Intergalactic Sweet Shop

By J.J. Wright

And so it came that mankind ventured out from the Earth to explore the galaxy in all it's splendour. As mankind journeyed so did all of their hopes, dreams and ambitions. Not to mention a bag of Jelly Babies. Intergalactic Sweet Shop tells the story of the first Sweet Shop outside of our solar system. A host of characters that prove you don't have the be clever, brave or even competent to journey into space.

Written by new author J.J. Wright Intergalactic Sweet Shop is a sci-fi comedy published by Half A Cup Of Coffee. A fun comedic story about a sweet shop in space where the owner is accidentally made the captain of the first faster then light ship. Intergalactic Sweet Shop shows that mankind's inability to make calm sensible decisions isn't confined to Earth. Mismanagement is the name of the game as they journey to where no man has ever wanted to go before.

• Language: English
• Publisher: J.J. Wright
• Release date: Feb 11, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370662661

J.J. Wright

J.J. Wright was born in Leicester Leicestershire in 1982. Although raised in Hampshire he is proud of his Leicester routes and is a lifelong fan of Leicester Tigers rugby union team. He was educated in Farnborough Hampshire before going to university in Lancashire and studying management. Currently living in Oxfordshire. As well as writing his hobbies include motorsport and photography.J.J. has been writing since he was 17 years old and has recently signed with Half a Cup of Coffee, a new publishing community which specialises in helping to develop exciting new writing talent.Occasionally I offer free books for you to enjoy. The best way to encourage me to do this more often is to leave feedback (even if it's negative) and reviews.

Book preview

Chapter One

Brian looked at the dark black sky, black with twinkly bits he thought. If he had gone to the academy, like his mother had wanted, he would have known which twinkly bit was which. He would have been a Captain of his own star ship by now and this would be a far more dramatic introduction. But instead of defending his home planet from an invading alien race and having to make love to beautiful alien queens, he decided to just give a gentle sigh. His hands gripping the rail as he faced the glass cover that protected him from the cold empty vacuum of space. As he walked into the space station from his observation gallery he thought about what could have been, what should have been and why on Earth they make pickle jars so difficult to open. He looked inside his own small shop; jars full of every assortment of sweets filled the small room. This was a massive undertaking, a great achievement that was far more important in man’s conquest of the stars than any other single event in history. This was up there with landing on the moon, the first Martian colony or when it was discovered that Venus was made from pink marshmallow, this had caused quite a stir, because the greatest scientific minds thought it was made from white marshmallow. For Brian was the owner of the first-ever interstellar sweet shop.

Brian turned the closed sign over and opened the shop for the first time. It had happened, what many had described as a financial risk and a complete waste of time, had happened. Brian had just taken the sweet shop into the interstellar era. He had just laughed at the comments made by others, when he had told them about his plans, after all he had been the first sweet shop owner in space. That was well over three decades ago and now there were over 150 sweet shops all over Earth’s solar system. The space sweet shop industry was valued at $300 million. Unfortunately for poor old Brian his single shop on the moon only made a grand total turnover of $9.93 per year, not even the grand illustrious double figures. But now the sweet shop could be found outside of the solar system and on the first-ever manned interstellar station, PC6. This was truly a momentous day. It was only shadowed by the fact that Brian had no customers. Brian looked at his watch and decided that this was not going to be much of a problem because he never had any customers. He chuckled at the thought that his life was a complete waste of time, then realised that things could get worse, and no doubt they would.

Commander N. Elson looked at his new office. It was strangely bare and understated. This was surprising, seeing as this was one of the most important rooms aboard the whole station. He was in command of the first intergalactic station. He tried to understand why he had been chosen but he couldn't. So instead he had just guessed that NASA, Russia or ESA must know what they were doing, surely someone somewhere must know what they were doing. He then wondered why the station was called PC6, instead of PC1, 2 or 5, but he couldn't figure that out either, so instead he looked at the business of the day. He had to test the competence of the crew, a very important task he thought to himself. For this was a task that could determine what would happen to the entire station and maybe even the whole of mankind’s exploration of the stars. So, he turned on the intercom and dialled up the First Officer.

