Sunrise From An Icy Heart: A Memoir

By Claudette Alexander

Do you want to overcome betrayal, grief, and/or manage a chronic health condition, and find fulfilling love?

Sunrise From An Icy Heart: A Memoir begins with love and ends with love. You go on a discovery of the human need to find a special love, no matter what, no matter where, no matter how. This novel will have you believing in true love even after a heart damaged from debilitated relations. As Claudette's inner warrior awakens she stands in her power, courage and confidence. From this place of strength she is able to turn pain into promise and unleash her inner Goddess.

Told with drama and style, sparkling with warmth and humour, Sunrise From An Icy Heart captures the pain and pleasures of one young woman forging ahead against the odds.

Alexander chronicles her journey from age 22 to 59.

A story of survival and determination, from St. Lucia to Canada through a midst of rejections, abandonment and the power to smash through the fence of fear and fly.

A sensual, amusing, and fun read that will stimulate your senses, make you laugh, cry and learn essential life lessons.
This book is intended for mature readers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Claudette Alexander
• Release date: Oct 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9780993638602

Claudette Alexander

AUTHORS BIO Claudette Alexander was born in St. Lucia and has been living in Toronto for the past 40 years. Retired, her past experiences involve work in accounting and union activists. She has been battling chronic kidney failure for 10 years and currently volunteers leading workshops on living healthy with chronic health conditions. Her memoir “SUNRISE FROM AN ICY HEART’ is about her transformational journey into womanhood, her search for a special kind of love, the tears and joys of motherhood, and her fight to remain among the land of the living.

Book preview

Defender, mother, ruler, trouble-shooter, advisor and tutor. These are some of the roles I assumed, being the first daughter of Petrona and Oliver Alexander, and sister to nine siblings. Born September 1950 on the Caribbean island of St. Lucia, I attended an all girls’ school, elementary through high school.

No mixing with the boys, said Mom.

My family resided in an area known as The Hollywood and lived a life of modest means. Mom’s face was always scrubbed, her hair pulled back and tied with a bun at the back. Her stomach protruded as if she carried a permanent basketball, and she was as tall as Dad who towered above six feet. She sewed all her children’s clothes as well as fabric furnishings for the house. We never went hungry.

We had a very large backyard filled with an array of delicious scents: A sweet-smelling guava tree dropped one fruit every morning, becoming a treat for whoever woke up first, a lime tree which provided lots of lemonade, two green banana trees, a macamboo tree (similar to plantain) and a big breadfruit tree— all staple foods for the diets of the St. Lucian people. We also raised a few chickens for consumption.

We lived within a short walking distance of the harbour, which enabled Mom to time when the fishermen would come in with their catch, and then bargain for her price. Fish was cheap and plentiful. Mom catered to the palates of her family. For example, a simple dish of fish had to be made three ways. Some liked fish fried dry, some liked it fried and stewed, and some liked it stewed only. As for leftover food, forget it. Everybody had a voracious appetite. Dad’s quotidian method of dealing with his brood was in a loud manner, together with fist pounding. I’m the King of this castle. I make the rules around here, I expect them to be obeyed. I brought you in to this world, I can take you out. Every one of you. A whisper never slipped from his thunderous lips.

As a young girl I attended the Ave Maria Girls School, which was around the corner from the R C Boys School where my siblings attended. Whenever I encountered physical problems at or near school, I would run to the boys’ school to find my eldest brother, Ellington. He in turn would locate Timothy, and they would take care of all my battles. Nobody messed with me; otherwise my favourite saying was, I’ll put my brothers upon you. It helped that two boys came before and four boys after me in birth order. This made me the Queen Bee for nine years until sister Lydia came along.

Timothy, the second son, two years older than me, assumed the role of guardian of the family name, which simply meant no boyfriends for me? Not under his watch. He often said, When I’m on the bridge sitting with the fellas, I don’t want to hear, ‘Timothy’s sister’ in any of the conversations. I will not allow you to embarrass me. He made my teenage years a living nightmare.

When he spotted me talking to a male, he would stand between the two of us, push up his chest and in an authoritative voice asks, Claudette, don’t you have anything to do at home? Go home now.

And so the fight began. Long before there was a Thriller in Manila with Ali and Frazier, there was Thriller in St. Lucia, starring Timothy vs. me. I would end up like Frazier, defeated, tears streaming. I had my revenge though. One day I waited until he lay down for an afternoon nap and poured a ten litre bucket of ice water all over him. As Timothy mimicked the actions of the Incredible Hulk, I laughed, sprinting away like a cheetah.

Catch me if you can, I said. Got yah!

