Wranglers' Canyon/Crash Walker

By Andy Seven

Andy Seven, author of Every Good Boy Dies First, presents a double-novel package that brings a new dimension to the Western novel. Wranglers’ Canyon: a Tale of the Old West, and Crash Walker: a Tale of the New West. Both novels chronicle the twisted road of murder and deception Crash Walker must travel – first in the post-Civil War wreckage of the 19th Century and returning to the purgatory of the post-JFK assassination era of the 20th Century.

WRANGLERS’ CANYON – Crash Walker is a floater, drifting between jobs as a cattle driver, ranch hand, rodeo rider, yodeling singing star, convicted criminal, ultimately promoting to Sheriff of Jonestown. As the new Sheriff in town he faces the ruthlessly murderous Hiss Ranch, who are gunning to kill him and destroy the City of Jonestown.
With the help of a harelipped gunfighter, senile as hell snake handler, oil-addict amputee and a tribe of peyote smeared cactus harpies, Crash Walker finds his lazy hands full with babes, blood and bullets!

CRASH WALKER – Crash Walker is the Z-list star of Sixties TV show Wranglers’ Canyon. Stupid, lazy and insanely good looking, he makes the show biz beat from Schwab’s Drug Store to the International Teen Fair to Hollywood Hills parties where he crashes headlong into destiny. Unfairly accused of the murder of beloved right-wing cop show star Bill Flagg, Crash must prove his innocence.
He’s also the target of an ominous conspiracy to exploit him as a puppet politician propped up to serve a small Californian committee of powerful businessmen. Through it all he films toy commercials, performs publicity stunts, makes public appearances, visits his mentally insane missile designer father and dodges an even more mentally unstable ex-girlfriend.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 8, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483557540

Book preview

Also by Andy Seven:

Every Bitch For Himself (2014)

Every Good Boy Dies First (2013)

Wranglers' Canyon

© 2015, Andy Seven

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Originally published online in 2014 on the internet blog Out Demons Out.

Out Demons Out can be found at:

http://blackhairedboy.blogspot.com

ISBN: 9781483557540

Many men drown in their own dung,

but few die shouting for a doctor.

Jim Thompson, Wild Town

Table of Contents

Wranglers’ Canyon

Chapter One: Slap Leather

Chapter Two: Haywire

Chapter Three: Swallow The Sun

Chapter Four: Dirty Boots

Chapter Five: Blood Sticky Fingerprints

Chapter Six: A Life Without Enemies Is A Life Not Lived

Chapter Seven: Murder In My Heart For The Judge

Chapter Eight: Humiliation Coffee and Purgatory Pie

Chapter Nine: My Spurs Are Sharp

Chapter Ten: Thunk

Chapter Eleven: The Man With The Snakes

Chapter Twelve: The Peyote Curtain

Chapter Thirteen: Oil Can Harry

Chapter Fourteen: Coyote Howl

Chapter Fifteen: Wranglers' Canyon

Chapter Sixteen: Born To Be Reviled

Chapter Seventeen: Death May Be Your Santa Claus

Chapter Eighteen: The Big Sundown

Afterword

Chapter One

Slap Leather

Maybe I should've stayed but I did what I did and what's done is done. I rode with a crew leading a bunch of steers on a cattle drive across the plains of Arizona. People think Arizona's nothing but desert land, but if you get close to the New Mexico border you'll find some fine plains territory. Anyway, we pushed those damn steers for hours, at least five under the hot heat and I was plumb tired, hot and exhausted.

Sure, we took a couple of breaks, but my hindquarters was aching like a newly branded calf's. It was too much work for one man to endure, so I dropped out real slow and quiet like so no one would notice. I just kept falling back until they didn't even miss me or notice much.

Me and the horse hung back and hid behind a skinny rock formation. The horse looked tired, but not as tired as I was.

I might not be smart and I might be stupid but as sure as my name is Crash Walker I'll be damned if I herd any more cattle in this damn heat, that's for sure, I muttered to my horse while wiping the sweat from my brow.

I watched the cattle drive drift further and further on down the plain until they all looked like a speck of nothing. For a brief glimmer I actually felt hurt that nobody made a fuss out of my disappearing. Were they fed up with me or were they just too tuckered out to even care? Lord only knows.

Seeing as how the coast was clear I trotted the horse away from the rock formation, but it felt more like he was riding me than I was riding him.

Where are we goin', Clyde? Clyde's the name of my horse.

Clyde trotted over to a tiny weeded slope that had a small watering hole at the very bottom.

