, I can.

Well, let me build a friendship! I like Jay. Let me show him and not be afraid to care! If we make love once in awhile, great - if not - no big deal.

But most importantly, I say to myself, "Jannie Babe - Don’t worry!!

People like me.

If they don’t because I’m with Jay; then they weren’t my friend in the first place. Jan

Oh Jude,   June 30, 1978

I realize that Jay holds something deep with Margaret.

I’m jealous. It makes me sad; but I understand.

There’s a part of me that…

wants…

a part of Jay.

I can’t put my finger on it. He’s not very attractive. He is masculine, but not handsome. His house is the same as making love with him; smooth, easy, slow. His house is clean but plush. His love-making is soft and comfortable (but he comes quick.)

I feel a little jealous or inferior that I wasn’t as pleasing, maybe to the eye, as Margaret. I have fat. But then again I feel relieved, as tho a heavy burden has been lifted. I no longer feel obligated. I now have just reason to say no. Let Margaret and Jay alone! Jan

Oh Jude,   July 7, 1978

God! What a strange life this is.

I ask God, in earnest anticipation, to just let me know my own mind.

If I had the ease of confidence, actually self-respect, in having self- assurance that I’m an O.K. person, my life would go more smoothly. I could let myself be me. I could let that wild side loose and not blame it on the lack of correlation between my brain waves and my verbal excretions. It wouldn’t matter if I said something dumb.

I long for that touch. I want their arms around me. Why don’t they kiss me and hug me and hold me tight? Why don’t they smother me in their loving affection?

I am learning that I am such a physical person I just can’t keep my hands off people.

I communicate with them regularly. (My hands, that is!)

Their lack of this warm, expressive kind of wonderful communication makes me feel inadequate. They must not love me. Did I do something wrong? Jan

Oh Jude,   July 13, 1978

When am I going to learn that if I fool around with another woman’s man, I will get caught?

Needless to mention the enemies I will make.

Meaning Margaret and Jay.

Margaret was so cool about it. I admire her suave technique of making it clear to me that she knew Jay and I had been together. And that subtle touch that I was not to do it again.

It’s forgotten, she said.

Well, now I will no longer wonder about Jay.

But why is it that I always get myself involved between couples?

Like Randy and Sally…. I am pretty sure she loves him and is hurting; and even more so would she hurt if she saw him fall in love with me.

I’d love to get involved with that Steve kid.

Of course, I will give it the preliminary trial for a relationship. I am incredibly shy with him.

I must speak out and let him know there is an