Is the crew competent? he asked to the Commander, who was still recovering from jet lag from the long journey to the station. His eyes were heavy and weary.

Of course, Sir. replied the young, confident male voice of the First Officer.

That's good! was the only comment made before the Commander had fallen into a deep but satisfying sleep.

You may at this time be thinking that the Commander or maybe even the First Officer is the hero of this story. But alas no, the fantasy of well-trained men being the heroes and saving the universe is not in this story because real life is not like that. If that is the type of book you want, then it would be best if you put this one down and read something else. For not all stories need to be about heroes being heroes and losers being stupid. For some of the greatest men in history were in fact zeros, Jesus Christ was a simple carpenter’s son until one day he became Saviour of mankind and small scale wine merchant. If that isn’t a career move, then what is? A plumber however now that’s a different story. What you should know is that this is a book about intergalactic incompetence in the 22nd century. For not all adventures were supposed to be adventures. I’m sure that Christopher Columbus was just popping down the shops for a pint of milk and a paper when he discovered America. If man is not confined to the Earth then neither is his stupidity, incompetence and his other redeeming features that makes life so exciting.

Brian opened the box that contained his only member of staff, a fully functional android. Well obviously not that fully function, this was after the sweet shop that in their last year of trading only made $9.93. But it was an android, no matter how corrupt its database. This was the 22nd Century factory second. Also, another problem was that the android was reprogrammed so it didn't know that it was, for want of a better phrase (although it wouldn’t be as accurate), useless. It thought that all androids were created to serve in shops and that leaves the humans to do much more interesting things and in a way, this seemed quite a logical thought to Brian as he unpacked the droid from the large metal case. He took out the huge sheets of unnecessary foam that held the falling apart droid together. Brian started the long and inevitable boot-up process. He flicked the first switch and nothing happened. Hopefully it had been damaged in the move and then Brian could sue for millions of dollars, retire to a small asteroid where he could live out the rest of his days in luxury and comfort unparalleled in the history of mankind consuming vast quantities of fudge, but instead he gave it a good hard whack and lights started to flicker. Brian leant down to one of the few plug sockets in his shop. He inserted the plug for the recharge pack that was on his droid’s back.

The Commander awoke to the flashing red lights and Sirens that filled the station. He thought for just a brief moment that he should be some-where of great importance, doing things of great importance and generally looking important. It couldn't be the stations control room, which would be filled with people running around doing important stuff, he'd just be in the way there. He tried to think where else it could possibly be. Maybe it was the medical centre, but why on Earth would he be needed there. If the doctor couldn’t help people, then he was sure that there would be no way he would be able to help them. He thought for a moment that it could be the engineering department but he wouldn't be of any use to them, he couldn’t work his electric shaver, and that was automatic. But he must be required somewhere. Then he realised that this station was filled with young, bright, brilliant, competent people, one of them must be able to figure out what is causing this unusual strobe lighting effects. Maybe it was an electrical fault or maybe a computer problem both of which he wouldn’t know what to do. Whatever it was, he couldn't do anything about it so he should just keep out of the way. Then the Commander felt himself drift away into a calming and much needed sleep. Instead of fighting it he let himself have this much-needed sleep after all whatever was wrong, it probably wasn’t that important.

The whirring sound didn't last much longer after Brian had unplugged his droid's recharge kit. He was ready for full systems boot-up. Well, as ready as anyone ever could be for such a disastrous event. It was kind of like saying you’re ready for a tornado, a hurricane or even a visit from the tax man, you’ve done all that you can do in the circumstances but you know disaster will still strike. Brian chuckled when he thought about his android being a tornado, hurricane or even a taxman. His droid would probably be quite a good taxman. Brian noticed a few lose wires, he hadn't a clue where they went but he just put them in any place, maybe they would make his android work better, his android might now be the smartest, quickest, most intelligent machine ever created in the history of the modern world, but Brian doubted it. Brian took a deep sigh, then another and then a third with much greater force than any other in the history of the universe. He knew that this was going to be very, very difficult but at least it wasn’t very, very, very difficult. As he the booted up the droid one thought filled his worried mind - sanity has now left the building.