Well now, that's what I call one resourceful horse, I said to no one in particular. Why not? There was no one else there.

Clyde dipped his head down and drank deeply from the small pool of water. I jumped off my saddle and partook of the fine water myself. Once I had my fill, I took my hat off and dunked my head in to cool down. Then I wetted my bandana and wrung it around my sweaty neck. Shitfire!

I sniffed a strong smell and couldn't tell who smelled worse, Clyde or his friend Crash, so I got a great idea. I took off my boots, pulled off my chaps and pants, threw off my shirt, and finally slid out of my Union suit. In my man nakedness I rode the horse into the water and gave us both a bath at the same time.

I climbed the saddle in my bare feet, not so easy and hit the saddle with my balls burning on the hard leather saddle. I kicked my friend Clyde, pulled the reins towards the pool, making him jump in as deep as we could get cold and wet.

Clyde didn't seem to mind much for a sweaty spotted Palomino so we both swam around the pool. We were both naked and not ashamed, just like it says in The Bible.

While we were both enjoying our cool and refreshing break I heard a few horses galloping towards the watering hole.

Horses just don't run along by themselves around these parts, I told Clyde. There's bound to be a few fellers sitting behind those nags, I'm just willing to bet.

Before I could get a chance to get out of the water and grab my clothes, a small gang arrived. There were five fellows sitting on their horses at the top of the slope looking down at me. They looked dark and dirty, like they should have been bathing in this pool instead of me. The troubling part of it all was that some of them were smiling at me. The way a dude smiles at a pretty little thing at a dance.

Well, how do you like that, Rance? the fat smelly one asked the tall dirty one. I don't reckon I ever seen a boy in the altogether this pretty. He hardly even has any hair on his body, like a pretty girl.

Rance glared at the fat smelly guy and then looked down at me. What are you doing swimming around in our water? Who gave you permission to sit in my lake?

I straightened my back. This ain't no lake, sir, and which ranch are you fellas representing?

We're from the Hiss Ranch and we don't take to strangers jumping around in our water, see?

A guy in a black hat with a real long nose and an even longer chin piped in.

I don't know, Rance, that's a right pretty looking dude right there. I'd like to ride him hard and put him up wet.

Yeah, Rance, the fat smelly guy chimed in. Pretty boy, I'd sure like to chaw on that tight round little thing of yours.

And what would that be?

He's talking about your ass, Rubberneck, Rance said. Yeah, that's not such a bad idea. Before we shoot you I'll let the boys ride you around a little bit.

Well, when I was a tadpole I heard in Sunday school about men who favored other menfolk and ended up dying in a hail of fire and brimstone, only I doubted the good Lord was going to rain any brimstone today. I knew it and shivered a little. Even the horse looked a little scared for me. That's not good.

The five smelly outlaws had their guns all drawn on me, and damn, I had my rifle lying in the scrub with my clothes.

Okay, let's get this business over and done with, Rance announced to the other four men. Who wants to go first?

Shucks! the fat smelly guy jumped off his horse and started undoing his belt buckle. I reckon he's all sweet and tender after that little bath and ready for me!

I'll hold him down, the hombre with the big nose jumped off his horse. He might kick like a chestnut mare with those strong legs of his.

Well, before either of those two manhood bandits could grab me and take my virtue I heard a loud explosion. The fat smelly guy stopped dead in his tracks and topple over with a big hole in his stomach with blood gushing out.

The big nosed guy got it next, his black hat flipping off his head and his ear spinning in the air from getting blown off clear from his head. He dropped down the hill and rolled towards the water.

The other three hombres all spun around to where the gunfire erupted from, me too. There was this funny looking thing with a thick handlebar mustache and a huge floppy hat firing two six-guns at the gang.

The gang pulled their guns out, but their eyeballs and faces were shot clean off'n their faces! Before I could count to three the men were shot clear off their horses, even the trouble-making hoss of the bunch, Rance. Dead. All dead.

Their horses screamed and freaked out by all the gun play, they all ran off with their owners lying dead in their blood. I held on to Clyde just to make sure he didn't run off with the rest of them.

The funny looking hombre with the gun went into everyone's pockets and pulled out all their money, grabbing it all and stuffing it into his pockets.

Don't forget the guns and bullets, too, partner, I helpfully advised.

The funny guy in the floppy clothes walked down the hill with his gun pointing at me. He looked real young, too young to be looking so funny but what the hell. He picked up my clothes lying all over the tall weeds and threw them at me. I quickly put them on. The weird guy then did what I told him to do, grabbing all their guns and stripping them of their bullets and belts.