As a teenager, my favourite books were the Mills and Boon romance novels where I dreamed about my Prince Charming swooping down from some mountain, and lifting me off my feet to some magical kingdom. I saw The Sound of Music one hundred times enough. I was Liesl Von Trapp the 16 (going on 17) eldest daughter.

I did not take on the quiet, soft spoken nature of my mother; rather I inherited a greater chromosome layer of my father’s loud, fighting spirit. As for complexion, let’s just say with the lights out, Mom was still visible to the naked eye, and Dad would disappear in the darkness. The mixture gave me a soft caramel skin color.

At 19, I started my first job as an Accounting Clerk at the Ministry of Education and Health. The position involved reconciling the teachers’ payroll record to the Ledger of the Treasury Department. Also I assisted the paymaster by walking with him from the bank with a bag full of cash. When we arrived back at the office, we manually counted thousands of dollars and parcelled the teachers’ monthly salary into envelopes. The paymaster would then drive around the Island to drop off the pay envelopes at the different elementary schools. A year later I left to take up a job at Barclays Bank.

At five foot six, I walked with a swagger, my feet barely making contact with the ground. It was as if I walked on air. Heads turned to catch a glimpse of my ass as my hips sashayed from side to side. My face was flawless, a natural beauty. When I did not wear my Barclays Bank work uniform on my 111- pound frame, I would be seen in the shortest of hot pants or a mini skirt, revealing my sculptured, strong, muscle-toned legs. Those legs with no hint of fat were acquired the au natural way from many years of walking and running up hills mountains, beaches, going down valleys, and climbing trees.

Get a glass of brandy, gin and tonic, coffee or tea, and curl up in a chair as I take you on a journey of a section of my life and times. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as Charles Dickens wrote, but, I’m still here, as Celie said in The Color Purple.

CHAPTER 1

HEARTACHE

OCTOBER 1972

The glowing-hot sun rose from the sea and splashed its morning warmth, but a cold chill crept through my veins.

We’ll be together soon, baby, said Linus, his voice an undertone whisper. His kiss was long and deep, as he said goodbye.

We embraced for a lingering minute while I inhaled his Brut cologne, a scent forever remembered. As our embrace uncoiled, our puffy eyes clinched revealing our pain, faces cast downward with pressed lips. His hand squeezed mine, then he turned, crossed the scorching asphalt-laden tarmac, and ran up the stairs. He stood at the top, gave a final look, his eyes making images of the life he was leaving behind. Then he disappeared into the airplane.

My chest felt heavy as if a boulder sat on it. In rapid succession, I breathed. My life was at a low ebb and gray as the metal wings that would fly him away from me. In a brittle tone. I whispered, When? My love, when? while through blurred vision I watched my man take off like Christopher Columbus to conquer new land. I took in all of his leaving. His light blue shirt-jacket hung so magnificently off his square shoulders, long legs in navy blue pants and with each forward stride the pain on my chest intensified.

I plodded to the car. My new companions followed—hurt, headache, heartbreak. Each in turn slicing, snipping, shaving a little piece from my heart, until I thought it was demolished. For healing depended upon patience, resilience and endurance. I had none of those. I was null and void.

Hope his move to Canada to seek a better life does not backfire.

My Dad, Oliver Alexander, would not allow me to move to Canada with Linus Hyacinth. If the man loves you he will send for you after he gets settled, he said. Make no sense the two of you going up in a foreign country, and none of you know nothing about the place.

I believe he loves me but they say out of sight out of mind, or absence makes the heart grow fonder. Lord, let it be the latter. I hope Dad was right.

Walking past a few workmen on the airport, someone whistled. The wind wavered in the almond trees nearby, as I hurried into the car. I sat gazing at the stretch of turquoise sea water, breathing in the breeze. The tranquility of the aqua embodied me and I remembered happier days with Linus, my Mandingo man. As minutes crawled into hours, I wondered how long I would have to wait for his dark skinned body to touch mine. Or how long before I rubbed my hand over his muscled curved rump, or looked at his handsome face, a square forehead, and penetrating eyes with a half smile that gave people the impression he was x-raying them.

Lord, don’t let any woman in Canada poison his mind and make him forget me.

As I thought about my emptiness, pleasing images of time spent together began to infiltrate my mind.

We met in 1968, the year when Linus’ sister married my uncle and through the ensuing introductions. Timothy, the virginity protector, had left the island to pursue his own dreams so there was no brotherly interference. At 18, I attended St. Joseph’s Convent Secondary School. Linus, at 20, was already out in the workforce doing his architectural drawings. Many days he would drive me to and from school. We were in full obedience of our hearts. Being with each other was enough. We needed no extra stimulant. Sometimes when he worked late, I went to his workplace, sat and chatted as he did his drafting. We met every day. We loved to dance, go to parties, picnics or just chill with friends and some rum punch. Being with him made life so golden and radiant. I was deliriously happy.

