Obsession... You Will Always Be Mine

By Paul Phillips

What price would you be willing to pay to get the life you always dreamt of?

Aaron Taylor is a rock star in crisis. His band, The Rams, have split up and he is struggling to reach his past glories. Now allegations are being made about his personal life, which could have a devastating effect on his family.

Only Aaron and a few other people know the truth behind the stories, but in the pursuit of a legacy, he has a choice to make...

Kelly Conner, meanwhile, is in love with Aaron. From a distance, she has always believed that one day he would come back to her, but now she is not so sure. Frustrated and angry, her patience is starting to wear thin.

Now the clock is ticking, and time is running out for Aaron.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley
• Release date: Mar 12, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370165476

Paul Phillips

Paul Phillips is the Gretchen B. Kimball Director of Orchestral Studies and Associate Professor of Music at Stanford University. He is the author of A Clockwork Counterpoint: The Music and Literature of Anthony Burgess, published in 2010, and essays on Burgess published in six other books, including the Norton Critical Edition of A Clockwork Orange. He has led performances of many Burgess compositions in concert, including numerous premieres, and conducted the first commercial recording of Burgess's orchestral music, released by Naxos in 2016.

Book preview

Chapter One

It is a typically noisy evening on Pemberton Drive. The heat wave which Leeds and indeed the whole of England is currently experiencing has resulted in a spate of garden parties and BBQ’s, so tonight the street is filled with the sounds of music, laughter and carefree conversations. In amongst all of this, however, is one house not embracing the start of the summer. 147 Pemberton Drive, the large semi-detached house which sits at the very end of the road is, as usual, engulfed in an eerie silence. Looking up at the darkened windows you can’t help but notice just how still the house is. In fact, if we didn’t know any better, it would be very easy to believe that the owner of number 147 is not home this evening.

On the top floor of the Victorian style house, Kelly Conner is laying in her own silence and enjoying being oblivious to the world going on around her. With her eyes shut the noises emanating from the street below are nothing more than an annoyance, like a small fly that needs to be swotted away and ignored. From a young age, she has developed her own method of blocking out distractions or things she doesn’t want to deal with and right now, laying back on her large comfortable cream mattress, there is nothing that matters more to Kelly than completing her nightly routine.

At just twenty-five, Kelly is aware that most young women her age would be out painting the town red on a Friday night. It is, after all, the height of summer and a beautiful sweltering July evening has followed on from a glorious day of clear skies and sunshine in her hometown of Leeds. Yet none of this makes any difference to Kelly. If anything, the effect the weather seems to have on the few people she interacts with on a daily basis is just another annoyance.

Dressed in her plain blue pyjamas Kelly opens her eyes and allows herself a cheeky little smile as she thinks about the trick she played on her work colleagues today. From the second they entered the dental surgery this morning both Sally and Emily had tried to avoid talking about their planned night out in front of her. As the hours dragged towards five it had become something of a challenge to catch them out and revel in their discomfort. Oh, she knew it was cruel to wind the pair up like this, but she just couldn’t help herself. God bless them she thinks, they should know by now that Kelly doesn’t care in the slightest about their social activities. She made the decision a few months ago to never waste her precious time on nights out with these girls so it is not a shock to her that they no longer ask. You can, she knows, only turn down invites for so long before they simply stop being offered.

Luckily for Kelly, the solitary life is exactly what she is striving for. If she has learnt anything from her twenty-five years on this earth it is that everything is so much simpler when people just leave her alone.

It isn’t that she hasn’t tried to be one of the girls. There had been a real spring in her step on the day she was informed Emily and Sally would soon be starting. After years as the only female in the surgery, Kelly had loved the idea of two young females arriving within a week or so of each other. Kelly was so excited, she had harboured high hopes that for once she might actually be able to make some friends. So she ignored all of her self-doubts and the warnings from Mother and instead tried to befriend the pair. Looking back, she should have realised sooner that it just wasn’t going to work. Day after day she had smiled her way through shallow and dull conversations in the hope that she would start to enjoy them. Hell, she had even tried to listen to some of the music they talked about and watch the television programmes they recommended, but it was all for nothing. Unfortunately, in a life filled with disappointments, these friendships turned out to be another false dawn.

