Love and Repair Series Set

By Chelsea Camaron

Love is a journey.

Love can hurt.
Love is patient.
Love forgives.
Love endures.
Love overcomes.
Love lasts.

This is the complete Love and Repair series set. From book one Crash and Burn where we meet everyone from the garage to Stalled where Sophia gets her hearts desire, this is a series certain to give you all the emotions.

Each book features a different couple and their journey to second chances for love and happily ever after.

Contains:
Crash and Burn
Restore My Heart
Salvaged
Full Throttle
Beyond Repair
Stalled

*Contains adult content, language, and situations. Not suitable for readers under the age of 18. This series tackles some real life problems such as domestic violence, drug abuse, and death. If these things bother you, be advised this isn’t the series for you.*

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chelsea Camaron
• Release date: Apr 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310566059

Chelsea Camaron

USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling author Chelsea Camaron is a small town Carolina girl with a big imagination. She’s a wife and mom, chasing her dreams. She writes contemporary romance, erotic suspense, and psychological thrillers. She loves to write about blue-collar men who have real problems with a fictional twist. From mechanics to bikers to oil riggers to smokejumpers, bar owners, and beyond she loves a strong hero who works hard and plays harder.

Book preview

Love and Repair Series

Love and Repair Series

chelsea camaron

Carolina Dreams Publishing

Contents

Crash and Burn

Thank you

Stay up to date

Crash and Burn

Letter to the Reader

Prologue

1. Left Behind

2. Life Goes On

3. A New Year

4. What’s the harm?

5. Taking a Chance

6. I Got You

7. Bedtime Confessions

8. Short-Lived

9. Problem

10. It Begins

11. Waking up is hell

12. Love is Blind

13. No Way Out

The End

Excerpt

Restore My Heart

Content Warning

Stay up to date

Prologue

1. Another Monday

Ryder

2. Looking Back

Ryder

3. Plain Jane

Ryder

4. Who Was Here?

Ryder

5. Taking Chances

Ryder

6. Thinking of You

Ryder

7. Friends

Ryder

8. Distractions

Ryder

9. Ready For It

Ryder

10. Morning Comes All Too Soon

Ryder

11. Brayden Happened

Ryder

12. Dessert

13. Made Out of Love

Ryder

14. Settled

Ryder

15. Come Home

Bonus Moment

Excerpt from Salvaged

16. Maggie

Brayden

Salvaged

Introduction

Prologue

1. Satisfaction

Brayden

2. Welcome Home

Brayden

3. Unexpected

Brayden

4. Gone

Brayden

5. Decisions

Brayden

6. Moving On

Brayden

7. Oh, Baby

Brayden

8. All Tied Up

Brayden

9. Money

10. Another Blow

Maggie

11. The Secret Is Out

Brayden

12. Time to Face It

Brayden

13. Change in Scenery

Brayden

14. Needing to Talk

Brayden

15. Don’t Say It

Brayden

16. Rock Bottom

Maggie

17. How Serious Are You?

Maggie

18. Mirrors

Brayden

19. Picking Up The Pieces

Harrison

20. Ghosts

21. Seeing You

Brayden

22. Casual

Brayden

23. Relapse

24. Recovery

Brayden

25. Looking Brighter

Brayden

26. Permission

Brayden

27. Rejection Stings

Brayden

28. Getting Stronger

Maggie

29. Salvaged

Brayden

Epilogue

Excerpt from Full Throttle

Jake

Full Throttle

Introduction

1. Gotta Find the Balls

Jake

2. A First Time for Everything

Jake

3. Can’t Sleep

4. Always With Me

Jake

5. Boiling Point

Jake

6. All in a Day’s Work

Jake

7. Clarity

Jake

8. Leaving Notes

Kenna

9. Girls Gone Drunk

Jake

10. Sloppy

Jake

11. No Avoiding It Now

Jake

12. That Pill They Call Pride

Jake

13. Unexpected

Jake

14. Friends

Jake

15. Let Me Love You

Jake

16. Jake, Meet Chad

Jake

17. You Need to Mean It

Jake

18. Rather Unexpected

Jake

19. Going Home

Jake

20. Where do we go from here?

Jake

21. Ready

Jake

22. Anxious Energy

Jake

23. Believe It, Angel

Jake

24. Wedding Bells

Excerpt from Beyond Repair

Hello, Harrison

Tiffany

Beyond Repair

Beyond Repair

Prologue

1. Hello, Harrison

Tiffany

2. Never Will Be Too Soon

Tiffany

3. Way Back When

4. Always At Arm’s Length

Tiffany

5. Closure

6. A Hole That Can Never Be Filled

Harrison

7. Rest In Paradise, My Brother

Harrison

8. Not the Time, Not the Place

Harrison

9. My Way Out

Harrison

10. This Isn’t Goodbye

Harrison

11. Settling In … Not So Easy

Harrison

12. Picking Up The Pieces

Harrison

13. Maybe It’s Time

Harrison

14. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Harrison

15. The Truth Will Set Someone Free

Harrison

