Movin' On

By Irene A. Harner

Has life interfered with living your dreams, whatever they may be? If so, come along and use your imagination to feel what it's like to stumble along behind a raging waterfall in a country without OSHA, to soar over the desolate wasteland of Siberia, the Alps and the Himalayas. Gaze in wonder at a seven-pound flawless emerald, feel a different kind of awe when a four-foot sting ray slides silkily across your back and laugh as you play with a baby manatee. Sail the seas on the Tall Ships from the comfort of your chair. One day, life will get out of the way and you can follow your dreams, too. Until then enjoy the real life dreams of author, Irene Harner.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 29, 2003
• ISBN: 9781462077847

Irene A. Harner

Irene Harner and her husband Myrel have lived a life crammed with love, fun, adventure and travel. In this collection of her popular newspaper columns she shares her experiences?along with her slightly skewed wit and wisdom on such wide-ranging topics as manatees to marriage.

Book preview

Joan’s Duck

A while back I read a column by my idol of the art of writing, Dave Barry. The column was about crime and the one item that reminded me of one of my favorite stories, was the woman that called the police department in a small town reporting a wild animal in her house. After investigating, the police report stated they had found a „rotting tuber." It shows how our minds work in mysterious ways. I mean how can the smell of a really bad potato conjure up a wild animal?

The same way the actual events occurred to a dear, departed friend ours. Joan had been attacked by a flock of chickens when she was a tiny tot and it left her with an absolute terror of birds for the rest of her life.

Her husband was frequently away on business and we always told her if she needed anything to please call and we’d be right there. So, one afternoon she called with panic in her voice asking if my husband Myrel could come over right away because, There’s a duck loose in the house! Myrel responded by gathering up his heavy-duty leather gloves used when he fired items in the kiln, a fish net and a BB gun. I told her I’d come with him so she could stay out of the way. She also said the bird was frantic, it was squawking rapidly at first and now must be tiring as it was slowing down, but somehow it had gotten upstairs.

Brandy the cocker spaniel met us at the door with Joan, who had a fine film of sweat across her face, right behind him. We heard the quacking and it was very intermittent by this time, showing the poor bird was really exhausted. We followed the sound up the stairs being as quiet as possible. At least I tried to be until I got about halfway to the top. Then I got the giggles. Myrel turned and told me to hush, as I’d scare the bird. By this time the tears were rolling and Joan was getting peeved at me. I said, It’s not a duck, it’s the smoke detector, the battery has run down.

They both stopped, looked at me like I’d gone mad, then listened. They both said it was a duck. This was in the early days of smoke detectors and if the battery in ours had not done exactly the same thing a week or so prior I wouldn’t have believed it either. But finally, after standing still and really listening, Myrel and Joan both conceded it was the detector that was mounted on the ceiling at the top of the stairs.

Joan looked relieved and embarrassed and Myrel stood looking like the great white hunter in his leather gauntlets carrying the fish net and gun. What I would have given for a camera!

Did I tease her about it? No, she had suffered enough and since telling about it won’t hurt her now it might make someone out there feel a little better about some mistake they’ve made.

The Tall Ship S/VFantome

For our silver anniversary I wanted to do something really different. I mean, we had made it for all those years and still really liked each other. I went searching and found we could fly to Nassau and sail out of there aboard a tall ship, the S. V. Fantome of the Windjammer Barefoot Fleet. It was a beautiful old four-masted ship captained by a young man who was qualified to command any kind of civilian ship on the sea. He had a wireless radio for weather news and emergencies and a compass. He was a sailor not an electronic whiz.

Just before sunset we sailed into the most beautiful sea imaginable, crystal clear and warm, and sailed throughout the night. Any one aboard could sign up to pilot the ship while we were under sail each night. Our names were the first two on the sheet. When the rap came on the cabin door at 2 A.M., I threw on my ankle length sweatshirt and went topside to find the mate that would guide me through this experience. And what an experience! We had a 17 knot wind and the ship was really throwing a bow wake which phosphoresced. The ship’s running lights were below our line of sight so all we saw was darkness and what the mate called Looms. They turned out to be anything the eye could discern in such darkness; clouds, islands, whatever might be out there.

I steered a snaky wake till I got the hang of it, then let my mind go. A different time was conjured and mentally I was with Columbus, totally inexperienced as a seaman believing we could sail off the edge of the earth because it was flat and knowing there were huge sea monsters waiting to pull our craft to the bottom of the sea. With my hands on the huge wheel, the wind and sea spray in my face, the brilliance of the stars overhead, it was the most exciting experience I’d ever had.

Did you get to see the replicas of the fleet of Columbus when they were in Tampa? Incredible that anyone could ever think they would achieve what they set out to do in those toys. The difference was vast in the size of our ships. Ours was 282 feet long. Columbus had tiny ships—the Santa Maria was the largest and just a tad over 59 feet in length, the Pinta was only 55.7 feet long and the Nina was about 49.6 feet and they were round bottomed so they undoubtedly rolled even in relatively calm seas. Only the flagship Santa Maria, had a stern lantern to follow. Shut your eyes and imagine you‘re on the vast black ocean with only one tiny speck of light anywhere to be seen, now imagine your feelings if this light disappeared.