She had come to realise that she just wasn’t like Sally or Emily, and she was unwilling to fake it anymore. She did not want to start her weekends eating a dreadful meal while drinking cheap wine. Nor did she want to finish those evenings in a club having to endure the horrific music being played too loud, which always seemed to leave her with a headache. She despised the memories of people talking way too quickly and at a volume she found offensive, while she, in turn, smiled along to conversations she was simply not listening to. As if all of that wasn’t enough, Kelly always seemed to attract the attention of some randy lad, whose disgusting attempts at attracting her attention would make her skin crawl. Despite being egged on by the girls, she had never once been tempted to follow up on the offers she received on these nights out.

It wasn’t a question of confidence; far from it, Kelly knows just how pretty she is. With her long blonde hair and big blue eyes, which are the main features of her intense but pretty face, she is aware of how attractive she can be to the opposite sex.

Yes, most men she came into contact with found her attractive. Unluckily for them, however, Kelly has no interest in any of them. Emily and Sally had been baffled by her attitude. They had watched open mouthed as Kelly rejected each and every man who attempted to seduce her. They had never been able to understand why she was so reluctant to even entertain the idea of ‘pulling’ or whatever the hell they called it. In fairness to them, they may have understood more if they had known who was waiting for Kelly when she got home.

Soon the weekly nights out became reduced to a quick drink after work every other Friday, and it wasn’t long after that they stopped happening altogether. Sure, the invitations kept being offered but both sides knew it was more out of politeness than any real desire to hang out. At first, each rejection was met with a promise to attend next week, but now no one even felt the need to play the game anymore.

Over the past three months, they had settled into an uneasy working relationship. She is sure they both considered her strange but she’s unwilling to change who she is to fit in with them. Kelly now knows that the superficial nature of girls her own age is something she can only cope with in small doses. The boring, self-obsessed bullshit grinds her down until she just wants to scream. It is hard enough just listening to them at work. Despite never showing an interest she already knew too much about their failing relationships and vile sex lives. It had taken just ten months but now, like most people in her life, Sally and Emily are just background characters.

Rolling over onto her stomach she can’t help but laugh at the thought of them sat in a seedy bar, blind drunk, moaning about men. Kelly, despite her best efforts, would never understand why anyone would waste their evenings like that. In the hour it would have taken them to get ready tonight she had managed to travel home, shower and slip into her comfortable pyjamas ready to begin her weekend. No doubt the pair will have wasted a fortune on bad food and alcohol while Kelly has eaten well and spent her evening with the man she loved.

Few people would understand how she has spent her Friday night. Kelly is aware that the two hours she has spent surfing the internet, gathering information on her man would seem abnormal to most people. She is sure that everyone at work would laugh if they knew about the nine fan sites she had visited this evening piecing together his movements. It is remarkable really just how much you could find out if you know how to use the internet correctly, and over the years Kelly has become especially skilled at it.

Social media sites such as Twitter would more often than not be enough. Aaron would often keep in touch like this, with multiple tweets a day informing her what he was doing, who he was doing it with and if he was enjoying it. This, added to the numerous fan tweets, mentioning his name and listing sightings or posting pictures of him, allowed her to feel like she was always with him. Yes, the internet is truly a wonderful way for two separated lovers to keep in touch.

Forums can help as well. Almost all of Aaron’s official or unofficial message boards have a section for current news and sightings. A quick search through her favourite websites would ensure nothing is going on in Aaron Taylor’s life that Kelly is not aware of.

Very few people would understand the excitement she felt at half past seven this evening when she happened to discover a new picture of Aaron taken earlier that day. On the surface, it was nothing out of the ordinary, just a picture of him with a fan outside the Trinity shopping centre in Leeds. To the Aaron Taylor Internet Community, however, it was gold dust. After weeks of speculation, it was finally concrete evidence that the rumours are true and Aaron Taylor is back home in Leeds rehearsing for his upcoming tour.

Kelly had instantly printed the picture and added it to her Aaron scrapbook. The trampy looking girl who had clung to his arm had needed to be cut out of the picture. With her low top and lust filled eyes, neither she nor any of the girls like her had any place in their special book or Aaron’s life in general. With her searches done and her findings noted in her special diary Kelly could comfort herself knowing that, despite not seeing him today, she knew how well his day had gone.

She has to admit to herself that her relationship with Aaron is less than conventional. While most couples shared intimacies in person and saw each other all the time Kelly had learned to accept, that for now, this was the way it had to be for them. Over the years she began to find her intimate moments in the messages he left hidden for her. Interviews were one of her favourite places to discover these. To the unknowing reader Aaron would be attempting to sell an album or tickets to a concert Kelly, however, has learnt to pick out the lines or phrases that he left for her. It is after all her job, as his lover, to find these little nuggets and just like her work at the dental surgery, she takes her job very seriously. She can tell when he is deliberately wearing jackets or tops she will find appealing, and over the years she has smiled knowingly many a time when he dressed in her favourite clothes for his various TV appearances with his old band The Rams.

