The Suicide Letter/the Aftermath

By Internal X

A story about restless teenager in the heights of New York who gives up his life due to struggling from depression. As the time goes by and he’s nothing but a soul, he’s given the option to be reborn, stay a soul or see how his life plays out in a parallel universe with full awareness. Enter and see what he chooses.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 19, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483559773

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"Through my 17 years of living, I have found nothing but unhappiness, uncertainty and fear of what the world has to offer me next. My way of living always seemed funny to others. No one ever tried to pull me out of this deep hole I never meant to dig myself into. They just laughed and got weary of the mournful look on my face. Every time I’d open my mouth to say something, I’d get ignored or shut down by everyone around me, called a pessimist. But nobody understands that it’s hard to find joy in a world that’s nothing but pitch black for one.

Depression is more than a current mindset. It’s a way of living for some. To some, the only way of living they know, or remember to say the very least. Depression is like chasing a light, only for it to get further away right when you’re about to touch it every single time. So you stand still forever…. Until you get tired of standing and then what do you do? Do you rebuild the courage to get let down again or do you give it all up? If you’re reading this, then it already happened and this holds substance. My final words. And it’s amazing how everyone will say Rest In Peace. It’s amazing how everyone will say how much of an amazing, loving child I once was. But it’s even more amazing as to how none of those people ever tried to be there for me. None of those friends ever shed a tear when I drew a cut. Nobody ever offered a helping hand when all I needed was the touch of a finger.

Some say suicide is for the weak but, nobody knows the courage it takes to commit to ending the only thing you’re given. Time and time again, we’ve understood that nothing in life is forever or promised. You shouldn’t make a permanent decision based upon temporary problems and I agree. But when all else fails, and the problems keep piling up and all hope is lost..… Another light appears right next to you. And while the one you’ve been chasing for years and years is so far away and never seems to be within your reach. You learn to settle. So with that being said, goodbye to all who spectated and never helped.

I hope you never feel this way."

Sincerely,

Xander Davenport

CHAPTER ONE

REALIZATION

Approx. 5 Minutes After Suicide

Regrets are for those who don’t want to live with the things they’ve done or even haven’t done in the past. I regret nothing because for once, I am at ease. I feel released. I feel complete. The void I used to feel is gone and within my mind, I feel like everything is okay. Now stuck within my thoughts, all I can do is think about either the biggest mistake or best thing I’ve ever done. But it’s done, and I have to live with my actions because only I wanted this.

Approx. 1 Hour Since Suicide

I’ve fell into a weird, allusion. I see everything around me but, I can’t seem to understand why it’s all in 3rd person. Am I alive or is this a dream? Watching myself look lifeless and gone looks so, sad. Am I really that much of a monster that I took my own life like this? This is what I wanted but, I just don’t know how to feel about it all. What will it be like when everyone else sees me like this?

Approx. 2 Hours Since Suicide

Xander why haven’t you mowed the backyard and cleaned up the house like I asked you to?! My mom screams and I hear her. I hear everything. I hear my big brother’s BMW and I hear my big sister complaining about everything she doesn’t get. I hear everything that drove me to insanity. As my mother walks into the room and sees the state of me. She broke down onto the floor after busting in my room.

XANDER?!!!!!! BABY???!!! ARE YOU O… COLE!!!!!!! CALL 911!!!!!!! she screams while Cole rushes into the room panicking at the situation.

Approx. 3 Hours Since Suicide

I’m sorry ma’am but, there’s nothing we can do. I’m afraid Xander is..…

CHAPTER TWO

CONTINUATION

1:25AM and now I’m stuck in this parallax of time. Watching the people who may have loved me cry forever and whatever else I please. As I roam around this area, looking down on what I am and everything as is, three lights appear in front of me as my perspective goes black. One with me standing up in my room, one with a white light and one with a cloudy, pitch black room. With the uncertainty of what the light or obscurity may mean, I go towards what I know best.

*Phone Rings*

Shit I scream as I pick up my phone, What am I really doing?

XANDER?! screams Lily with feat in her voice, Are you okay? I’ve called you almost 20times now and you’re acting weird again. Is it happening? Are you trying to k…

…No, Lily. I’m not trying to do anything again.

I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell her the truth about what I’ve tried to do almost once again. I mean what is this? The 5th time this year? I know she probably hates me and everything I stand for but I know it’ll leave us both in agonizing pain if I even begun to tell her what almost occurred.

Everything’s okay. I was just playing Black Ops and shit got.. away from me. I said nervously without trying

to give myself up.

"Well, where were you in school today? The only time you ever miss school is when you’re doing some stupid

shit or really sick like what the"

LILY, I said everything’s fucking okay can you please get off my back about it? I snapped, I told you shit just got away from me and I’m sorry for not returning your calls.

Well, okay. She said with a slight crack in her voice, Sorry for caring, bye.

No, Lily Lo..

*Beep Beep Beep*

And again, I push away the one person who ever shows me any type of affection, great.

Xander why haven’t you mowed the backyward and cleaned up the house like I asked you to?! screams my mother from the front door.