Dad, with his height, dark skin and eyebrows that patrolled his forehead like black battleships ready to meet any threat to his family frightened male suitors. To avoid encountering him, Linus went to a nearby bridge and whistled when he wanted to visit me. I got pumped up when I heard the signal to join him. Whenever Dad was not around Linus came to my house and we sat on the steps till the wee hours of the night. I always wore a skirt so he could get easy access to the pleasure spots with his long delightful fingers. I learned the joys of figure eights and calligraphic lettering in my body. One night, the expected whistle came when my siblings and I sat at the table watching Dad eat his dinner. Our usual way of waiting for the leftovers. The family custom was to consume a big breakfast, big lunch, and at nights something light such as tea and biscuits, or juice, and a sandwich. Dad always had three big meals a day.

As I stood up to leave, Dad said, Claudette, sit your ass down.

I tilted my head to the side and in a low voice, asked, Whyyyyyy?

No decent girl would have a man whistle her across a bridge.

What are you talking about?

The whistle. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about because if you had any decency you would make the young man come to the house. Furthermore, I don’t want you to be with this man unless he comes to the house, introduces himself, and state his intentions.

Dad’s interference with our love life annoyed me, but I knew he would still be on our case until he got his introduction and I sure did not want to stop the relationship with Linus.

We agreed to meet on a Friday at five in the afternoon. He came to the house on the appointed date. Dad sat near his favourite spot by the window. Unknown to us, the whole neighbourhood knew of the meeting, and everybody gathered outside beneath the window listening to every word. I sat on a chair which felt steaming-hot. Linus remained standing. Dad questioned Linus about the relationship. Meanwhile thought he had better give us his blessings because blessings or no blessings I’m gonna still be with my man.

Claudette and I have been together for some time now. I love Claudette, and I want to be her boyfriend.

I smiled. After a few mundane questions and answers Dad went to the meat of the interrogation.

What will you do if she gets pregnant? Dad asked.

She’ll not get pregnant.

You mean to tell me that you two will not fuck?

An eruption of laughter from outside the window ensued. My jaw dropped two inches as I was not expecting this type of questioning. Also, I felt humiliated with the free show provided to the audience outside. But then again this was local entertainment.

I pounced in. Dad! We’re not doing anything like that.

Yeah, we’re not doing anything like that, Linus repeated, his face flustered.

Dad leaned forward and looked Linus straight in the eye, as if trying to see all the way down his insides while pointing his finger.

You’ll fuck one day if not already. Anyway, I ask you, what will you do if she gets pregnant?

Linus took a step back. I promise you she’ll not get pregnant until we get married.

Dad leaned back in his chair, his hand stroking his chin, So you plan to marry my daughter, eh?

Yes, I expect her to be my wife one day.

Well, right now she’s a beautiful, young woman. I would like for her to take her time before she rushes into any marriage, and please do not bring me any grandchildren right now. She’s in no position to look after any child. I already raised my share of children. I have no intentions of raising hers or anybody else’s children. Each person has to see about themselves. When you’re screwing, keep that in mind.

Times like these I wished Dad would not be so crude. Getting him to understand that his tongue only embarrasses his children—me in particular—was hopeless.

No more whistles, Linus was free to come to the house and he did the next day. He greeted Dad when he saw him and Dad no longer gave him the evil eye.

The sound of the waves smacking the shoreline slapped me out of memories. I sniffed, inhaled deeply the fresh air, took some tissue, wiped my cheeks and headed home. Till we meet again, my love.

I assumed mail from Canada should take a week to get to St, Lucia so I patiently waited for the week to end. Then I hurried home bursting with zestfulness

Any mail for me, Mom?

No mail for you.

Why had he not written? It’s about time I got a letter

Whenever I arrived home I asked Mom the same question with the same response. By week two I was really beginning to get antsy and then the long awaited letter arrived. Holding it to my chest, I danced and pranced around beaming a wide smile.

At last, I cried exultantly.

October 28, 1972

Hi Love:

How are things back home? Girl, up here is beautiful, but I cannot enjoy it because I am not yet working and you are not here with me. It is hard to get a job here if you do not have Canadian experience, but I think I will be getting one next week. However, it is so much easier for women and there are hundreds of vacancies. You must continue your typing, shorthand, and do a little bookkeeping, if you can. Continue to do your Spanish, because I wish I had continued. There are so many Italians and Spaniards up here who cannot speak English.

It is cold and I rub my skin with cream everyday because it becomes dry. I also use Lipsil; something like lipstick which you rub on your lips to prevent them from cracking.

