Learning: What Parents, Students, and Teachers Should Know

By Queena N. Lee-Chua

Parents are unsure about many things. How can they help their kids with homeworks? How can they discipline their children, yet treat them with love and respect? How can they strike a balance between family and career? How can they ensure that their kids love learning?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anvil Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 2, 2010
• ISBN: 9789712729317

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

DEAR PARENT

PARENTING 101

If there were a course on Parenting 101,

what are the principles each parent should know?

All of us need to pass written and skill tests to get our diploma, professional certification, or even driver’s license. Yet many of us waltz into parenting, arguably the most important and one of the most challenging tasks in the world, with few ideas and certainly no training. I used to think that parenthood is a natural thing, shaped by evolution to be something as instinctive as breathing.

But in my psychology classes, many students ask with some measure of fear, How do we prepare to be parents? What exactly does it take? I reassure them that since they are reflecting about the process early on, they will probably make great parents—after all, concern is the main criterion—but not many are convinced.

Of course, parenthood is something none of us can be completely prepared for, but I am fortunate enough to have psychology research, wise professors, and good parents as guides. Right now, our son Scott is a happy twelve-year-old, who achieves in school, and more importantly, has a loving, kind, and generous disposition. My husband and I feel blessed—there may be some measure of luck—but my friend, marriage and family counselor Maribel Sison-Dionisio, will probably disagree. She will argue that Scott is the way he is because of the way he is brought up, and there is more than a grain of truth in that.

What You Should Know

1.

Material gifts will never replace physical presence. I know that many of us are working parents, and I am a career person myself. However, if we are often absent from the home, no amount of toys or games will be sufficient replacement. Contrary to what popular media dictates, working mothers cannot have it al—we cannot be 100% focused on work and at the same time 100% concentrated on the kids. Most of us will be happy with 50-50. I wish parents would make more effort to be home with their kids. For a start, have dinner together as a family every night.

2.

There is no such thing as quality time without quantity time. How can we bond with our kids if we spend only 15 minutes with them a day? Even if we are at our most loving and affectionate best, this is not enough. When I give parenting talks, I am often asked about the minimum time required to spend with children. This is sad. Why think about the minimum, if interacting with family is supposed to be one of the joys of life? But if you must know, an hour a day with each child is ideal. After all, we spend an average of ten hours at the office, and barring sleep, only half the time at home, where we even sneak in work. We spend more time with colleagues than with our kids, and then we complain that we cannot communicate with our kids, or that we barely know them. Remember, no one at his or her deathbed wishes he or she had spent more time at work.

3.

Unconditional self-worth is the best gift for any child. Children acquire messages from adults subliminally or unconsciously. Parents sometimes say one thing and then act in another way. Child psychologist Honey Carandang narrates the story of one parent who has an anxious daughter. The mother insists, I never pressure her. I never tell her to get perfect in the exam. But I don’t know why she is so worried and fearful. Carandang asks her, What do you talk about at dinner? The mother answers, How is the test today? How was school? No wonder the daughter is stressed out. Even if her mother loves her, she believes that she is worthy only if she does well in school. I am not advocating that parents tell their children that it is okay to flunk (failure should never be an option), but children need to know and believe that they are loved for themselves, no matter what.

Carandang and I feel that in today’s changing world, many families are at a loss to deal with issues like violence, attention disorders, absentee parents, abuse, and so on. We have therefore come up with a book entitled The Filipino Family Surviving the World for parents, caretakers, educators, counselors, and anyone who is concerned about children today. The book also contains guidelines on healing after trauma, achieving in school, analysis of media, formation of values, living with autism, the need for play. All of us parents need the best advice and tools to raise our children to be the best people they can be.

DARE TO BE A PARENT

I find it hard to discipline my son. Is it okay to give him penalties,

such as grounding or less computer time, if he fails a subject?

Am I pressuring him too much?

Of course, though you need to talk with your son first. Set expectations and goals together, and help him to achieve them. But remember, you are a parent, and because you love him, you want him to do well.

Many parents cringe from discipline. They seem reluctant to have high expectations of their kids, or to hold them accountable for their performance. They do not want to hurt or pressure their children.