16. All Work and No Play

Harrison

17. Fitting In

Harrison

18. Are We Really Trying?

Harrison

19. Good Friends

Harrison

20. Where Do We Go From Here?

Harrison

21. Tranquility

Harrison

Epilogue

~The End~

Excerpt from Stalled

Stalled

Untitled

Dear Reader

Prologue

1. Letting Go

2. Learning Discipline

3. Unexpected News

4. Am I Too Late?

5. Facing It Head On

6. Threats and Promises

7. Maybe Someday … Never Say Never

One Ride

About the Author

Also by chelsea camaron

Contents

Crash and Burn

Thank you

Stay up to date

Crash and Burn

Letter to the Reader

Prologue

1. Left Behind

2. Life Goes On

3. A New Year

4. What’s the harm?

5. Taking a Chance

6. I Got You

7. Bedtime Confessions

8. Short-Lived

9. Problem

10. It Begins

11. Waking up is hell

12. Love is Blind

13. No Way Out

The End

Excerpt

Restore My Heart

Content Warning

Stay up to date

Prologue

1. Another Monday

Ryder

2. Looking Back

Ryder

3. Plain Jane

Ryder

4. Who Was Here?

Ryder

5. Taking Chances

Ryder

6. Thinking of You

Ryder

7. Friends

Ryder

8. Distractions

Ryder

9. Ready For It

Ryder

10. Morning Comes All Too Soon

Ryder

11. Brayden Happened

Ryder

12. Dessert

13. Made Out of Love

Ryder

14. Settled

Ryder

15. Come Home

Bonus Moment

Excerpt from Salvaged

16. Maggie

Brayden

Salvaged

Introduction

Prologue

1. Satisfaction

Brayden

2. Welcome Home

Brayden

3. Unexpected

Brayden

4. Gone

Brayden

5. Decisions

Brayden

6. Moving On

Brayden

7. Oh, Baby

Brayden

8. All Tied Up

Brayden

9. Money

10. Another Blow

Maggie

11. The Secret Is Out

Brayden

12. Time to Face It

Brayden

13. Change in Scenery

Brayden

14. Needing to Talk

Brayden

15. Don’t Say It

Brayden

16. Rock Bottom

Maggie

17. How Serious Are You?

Maggie

18. Mirrors

Brayden

19. Picking Up The Pieces

Harrison

20. Ghosts

21. Seeing You

Brayden

22. Casual

Brayden

23. Relapse

24. Recovery

Brayden

25. Looking Brighter

Brayden

26. Permission

Brayden

27. Rejection Stings

Brayden

28. Getting Stronger

Maggie

29. Salvaged

Brayden

Epilogue

Excerpt from Full Throttle

Jake

Full Throttle

Introduction

1. Gotta Find the Balls

Jake

2. A First Time for Everything

Jake

3. Can’t Sleep

4. Always With Me

Jake

5. Boiling Point

Jake

6. All in a Day’s Work

Jake

7. Clarity

Jake

8. Leaving Notes

Kenna

9. Girls Gone Drunk

Jake

10. Sloppy

Jake

11. No Avoiding It Now

Jake

12. That Pill They Call Pride

Jake

13. Unexpected

Jake

14. Friends

Jake

15. Let Me Love You

Jake

16. Jake, Meet Chad

Jake

17. You Need to Mean It

Jake

18. Rather Unexpected

Jake

19. Going Home

Jake

20. Where do we go from here?

Jake

21. Ready

Jake

22. Anxious Energy

Jake

23. Believe It, Angel

Jake

24. Wedding Bells

Excerpt from Beyond Repair

Hello, Harrison

Tiffany

Beyond Repair

Beyond Repair

Prologue

1. Hello, Harrison

Tiffany

2. Never Will Be Too Soon

Tiffany

3. Way Back When

4. Always At Arm’s Length

Tiffany

5. Closure

6. A Hole That Can Never Be Filled

Harrison

7. Rest In Paradise, My Brother

Harrison

8. Not the Time, Not the Place

Harrison

9. My Way Out

Harrison

10. This Isn’t Goodbye

Harrison

11. Settling In … Not So Easy

Harrison

12. Picking Up The Pieces

Harrison

13. Maybe It’s Time

Harrison

14. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Harrison

15. The Truth Will Set Someone Free

Harrison

16. All Work and No Play

Harrison

17. Fitting In

Harrison

18. Are We Really Trying?

Harrison

19. Good Friends

Harrison

20. Where Do We Go From Here?

Harrison

21. Tranquility

Harrison

Epilogue

~The End~

Excerpt from Stalled

Stalled

Untitled

Dear Reader

Prologue

1. Letting Go

2. Learning Discipline

3. Unexpected News

4. Am I Too Late?

5. Facing It Head On

6. Threats and Promises

7. Maybe Someday … Never Say Never

One Ride

About the Author

Also by chelsea camaron

Thank you for purchasing this book. This book and its contents are the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied, and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes.

This book contains mature content not suitable for those under the age of 18. Content involves strong language and sexual situations. All parties portrayed in sexual situations are over the age of 18. All characters are a work of fiction.

Parts of this book tie into a motorcycle club series. This book is not meant to be an exact depiction of a motorcycle club but rather a work of fiction meant to entertain.

