The Election of Dirk Bordeaux

By D. Throop

A political satire our elected officials so richly deserve!

Experience the tale of Dirk Bordeaux's outrageous Candidacy for Chairman of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys.  Join him as he encounters competitors, gender bias, racism, corrupt politicians, and the harsh economic realities of high-stakes politics.  All of which climaxes in the great Election Song and Dance.

The author gratefully acknowledges Prof. Wilhelm Poindexter of the University of New New New New York for the historic research that made this book possible.  The editors consider this claim to be highly fictitious; any civilized person knows that the cost of correspondence between Earth and New New New New York would be prohibitive.

• Language: English
• Publisher: D. Throop
• Release date: Sep 17, 2016
• ISBN: 9781536542806

Book preview

THE ELECTION OF DIRK BORDEAUX

© 2016 by Dale K. Throop.  All rights reserved.  No part of this novel may be copied, reproduced, or transmitted without permission of the author in writing.

This is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or institutions is purely coincidental.  And would really suck for them.

Foreword

By Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.

At the outset, let me say that my only reason for researching and writing this dubious chronicle is that as chair of the College of Political Science at the University of New New New New York, I am occasionally expected to publish something.  This work is a direct result of that obligation.  It is not intended for serious study, and any of my students found reading it will almost certainly fail.

This writing concerns the career of perhaps the most noted figure of the last thousand years, give or take: Dirk Bordeaux.  I am afraid I shall disillusion any serious student not already aware of Bordeaux’s character, but the truth is that, at least in the beginning, he was a complete incompetent.  As far as anyone can determine, luck and shrewd public relations were largely responsible for his success, brilliant though it was.  His political victories are known to have been engineered, from start to finish, by his campaign sponsors.  And yet, for all his deficiencies, his deeds have done more to shape modern history, and our present society, than have those of any other person since the time of the Roman Empire.

To understand Bordeaux fully, and the magnitude of his achievements, one must know something of the society into which he was born.  996 years ago, the planet Earth was opened for exploitation by the Council of Starfarers.  This was the lawmaking body of a loosely knit league of worlds, who possessed sufficient strength to avoid being swallowed by the three intergalactic empires then in place.  At the time, the people of Earth were at the height of a physical fitness craze.  One man—a bodybuilder—stood literally head and shoulders above all others.  He was incredibly large and strong, and he called himself the Big, Bad Wolf.  At the time of this writing, it is the only name that can be positively confirmed as his.

Almost overnight, the Wolf became an intergalactic star.  He was held in awe by everyone.  The three empires mentioned, the League of Starfarers, and even independent stellar communities paid him fantastic sums to visit, when his busy schedule permitted.  Even males of larger, stronger races than humanity could not deny that here was the crowning achievement of masculinity, the very ideal.  And in a civilization boasting one hundred percent independent, liberated females, it is interesting to note that the Big, Bad Wolf found scores of eager Little Red Riding Hoods waiting wherever he went.

But the Wolf was as clever as he was strong, and he was not one to pass up the golden opportunity he saw here.  Using the wealth he accumulated in a relatively short time, he converted his widespread popularity into political power, incorporating all known civilization under the conglomerate he founded with his bodybuilding buddies, Acme Space Guys.  Thus, the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys—IFSBG—was born.  It was the most ridiculous concept of government sentient beings ever devised, and it was 571 years before sanity began slowly to creep back into the minds of men.  That was the year the IFSBG was finally disbanded.

However, the IFSBG caused Bordeaux to be born into the dominant race of our society, rather than to a backward, oppressed people.  And this, if nothing else, has earned it an important place in history, because some of Bordeaux’s actions involved more than simple corrections of IFSBG idiocies.  And if humanity had not held just such a powerful place in society, his deeds may have gone undone.

No one knows the exact date of Bordeaux’s birth, but IFSBG year 404 is generally accepted by historians as very probable.  His planet of origin remains a mystery, leading many scholars to believe his name was assumed.

Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.

University of New New New New York.