A harried mother accosted me after I gave a talk at a private school. My son is at his computer till two in the morning, she said. He says he has to do a lot of research. Her son is in first year high school, and has low grades.

I do a lot of research, I replied, but I do not stay at the computer for more than a couple of hours every day. Your son is more likely playing games instead of doing his homework.

She sighed. I think so, too. My husband and I actually told him we would ban the computer, but he got mad at us. So we lifted the ban. What do we do now?

I stifled a sigh of my own. You need to set limits, I said. An outright ban is difficult, because he needs to use the computer for tasks like word processing. But make sure he does not use the computer for more than two hours a day.

But he will get very angry! she said. He will tell us that he hates us!

I looked her in the eye. Our children often say things they do not really mean. Your son will at first hate the fact that you are curtailing his leisure, but when his grades increase, he will be thankful, and so will you. Learn to say no—gently but firmly. Set limits because you care for him. He is your son, after all.

Permissive Parenting

In the book Think, award-winning writer Michael LeGault discusses the lost art of sharp and critical thinking in American life. Permissive parenting is one trend, so are pervasive commercialism, anti-intellectualism, and promoting image without substance. Without clear thinking and the willingness to persevere, LeGault says that bad scenarios may repeat themselves—the failure to respond after Hurricane Katrina, the declining quality of U.S. businesses, the dismal scores of students on international tests.

But let us go back to permissive parenting, which I believe to be one of the causes of educational problems not only in the United States, but in our society as well. LeGault cites statistics showing that teenage boys play video games for 13 hours a week and watch TV for another 25 hours.

Many U.S. parents are aware of this, though they are at a loss as to what to do. In a 2001 Time magazine/CNN poll, 80 percent of Americans say that compared to kids of 15 years ago, their children are more spoiled; 35 percent say they are more permissive with their own kids; 75 percent say children have fewer chores now; 48 percent say children have too much influence in family decisions.

I am not saying that kids have no say at all in the family, but when they stay up till the wee hours to play games, then something is wrong. When boundaries are not set, things go haywire. In the past five years, I have found myself becoming not just a teacher, but a de facto parent to several students, who suffer from depression, insomnia, anxiety; who sleep no more than three hours a night; who do not eat well; who have sex without lasting relationships; who are angry at their parents; who are angry at the world.

I ask them about their parents’ role. Do your parents know that you have not been sleeping well? A shrug. Do they know that you are having sex? A shake of the head.

Set Limits

Children not only need standards and rules for healthy social, ethical, and intellectual development, says LeGault, they desire them. [Standards lead to] good work and study habits, nurturing an outlook that aspires toward excellence, and acquiring a wide, eclectic base of knowledge … I think it’s a very valuable, realistic lesson to teach your kids at a young age that nothing is easy or automatic (even though it looks like it is), and that to be good at even one thing is going to take them way more work and struggle than they ever imagined.

What happens when parents set limits? Kids may sulk and be visibly unhappy, LeGault says. Parents can feel their pain but know it’s not going to kill them. I repeat—it is not going to kill them. LeGault says that authoritative parents may appear stodgy and uptight, but they can take comfort in the fact that they are doing the right thing.

The fear of growing up, or fear or loss of a child’s love and respect, or maybe just the path of least resistance, has led many parents to choose to be their child’s friend rather than their guide and mentor, LeGault says. Such an approach focuses on providing kids with material pleasures and comforts rather than demanding that they meet high expectations and do the work required to do so. The net result is a generation of adults who have transformed the traditional meaning of the child-parent relationship by adopting the most lax and permissive parenting practices in history.

Thankfully, many parents have seen the light. Actor and comedian Bill Cosby urges his fellow African-Americans to become better parents in a 2004 speech: I am talking about these people who cry when they see their son [in jail]. Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol? The church is only open on Sunday and you can’t keep asking Jesus to do things for you. You can’t keep saying that God will find a way … People with their hats on backwards, pants down around their crack, isn’t that a sign of something or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up.

LeGault gives parents a rallying cry: Dare to try to let your kids fail. Dare to say no. Dare to use punishment when your child misbehaves. Dare to turn off the television. Dare to make them do chores. Dare to kick them off the computer. Dare to turn their world upside down. Dare to set the agenda.