Copyright

Copyright © 2022, 2017, 2013 Chelsea Camaron

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of Chelsea Camaron, except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976.

This is a work of fiction. All character, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

1 st edition published: February 2014

Updated edition published: April 2017

December 2022

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Crash and Burn

Love and Repair Series One

Thank you for purchasing this book. This book and its contents are the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied, and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes.

This book contains mature content not suitable for those under the age of 18. Content involves strong language and sexual situations. All parties portrayed in sexual situations are over the age of 18. All characters are a work of fiction.

Parts of this book tie into a motorcycle club series. This book is not meant to be an exact depiction of a motorcycle club but rather a work of fiction meant to entertain.

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Crash and Burn

Love and Repair Series Book 1

A crash ended and started it all.

Dina Fowler is attending college with her longtime best friend Maggie Lawson. Life is good. They live carefree until the crash changed it all.

Her freshman year ends with the loss of her parents, spiraling Dina into a deep depression. Secluding herself as she picks up the pieces to her life, she slowly finds the only person she has left is Maggie.

Chance encounters sometimes make the most incredible moments. Other times, they crash and burn.

A chance encounter brings Michael barreling into Dina’s lost and vulnerable life. Playing on every weakness she has, he weasels his way into her heart.

They have a slow build up to hell that soon becomes Dina’s daily nightmare.

She wants out, but has no idea how to escape her new reality.

This is a fast-paced, quick read meant to introduce you to the characters of the Love and Repair series. Please note: the ending is not a traditional HEA, there is happily ever after for Dina in Restore My Heart.

Letter to the Reader

Dear Reader,

Broken, battered, not defeated. This is not a pretty story wrapped in a nice package. This is a real story—parts are my very own experience. Defeated by the hands and words of a man, I am no more. This is a story of how easily signs can be overlooked.

Outsiders often say, How do women stay in abusive relationships? They don’t understand. It begins in little ways, a slow build up. By the time a victim is aware, it can be too late.

When I released the Love and Repair Series (originally published as the Daddy’s Girls Series), I wanted to write stories that focused on the ability of one to love, be restored, forgive, start over, change, and last a lifetime. Restore My Heart was the first book to be released. Many readers asked for more backstory on Dina and Ryder. Well, here is the back story—I never promised it would be soft.

The rest of the series is written in both points of view. However, I did not write Crash and Burn with alternating points of view because I cannot grasp what would go through a man’s mind to hurt someone he claims to love. Therefore, this book is only written in Dina’s point of view, the first scene will be the only scene to be in Ryder’s point of view.

Thank you for your support, and I hope you go through the journey of love and repair, beginning with this book and continuing on with the entire series.

Much love and appreciation,

Chelsea Camaron

Prologue

Ryder

Damn, what will the night bring? Brayden and I are heading out to a party. Typically, we start at one party, maybe make our way to another; but by the end of every night, it usually ends up following us to our place. College life and freedoms are our comforts.

Running my fingers through my hair to spike it up, I smile at my reflection in the mirror. Yes, I am one panty-melting bastard with a simple smile.

Brayden, you ready? I ask, walking into our living room.

Yeah, man. He gives me a smartass smirk. Heads-up, Suzanne from last weekend is going to meet me tonight at Carly’s. He pats his chest like the cocky shithead he is. She’s coming back with me. Just so, you know, you don’t have any surprises. He winks, and I can only manage to shake my head.

Why, oh, why do you give them seconds? Suzanne is cute and all, but fresh pussy, man … I continue shaking my head, giving him a half-smile. While we’re young and free, sample the flavors of life, my man. Enjoy the buffet of women before we end up with the same meal night after fuckin’ night.

Turning his back to me to head out, he continues, I have plenty of samples. You’re the man-whore. I’m happy to indulge in seconds or thirds if the ass is good, and Suzanne’s ass is good. Looking over his shoulder at me, he says, There’s this whole innocent appeal to her. Get her alone and started, my man, she’s a hellcat in bed. He ends on a sigh.

A hellcat is good, but are you ready to give her more? Round two and three can lead to expectation. Think on that before she sinks her claws too deep and you get tied down, I tell him as we walk out the front door.

Suzanne knows the deal. She’s not looking for more than a good time for as long as she can get it. I’m not a man to get tied down, married—all that shit. She knows it, he says, climbing into my car.

It isn’t long before we pull up to Carly’s house, outside of Concord, North Carolina. She has a small house on a hill. Rumor is, her parents bought the place for her and her man until they graduate from college. Thing is, Carly and her man are on the outs and, well, she likes to keep her house occupied.

I guess it’s true what they say: some people can’t handle being alone. Her loss is our gain.

This has been the party spot for the last few weeks. Logistically, this is the perfect place. It’s just far enough out of the way that the cops don’t bother to come out, and the closest neighbor is down the road a good bit. Plenty of parking, and no one too close by to complain.

Walking into the small house, I see the party is already in full swing. At six-foot-two inches, I can easily see over the crowd. My immediate reaction is to scope the place for my piece of ass.