CHAPTER 1

IN THE BEGINNING

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In the year 431 of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys, Dirk Bordeaux was faced with a serious problem.  Not the economic ramifications of the failure of that year’s Rainbow crop on the planet Erstwhile—home of the famous Rainbow Wines.  Or the increasing racial tensions between the green and the blue inhabitants of Larry’s World.  Dirk’s present concern was smaller in scope, but of more immediate consequence.

Dirk repossessed spacecraft for Acme Space Guys.  He often found himself doing this when the owners weren’t present. Such a policy made for more peaceful repossessions, and less attrition of Acme employees.  On this particular occasion, his quarry was parked near a garage for routine maintenance.  Dirk visited a uniform supply store, and purchased a generic outfit that suggested anything from a garage laborer to a city sanitation worker.  Using this camouflage, Dirk broke nonchalantly into the craft, hotwired it, and proceeded to reposess the item in question.  (He hated the term steal.)  He didn’t bother to double-check the ship’s ownership, although it may have been wiser to do so.  Halfway to his destination, the engine began to make peculiar coughing sounds.  While he did not pretend to be a mechanical expert, Dirk was aware that this was not a good thing.  It should not be happening to a ship in for routine maintenance.

This was the problem Dirk now faced.  He did not think it likely that he would reach the Acme branch office for which he worked.  In fact, the navigation charts showed that the only civilized world he had a good chance of reaching was the sixth planet in the Betelgeuse system.  Not only did Dirk not know of an Acme office on the planet, but those people were considered strange even by Federation standards, which took a lot of eccentricity.

Inspired by hindsight, Dirk checked the ship’s registration papers, and then said, Shit!  It felt so good, he said it again.  It turned out that he had taken the wrong ship.  This made his act a theft...which was, in fact, a crime.  He did not like the idea of reporting yet another blunder to his boss, so calling for help was not an option. Instead, he set his course for the Betelgeuse system.

Sometime later, the ship’s com-system alerted him that a call was coming.  Dirk muted the siren with a flourish, and ignored the flashing light.  But when his subspace phone buzzed, the caller id showed that it was his boss.  He couldn’t ignore this call, and keep his job.

Hi, chief.  Dirk kept his voice as cheery as possible.

I need an update on your progress, Bordeaux.  You haven’t checked in.  Dirk’s supervisor didn’t look like he was in the mood for bad news just now.

Right in the middle of things, chief.  I’ll get you a report as soon as it’s finished.  Dirk moved to hang up.

I just want an informal progress report, Bordeaux.  I like to know how my people are doing.

Dirk reduced the gain on his phone, and moved it slightly off channel.  I’m  getting a little interference on the channel here.  I must be moving into a zone of space-time turbulence.

Dirk’s supervisor consulted some papers off-screen.  That’s funny, he said.  There aren’t any predictions for that sort of thing in your sector today.

Little busy here, boss.  Gotta go.  Dirk cut the connection, and hoped for the best.  The Betelgeuse system seemed farther away than it should be.

*****

Dirk was the only person in the seventeen galaxies comprising the IFSBG who was concerned with his personal dilemma.  The owner of the craft he was flying had not yet learned of the error leading to repossession of the wrong ship.   And campaigns for the upcoming election were about to begin.  The election would decide who was to be Chairman of the IFSBG for the next four Earth years.  With the job went the title of Chairman of the Board of Directors for Acme Space Guys, and a fat salary commensurate with the title.  Even the problems of Larry’s World, Erstwhile, and dozens of other planets, were momentarily forgotten, as preparations for the election began.

The people who worked at Acme Space Guys’ headquarters were especially concerned about the election’s outcome.  The vast complex stood just outside the Sol system, using several huge jets to follow the star’s movement through space.  Andrew J. Gates sat in his posh office, watching his executive assistant, John Buffet, pace the floor for him.  The president and CEO of Acme was distressed this morning, to say the least.

Isn’t there a way out of it, John?

