The Incredibly Stupid Adventures of the Incredibly Stupid Stuper Man!: The Chronicles of the World's Dumbest Superhero

By Patrick C. F. Wise

In a quite possibly not-so distant future, the universe is wreathed in utter chaos. An intergalactic tyrant by the name of King Brainiac, seeking the ultimate power contained within the mythical Gem of the Universe, attacks and destroys the peaceful planet, Stupin, home to the Stupinians, a people who are really, REALLY stupid. In a ginormous twist of fate, however, a young Stupinian and his dog escape from the destruction with the Gem in tow. Landing on the planet Earth, these new heroes, Stuper Man and Stuper Dog, dedicate themselves to defending the Gem from Brainiac and his evil forces. Little do they realize that there is much more to the story than they know: a sinister conspiracy, an ancient bloodline, and a dark power so fearsome that it could engulf the entire universe and still have enough room for dessert. The Dumbbell Duo may not have much of it, but through their trials they prove that knowledge has been, is, and will always be the most powerful weapon that you can wield. The fate of the universe is in his hands...feel pity for the universe.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 3, 2011
• ISBN: 9781449016630

Patrick C. F. Wise

When he was merely five years of age, Patrick C. F. Wise grabbed a pack of white paper and a #2 pencil and wrote his first book, "Stuper Man VS Smudge" which he still owns, tucked away in a bookcase crammed with hundreds of other books and doodles pertaining to Stuper Man, as well as the countless other cartoons that he has created over the years. Now nineteen, C. F. lives in Louisville, KY with his parents, where he enjoys the finer parts of life, such as video games, cartoons, and eating things covered with cheese. A master of both logic and imagination, he is already working on a sequel to Stuper Man, both of which he hopes will do exceedingly well. If they don't, then I pity the man who takes the brunt of his frustration.

Book preview

Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 ½

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Epilogue

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Foreword

On the Birth of Stuper Man

So, have you all heard the rumors? Yep, it’s true. I’m being held hostage by disgruntled pixies. They got mad about that slur in The Lost Chronicles, so now they’re forcing me to write books for all eternity. Or at least until the pizza they ordered gets here. Either way, I’m going to be here for quite some time.

Anyways, let’s get on with it. So, how many of you have heard of Super Man? I’m willing to bet that all of you have. Now for the big question: how many of you hate him? WHOA! Didn’t see that coming, did you? I doubt that any of you are going to say that you hate Super Man, but you’re definitely going to wonder why I do. Well, here you go:

Notice that when you shoot Super Man, the bullet bounces off of him. That is a rip-off. When someone gets shot, I want to see blood, pain, and death, not ricochet! THAT’S why I hate Super Man. HE’S TOO INVINCIBLE!!! And the only way you can kill him is with a glowing rock!!! A man who can deflect a bullet but not a rock doesn’t DESERVE to be liked, ESPECIALLY when he’s wearing red and blue spandex!

I never liked Super Man. So, when I was five years old, I invented Stuper (pronounced stoop-er) Man, who was basically an idiotic version of the Man of Steel. This guy is the Man of Stupidity, the World’s Dumbest Superhero. When the goofy idiot sidekick is smarter than the superhero himself, you KNOW he’s stupid. Actually, Stuper Dog is a whole lot smarter than the average goofy idiot sidekick, but Stuper Man is an idiot, nonetheless.

So, here we are: this is the story of the great but absent-minded Stuper Man, a superhero who holds the fate of the entire universe in his hands.

Feel pity for the universe.

Sincerely,

Patrick C. F. Wise

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Chapter 1

The Origin of Stuper Man

Deep in space, and I mean REALLY deep in space, there is a small planet floating around. This is the planet Stupin. Stupin is home to the Stupinians, a people who are really stupid. And I mean REALLY stupid.