I see eight women I have recently hooked up with; two of whom are already en route to their approach. My reputation is that of a one-night-stand kind of man. Why they are even bothering to come over here is beyond me.

Damn, I make it clear in the morning: don’t call me because I won’t be calling you. Nothing personal. I just have my entire life ahead of me.

One day, I will find someone and settle down. For now, I want to enjoy myself and sow my wild oats without planting my seed. Safe sex, I laugh to myself, always wrap it up.

Brayden immediately takes off to Suzanne. Within minutes he’s already in a corner with Suzanne, his hand up her shirt while he swallows her face. They won’t make it back to our place. He will tap that ass in the bathroom in less than thirty minutes. She does have that sweet, innocent look to her when she comes up for air, though. Poor girl, Brayden will corrupt her and break her heart into a million pieces. Oh well, she’s a consenting adult.

These women and their misconception of changing a man make me laugh.

Hey, Ryder, a chick purrs up against me. How she knows my name, I don’t know. She is cute with shoulder-length, dark hair. She has this exotic thing going on with olive skin tones and deep chocolate eyes. Her shape is a little on the skinny side for my tastes, and her boobs are a tad small, but I can work with them. The green corset top, skinny jeans, and fuck-me heels scream she’s game to get down.

Yes, she will do for tonight. I can take her to a room and fuck her senseless with nothing on but those damn shoes.

Good evenin’, sexy, I croon, dropping my voice to a deep baritone.

I should ask her name; that would be the nice thing to do. Honestly, her name makes not one bit of difference to me, though. My name will be the one coming out of her plump lips in less than an hour and, well, to my dick, that’s what matters.

Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pull her to me, tickling my hand up her back, testing the laces of the corset.

She automatically begins pushing up against me, her breasts swelling from her top with every breath she takes.

Putty in my fucking hands.

Leaning down to breathe hot against her ear, I whisper, Beautiful, how ’bout I take you down the hall and we start this party right? I’m close enough for her to sense my lips on her skin without actually touching them to her; ghost flutters of what I will give her if she goes with me.

Reaching under her hair, I give the back of her neck a small squeeze. Tilting my head just enough, I then brush my lips against the spot behind her ear, inhaling the scent of vanilla on her skin.

Do you smell this good everywhere? I tease my temptress. I’m ready to find out if you taste as sweet as you smell.

Here is how I see it. Women, the softer sex, the most beautiful creatures ever created … from the stick skinny to the plush curves, the blondes, brunettes, redheads, and even the bottled hair color of many shades, they are all a work of art. A woman’s body is a sculpture, a masterpiece that I want to freely roam my hands over every delectable inch of.

Women smell better, look better, walk better, and the sounds they make are pure seduction, especially when they don’t realize they are even doing it. I’m an equal opportunity fucker; I want to experience them all.

Led by the hand, I follow my companion down the hall to a free bedroom. Shutting and locking the door behind us, I pull her to me and kiss her, not holding back. I part her lips with my tongue and invade her mouth while lacing my hands together behind her head, massaging her scalp with my fingertips as I devour every centimeter of her hot mouth.

She rocks her hips into me, wanting this. Then again, I have never been one to be rejected.

When she tugs at my shirt, I break away to remove it. She immediately teases my torso as she traces the lines of my abdominal muscles. I work out. I stay fit. I have nothing to be ashamed of where my body, or my bedroom skills, are concerned.

Trepidation suddenly radiates off her.

I pause, looking down at her, watching her face as she bites her bottom lip. Pulling back, I smile, waiting for a sign of her intentions as I continue to softly massage her scalp.

You wanna stop, this stops, I reassure her. I like pussy. I treasure it as the gift it is, and it’s one to be given, not taken.

When she moves to my belt buckle, I drop my hands from her head to her hips. Leaning in, I kiss her again as I work on the clasps on the back of her corset under the lacing. Feeling each one give as they slowly free her breasts is like slowly scratching off the winning numbers to a lottery ticket. My prize is coming soon.

Dropping my head to her exposed nipples, I lick a circle, following the line of her areola before I ever so gently blow on the sensitive skin. She shudders. Yep, putty in my hands.

Ryder, you’re sexier than I imagined, she moans as I back her to the bed with a laugh.

Laying her down, I remove those sexy as sin shoes while she unbuttons her pants. Then I stand back and watch in sheer satisfaction, blended with anticipation, as she slides them off, along with her panties. With her bare before me, I drink her in as I slide the heels back on her feet.

Kissing my way up her legs, I smile against her strip of hair. The carpet matches the curtains. Hmm … I let the vibrations of my voice tease her as I flick my tongue out to barely touch her outer pussy lips.

As I cup her ass, she spreads her legs wide for me, opening to me as her pussy glistens with her arousal. Yes, she wants me, and I plan to let her have me.

For tonight, that is.

Scooping her ass, I push her pussy to my face, licking between her lips and flicking my tongue against her clit. Her taste is sweet, and her body trembles at the first touch. So responsive; the shit men like me get off on time and time again.

I lick and suck her clit before moving my right hand to slide a finger inside. She instantly begins to rock against me, seeking her release. I can feel it building as I add another finger, her inner walls clenching tightly around me. Then I moan, the vibrations easily pushing her over the edge.