I sure miss you girl and don’t think I will stay here much longer if something cannot be done to get you up here. My problem is I must start to work before I can sponsor you and anyhow I would never let you come up in the winter. I go to a lot of parties, but they mean nothing to me. Many times the guys see me sitting in a corner just smoking and ask me what is wrong. I just make some feeble excuse. I love you, Baby, and miss you. My whole life seems to be nothing without you. Take care of yourself, Lover, and be good for me. I went to a movie yesterday and a part in the movie reminded me of you so much, that I felt really in need of you. Knowing that you are so far away made me sad, and tears just came out. You cannot imagine love how much I need you with me. I am unable to phone you at the moment because one call overseas is about $45. Since I am not yet working, I cannot afford it. It would be easier if you would call me sometime if you want. Up here we are one hour behind St. Lucia. I have not yet written anybody else. I will do so after I start working. Give your mother my love.

The Post Office is miles from where we are and is the only place I know to get stamps so sometimes I would write but post the letter the next day. I will try to write you every two days.

Your true love forever,

Linus.

November 1972

At Home sitting near the window watching my life slip away, bit by bit.

My Dearest Linus

How are you coping with our separation? Life is not the same without you here with me. My tear ducts ran dry. I look forward to the day when we will be together again.

My Love, do not let the women in Canada cloud your brains and make you forget the fantastic music we made with our bodies. I was elated when I received your letter. Keep writing my love. Your letters will be the comfort I need to prevent me from going insane.

Since you left, I have no desire to go out dancing with friends. Going to dances only saddens me. I think about all the dances we went to; the slow songs we danced to. Nobody can hold me and float away with me to the other side of the rainbow when Quavers play those slow romantic tunes. Cannot close my eyes, stretch up to wrap my arms around your neck, and feel your body pressed up against mine as we groove in-sync with the music and loving every part of your stiffened rod resting against my treasure spot. It is just not the same. Oh Baby, I miss you so much. I love you now and forever.

Hope the job situation changes soon and you get some success with your job search. Being a man who is always busy, you are probably going nuts not working. Keep using your Lipsil as we do not want those thick juicy lips of yours all cracked up. Forty-five dollars is a lot of money to pay for a phone call so do not waste your money on that. I will write you as soon as I receive your letters, so keep them coming.

Could still see your piercing loving eyes gazing at me through the airplane window. Our airport separation lingers in the memory banks of my mind.

Bye for now.

Until??????????

Your waiting lover

Claudette.

I anxiously waited for the next letter from Linus.

November 22, 1972

Hi Love:

Things out here are not as easy as you hear. So far I have not been able to get a job because these people don’t like West Indians. However, I am still trying. Besides, everything is okay. I am staying in a nice apartment where I get everything I want and there are so many places to go. Yesterday I went to a striptease show and to the cinema alone.

I am sure you will like up here because there are many jobs for women available and there are much more exciting things to do than back home.

Kid, I miss you very much, the nights are cold especially without you by me. Inside the house is warm and comfortable. I take nice warm baths in a tub with suds all around me, I watch TV with a glass in my hand and girl you and a job are the only things missing right now.

I love you Baby and miss you very much. I want you to cherish my love and remain

faithful to me. Bear patience Love, soon things will work out and we will be together forever. Your picture and mine are on the TV at the flat and everybody is taken aback by your beauty. Not for one minute have you left my mind kid even at parties.

So long love and be good

Tell your people hello for me.

Love Linus

December 2, 1972

Hi Love:

This is the fourth letter I wrote you and I have not gotten a reply. What is happening? Is there something so interesting to you that you cannot write me or is it that I just have not received it? Baby please reply to my letters immediately. I am lonely without you. If by next week I still hear nothing from you I will be coming back home because things up here are hopeless enough without you.

It is very difficult for a man to get a job up here. To get a job you must have Canadian experience. Some of them go to the extreme and ask for such experience to do labour work. For a woman, as I stated in my last letters it is easy, but I cannot sponsor you until I am working which I hope will be next week. Please tell me what to do. If you want to leave St. Lucia I will remain here and struggle. If you do not want to leave I will be back for Christmas. I love you Kid and all I want is to be with you no matter where. So let me know what to do (Your wish is my command).

Pedro tells me to stay up here and we will get you here in June. But I figure that June is a long time for me not to be hearing or seeing anything. Dream of you every night. Had the worst effect. Dreamt that I was making love to you and when I got up, had a great desire for you and knowing it was impossible, I was mad so I went and got myself drunk.

Now I know how much you meant to me Baby, to be honest I have no further wish to stay up here without, but if only you would write me, I will remain and I will know that I have something to live for.

I love you Baby. Please give your Mom and Dad my