Confessions of a Used Car Dealer

By Captain Clock

Don't even think about buying a used car before reading this book. In your wildest dreams you cannot imagine the tricks and scams and nefarious actions used car dealers use to trick you, trap you, and take advantage of you. You will learn how to spot the warning signs before you sign on the bottom line. Captain Clock was a used car dealer for 44 years and was renown throughout the country for his dastardly deeds. Now he tells all and can save your ass if you spring for the book. And along the way you will never laugh as hard and loud and long as you will reading "Confessions of a Used Car Dealer."

• Language: English
• Publisher: captain clock
• Release date: Jan 30, 2016
• ISBN: 9781514345511

Captain Clock

Captain Clock was a ficticous character who was created to make people laugh but also to warm them of the dangers of trusting people in a notoriously bad business.

Book preview

by

Captain Clock

So, there I was sitting in front of a grand jury facing one million years in prison . . .

In those days I had slicked back hair, lots of gold jewelry, and loose pants to hold my giant wads of money.  I went by the name of Sammy Stein back then.

The Judge was Phineous T. Bluster.  He looked a little like Santa Claus; big rosy cheeks, bulbous nose, a bow tie the size of a loaf of bread, a top hat like a ringmaster at the circus.

I remember the prosecuting attorney asking me with great curiosity about my role in the used car industry during the past three decades.

Well I had my cell phone with me and I was talking to my bookie when my attorney, Jackie Cochran, jumped to his feet.

I object, your honor, he said.  Suggesting that Mr. Stein played any role in selling rebuilt wrecks to the school districts to be used as student driver cars is only hearsay.  In his best evangelizing voice he said, If the car is a wreck, then you must send my client a check!"  Jackie sat down, smiling, proud of his legal prowess.

I was staggered.  I couldn’t believe my attorney made incriminating statements to the grand jury. 

So what are you supposed to do when you’re buying a car that may have been hit by a freight train then rebuilt by Billy Bob in his garage?

● Pull a car fax.  It helps, but it’s not infallible.

● Look at the title.  Does it have an S at the top?  That indicated Salvage title. 

● Check to see the previous state of origin.  If it is Alabama, pass the car.  Alabama is a state where you can wash the title.  That is, avoid showing salvage title.

● Check the seams along the hood, doors and trunk lid.  Make sure they are all even. 

● Lift the hood and truck lid; run your finger along the edge.  If the edges are smooth, it’s never been repainted.  If they are rough, pass on the car.

● Buy a device used by body shops that you run along the body of the car.  It will tell you if the car has been repainted or if there is bondo on the car.

Getting back to my court date . . . Jackie leaned in, covered the mic with one hand, and cupped the other over my ear.  He whispered to me, That’s a hundred dollars.  He then slid over a disk on an abacus. 

The Judge spoke up in response, "So noted, Mr. Cochran.  The witness will answer the question. 

Just a minute, your honor.  I had to hang up on my bookie which really pissed me off.

Yeah, I told him.  I was the banana man."

The Judge was livid.  He asked me, What do bananas have to with automobiles, Mr. Stein?  Are you trying to make us look like monkeys?

"No, your Honor.  You see, when a  car’s got a rod knock, the bananas   cover up the noise and the vehicle’s good for maybe another couple hundred miles.  But you can’t just start throwing bananas into the crankcase.  You need to know how much noise the

rods are making, the car model, and cubic inches of the engine.  I use   a stethoscope, just like a doctor.

So what are you supposed to do if someone puts an additive or a banana in the engine to stop it from knocking?

● Pull the oil dip stick.  Look at the fluid.  If it is not clear (you should be able to see through the fluid to read the dip stick) pass the vehicle.

● If the guy tells you that the vehicle has been serviced and cared for and the fluid is dark, it hasn’t been changed.  So, if he lied about that, then he’s lying about everything.

● Even if the fluid is clear, if the fluid is bubbly that means water and antifreeze are mixing with the oil: a blown head gasket or cracked block.

● If the fluid smells burnt or metallic, it’s toast.

● Rev up the engine.  Listen.  If you hear anything but a smooth reving, it’s toast.  If you hear ticking or clacking, it’s the lifters (top engine noise).  If you hear knocking, it’s bottom engine noise.  Either way, pass the vehicle.

Back to court . . . .

Jackie jumped to his feet.  Trying to save my ass, he said, "Your honor, my client was only referring to himself as a consultant.  He was not suggesting that he personally put three bananas in a 1978 Lincoln Continental later sold to the chief of police of Orange

County.  Then he got into his Sunday sermon voice and declared, If the bananas are ripe, you must  stick them in the tailpipe.

So noted, Mr. Cochran., the