Riding her through the aftershocks, I slow my pace as she whispers my name.

Not a single sound is more erotic to my ears.

I pull away to remove my pants and roll on a condom. Then I position myself over her, kissing every inch of skin I can, while teasing her entrance with the head of my rock-hard cock before entering ever so slowly .

She gasps, and I immediately still. She’s tight, even for having an orgasm less than five minutes ago.

Knowing I have girth and length, I allow her a moment to adjust to my size as I feel her insides grip and release around me. Inflicting pain on my partner is not something I get off on.

Finally, after what feels like agonizing moments, but is merely seconds, she moves, taking me deeper. She lets me know she’s ready as she grips my ass, pushing me hard into her. That’s when I begin moving in and out, maintaining a steady rhythm.

I hold off my own orgasm as her body builds up again. It doesn’t take long before she is on the verge, tightening around my cock as her breath hitches. I quicken the pace, allowing myself to work toward my own release.

Vaguely, I hear her say, Ryder, my name. Say my name.

I pump faster, feeling the tingle up my spine.

Sucking her nipple hard, I send her over the edge just as my climax hits, filling the condom.

As we lie there, trying to get our breathing under control and I begin to pull out, I hear her again, Say my name.

Well, if this isn’t awkward …

Regardless, the chick needs to know the truth.

I don’t know your name and really don’t need to. You got yours, honey. Twice. And I got mine. It was a good night.

She immediately jumps up, scrambling to get dressed, tears on her face.

Rather than deal with the drama, I go to the adjoining bathroom to dispose of the condom and clean up.

If she wanted me to know her name so badly, maybe she should have clarified it before I put my dick in her. If she didn’t care to make sure I knew, I’m certainly not going to care to ask.

I know I’m an asshole. I’m young and free. One day, though, I know a woman will come along and tame me. One day, a woman will come crashing into my life and change every thought I have about women.

Until then, I’m going to enjoy every second and every curve I have along the way.

Left Behind

Dina

Whew, it’s over! The semester from hell is now behind me. My grades aren’t what they should be, yet I passed. Do final scores really matter anymore? No one is left to care.

My parents are gone. Seven months ago, a car accident took them from me.

Taking pity on me, my professors allowed me to take my exams late and from home while I was taking in all that happened. Last semester, my grades were enough to get me by during the blur of events. The pain and loss from last term carried into this one, though, and I am simply thankful to have the time behind me.

Getting by, it’s all I have managed to do in everything.

After the joint memorial service, I squared away what I could at the coast and came back to Charlotte for school. It is all overwhelming—having an apartment here that my parents picked out with the Lawson’s and suddenly having to deal with our family home in Emerald Isle, North Carolina, yet not living there.

The Lawson’s are my best friend, Maggie’s, family. Maggie has been my best friend since we met in high school. And her parents were also some of my parents’ closest friends on the coast. They were part of the Hellions Motorcycle Club - my dad was an original founding member. When the Lawson’s moved down the street and I became so close with Maggie, they ended up joining the club to. Now they are the closest thing to family I have left.

Then there was the need to sell the business because, let’s face it, as much as my dad was a great mechanic, I’m not. I get by compared to most girls, but the shop isn’t my goal in life. Roundman, Blaine Reklinger and my dad shared the shop so he easily bought out my dad’s half with a healthy settlement for me. The process has been emotionally so taxing that I am thankful to Roundman and the Hellions for making the sale as easy as possible. Then there have been the meetings … All the meetings with my attorney to settle the case. All of this while trying to adjust to life alone. It’s been too much for me to handle most days.

I had the kind of life most people would envy. My parents were so in love and so supportive of anything I wanted to do. As an only child, losing both my parents simultaneously breaks me to the very soul of who I am. Having no one to share the pain, understand the fears, and to face the loss with me all ends with this empty, helpless feeling inside that I can’t find a way to conquer. Clinging to what once was only spirals my depression further.

I want time to stop. No, that’s a lie. I want time to rewind. I want to stop my parents from ever going to the last car show. The one where another trophy was won, doing what they loved, before two lives were lost and three destroyed. The third being mine. If they would have skipped this one, they would still be with me.

It’s not their fault. No, the truck driver was drunk when he hopped behind the wheel of his beverage distribution rig. He got in the driver’s seat, and I got left behind in the wake of his actions.

For days, weeks, really, I called my mom’s phone just to listen to her voicemail message. I slept in my dad’s T-shirts for the longest time because, at first, they kept the nightmares at bay.

Not anymore.

Day by day, the pain from my loss becomes greater. There is no light coming through the window. Darkness engulfs me. I’m drowning in a sea of my own emotions, and I can’t come up for air. The loss is too deep to see my way out.

The thing is, I don’t need the pain to go away. I need my parents.

This isn’t how things are supposed to be. My parents had that once in a lifetime kind of love. My dad was the bad boy who lived next door to my follow the rules mother. He was her first and only love. He worked hard to lay the world at her feet.

How can something so good end so tragically? How could they leave me when I still need them?

Sure, I’m an adult by legal standards, but at nineteen, I still need and want their guidance.