I want to thank you for saving my life and y'know, everything that goes with it, I said, most of my clothes now on.

Knnfnryutguijjuhsuihmlk, he buzzed.

Say what, partner?

Mllllftdvesvhcgcfykvbh.

Uh huh.

I pulled Clyde out of the water and leapt onto my saddle, almost slipping straight off from the wet leather.

Well! At any rate, my name is Crash Walker and I sure want to thank you for killing those Sodomites. What they were about to do was an abomination in the eyes of The Lord.

Bjklemfnsssucgcgcsg.

I rode up the hill towards him, as he was now on his horse. He pointed at me and then pointed towards the horizon, now reaching sunset and impending darkness.

Y'know, you've got a different way of talking. I reckon I'll call you Mumblin' Pete. Mndfgsfstdxfcfcfrgmvgcsgmftft, he smiled and nodded his head.

We both rode a few miles and I noticed a little town coming nearer and nearer in the darkness.

Pttrsbhshfjscvgcvvbb, he buzzed.

Jonestown, huh? Don't recall ever laying down my shoes in any Jonestown, I mused.

We both rode into town and I noticed Clyde was well relaxed from his bath and watching all those sidewinders getting killed.

I just thought of something, Mumblin' Pete. We didn't bury any of those gents, meaning someone's liable to get suspicious.

Oh, ghfgfsgfttgcvgb! he buzzed.

Well, I guess that's okay, then.

We tied our horses up in front of the nearest saloon with the funniest name: SAILOR JERRY'S DANCEHALL & SALOON.

We both walked in and sidled up to the bar. The place wasn't very crowded and everything looked like it belonged on a ship somewheres on the Pacific Ocean or at least the Gulf of Mexico.

The bartender could have been colored or might not have been colored, who knows?

He was a very dark gent, stocky like a bull but dressed very fancy, brass buttons and a purple velvet vest. I couldn't stop looking at his missing hand. He had a hook instead of a left hand but it didn't bother me none.

How y'all doing? I'm Sailor Jerry and this is my establishment. What's your pleasure, men?

I'll have a shot of Kentucky Shitfire and my colleague here'll have a beer, I clanked some coins on the bar top.

Aye aye, Jerry trotted off to get our drinks.

Sailor Jerry's got a hook, did you see that? That must get in the way of his chug-aluggin'.

Mumblin' Pete pushed my hand away with the coins.

Yttfsdxferv vffsc lmlklm, he protested.

Well, alright, I guess the drinks are on those Sodomites. Sure was nice of them to donate all that money for our entertainment.

Bgftsr hjhjbns rtvcgh!

Jerry came back with the drinks and Mumblin' Pete paid him with a few coins.

Fgrrtddxdd!

What?

Fgrrtddxd!

What did he say?

He said keep 'em comin', Skipper!

Aye aye!

Mumblin' Pete and I clinked glasses in a toast to our dearly departed assaulters.

That was some pretty good shootin', Pete. Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

Mg dfstersf.

Your daddy? Well I'll be dipped in pee.

Hbvgdrtdtfs.

After a few drinks we bought some for Sailor Jerry, too. I turned to Mumblin' Pete and smiled.

You know what you are, Mumblin' Pete? You're a spotted zebra, that's what. You're kinda like everybody else only you're a little bit different.

Vbfgfsdsf uigh?

What? What's a zebra? Why, it's like a mule with black prison stripes, and, uh -

Bghgd iotyyu srtsfrcf!

Yeah! Drink up, partner.

A cute little gal with long blonde hair came right up to us and sat next to me.

Good evening, boys.

Hey! Howdy doody. Any place a man can rest around these parts?

Why sure, I can show you. And I can show your friend, too. My name's Miss Willa.

Lead on. My name's Crash and my friend's falling asleep.

Fgvbvbsdutytcs ghghbnbn xnmxnkoiowip.

The three of us walked out of the saloon into the darkness. Sailor Jerry rang the ship's bell.

Chapter Two

Haywire

I decided to stay a spell in Jonestown, partly because I was worried about running into that drive team I ran out on and partly because, well, for such a small town they had more than a few pretty lookin' gals.

After my regular morning shit and shave I grabbed my stuff and left my room at The Jonestown Hotel. The first person I saw when I entered Sailor Jerry's Dancehall & Saloon was my dear friend Mumblin' Pete, who was holding a mug of beer in one hand and helping himself to the free lunch by the bar.