The Stupinians were so stupid, in fact, that they never even had any wars, because they didn’t even know what a war was. These guys were basically completely clueless. Especially to the destiny that entwined them…

One day, a huge saucer thingy landed down on Stupin. The Stupinians, thinking it was full of candy, came to greet it. Out of the saucer came a little green man with a big, cheesy smile on his face. He was wearing a crown through which poked two antennae, but other than that, he looked almost human.

Attention, Stupinians! he yelled in a squeaky voice as he came out of the saucer. I am the great and extremely coordinated King Brainiac! I have come to AAGGHH!!! King Brainiac tripped over a ladybug as he walked down the ramp from the door of the saucer. The Stupinians threw their arms up and cheered wildly.

STOP CHEERING!!! yelled King Brainiac as he got up and wiped himself off. Now then, I, King Brainiac, have come to claim the Gem of the Universe! Now, where is it!?!

The Stupinians stared stupidly; they clearly had no idea as to what he was talking about.

Fine then! said Brainiac. If you won’t tell me where the Gem is, I’ll just blow you all SKY HIGH!!! King Brainiac pulled a humongous bomb out of nowhere and set it for detonation. The Stupinians screamed and ran like little girls. Brainiac disappeared into the saucer and it took off into space.

While all of the Stupinians were running around screaming, one slightly smarter Stupinian came out of his house with his infant son and their dog. He noticed the bomb sitting in the middle of everything.

Well, that might be a problem. he said.

No freaking way!!! said the dog (Stupinian dogs are generally smarter than their masters). We have to get out of here before that bomb explodes!

What bomb? said the Stupinian. My underwear was just riding high.

OH, GOOD GRIEF!!! said the dog. He went and brought a small escape pod over to the Stupinian and put the baby and himself into it.

What are you waiting for? said the dog to the Stupinian. Get in here before- Out of nowhere, the pod took off and launched into the sky. The dog looked on helplessly as the pod got farther and farther away, until finally Stupin was just a dot among ten million more dots. Suddenly, Stupin became a huge ball of fire as it was blown to smithereens. The dog could only watch in horror as his home planet was blasted into space dust, and as he just got farther and farther away.

Meanwhile, King Brainiac landed his saucer down on his home planet of King Brainia. His huge, purple dog was waiting there for him.

Did it go well? asked the dog.

Cyclone, said Brainiac, if I had a penny for every time you’ve said that…well, I’d only have one cent, but…oh, just shut up!

I guess that’s a no? said Cyclone.

I HAD TO BLOW THE IMBECILES UP!!! yelled Brainiac.

Well, that’s not good. said Cyclone. Considering that you didn’t get the Gem, which (judging by your anger) you didn’t.

They wouldn’t tell me where it was!!! said Brainiac. Those guys were as dumb as a pile of bricks! I had no choice!

You could have just gone looking for it! said Cyclone.

OH YEAH!?! yelled Brainiac. HOW’D YOU LIKE TO SAY THAT TO MY FIST!?!

Oh, stop with your pointless threats. said Cyclone. You know the Gem is indestructible. It’s got to be floating around out there somewhere. Through sheer coincidence, a robot in the shape of King Brainiac approached its fleshy original.

Reporting, sir. it said.

Whatever. said Brainiac.

Our sensors have detected a large quantity of energy that began rapidly gaining distance from the planet Stupin upon its combustion. said the robot.

GREAT! Now say that again in English. said Brainiac.

They found something. said Cyclone.

Its total energy stores are exponentially greater in size than is scientifically possible. continued the robot. The only other energy mass in known records capable of matching it is the Gem of the Universe.

Okay, I heard, ‘Gem of the Universe’ in there. Is that what they found? asked Brainiac.

Affirmative. said the robot.

That means yes. said Cyclone.

AWESOME!!! said Brainiac. So give it here!

Does not compute. said the robot.

He doesn’t have it. said Cyclone.

Then who does? asked Brainiac.