In all the mess that has ensued, I have managed to make it through my freshman year of college. The year began with me having not a single care in the world, outside of school, and ended with me having zero direction and no one to help me tunnel through the challenges of adulthood.

Well, I guess, to an outsider, I have people. I just don’t have the people I want to have with me. The two people who came together in love to make me and raise me. The two people who worked hard to give me a good life. The two people who loved me more than anyone in the world. My parents are gone, and it’s a loss I still can’t seem to face.

My grandparents died when I was younger, and my aunts and uncles were never close with my parents. Maggie and the entire Lawson family have been amazing in helping me navigate the many facets of estate inheritance. I don’t know what I would do without them. On the other hand, they are a painful reminder of my own parents. Even the Hellions MC, while their intentions are good to be supportive of me, have been a constant reminder of what I won’t have again.

In the end, there is no way I could have done any of this without their support. I wouldn’t have returned to Charlotte and gone back to school if it wasn’t for their encouragement.

In all of this, I have enough money for a lifetime. If I budget and don’t spend frivolously, I don’t need to work or even have this education. The settlement from the drunk driver’s company took care of that, thanks to the shark of an attorney the Lawson’s helped me find and hire.

Alas, the Lawson’s begged me to follow through with my goals as if my parents were still here. With the many reminders that they were watching from Heaven, I was told they would want to see me succeed.

What is success, really? If it’s measured in my bank statement, then school isn’t necessary. If it’s measured in accomplishing something one sets out to do no matter what shit-storm life throws at them … well, I’m hanging on, but I make no promises I will finish it out.

Well, Mom and Dad, I whisper to the air around me, I survived my first full semester without you.

Nevertheless, I’m drowning in despair, and there is no desire within me to reach for a life preserver.

Life Goes On

Every college student here is celebrating the end of another semester, Maggie included. She recently started dating someone, but they aren’t exclusive. He seems nice enough, from the little I have been around him and what she shares with me. As long as she is happy, then I’m happy for her.

It’s sad, but honestly, I’m also happy she’s out of my hair. Tonight, she already told me she would be crashing at his place after the party while I’m here at our apartment. While she lives it up with a new love interest, I am snuggling into our couch, silently reflecting on my life’s losses.

Maggie means well, but I have no desire to go out. Nothing in me wants to have a good time. How can I? My parents can’t have fun, they can’t make memories, they can’t have new experiences. How can I find reasons to smile when there are no more smiles left for my mom and dad? How can I move on when they can’t? After all, there is no coming back from death.

Unless you have faced a loss like mine, then don’t tell me how to pick up the pieces of my life. This is the ever-reoccurring argument Maggie and I have. How is someone supposed to move on when the two people who gave them life are gone? How can you start living again?

There are no pieces left in my life without my parents.

They made me.

They loved me.

They raised me.

They are me.

How do I go on without part of my soul?

My phone rings, bringing me out of my reverie. Looking at the caller ID, I shrug. I’m drowning in my depression and can’t see the light. No, I don’t want to see the light, there is no light without my parents.

Get your shit together, Dina. If you don’t answer in the right tone, Harrison will see right through you.

Hello, I answer with a failed attempt at sounding chipper.

Hey, how’s it going, baby girl? he asks, and I can hear the fatigue in his voice.

Harrison is Maggie’s oldest brother. He’s also an active duty United States Marine.

Good. I try to steel my voice, fighting back the desolation in my heart and in my tone, not wanting to give away my emotions. Today was the last day of finals. How are you?

He sighs. Things have been busy. Sorry I haven’t called much this week. They have us on a workup for the next deployment.

It’s okay, Harrison. Maggie and I know you’re getting ready to leave. Honestly, we’ve both been studying; haven’t had much time to think about who has or hasn’t called, I lie.

There may not have been thoughts about phone calls, but I have had plenty of time to drown my mind in my own sorrows. Harrison may be Maggie’s big brother in blood, but he’s my big brother in heart. Lately, his calls have been the only thing that seems to snap me out of my absence in life.

You okay, D? You sound worse tonight than you have in a while. He gives it to me straight, like always, so I decide to give him a little.

I’m getting by. Trying to learn how to cope. I really would like to learn how to function without the ever-present sense of loneliness covering me.

Seriously, Dina, you need to get out some. Life goes on, even when we don’t want it to. Being depressed is understandable, but hiding in your apartment isn’t going to bring your parents back. He sighs, his tone softening even more. I love you like my sister. The hand you’ve been dealt, babe, it sucks. It is what it is, though. Baby girl, you gotta know this isn’t what your parents would want for you.

I fight back the tears prickling behind my eyes. I know, Harrison. I do know. You’re right, but I don’t know how to go on. The rasp in my tone doesn’t hide the emotions I’m so desperately trying to fight back.

Baby steps, one day at a time. We’re all worried about you, Dina. While I’m in the sandbox, you gotta be strong. I can’t be worried about you. I gotta focus. I can’t call much, either, as you know, but email me every day, Dina, every single fucking day. I need to know you’re getting by. I’ll respond as often as I can. His tone now turns serious, less coddling. I gotta prep for inspection tomorrow. Muster for formation is early, and then, if we get held back because some slob doesn’t clean his rack right then, I may not be able to check in tomorrow. That’s your heads-up. Love you and talk soon, okay?