Morning, Walker! Sailor Jerry's dark bronze face cheerfully greeted me, looking dapper in his shirtsleeves and bitty string tie. What'll it be, Hoss?

Shot o' Cactus Piss, Skipper!

Aye aye!

Mnnnbbgdlogfh! Mumblin' Pete burbled at me, grabbing endless slices of meats, some reaching his little plate and others hitting his hungry maw before he even had a chance to breathe. What a hungry hombre! And who could blame him?

Grab a plate and eat up, Mr. Walker, the Real Hungry Boys should be arriving at eight strokes of the bell, Sailor Jerry planted a shot glass in front of me.

Eight bells of what?

That's sailor talk for 12 noon, Mister, uh, Walker was it? A tall, gray-haired man, somewheres scratching about fifty-five years old with a star on his chest walked up to me, extending his hand.

Crash Walker at your service, I stammered. I always get nervous when the law wanted to know my name, a fear I've faced since childhood.

I'm Sheriff Frehley, Elroy Frehley. We shook hands and I hope he didn't feel my hands trembling. Well, don't stand on ceremony! Eat up!

We both walked over to the little table with all the pickled eggs, potatoes, chili, bread, beans, and dozens and dozens of meats, all red, pink, gray and brown. We both started picking at all the meats and slapped them onto our plates.

So tell me, Mister Walker, what business brings you to our modest little town?

I'm looking for work, Sheriff Frehley.

Call me Elroy, son.

That's quite a handle, Sheriff.

What kind of work exactly are you looking for, if I may ask?

Why, I'm a rodeo rider, bulls a specialty! I bluffed. Always lie to the authorities. A habit I picked up from when I was a little sprout.

You don't say? How long can you last on a bucking bull?

Why, about twenty seconds! May I be stricken dead for lying. I was taught the ancient art of bull riding by a New Zealander of Brazilian ancestry.

Sheriff Frehley grabbed as much meat as he could. We occasionally knocked over Mumblin' Pete, who kept getting in our way near the delicious looking beefs.

Why is there so much meat here? This is a real spread, I asked nervously.

Sheriff Frehley told me about the town butcher who had a Polish name nobody could pronounce so they renamed him Mister Butcher. Mr. Butcher slaughtered everything in sight: cows, pigs, lambs, goats, possum, venison, chicken, rabbits, squirrel, the occasional snake and anything else he could get his burly bohunk hands on. I swore I smelled some cooked gopher and prairie dog on the table, too. All of the meats on the table were dried, smoked, boiled, fried, pulled, or broiled. We ate and we ate heartily, but I wondered what animal I was chawing on each time.

While old Frehley was telling me all this -by this time we were both kinda drunk and getting on just fine -Sailor Jerry got away from the bar and sat down to an old pipe organ and played it with his good hand, while he banged his hook on a broken piano next to it.

The broken down piano leaned to one side since one leg was broken and some of the keys sounded out of tune, but it didn't matter. He played a bunch of old sea shanties. He sang songs about gals waiting by the harbor for him, his voice rising higher and higher.

"I left my true love at the altar,

Standing alone by the shore,

Bid her fare thee well on a frigate bound,

To the ocean blue forever more".

Sailor Jerry's big purple lips wailed and howled like crazy, and I looked over at Mumblin' Pete. He stopped his chawin' because his lower lip started trembling something awful and his eyes welled up like an overflowing gully.

Mumblin' Pete cried into his beer, makin' me wonder if Pete ever left a girl high and dry at the altar. I kinda believe he did, that old rascal.

While one man was playing and another man was crying I looked into the mirror of the saloon and saw me, Crash Walker, twenty-five years old staring right back at me. He was about six feet tall, head of black hair, dark blue eyes and a lot of faded blue and gray clothes with a heavy brown leather pair of chaps from his cattle driving. No matter how many times I washed up, I always had dirt lines marking the contours of my face.

I became a ranch hand when I was only sixteen years old (I bluffed to get that job, too), but I was always a restless young buck and ran off to do other jobs whenever the spirit possessed me. I always did a little of everything else. Everything but bull riding.

Well, Walker, Frehley woke me from my spell, You're just in luck. My cousin runs a rodeo, a traveling one, and they're fixing to come by these parts within the next few weeks, so I guess we're in for a little treat. Get to see your twenty seconds of power on top of a bucking bull! He slapped me on the back.

I thought I was about to chuck-a-luck all my greasy meat and rotgut all over the saloon floor.

If you'll excuse me, Sheriff, I gotta tend to my horse for a spell. I'll be right back! I waved at Pete, who followed me out of the place.