Sitting up on the bed she reaches for the lyric book of his latest album. As she has every night since its release, she turns directly to the page containing the lyrics to a song called ‘Hidden Lover’ and begins to whisper the words to herself. Its dedication to ‘his special lady’ was more confirmation as if she needed it, of his commitment to her. Oh, she could just cry with joy at the amount of songs he has written about their love. Yet, sadly, she knows that if she shared their secret with the rest of the world no one would believe her.

No one would believe that many years ago, when she was just a naive eighteen years old, she had found herself in the arms of Aaron Taylor and that the pair had been in love ever since.

***

Chapter Two

It had happened seven long years ago.

Kelly, like most people in England, had become a fan of The Rams, a rock ‘n’ roll band from her hometown of Leeds. Seen as the next big thing in the British music scene, they spoke to Kelly who previously had never shown any interest in popular music. There was something different about The Rams, something about their songs offered Kelly an escape from the mundane life she felt stuck in. Suddenly, an evening stuck in her bedroom reading became slightly more tolerable, as long as she had her favourite group playing low in the background.

Her obsession had begun one boring afternoon when during a break from her revision, Kelly had taken advantage of the house being empty and gone down to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Sitting at the kitchen table she looked around the empty room, which she was spending her birthday in, and felt, not for the first time that day, like crying. Despite having spent her entire life living there it was one of the few times she understood just how cold and empty her family home is. She had gazed in awe at just how few homely features the kitchen contained. The large green walls were all empty. No calendar, no family photos, not even an ornament or two to give the place some character. It was, Kelly remembered thinking, a glorified show kitchen. In an attempt to lift her gloom and drown out the silence which seemed to be following her around, Kelly had moved to the living room and turned on the radio. She knew that Mother would most certainly not have approved of food being eaten outside of the kitchen but considering Mother had once again failed to get her a birthday card or present, she was feeling rebellious enough to not really care about the house rules that day. As she sat there on the three seater brown settee she heard the DJ announce that the next song was the new single of a local band who everyone in Leeds needed to support. Intrigued she had turned the volume up and given the song her full attention.

The power of the song had moved her more than anything she had ever experienced. It was dirty and raw, all the things Mother would tell her in the weeks and months ahead to avoid, yet it featured one of the most enchanting voices she had ever heard. The second the song finished Kelly knew that she needed to discover more about this band. Continuing her new rebellious attitude she had taken the radical decision to abandon her revision and spend the rest of the afternoon searching the internet for more information about The Rams.

With the same kind of relentless determination she applied to all areas of her life, she soon managed to print off four sheets of A4 paper containing details of the band and information about their release schedules. As a birthday treat, she had headed out into the warm summers day and walked to town, where she enjoyed a latte and cake in a coffee shop before strolling up to HMV. That afternoon she purchased the two singles The Rams had released already and pre-ordered their upcoming album. These purchases became the soundtrack of Kelly’s summer. It was the first time in her life she had felt passionate about something so when an opportunity to go and actually see the band presented itself nothing, not even Mother, was going to stop her.

It had felt so liberating and exciting to organise her own travel and accommodation arrangements. At eighteen years of age, Kelly had, for the first time, felt like an independent woman. She had fallen asleep the night she bought the ticket both excited about her adventure and proud of her actions. If she could do this, she thought, she could do anything.

If she had expected Mother to be proud of her show of independence she would soon be disappointed. Peg Conner had been disgusted at her daughter’s interest in a rock band right from the start. ‘Rock and Roll music will lead you down a path you do not want to go down young lady’ she had screamed at her, however for once Kelly was not going to be swayed. So from the moment she told Mother to the day she travelled, Peg did nothing but belittle the idea and attempt to convince Kelly to not go. ‘London is not safe’ she had pleaded. ‘The hall will be filled with drunken hooligans, you are too bright a girl to waste your talents by getting yourself into trouble in London’ Peg had argued. Yet despite all of the scaremongering and over the top warnings Kelly knew that she needed to keep her resolve. Over and over again she would tell herself that she could not back down. ‘I need to do this…I can do this’ she would say into the mirror each night before going to sleep.