We have been tracing the energy source across the cosmos. said the robot. It is moving at an extremely rapid speed, and has also been swerving across the galaxy. Tracking it will be scientifically impossible unless it halts its motion on a hospitable planet. Given the extreme lack of hospitable terrain on most planets, the estimation of the target’s flight time is approximately fifteen point five years.

They couldn’t get it. said Cyclone.

WHAT!?! yelled Brainiac. Crud. We have to find it as soon as possible! Cyclone, do everything in your power to keep tabs on that Gem! Send our best men after it! But most importantly, GET THAT GEM!!!

Hey, wait a minute. said Cyclone. How come I have to do this? I ALWAYS do the hard work!

THERE’S NO TIME FOR COMPLAINING!!! yelled Brainiac. This chapter should have been over half a page ago! JUST GET ME THAT GEM!!!

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Chapter 2

Fifteen Point Five Years Later

The desert night was quiet and peaceful. Not a creature was stirring (not even a mouse). Suddenly, a humongous space pod flew down from the sky and crashed into the ground. The dog and the Stupinian baby (now grown up) climbed out of it.

STUPER MAN!!! yelled the dog. I told you that wasn’t the steering wheel!!!

Stuper Dog, said Stuper Man, let me put it this way: SHUT UP!!!

Oh, you shut up! said Stuper Dog. Let’s try and figure out where we are.

Earth. said Stuper Man.

How do you know that? asked Stuper Dog.

I read the sign on the way here. said Stuper Man.

Alright, so we’re on earth. said Stuper Dog. Question is, where on earth are we? This might be the east…or maybe the west…or the south…or possibly the north…oh, whatever.

Say, said Stuper Man, maybe that’s what we can call it! The East West South North Whatever! It could be our home and we could LIVE here!

What do you mean LIVE here? asked Stuper Dog. "As soon as we fix the saucer, we’re outta here!"

Oh, come on! said Stuper Man as he began rummaging through the saucer and throwing large, dangerous objects at Stuper Dog. We can rebuild the saucer into a house, and then we could stay here, and hey what’s this? Stuper Man pulled out a shining, blue gem.

That looks like the Gem of the Universe! said Stuper Dog.

Is it edible? asked Stuper Man.

No! said Stuper Dog. It’s an all-powerful crystal containing the very essence of the universe itself! There’s no telling what that Gem is capable of! It’s what King Brainiac was after when he blew up Stupin!

AH-HA!!! said Stuper Man. See!?! We CAN’T leave, because we have to protect the Gem!!!

That makes no sense! said Stuper Dog. But this book would be really boring if we didn’t, so whatever.

AWESOME!!! yelled Stuper Man. Let’s get to work!

Whatever. said Stuper Dog.

King Brainiac was fast asleep in his throne, curled up like a dog. Cyclone was laying on his feet, also curled up like a dog, which wasn’t as bad since he was a dog. Suddenly, a loud pinging started up on a control pad on the throne’s arm, which just so happened to be directly under Brainiac’s ear. He jumped from the shrill noise, firing Cyclone into the air and halfway across the room.

Attention, sir. said a robotic voice from the throne. We have ascertained the-

YOU THINK I CARE WHAT YOU’RE ASCERTAINING!?! yelled Brainiac. I don’t even know what that means!!!

You are such a misnomer. said Cyclone as he picked himself up off the floor.

Shut up! said Brainiac. Anyways, what is it you’re ascertaining?

We are ascertaining the location of the Gem of the Universe. said the robot.

Took you long enough! said Brainiac. So where is it?

Now downloading visual on the monitor. said the robot. A huge monitor opened up on the wall across from the throne. On it flashed a picture of the planet Earth. Brainiac smiled evilly.

So this is where it’s been hiding. he said. Cyclone: send my best men to that planet. Grind it to dust if you have to, but don’t come back without that Gem!

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Chapter 3

A Hot Bowl of Sludge

Stuper Man and Stuper Dog looked upon the rickety wooden shack that they had just failed at.

Told you so. said Stuper Dog.

I’m still trying to find out how it’s wooden. said Stuper Man. Wasn’t the saucer metal?