Muster for formation. I want to sigh at thinking of how military life has changed Harrison. He’s driven, focused, and on point being a Marine. Since he lives in the barracks, he’s explained that, if they don’t pass inspection, they can’t leave base. Nor can they make calls and such. I don’t really understand it all, but he takes it seriously, so I don’t push.

Don’t worry about me, Harrison. Go be all you can be, I joke.

He laughs and, for a brief moment, my heart feels lighter.

Low blow. That’s the Army, you brat, and you know it.

Love you, Harrison. I pause. Be safe. I can’t lose you, too.

You won’t, Dina, you won’t. I hear the underlying emotion in his tone.

With that, we end the call, and I let his words sink in.

Life goes on, even when we don’t want it to.

A New Year

My first Christmas without them sucked. Maggie and I went back to Emerald Isle for the holidays. First, we dealt with a sendoff for Harrison and his fourth deployment. Then the family dinner with the Lawson family, something we used to do regularly with my parents.

With Harrison deployed again, I can’t help worrying about him. I hope what people say is true: that life won’t give you more than you can handle. If my parents are watching over me, they know I can’t lose Harrison, too. If angels are real, I can only pray my parents are keeping him safe for me.

Yesterday, we got back to Charlotte. Maggie wanted to make sure she was here to ring in the New Year with her boy toy for the month, Adam. I don’t care where we are. I am ringing in a new beginning, one where my parents are still gone. Feeling like I do, there isn’t as much for me to be excited about.

Maggie walks into our living room, distracting me from my thoughts.

Are you sure you don’t want to come? she asks happily. Callen offered to let you sleep in his bed. You can drink without worrying about a ride home.

No thanks, Maggie. I don’t know Callen. I wouldn’t be comfortable. That was sweet for him to offer, though.

Her face instantly drops, happiness shattered and frustration now encompassing her features.

With a half-grin, she adds, Well, if you come out tonight, you can meet him. He’s Adam’s roommate. She props her hand on her hip, all excitement for the night back in full force. And he’s hot. It’ll be fun and a total change of pace for you. Come on, she pleads.

Always the matchmaker. I shake my head. I seriously doubt Callen would find me much fun. Go and have a good time, Maggie. I’m okay here, I try to reassure her. I love you to pieces. Now, go see your man and start your New Year right.

I want her to be happy. I just can’t think of dating, or doing anything, really. It doesn’t feel right. Nothing does.

After Maggie leaves, I step out onto our balcony, suddenly feeling trapped by my confines, physically and emotionally. We live on a third floor apartment. The view is nothing to brag about, but it’s something.

I look out at the twinkly, starry sky where fireworks are on display in the distance. It’s almost time to ring in the New Year. A time for new beginnings, my mom would always say. Oh, Momma, how do I start a new year without you?

I sigh into the night air.

When I first moved to Charlotte for college, Momma said, Dina, if you get lonely, look up at the sky. Study the clouds, study the stars, and know, no matter the distance, I’m looking at the same sky as you. I see the same clouds, the same stars, and I’m thinking of you. We’re together, connected always.

Well, Momma, I tell the air around me, I’m lonely. I’m looking at the stars. Can you see the same ones, Momma? Are you really watching over me? People say it, you said it, I can only hope it’s true. Are you still with me? Is the connection the same?

I close my eyes, allowing the tears to fall freely. For the first time since their deaths, I find consolation.

Coping, I’m not good at it. Moving on, I can’t fathom it. This isn’t how things are supposed to be.

College was a chance for me and Maggie to experience life, and then go home and start our business together, planning parties. My mom and dad were supposed to smile proudly as I crossed the stage to get my degree. There would have been a big party, and life would go on as the happy family we were.

How can life go on without them?

More fireworks pop in the distance, bringing me out of my state of solace.

Looking inside the apartment, I take a glance at the clock that announces the arrival of the New Year. This is the year I learn to live again … without my parents.

What’s the harm?

January fades into February. I’m going through the motions physically. Emotionally, though, I feel a little better, a little stronger. I’m lost and broken, but I have a will to go on. Harrison is right; life keeps moving, even when we try to stand still.

No one calls or comes by anymore … well, outside of Maggie, Harrison, and their family. My friends didn’t know how to help me, and they certainly didn’t know how to deal with me. As a result, everyone is gone now.

It’s okay. People come into your life for a reason; some for a small moment, some for a season, and some, a precious few, somehow stay for a lifetime.

Maggie is a lifelong friend. This I know.

Maggie’s parents will visit again soon. Harrison emails me when he can. And I stay true to my commitment and email him daily. Corey, Maggie’s other brother, is busy with his life in Raleigh, but he does check in from time to time.

Funny, I’m beginning to feel ready to go out. Maggie seems to have given up on me, though. Since New Year’s Eve, she hasn’t pestered me to meet someone or go out with her. She really hasn’t invited me out for much of anything. Although I think I may be ready to hang out again, the lack of pressure from her is a welcomed reprieve.