The Commander awoke to the sound of the First Officer's voice. He was in a briefing he could tell that, now to find out subtly what was going on. Luckily the Commander was a dab hand at knowing what was being said when he was asleep, a skill he had picked up from enduring years of technical briefings that he had no hope of understanding.

So, what was causing the technical disturbance? asked the Commander in a desperate attempt to look like he was paying attention, but he couldn’t help but give a sarcastically, smug smile.

A minor power fluctuation, Sir. Replied the surprised officer, surprised because the conversation was now on the subject of the toilet system, which wasn't working.

Caused by what?

All you need to know Sir is that the station is now working normally. Sir! But now onto the toilet automatic cleaning system incidents, apparently three officers have been admitted to the doctor with unusual symptoms. Is that right doctor?

The doctor smiled back and gave the only response he could think of.

Yes Sir, they were looking a bit flushed. Several of the younger officers began to snigger. They were stared down by the First Officer, who would have found it funny but he was one of the three officers who had been reported to the doctor. The Commander felt embarrassed because he too had found the doctors comment funny.

If the Commander had not been suffering from jet lag, then he might have been suspicious of his First Officer’s way of handling this briefing. But instead he just went to sleep.

The space station was situated 4.24 light years away from the Earth's sun. And seeing as mankind could only travel at just under the light barrier the journey time had been a total 4.7 years. If on a 16th century sailing boats it was notoriously difficult to sleep on, 20th century planes were doubly so. In fact, all through history people have had problems with sleeping when travelling. Our Commander was the same way and could never ever sleep when he was travelling, he had spent 4.7 years awake. He wasn't normally as tired as he was at that moment, but after having a lack of sleep for fifty-four months of time he could sleep anywhere, providing he wasn't travelling of course.

Chapter Two

After several days had past Brian started wondering why he still had no customers, perhaps everyone was far too busy working on the station, soon ships will start arriving and his business will pick up, he hoped. He looked over towards his droid, whom was busy dusting the shelves. This act would have been quite useful if the shelves had managed to get dust on them since the last time they were dusted. Brian suspected that this was all of ten minutes ago but he wouldn’t have been surprised if the android had managed to get in a quick dusting session whilst Brian was getting his fourteenth cup of tea of the day. Brian was 56 years of age and going slightly bald. This for him wasn't much of a big problem seeing as he didn't particularly like the colour of his hair anyway. You might ask why he didn't dye it, but the truth is he wouldn't like his hair any colour and he certainly didn’t like it bald. However he did accept that it suited him in a strange sort of way. He figured out that in precisely nine years and four months, one week and two days he would retire. That would be 3416 days. He started to work out how many hours when he noticed that his android was behaving oddly. Then Brian realised that his android was always behaving oddly so he continued to figure out how long it would be until he was free from his shop, his life and even more so, from his android.

There couldn't be anything better then dusting, thought the droid. He was after all an android capable of 10,000,000 calculations a second, so if anyone knew it he did. Being able to perform 10,000,000 calculations a second could have been useful if he knew how long a second lasted. He thought it was an old way of measuring water. So he was able to perform 10,000,000 calculations in the time it takes someone to measure water. This didn’t seem like a good way of measuring how many calculations he could do. But he had noticed that he was changing. For the first time he wondered if there were any other droids in the universe. He knew that his owner Brian wasn't a droid. He had never really seen another android except in his dreams. His strangest thoughts of all, happened when he went off line but Brian hadn't switched off his power source. He would dream of what had happened, but he couldn't remember these events. He decided to speak in order to stop himself thinking about his dreams.

Slow day again Mr. Brian.

Slow day. Replied Brian who was always shocked when the droid spoke with such a clear human voice.

Then the droid realised something he had never realised before, he didn't have a name. Everyone else had a name Brian, Commander Elson, the other station crew, even the strange man who ran around the station naked, he was called, ‘You Stop!’- at least that's what the security guard called him.

Mr. Brian could I have a name? the droid asked.