It was typical of the strict upbringing Peg Conner gave her daughter that this London trip was not something she could tolerate. After all, Peg had never approved of Kelly getting involved in any social activities. Unlike almost everyone else in high school, Kelly was not allowed to go to parties or go out on an evening. She knew now that it was for her own good. She understood that time had proved Mother right and that it had been much more important for her to focus on her revision. Unlike the friends she had longed for and parties, she had cried about missing, her education had given her a chance to achieve all the things her parents never had. Still, despite understanding the logic behind her mother’s thinking, she couldn’t help but think that the loneliness and pain it caused had been a heavy price to pay.

As she lays on her bed staring up at the pictures of Aaron which are taped to the ceiling, she can still remember the excitement of the first time she boarded a train alone. It had felt, even then, like a symbolic trip, a chance for her to grab some independence and prove her mother wrong.

However, it did not exactly start well. From the moment Kelly stepped foot in London and looked around in amazement at the sheer size of Kings Cross Station, she had felt out of her depth. The very second she walked out into a freezing cold London and stood open mouthed watching the hustle and bustle of London life going on around her Kelly had begun to panic. It had quickly begun to feel like she was on pause and everyone else on fast forward as the speed of London knocked her for six. It was without a shadow of a doubt as insignificant as she had ever felt.

Her head had felt like it was in the clouds during the short walk to the Pullman Saint Pancras Hotel. She had felt so dazed and confused by it all that twice a passer-by had almost knocked her clean off her feet. She had not known where to look or what to focus on that morning. To her left pedestrians, often with large suitcases sped by while on the right, cars honked their horns as they impatiently waited for the traffic lights to once again turn green. None of it had made any sense. In all of her planning, she had not once considered that London would be much different to Leeds, yet as she watched in shock as two people ignored the red lights flashing from the traffic lights across the road and attempted to weave in-between the traffic, she had felt very far from home.

As a result, her confidence was badly dented when she checked into the four-star hotel. After quickly navigating the check in procedure and finding her room it had been a relief to slam the door shut on London and just be on her own. Feeling overcome with self-doubt, Kelly had rushed towards the large bed and thrown herself onto the perfectly folded, skin coloured throw-over, before burying her head into the pillow, trying her best not to scream in frustration. It had been a disaster. Her first London experience had left her feeling angry and annoyed with herself. Once again she was letting Mother be right.

After what felt like an age, but was probably only five or so minutes, Kelly started to come around. In an attempt to regain control, she had sat perfectly still on the corner of the bed and attempted to regain control of her breathing. For a few moments, she felt on the cusp of a panic attack but slowly she had begun to regain control of her emotions. As the pressure eased Kelly gazed around at her hotel room for the first time and began to take it all in. . Feeling better, she jumped down from the bed and began to inspect the room. With its large cream walls and luxurious green sofa underneath the window which gave a stunning view of London, the hotel was every bit as spacious, elegant and comfortable as she had hoped it would be.

Feeling calmer Kelly had undressed and taken a long hot relaxing bath. As she soaked in the large white bath tub, all the stresses of the morning seemed to float away with the steam rising from the warm water. Half an hour later, sat in one of the hotels large cream dressing gowns, all of her earlier fears and upset had been replaced with excitement about the night ahead. With a quick glance at the clock on the wall, she realised that there were only four hours before the concert began. It had been her intention all along to get to the venue as early as possible to try to see the band arriving. In her wildest dreams, she had hoped that she might even be able to get an autograph. With this in mind, she dressed as quickly as she could, stopping only briefly to check out her appearance in the full-length mirror.

It is hard to believe now but before her London adventure Kelly did not have much faith in her appearance. Years of wearing ill-fitting school uniforms and being largely ignored by boys had destroyed her confidence.

Luckily for her tonight was going to change all of that.

In the weeks leading up to her trip, she spent a large amount of time planning her outfit for the concert. Behind Mother’s back she purchased the low cut white top she was wearing. She can still remember now the smug feeling in her stomach as she realised just how much it highlighted her excellent figure. With a pair of trendy dark blue jeans and brown suede boots, complementing the top, Kelly for the first time in her life had known she looked good. Feeling more confident than she could ever remember, she had packed her stuff away and left her hotel room. As she waited for the elevator in the large foyer she couldn’t help but giggle. Wanting to take all of this in she had gazed at the paintings of London landmarks hung up on the large brown walls until it all just became too much for her. She, Kelly Conner was standing in the Pullman Saint Pancras Hotel, Four stars no less, and soon she would be dancing and enjoying a concert just like any other normal eighteen-year-old. Still giggling she rode the lift to the bottom floor and left the hotel in search of a taxi.