I’ve been asking you to do it for 3 days now! Are you even home?!

Yes Mom I reply, I’m sorry, I just got all over worked today and..

Why did I get a call from your school again about you missing Xander? You do understand that this is the end of your senior year right? It’s a pretty stupid time to fuck up everything you’ve worked for!

All these college offers for a future I don’t even want. More and more I try to understand why parents of today try to make us into everything they wanted to, but failed to be. I didn’t work for this. Any of this. It just happened because the sound of others being disappointed in me leaves a bottomless feeling and I rather do well to others and live in peace than be a rebel and live in hell. For the time being at least.

I’m sorry.… I woke up late.… It won’t happen again.… I said in an slightly annoyed undertone.

"Good! Now please go mow the backyard for me. You know your brother won’t ever do it and your father isn’t

ever here. I really need your help right now Xander." She said in a very demanding yet, sincere voice. I love my mother for what she really is. A sweet lady with nothing but good intentions just corrupted by this world we live in and all the fucked up things it has to offer. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people. But then it all made sense because we are all born innocent. If life was all daisies from there on, everything would be imbalanced. There would be no sadness, no corruption, no character. But then again, being corrupted is just part of the human soul.

I spend all my days on these social media and that’s all I see. Kids like me corrupted by the truth and lies both being thrown at us at full speed. Sometimes it gets hard to distinct what’s the truth and a lie. Sometimes it even gets distorted into one and then you get me. A kid who doesn’t know how to distinct the truth from the lies and ultimately ends up lost and at crossroad with himself about everything.

Xander! Did you see my car keys? Says Cole angrily. "I have some place to be in 30 minutes with Jennifer

and I can’t fuck around and miss this."

Cole, my older brother. Star Athlete and Rock Star. Living in the neighborhood that we do, it’s not hard to impress anyone. We all have a decent amount of money. Get the latest model car, play a sport, be a little mysterious and boom. Pussy and friends everywhere. Some days I do wish I was more like my older brother, maybe even followed in his footsteps. He’s been getting all the girls I wanted since I was a Sophomore and still getting them while a Sophomore in his college. Only these girls being way older and drop-dead.

There’s no way to really explain the perfect person. It’s really whatever people make them out to be and it just seems like it distorts the vision of everyone because it’s either you’re that or you lose. But not everyone wants to be that. Sometimes people just want to be themselves and be liked but I guess life can’t always be that simple.

No, I didn’t see them. I haven’t even left the room all day. I said calmly. "Look in the kitchen or something.

You probably left the on the counter."

And another day feels clouded as I get up and walk outside to fix everyone’s problems but my own.

The sun doesn’t seem too bright anymore and the clouds don’t form shapes. Just a bunch of shapes I can’t put my finger on. But that sums up my current life.

A bunch of meaningless, fucking feelings that I can’t seem to decode but, trust me I feel every bit of pain and sorrow that comes with them all.

As I step outside, into the open world of everything I hate and adore. The roads are so vacant and quiet. The gravel and circular driveways that are usually filled with Porsches’ and BMWs are deserted.

Everyone is inside and all you hear is the sounds of life as the sun goes down. On a Friday night, the party of the year is about to happen for the last time in a while but, as always, I have responsibilities and my mother has been on edge lately.

*iPhone Rings*

Hello?

Xander! Mark screams. Are you going to the Halifax Mansion tonight?

I don’t think so. I said with disappointment in my voice.

What else are you doing? I know you have nothing to do! You even took the day off today from work! Mark says angrily. You can’t just keep avoiding your social life you know…… These are our last moments together as friends. You should make the best of it…

*Sigh*

I know Mark, I know.… I just have shit to do and

Well I don’t care, I’ll be there at 10:30 to pick you up so finish your shit and get ready.

*Beep Beep Beep*

Mark, my only good friend in this life I’ve lived. He’s not the most, amazing guy to people but he’s surely my friend and hasn’t failed to be by my side. Throughout all the distance, it’s hard to find people who stay consistent with their emotions about you.

10:30 is right around the corner and I haven’t even begun to mow the backyard yet. To be lazy and do a half ass job and come back to it tomorrow or just to not do it at all are the only things going through my mind. But maybe I matter and what I want to do should come first but, what’s a better feeling than putting a smile on someone else’s face?

Time passes quickly and by the time I’m done, it’s already 9:30. I’m really only anxious to go to this because the most beautiful girl will be there. Sarah Ash. The Ash Women are known around here for their beauty and wealth. With their parent’s being brain surgeons and all. The money is infinite but, Sarah. There’s something about her. I’m unsure if it’s her perfect brown eyes that are so light they almost seem transparent. Or maybe it’s her blonde hair that gives off a fresh 24k gold look with every meet. Her beauty and her aesthetic are the perfect bundle in one.

Being a girl you’d expect to see on Vogue or even being your basic Covergirl. She has a vibrant and basic aesthetic. There’s really nothing much about her, but there’s enough to make anyone go crazy at a first glance. But as desired as she is, she’s just as hard to get. Throughout her time of