Not a chance, sir, Buffet answered.  The Senate won’t budge.  Their reasoning is that a seat on our Board of Directors for the retiring Chairman is the best way to get quality people to run for office.  He sat down on a leather couch, tired of pacing.  And it’s only guaranteed him for one year.  We can tolerate Alabamma McCall that long, surely.

But he’s such an idiot!  He’s already had the title of Chairman for the last four years.  Isn’t that enough?

Buffet shrugged his shoulders.  The position is titular only; it’s an empty title, and even our departing Chairman knows it.  The new position may be a slight drop in pay, but with it comes a chance to do something substantial.  There’s no wiggle room here, I’m afraid.

Gates sighed.  The other directors have insisted that I do something about this schmuck, or they’ll all take extended leaves of absence.  Which leaves us to deal with him, and any other problems that may arise.  They’re serious, John, and I’ve no idea what to do.

We can always send him to the Andromeda Extents, on the pretext of needing him to direct a program of expansion there.  It will satisfy his ego, and we’ve never had a great deal of influence there anyway; he won’t be able to do any real harm.  We can also curtail his powers a bit before he leaves.  And we’ll ensure he has no oversight in the planet construction project.

Real relief showed in Gates’ face.  That just might work, he acknowledged.  Of course, we can’t do that with every retiring Chairman; we need to try for someone capable—or at least tolerable—this time.  After McCall, an Acme Candidate isn’t guaranteed victory.  And put together a report on the world-building project.  I know it’s still a ways off, but I want to stay up-to-date.  His problem solved, Andrew Gates was all business: a real force at Acme Space Guys, and consequently, throughout the IFSBG.

Why worry about the election? Buffet wanted to know.  The position really is symbolic.

I know.  But the job still carries power, especially if the individual in the chair knows how to use it.  Buffet started to reply, but Gates stopped him.  We’ll never agree completely about this, John.  Let’s not argue it again.  Who seems likely to win?

The primaries haven’t yet begun, of course.  But three strong Candidates are already getting some attention.  Buffet opened a briefcase, and removed four manilla folders.  One of them is your nephew, Oliver.  He’s a favorite with the Board of Directors.  He’s a well-educated, likable young man, with good sense.  He’s also becoming something of a media darling.  His blond surfer-boy appearance should play well on video channels.  We can begin sponsoring him as Acme’s favorite son as soon as you like.

Good.  And the other two?  What’s your opinion of them?

There’s nothing wrong with them.  We could work with either one, should they manage a victory.  They’ve had good educations, and come from respectable, fairly affluent families.  One of them may even be our boy in four years.  Buffet rose, walked to Gates, and handed him the folders.  These are their dossiers.  Their names are Skip Voyager and Ray Fleming, he said, returning to the couch.  I know, Skip’s name is a bit flashy, but that’s not unusual in a native of Mondo Blondo.  Yes, that’s where he’s from, Buffet said in response to a look from Gates.  "But he’s got good qualities, and should be taken seriously.

Also, there’s a report on the Erstwhile situation.  Like Andrew Gates, Buffet liked to multitask whenever he could.  To summarize, Erstwhile has had unseasonably dry weather this year, which has altered the way that unique atmosphere refracts sunlight.  As a result, the rainbows are all too weak to produce any acceptable wines.

Are they going to request any financial assistance?

No, they’re just going to raise their prices for the next few years.  They know their product is in demand, and they’re the only source.  Besides, they’ve been stockpiling for years, so they have an abundant supply, mostly well aged.

Maybe we could offer them assistance as Acme Space Guys, with no government involvement, Gates suggested.

We tried that, but they politely declined.  The vintners of Erstwhile don’t seem to want any outside influence; especially not a financial obligation.

Have we been able to infiltrate them at all?

No, sir.  They’ve been able to block all our attempts at slipping in some of our own people, or buying any of theirs.  They screen potential employees too carefully.

We need to find out how they make their wines, Gates asserted.  A monopoly that we don’t control is just not acceptable.