Well, hopefully it looks better on the inside. said Stuper Dog. They went inside to find that the interior didn’t really look any better. There were two windows, a throw rug on the floor, a refrigerator, a sink, a table with two chairs, and one bed in the corner.

Stuper Man! said Stuper Dog. I told you to spread it all out! Wait, how did you even fit it all in the corner? And where’s the toilet?

Outside. said Stuper Man.

Why is it- Stuper Dog started, but then he stopped and thought better of it. Nevermind. he said. I don’t want to know.

Well, at least we have a place to stay. said Stuper Man as he began spreading all of the stuff around the room.

I don’t know if ‘place’ is the proper word. said Stuper Dog. In the time that it took Stuper Dog to say that sentence, Stuper Man had already set up the furniture, so at least the house looked mildly comfortable. Well, he continued, at least the house looks mildly comfortable. You know, I don’t know if ‘house’ is the proper word, either. But anyways, let’s put up the last piece.

Alrighty then! said Stuper Man. He pulled out a glass case and put it on the drawer next to the bed. Then he pulled the Gem of the Universe out of his pocket and put it under the glass.

It’s as shiny as a bowl of cereal. said Stuper Man.

Golden Grahams, I suppose. said Stuper Dog. Anyways, it’s late and I’m as tired as a…well, you know. Good night.

Where are you going? asked Stuper Man.

Outside. said Stuper Dog. It’s where the dogs go.

Why can’t you just sleep in the bed? asked Stuper Man.

Stuper Dog stopped in the doorway. Because, he said, there is absolutely nothing that will get me into that bed with you. Stuper Dog continued out the door to the doghouse he had built earlier that day. Good night. he said.

It’s night? said Stuper Man. Stuper Dog rolled his eyes and crawled into his doghouse. Stuper Man looked around and saw the bed. He did feel tired, even if it was Christmas. He jumped into the bed, completely missed, and crashed onto the floor, where he fell asleep.

As Stuper Man and Stuper Dog snoozed away, two rather gut-wrenching characters appeared from behind the house. They were both green and gooey, sort of like giant boogers. They each had only one eye, but the differences seemed to come out more. One was short, in fact completely legless, and as round as a ball; the other was taller and had horns and bat wings, and I suppose the best way to describe his shape would be as what you see in your tissue after blowing your nose. The tall one reached into his goo and pulled out a sort of miniature TV. King Brainiac’s picture flashed onto the screen.

We’ve found the Stupinians. said the tall…whatever-he-was.

Good work, Sludge. said Brainiac. Now, get that Gem, and don’t even BOTHER coming back without it!

What about the Stupinians? asked Sludge.

Eliminate them, by any means necessary. said Brainiac. As far as I’m concerned, you can just destroy the planet; the Earthlings are utterly the most worthless creatures in the galaxy. We can get along fine, if not better, without them.

Roger that. said Sludge. Don’t worry; I’ve already got a plan for these morons. They won’t know what hit them. Sludge out. The communicator flipped off, but immediately flipped right back on.

AND DON’T SCREW IT UP!!! yelled Brainiac. The communicator flipped back off and Sludge turned to his smaller, snot-ball buddy.

Alright, Scud. he said. You know what to do.

Aye, boss. said Scud. He walked towards the wall of the shack and kept walking right through it, slipping through the cracks as if he were made of liquid. Scud came out on the other side of the wall, about a centimeter from where Stuper Man was sleeping on the floor. Scud slowly made his way around the Brainless Wonder and hopped over to the Gem of the Universe. Scud lifted up the glass and carefully removed the Gem. Perhaps it was because his hands were made of slippery goo, but the glass suddenly slipped out of Scud’s hand and crashed to pieces on the floor. Stuper Man got up off the floor and began to cross the room. Scud cringed in fear, but Stuper Man walked right past him, got a glass of water, drank it, put it in the sink, went back across the room, and laid down right on the floor where he had fallen asleep. Scud raised his eyebrow and whistled, partly from disbelief and partly from confusion. Suddenly, Stuper Man popped awake.