Things settled down some, once Mumblin' Pete and I rode out to the plain, away from town, away from the Sheriff, away from Sailor Jerry, away from Miss Willa, all those dance hall gals and everybody else. All there was in front of us was the vast expanse of plain with me and Mumblin' Pete.

I need to take a shootin' break to calm my nerves down. What do you say?

Gzzzkt! He fingered his holster.

Pete set up a line of medicine bottles, whiskey bottles, food tin cans, hair tonic bottles, beer glasses, and other fool things on an old wooden fence for us to shoot at. I had first crack at shooting, and stepped out about ten feet away from the line of bottles and cans.

Alright, now, Pete, don't get too jealous now when I show you what a great shot I am, but anyhoo, here goes, I went into my best pistol stance, got a good bead on the line of targets, reached for my six-shooter and drew my gun. I fired away and only hit three of the ten objects lined up. My faced turned red as a rooster's butt.

Mgh wtrerdrgdgf? Mumblin' Pete cocked his head sideways at me questioningly.

Hell, I'm just gettin' warmed up! I snarled. What the heck!

Ghbctou! Mumblin' Pete cussed.

I put my best shooting face on and aimed at the targets lined up, the sun burning down on me and the white heat lighting everything up until I thought I'd go blind and then a big gust of wind hit me from behind with a loud roar. I turned around and saw five horses race right past us from behind.

They rode right by us, just a bunch of regular hombres riding with rifles hanging from their saddles, all except the dude in the middle, an elderly man dressed all in black who turned to stare at me for a second. I'll never forget his face. It was long, thin and scaly. He had the smallest eyes, which looked like tiny pools of black holes. The expression on his face was a mean, bitter, pinched face filled with venomous hatred. He had the face of a mean old rattlesnake. They rode towards Jonestown.

As they rode away, Mumblin' Pete said, Khgl moubf ervdjy!

I don't know what the hell that was all about, Pete. Let sleeping hogs lie, boy!

I reached and drew my gun, blowing only four things off the target line.

Fiddlesticks! Those bastards just blew my aim!

Huh! Mumblin' Pete waved his hand at me and scoffed. I felt like kicking his old fashioned ass clear across the Pecos for handing me that business.

Pete took my place, stared long and hard at the targets and drew his piece. He blew out every can and bottle off the fence.

He turned to me and smiled.

Well, alright, Buddy Boy, it's my turn to set everything up, don't get such a big head about it. And, by the way, don't lose your head over Miss Willa spending the night with us. Once she saw that horse-dick gambler's roll you were flashing you looked prettier than a gold coin piece to her.

Kitrf dfvjh erwv hjgsi!

I'm just telling you for your own good, don't fall in love with her. It's not your good looks she's after.

Pogh frew miku cfdes.

I AM NOT jealous.

We both sat down for a spell and I pulled out my makings, filling the tobacco over the paper, rolling the paper and lighting up. Mumblin' Pete pulled out his chaw of tobacco and started chewing away, eventually spitting up a storm.

Jhity frop bhij dekoo festry lwep, he grunted and then spat another dark brown missile of spit, splashing against a big rock, making a spotted lizard run away. The lizard probably thought it was raining shit.

Listen, Pete, you enjoy your tobacco your way and I'll enjoy it my way!

We both got real quiet for a second and then Pete buzzed.

Klop fedts jik ubb greft ilhy sdet mkoij quelo ctroiyu ahjty?

I don't know who those hombres were but they sure were ornery looking. That old gent had a face like a mean old horny toad.

I pulled on my cigarette and Mumblin' Pete kept spitting away. I often wondered if it was all that chaw in his mouth that made him talk all funny like that. We had a few more hours to kill and then who knows what we were going to do next?

Chapter Three

Swallow The Sun

When you hang around somewhere long enough you get to being inquisitive and kinda snoopy and ask a lot of questions about things that you'd normally take for granted. One day after a few drinks Sheriff Frehley told me all about the legend of Sailor Jerry, who was more of a 1st Mate, almost a Captain, and then some gent said no, he wasn't that high up the ladder, he was more of a bosun.

They don't make niggers First Mates, Sheriff, Bo, the squarehead blacksmith, grunted. Frehley frowned. If they're in international waters they don't give a frig what color you are, just as long as you can set sail, keep a steady course and run the deck with your guts together.

Frehley poked me in the gut, and whispered, Damn Swedes, they don't like darkies, Protestants or anybody else, for that matter. I threw back a shot of Stallion Sweat and sniffed.