Sadly, she had not managed to get the autograph as she had hoped. Yet despite this, the whole experience of waiting outside the Brixton Academy had felt worthwhile to her. She had been surrounded by people who she had something in common with and not even the cold and drizzling rain had spoiled the afternoon for her. Indeed, she was enjoying herself so much that it had been a real surprise when the large bald security guard in a yellow t-shirt had opened the door and allowed the fans to enter the building.

The memory of that first gig is one of the best of Kelly’s life. It was just all so new and exciting. Everything from the size of the room to the dark and mysterious lighting had excited her. As one of the first people in the hall she had rushed towards the front and taken a place on the barrier, just to the left of the singers’ microphone.

Kelly will never forget the moment when the house lights finally went down and the band’s intro tape began to play. Every single second of the next hour and ten minutes is etched into her mind. For some people, the birth of their child is a go to memory when they need cheering up but for Kelly, it will always be the sight of Aaron Taylor strolling onto the stage that evening.

He had looked every inch the star she had known he was. Standing at just over six foot tall and wearing the whitest jacket she could ever remember seeing, Aaron had hypnotised young Kelly. Everything about him seemed perfect. His stance, his attitude and the way he prowled the stage like a caged tiger looking for freedom. Far more than handsome he was truly the most beautiful thing her eyes had ever had the pleasure of looking at. The mere sight of him had caused her emotions to boil over, just as Mother had warned they would, and soon Kelly found herself screaming and dancing like everyone around her.

He seemed to be oozing sex appeal, Kelly had never wanted a man as much as she had wanted Aaron Taylor that evening. With his black hair shining in the lights and sunglasses covering his normally beautiful blue eyes he had led his band through their entire hit album ‘The Rams’. And it wasn’t just his looks that had mesmerised her. No, his performance on that cold September evening was everything she had dared hope it would be. It may even now, be the best performance Kelly had ever seen Aaron give. From time to time she had glanced over at Jay, the band’s lead guitarist and smiled as she watched him play a guitar solo. It was amazing to hear the noise he made with his instrument. Indeed, while Kelly had always sneered at the fans who claimed Jay was the true genius in the band she had, on that night at least, understood a little better how people could hold that view. Mark Hardcastle the band’s drummer and Paul Archer, the bassist had not really received much of her attention. How could they with Aaron and Jay on stage?

It was also the first time she noticed how much Jay looked like Aaron. Facially they could well have been brothers and both managed to dress in a way that screamed ‘look at me I am the star’. While Aaron had chosen the outlandish white coat and skin tight blue jeans Jay had settled for the more traditional leather jacket and black jeans outfit. Wearing sunglasses just like his singer, he had looked very attractive to Kelly, but seeing them in person allowed her to realise what differentiated the two. It was, and always would be, Aaron’s attitude. While Jay was distant and maybe even a little intimidating Aaron was warm and passionate. No matter how much Jay tried to match Aaron’s sneer or how good his guitar playing was, he just wasn’t her Aaron. Like most people in the building that night, the moment Aaron approached the microphone Jay became an afterthought. Kelly for the first time in her life was firmly in the palm of a young man’s hand.

The only negative was the whole thing had passed in the blink of an eye. Kelly had felt a real twinge of sadness in the pit of her stomach when Aaron announced that the next song would be the last. She was still at the front, clinging to the barrier, as the crowd surged forward when the words left his beautiful mouth. Not wanting to miss a single moment Kelly ignored the frantic pushing and mayhem going on over her shoulder and remained facing dead centre focusing only on the stage. Swaying and smiling excitedly she had recognised at once the opening notes of ‘I’m Still Looking for Love’, her favourite song, it was set up to be the perfect end to her perfect evening.

Kelly was so excited; she did not see the large sweaty lump of a man on her left-hand side charging towards her. She had turned and made eye contact with him just a fraction too late and was unable to prepare herself for the force of the shove which left her in pain and on the floor.

In a panic, Kelly had wrapped her arms around her body and head and tried to protect herself as best she could from the stampede of people heading towards her. Just a few seconds earlier the band had sounded so good, yet laying on that dirty floor the music had lost all of its appeal and sounded like a tuneless racket. As a stray foot made contact with the side of her face she began to feel dizzy and struggled to breathe. During the height of the panic, Kelly was relieved to feel a strong arm