I never studied nor enjoyed history but this trip gave me an entirely different perspective and a greater respect for what these explorers did.

A Different Way Of Life

I’ve found it does one a world of good to get out into the Big World once in a while. Shakes up your outlook on life.

One of the bigger shake-ups I’ve had was a few years ago when we were invited to a wedding in the exclusive enclave of Corona Del Mar, California, right on the waters of Newport Harbor.

When you entered the house where the wedding was held you were stopped in your tracks by the view. A glass wall 12 feet high and 40 feet long greeted you with the sight of big yachts, dories and Hobie Cats skiffing along on the wind. Across the harbor sat a beautiful big sailboat that could not be moved, seems an osprey had built a nest in the rigging high on the mast and California law says disturbing it is an absolute no-no. Having the money to have nice playtoys doesn’t always mean you get to play with them when you want to.

But it’s the people you meet. At the wedding we mingled with the mother of the bride who hosted the wedding and reception, and the bride’s father. That’s cool. Then there was the father’s current bride and another former wife, plus one other former husband of the mother. The maid of honor’s parents were there with current spouses. That was kind of hard for me to keep up with but then it really gets away from me. The bride’s mother and maid of honor’s father at one time had been an item while married to others. These people were the movers and shakers in society. The son of the founder of a very large newspaper, a daughter of a family who has a city named after them. Lots of money among the group attending but I got the idea that the moving and shaking going on kind of scrambled their thinking.

I’m always so bogged down with things that I must do that when I asked our hostess what she did to keep busy I must have gotten a funny look on my face at her response. She seemed rather testy when she said, I have tennis lessons three times a week, massage three times and facials twice and of course, lunch with my friends. Of course, silly me.

I envied her a couple of things, though. She had two big blond surfer dudes that came in weekly to clean house. Honest. They did windows, floors, bathrooms, everything but laundry. The other thing was the way she did her gardening. Beautiful flowers bloomed in the garden of the enclosed patio. There were potholes, literally, in the shrubbery. Once a week she lifted the pots of blooms set them on the curb for the trash and set new pots in the holes. That’s my kind of gardening.

The wedding was beautiful, the champagne delicious, the conversation amusing, to us hicks anyway.

But like most southern California weddings the marriage didn’t last. Something in the air, you suppose?

Chinese Wedding

My dad was pure Polish so when his younger sister married I got my first taste of weddings and receptions that seem to last days. First the ceremony was always Catholic with a mass which consumed an entire day, (remember, I was a kid and time runs slow in times like that.) Then, came the fun part because after the pictures came the reception. Always in a hired hall with mountains of wonderful food, kegs of beer for the grown-ups and the musicians always included an accordion player for the polkas. You didn’t need a partner for the polka so everybody danced.

In my teen years in south Philadelphia, I enjoyed my share of Italian weddings, the same Catholic ceremony with the hired hall, slightly different types of wonderful foods and red vino in place of the beer. The dances were different but the accordion player was always in place. These people really knew how to have a good time. So it has seemed the weddings I have attended over the years since were a bit on the less joyous side compared to the early days. Everyone seemingly worried about doing things proper like.

But we just had the pleasure of attending our first authentic Chinese wedding. It started at 1:00 pm and we got back to hotel at 10:00 pm and enjoyed every minute of it, (except for the new shoes killing me, I hate shoes, never wear them unless I have to go out of the swamp.)

The wedding was held at Splendid China in Kississmee, Florida. It is an amazing place that anyone one with an interest in China should make a point of seeing. All the major landmarks of China are reproduced in about 1/15th scale with all the miniature bricks and ceramic roof tiles hand made, fired and hand set. The Great Wall, the Terracotta Warriors found in an Emperor’s tomb, the 9,999 room palace are but a few of the wonders of China that have been reproduced. But I digress.

The wedding was held in an arbor-covered theatre with musicians in traditional attire with antique instruments playing very melodic music, which I found odd, since I find most Eastern music discordant. One musician played the large temple bells with their deep resonance making a wonderful counterpoint to the usual high-pitched music. Since the bride and groom are Christians they had a

Christian ceremony. This, combined with the serene setting made it a very touching.

The banquet had to be eaten to be believed. Ten courses of the most wonderfully prepared foods including shark’s fin and crab meat soup. The soup is a delicacy, one I can do without now but my husband, Myrel and I ate it all. As I say trying new and unusual foods is part of life’s adventures. The Peking pork chops were superb, the squid was tough as most marinated squid and octopus is. During the banquet the bride changed from her beautiful white wedding gown into the first of her red Chinese dresses, this one embroidered and beaded, then the bride and groom knelt before her parents for the tea ceremony. I’m not familiar with the customs of this, but mom and dad give the newlyweds gifts and I would imagine, their blessings. After a few dances, the bride again changed. One of the guests told us that in