TOXIC PARENTS

My son studies in an exclusive school, and for two years, I used to wait for him at the school gate, where many mothers are gathered. At first, I conversed with them about assignments, but soon I was turned off when these mothers started gossiping about grades and honors. I also found out that these parents kept on volunteering in school activities, and some of them give lots of gifts to teachers at Christmas, perhaps to make their sons’ grades higher. I have stopped hanging out with these parents, and I have asked the yaya to wait for my son at dismissal. What do you think about this?

Once, during a seminar at a private school, I learned that several elementary teachers were also anxious about school opening. 40 rowdy boys can be a handful, I said.

It is not the boys themselves that we dread, said a teacher, whom we will call Miss A. It is their parents.

Overbearing Parents

In order for the teachers to speak freely, I promised not to reveal the name of their school. However, I discovered that their observations apply to many grade schools where students are born not with one, but two, silver spoons, as Miss A put it.

Teachers dread the Overbearing Parent (OP). This father or mother somehow manages to insert himself or herself into various school activities, whether as official parent representative or unofficial class adviser or expert.

But many parents should be active in school, I said. I myself help in activities when I can.

You are not in school every day, Miss A replied. "You don’t hang out at the Parents’ Office or the Administration, or try to get into the Principal’s Office. For the OP, career niya ang eskuwelahan, kahit hindi siya guro."

Many OPs while away the time gossiping with other OPs. They really have nothing else to do, Miss A said. They talk about the smart boys, the failing boys, the good boys, the bad boys. I wish they would get a life.

What makes matters worse is when the OPs try to use their clout in improper ways. The teachers recounted instances where children of the OPs failed subjects, and the OPs tried their best to influence the report card outcome, ranging from lavish gifts (microwave oven, flat-screen TV) to overt threats (We are alumni who contribute a lot to the scholarship fund).

Do these tactics work? Sometimes, depending on the power of the OP.

Sadly, the children of these parents often end up like their elders, Miss A said. "They may or may not be popular, depending on their barkada. But they frequently bully other kids. They have conduct problems, which their parents deny."

Negligent Parents

I applaud you for not hanging out with these parents, who seem to be OP. But do not swing to the other extreme. At the opposite end is the Negligent Parent (NP). This father or mother never attends school activities, sends the yaya to Parent-Teacher Conferences, and places upon the tutor the responsibility (and the blame) for the children’s performance. Sometimes the NP is absent because of work (such as overseas workers), but I was shocked to learn that often the NP is absent for practically no reason at all, said Mrs. B, a veteran teacher.

I had boys in my class who were flunking, Mrs. B continued. The parents missed many appointments with me. When I asked the boys what their parents were doing, the boys were honest. One boy said that his mother was in the parlor. Another boy said she was in the gym. Still another one said his mother was going on a tour of Europe.

Amusing as these might sound, they have repercussions. Children yearn for structure and the presence of their parents, and some will do practically anything to get their attention.

What happens to the kids of NP? The kids either act up or clam down, Mrs. B said. "Some are rowdy in and out of class; they tease others; they get called into the Guidance Office a lot. Kulang sa pansin kasi. Others are extremely shy; they have no friends; they spend recess or lunch in the library or in the computer room. It is painful to watch them."

These kids may grow up resenting their parents’ absence. My former college student remarked about his parents: If they do not want to be there for us, why did they have kids in the first place? Bitter words, but wise.

What You Can Do

What do teachers wish parents to do then? Strike a balance between OP and NP. Parent-teacher conferences are important, and every parent should try his or her best to attend them. When schools ask for parent volunteers (for scouting, sports day, field trips), by all means, parents should help out as much as they can. And there is nothing wrong with being the parents’ representative, or befriending the teachers or the principal—just do not interfere in school matters or try to influence grades unduly.

Miss A is right: parents need to get a life outside of school. We love our kids, but our lives should not revolve around them. They have to learn to deal with things in their own way. Of course, we need to be there for them. We ensure that they do their homework before play, listen to what happens in their day, and model good behavior ourselves.

RETHINKING PRAISE

I am a mother who went back to graduate school in psychology. I enjoy the lectures, but I was surprised to hear my professor say that we should not praise our children too much. I thought that