Not in the mood to cook, I decide to head out to the café down the street.

When I arrive, it’s quiet, with only a few patrons occupying the space.

After I order my food and drink, I look around and have a realization.

Even surrounded by people, I have been as empty and alone as this café.

Lost in thought, I’m not paying attention when I turn to walk away from the counter, halted by a rock-hard, masculine chest before I take more than three steps. Smashing into him, I spill my drink on both of us. Immediately, two hands grip my waist to steady me.

Oh my … I’m sorry, I stammer, flustered and embarrassed.

He gently pulls back, his hands still on my waist. It’s okay.

I begin to juggle my bag of food and clean up my spilled drink. Then I pull out a napkin and start to wipe his shirt.

At my touch, his muscles twitch. He clearly works out.

A spark ignites inside me. I feel something for the first time since my parents’ deaths. Nervous energy now courses through my veins at a rapid pace, and I tremble slightly. Ice blue eyes meet mine and I freeze. His chiseled jaw softens and lips tip into a half smile. Blond hair is cut short but styled to make his face stand out.

The stranger places his hand on top of mine to still me from continuing my failed attempts to clean us both up.

Have dinner with me? he asks.

I’m in shock.

Um … I wasn’t planning to dine in.

Come on. What’s the harm in sitting down for a few minutes to eat with me? He raises an eyebrow. No harm, baby. I’m simply trying to get to know the beautiful woman who just ruined my favorite shirt.

I gasp. I ruined his favorite shirt? Oh, no.

He extends a hand to me, Michael Rivers. I take his hand and shake it feeling a zing zip through me, Dina Fowler, I reply.

Just dinner, keep me company for the time it takes for my shirt to dry. He smiles and I melt.

Okay, my reply is whispered.

I concede to him because I do feel bad about the shirt and because maybe company tonight won’t be a bad idea.

Settling in a corner booth while he goes to get his meal, I feel excitement for the first time in a long while.

What’s the harm in making a new friend?

Taking a Chance

Achance dinner with Michael has brought me back to the land of the living. Maybe it’s time, maybe I’m finally ready, or maybe it’s destiny. Or, maybe it’s because he didn’t know me before my parents’ death. It gives us a fresh start. I’m not sure. All I do know is that what I feel right now is nice, I have smiled for the first time in a year, and there are butterflies in my belly at the thought of seeing him again.

My silent plea to not being alone has been answered.

In the last two weeks, Michael and I have talked daily. Conversation flows freely between us. It’s refreshing to be so comfortable around someone.

Is it the newness of it all that has me so giddy? Or is the connection we share that strong?

When I talk about my parents, it doesn’t faze him like most people. He doesn’t tell me he’s sorry. He doesn’t sit there, silently waiting for me to fall apart. He simply says, Dina, I can’t imagine that level of loss.

Let’s be real. No one can. Until you feel it, you can’t remotely understand it.

Tonight, Michael and I have a date. He’s taking me to dinner and a movie.

Nervous anticipation courses through me. It’s been so long since I have allowed myself to feel anything other than sadness and despair. I’m not sure what to do with myself. All these flutters and smiles are hard to settle.

Thinking of Michael instinctively brings on happy feelings, an involuntary reaction that shows on my face. Talking to him brings a comfort that’s long been missing.

Truth be told, I have never had this comfort from anyone but my family and Maggie’s. Sure, I have dated guys. Maggie and I both had fun giving the guys a run for their money in high school. We weren’t wild, per say—our dads wouldn’t have allowed it—but we definitely weren’t the type to settle down. We didn’t plan our futures based on being with a man.

Before the accident, it was great being away at school. Maggie and I were no longer under the watchful eye of our biker dads. My dad, Rocky, was an original with the Hellions Motorcycle Club, and Maggie’s dad patched in not long after they moved to the coast.

Anytime either of us went out, both our dads rallied together with their shotguns on the porch beside them. It was so embarrassing. It used to annoy the shit out of us both. Now, I can only sit here and wish my dad was still around to screen the guys for me. His mere presence was intimidating.

My dad wasn’t an overly tall man, but he was built and tattooed. He was also confident and fiercely protective. There was no doubt in my mind that, if a boy messed with me, my dad would handle it.

What would he think of Michael? Would he approve? My dad was perceptive. Are there things I’m missing? It’s all overwhelming. He’s been a gentleman so far.

Oh, Daddy, I’m happy, I think to myself.

The despair is creeping up into my heart and head once again. I can’t do this. I need to cancel. There is no way I can go out. No one is here to watch out for me like my dad did. How can I trust what I feel?

I don’t know how to balance living and them dying. I want to go out, but it scares me. Living scares me. I am completely torn up about how to push myself and not crumble under the pressure.

A knock at the door alerts me to the time. Dammit, I was daydreaming too long and now he’s here.

I make it out of my room to find Maggie with a baseball bat in her hand, directing Michael toward the couch.

Sit. Let’s chat, Michael, she commands while I stand in my doorway to observe.

Hello, you must be Maggie, Michael says, extending his hand in greeting.

No. Maggie shakes