Who’s whistling!?! he said groggily. He turned and looked at Scud. Oh. he said. It’s just a giant booger. Good night, giant booger. Stuper Man went back to the floor, but then he got back up again. Hey! he said. I didn’t pick any GIANT boogers today!

Snot! said Scud. He grabbed the Gem and ran for the wall. He crashed into it. Then he remembered that gems can’t go through walls. Stuper Man jumped over the bed at Scud, and, for once, he actually hit his target. The two clashed and tussled around the house, flinging snot everywhere.

Stuper Dog, asleep in his doghouse outside, was suddenly aroused by the scuffle coming from the shack. Knowing that Stuper Man was no doubt doing something stupid, he got up and angrily stormed over to the front door.

Back in the house, Stuper Man and Scud were still going at it, when Scud launched the Man of Stupidity across the room and into the wall. Stuper Man was about to lunge back at him, when suddenly Stuper Dog opened the door and slammed it in his face.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP!?! yelled Stuper Dog. Suddenly, something that looked like a giant booger went rolling past him and out the door. Stuper Dog watched it roll off around the back of the house, leaving a slimy trail of goo behind it. Then he looked into the house to find that it was covered in the stuff.

We just built it and it’s already cleaning day. he said. He walked in and closed the door. Stuper Man was pinned against the wall behind it. Stuper Dog investigated a glob of the goo.

Can…I…have a…bandage? said Stuper Man.

Shut up for a second, would you? said Stuper Dog. He pulled a pair of glasses out of the drawer next to him and balanced them on the crook of his nose. Then he pulled a drop of goo up with his finger and examined it closely. Yep. he said. Phlegm, mucus, snot, boogers…whatever you want to call it, it’s this stuff.

What if I called it chocolate? said Stuper Man.

"Then it definitely wouldn’t be this stuff. said Stuper Dog. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go wash my hands…thoroughly."

But somebody had to have picked that booger. said Stuper Man as he pried himself off the wall. "If it’s a giant booger, then we’re dealing with somebody with a giant nose…or maybe a living giant nose!"

Whatever the case, he stole the Gem of the Universe. said Stuper Dog. So I figure that King Brainiac is somehow involved.

HE picked the booger? said Stuper Man. Does he even have a nose?

The only problem we have now, said Stuper Dog, is how to find the booger-man and get the Gem back.

Maybe we could get a snot-hound. said Stuper Man.

I think we already have one. said Stuper Dog.

The Dumbbell Duo followed the trail of snot that Scud had left behind. Stuper Man sniffed the ground as he tried to pick up the scent of boogers.

Come on, snot-hound! said Stuper Dog. You’ve found your boogers hundreds of times!

Well, I didn’t pick this one! said Stuper Man. My own mucus is easy to track, but the scent of someone else’s is another story. Besides, I smell MINE constantly!

Just hush and follow the green stuff, would you? said Stuper Dog. Suddenly he crashed into Stuper Man, who had stopped dead in his tracks. Stuper Dog was about to yell at him again, when he looked up and saw a humongous, nose-shaped mountain in front of them. A sign to their left read:

WELCOME TO

THE EARTH’S NOSE

(NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY PERMITTED INSIDE)

AH-HA! said Stuper Man. So it was the EARTH who picked the evil booger! Now all we need to do is find the Earth’s Tissue!

What are you talking about!? asked Stuper Dog.

All boogers hate tissues. said Stuper Man. They’re like their natural enemies.

Oh, just hush! said Stuper Dog. Let’s try and find a way inside.

The nostrils are a good start. said Stuper Man.

Of course. said Stuper Dog. The two of them made their way across the landscape and towards the mountainous schnoz. However, the nostrils were under strict security by some awfully odoriferous guards. They walked so crookedly it almost appeared as if they were rotting. If their flesh was