We already know how they make them, Buffet replied.  "The wines come from the mushrooms that grow at the base of the rainbows.  The product is slightly hallucinogenic, but nowhere near illegal.  We’ve already looked into that possibility."

Then let’s get to work making a competing product.

We’re trying, but the results are not good.  Knowing the general theory involved does not replace Erstwhile’s centuries of experience.  Without the advice and cooperation of seasoned rainbow vintners, I expect we’ll get nowhere fast.

Have you tried our product? Gates pressed.

I have.  Connoisseurs would describe it as amateurish at best, hideous at worst.

But you’re well respected among them.  Couldn’t you persuade one or two of them to write somewhat more favorable reviews, that we could publish more extensively?

Not hardly, Buffet replied.  They see themselves as artists in their own right, and they have no respect for anybody.  Including large corporations like Acme.

Gates thought about that.  "Just how inferior is our product?" he asked after a moment.

Consider a Little League baseball team issuing a challenge to the Major League champion.  That would be an apt comparison.

Okay, we’ll accept for now that our product is second best.  It’s not the first time we’ve had to deal with that.  We can still cover a lot more ground than Erstwhile.

True.  My report covers the subject in detail, as well as an analysis of our latest attempt to persuade the Senate to redistribute the electoral votes for Chairman.  Especially regarding Erstwhile and Orion Province.

What was their ruling?

No, as usual.

John, it amazes me that we’ve never been able to budge the Senate on this issue.  We’re usually able to exert a good deal of influence with them.

I know.  But Erstwhile’s vintners have some political clout themselves; they just don’t use it very often.  And I think the fact that they don’t speak a great deal adds weight to their arguments when they do.

Gates sighed in exasperation.  This isn’t just an attempt to undermine the competition.  I honestly believe that it’s wrong for one planet to control more than ten percent of the vote in an election affecting seventeen galaxies.

I agree, sir.  But, as the Erstwhile delegation always points out, theirs is not the only civilized planet in Orion Province.  There are many heavily populated, productive worlds there.  Erstwhile is just the most influential of them.

Hell, Erstwhile makes every major decision for the province, and everyone knows it!

That may be, but—

At this point, the intercom buzzed.  Annoyed, Gates flipped a switch.  Yes, what is it? he asked, somewhat fatigued.

Sir, the receptionist answered, the spokesman from Pretty Boy Cosmetics has an appointment with Mr Buffet in twenty minutes.  You asked to be reminded.

Thank you, Miss Hadderly.  Gates turned back to Buffet.  We’ll discuss Erstwhile later, he said.  Handle this meeting carefully.  It’s not just the trillions the deal could mean for Acme.

I know the public goodwill could be significant; a good relationship with Pretty Boy Cosmetics could remove much of the hostility from the hairdressers of Omnicron-Seti Three, Buffet observed.

And that could get us positive feelings from almost half their customers, the soccer moms, across the IFSBG, Gates agreed.  The hand that rocks the cradle rules the nation, and opportunities like this don’t come every day.

No, they do not.  You may consider this carefully handled.  Buffet left to prepare for his meeting with the Pretty Boy representative.  Gates remained at his desk, reading the reports John Buffet had left with him.

*****

On the sixth planet of the Betelgeuse system, a similar meeting was being held, but with different organization and objectives.  In the first place, the participants were not human; they were of feline descent.  Secondly, they were unquestionably female.  But most importantly, they were not at all interested in maintaining the status quo.  In fact, several of them were loudly voicing their opinions of it, and what they felt should be done about it, when the woman manning the chair, Kori Lrr-Sahr, pounded the table for order.

Our divisiveness is precisely why we haven’t been able to change things in the past, she said.  She looked at each member of her committee in turn, noting that she had everyone’s attention.  "Citizens, our opportunity is now, and we must be ready!  The IFSBG is getting set to elect a new Chairman, and everyone is pretty well disgusted with the fool who is presently in office.  That means the electorate will be more willing to consider a new face, one that isn’t backed by Acme Space Guys.  In addition, society is becoming more liberal than it’s been in years.  There’s even talk of Acme conducting