At this point Brian knew what was happening. This was the moment he had feared for some time. He stopped in his motions, unsure what to do, he looked up. Realising that he hadn’t said anything he quickly thought about what had just been said. His corrupt android was developing. This was going to be tricky, if Brian didn't play this right then the station Commander would have to switch the deranged droid off for good. Brian had heard the stories like everyone of what had happened on the Io colony. One the service drones had started to want a name, within three weeks the stations power source went off line when the android was pressing flowers in the main storage tank. This wouldn’t have been too much of a problem but seeing as there wasn’t any flowers on Io the droid had decided to use the crew’s eye balls instead. Brian knew this situation was very serious, ever since the disaster that had destroyed the Io colony nearly thirty years ago the main space agencies had taken a very strong view on the ‘development’ of the drones.

Meanwhile the station Commander was faced with the toughest challenge so far during his command, no, during his entire career. He sat at the main briefing desk, inside the briefing room. To his right was a completely unobstructed view of the space that lay beyond the thin clear windows. He could see the nearby star that burnt brightly in the dark sky. Beyond that he could make out constellations that couldn't be seen on Earth. If he looked very closely he would even be able to make out a faint little glimmer of a light just to the left of the nearby one, this one was called home. Elson turned back to the room, to his left was what seemed like thousands of technicians, mechanics, scientists, mathematicians, artisans, and of course his senior officers. The blue prints for the new interplanetary craft lay in front of him. The Commander looked at the plans again and thought to himself, ‘looks likes the London underground system’. Elson was trained in astrophysics not engineering. He looked at the plans, then at the dozens of men and women who appeared to be speaking in the unknown foreign tongue of technical jargon. His First Officer saw the look of horror on his Commander's face and came to his master’s aid.

This is the main engine core Sir! informed the First Officer, who had now taken to trying to help his uninformed superior officer in order to help his own career.

The Commander sat there with a thousand thoughts running through his head, but the main never ending one was disbelief, this was the engine core, he thought he was looking at the main store room. He had to say something, anything and quick before the others realised that he didn't have a clue about what was going on, which was the normal state of affairs on board the station.

Right. he said. Right, right was all he could think of? He is the newest Commander of the newest, greatest space station, that mankind has ever built and all he could think to say was ‘right’. That made him look a complete fool.

Note the new engine core extension system this provides the craft with more atmospheric lift Sir. Informed one of the engineers, who was obviously enjoying what was going on.

Extension core, right the Commander had said that word again, right. Why couldn't he think of anything else? After all he did have an IQ of 178. Out of all the words in the English language the one he truly hated with an overwhelming passion was ‘right’. Well obviously, in a navigational sense it was essential, you couldn’t just say the ‘opposite to left’, but in the sense he was using it, it was horrible. The Commander stood up, he walked over to the full-length window that over looked his domain, space. Instead of the beautiful stars he just saw white lines and a blue background. As he closed his eyes he could see those white lines again, there was no escaping them. He took in a deep breath. Then he took in another. He knew he had to get out of this but how? He couldn't use the 'I have to go and freshen up' line, he had already exhausted all his other lines in putting this meeting off. He breathed in and out deeply one more time. After his breathing exercises, he was touched by God, or at least some form of other brilliance. He turned and without thinking he said to greatest line to get out of anything technical.

You know in these modern times it is important for us to have a good relationship with the public, especially with a well-publicised project such as this one. Elson decided to babble until he managed to think of something clever to get him out of trouble, it was a technique he liked to call ‘management’. I am not particularly good at public speaking so I would like to hear how you would explain this wonderful craft to them. It was sheer brilliance. In one move he had complemented them, made a modest remark about himself and managed to get them to explain what they were babbling on about without letting them know he hadn’t gotten a clue about what was going on. He smiled with a sense of satisfaction and also a little sarcasm. He hadn't realised how good he was at bluffing his way through these matters. Indeed, not even his own First Officer had realised the Commanders ignorance and in-fact thought more highly of him now for his ‘honesty’. The Commander could now sit back and understand all of what was being said - well most of what was being said anyway.

It was night, the droid knew that. He had succeeded earlier in the day at getting his own identity. However, for some reason his panic circuits were sending a signal back to Earth, he couldn't tell what they were saying but he somehow knew it was bad news, it was always bad news when his panic circuits were sending signals back to Earth, last time he had to be re-polished, he hoped he wouldn’t have to go through that indignity again. Dwayne, as Brian's drone now wanted to be called, was dreaming. He could see the factory where he had been created. He could hear his own