Candles & Incense

By C.A. Feiger

Candles and Incense is a dark story set in the mid-nineties about four friends who had known each other since early childhood. The four of them were so closely connected they considered themselves family. Three of the four find themselves in a bloody end leaving only one of them behind (Lacey) to tell the story of them and the depth of their intertwined relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 20, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483553139

Book preview

18

Chapter 1

The silence loomed over everything in the room like heavy snowfall on still air. For once, it was quiet. She didn’t hear the gunshots or her own screaming anymore, and at first, she liked it. Why was it so dark? God knows it had been dark for months. Everything seemed so completely empty and hopeless. She let her body sag against the wall she had fallen into when the bullet tore through the flesh in her left shoulder, taking shallow breaths, not wanting to move ever again.

Surveying the walls in the small upstairs bedroom through the lock of hair that had fallen across her field of vision, where her family had met the end of their lives together, all she could feel was emptiness. She heard her name and the names of her family booming over a megaphone outside of the house she and her family had been hiding in for the last two days. Tears streamed from her eyes over the pain in her wounded shoulder and the sharp pain in her soul. The desire to fight had abandoned her. The walls kept bending under the weight of the room; her head was still spinning from the drugs she had taken. They had won and her family had lost.

Stop! Stop it… I give up… just stop it! Using what little air she could pull from her lungs, she let the words split her throat. I give up!

When the police entered the room and saw her slumped against the wall, they walked to her. Lacey Balish? The voice crashed to her ears, breaking the suffocating silence.

Lacey raised her left hand slowly, then quickly dropped it back to her side as her right hand rushed to the pain in her left arm. White-hot lightning burned up and down her arm, and she let out a moan. In their final approach, she tried to shield her face, fearing they might harm what was left of her. Then she realized, as she was picked up off the floor, that there was nothing they could do to her that they hadn’t already done. Everything she had ever loved was now lost to her.

It was unimaginable that the pain in her shoulder could get any worse, but as they hoisted her to her feet, every nerve in her body screamed all at once. She hated these men that put hands on her beyond all thought and wished she could go back and fix everything. Nevertheless, she couldn’t, and it was all her fault.

The faceless men walked around the room checking the bodies of her family for signs of life. Apparently they found none because she was the only one they took from the room.

Lacey’s eyes followed one of the men to the corner where Jacob lay. His eyes were still open, blood spilling from his pale lips. For less than a second her eyes caught a single sparkle off the ring around his left ring finger. That life was over, and as they pushed her from the room she noticed her eyes were drying. Why wasn’t she still crying for him? For all of them? She loved them all, but her tears seemed to have left her stranded in a desert. More tears had fallen in this past month than had in her entire life. There were no tears left, not even for them: the ones she loved more than her own life. All she wanted now was to die with them. There was nothing left in this world worth living for.

*    *               *               *    *

Lacey walked slowly through empty rooms in the house she had lived in with her family. In the dream she was alone in the house, but she kept walking from room to room looking for her family. She opened door after door and stepped into the empty rooms. There was no furniture or posters on the walls. There were no personal effects at all: only emptiness. Just as she started walking down a hallway that hadn’t been in the house, she felt herself wake from the dream.

They had lived there as far back as she cared to remember. They had grown up together and she didn’t know how to live without them. She had no memories without them. The love between the four of them burned into her like a branding of the soul. Blood was not what brought them together. Everything they knew and suffered through was what had brought them together. They were her true family—the only family she had ever claimed. They had been present in her dreams every night of her life. Now her dreams were of her alone. She couldn’t even escape her own reality to see them in her dreams. They were gone in a flash, and all she did was cower in the corner of that little bedroom and watch them die.

The sounds in the room were what brought her out of her dream state. The pain in her left shoulder throbbed, bringing her back to reality, the very thing Lacey wished she could escape. If only this reality were not hers. If only she hadn’t fucked it all up. She couldn’t ignore it, and now it pounded on the door refusing to leave, forcing her to listen to the noise. Hearing the muttering of voices, not caring who was there, she pushed her voice to her lips. How many days have I been here?

The shuffling around her quieted, and a soft female voice beckoned back to her waiting ears, Fifteen days. How do you feel today?

Am I the only one left? Lacey didn’t want to hear the answer—she knew. Maybe this was all a nightmare and she would wake up with Jacob next to her, Sinae nursing her back to health, and Sebastian looking on making his silly jokes, always lightening the situation by easing the tension. When the female voice echoed back to her, she could feel the emptiness in her that blackened all her thoughts.

Yes.

With that one word, Lacey started weeping quietly to herself. She felt a prick in her arm and a cold fluid rushed into her veins. Her thoughts quieted; her tears stopped burning so deeply in her eyes.

*    *               *               *    *

When they brought her in at first, the LSD was still pumping hard through her system, and she fought them with all she had, despite the gunshot wound in her arm. The hallucinations that had engulfed her at the time were in a way comforting, but they only reminded her that she would never again see the life she had lost. Thus, after she had spent an unknown amount of time heavily sedated, in restraints, she was walked down the hall aside a guard. She asked where they were going, but he didn’t answer. With rough hands he shoved her into an office, where a man sat behind a desk. A sinking feeling came to her; she knew that it would only get worse from that point on. Moreover, she wondered if her life would abide beyond this place and this man sitting before her.

Lacey sat in a low-backed chair, looking out a narrow window into a yard she had not seen before that day. Her red-brown hair hung down around the sides of her face and across her forehead, hiding her wide blue eyes that now sunk into their sockets. Beauty had always been hers: fair skin and soft features, her face was round through her cheeks, tapering into an oval shape at her chin. It seemed that she could recall all the times Jacob had said she was beautiful and had run his fingers gently down the side of her face. He was gone now—all three of them were. There was nothing but this empty reality that dragged from day to day.

I wish I had died with them. I don’t belong on this earth without them. She glanced up at the man sitting behind the long desk and read the gold nameplate on the edge of it. His name was A. Louden. He was a tall man with perfect posture, giving him a tall look whether her was standing or sitting. He was broad through the shoulders and in excellent shape. He wore a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. The way the features came together on his face created a handsome appearance. He had dark brown hair with the slightest brushing of grey at his temples. His eyes were of the deepest brown—so dark it was hard to differentiate where the pupil stopped and the iris began. He wore wire-rimmed glasses, the lenses small and round. The features of his face were sharp and distinctive. His mouth was small and slightly pouty when it was closed, and he never seemed to smile.

Lacey asked this Louden person what they intended to do with her. Why hadn’t they just shot her like the others? His response was that she was in for interrogation, and she would answer their questions until they were satisfied with the answers. Then they would let her know what was to become of her. She didn’t like it, but she couldn’t do anything about it.

What makes you believe you cannot go on without them? Do you need them to exist? He lifted his pen to note her reaction.

They were the reason I existed. They were my family. I lived because they loved me… more than anyone on this earth ever could—ever would.

Who was the family? Just you and Jacob Carrar?

No. All four of us. She looked up to him, hoping the answer would suffice. It didn’t.

Meaning which four? Give me the names. That is what I want. Louden picked up a single sheet of paper off the desk: a list of names.

For one, me. You know my name. There was a pause. Jacob Carrar, Sinae Phinning, Sebastian Dunn. She stopped; it hurt to say their names to this man who could never understand her and her family. It was as if she were cursing them, what they believed in, and most of all, who they had been.

What about Brian Lanning? Was he part of your family?

No. Brian was never in our family. She looked away. That was different.

What do you mean ‘that was different’? What was he if he was not part of the family?

She shivered. I can’t just say what he was…. To understand who he was, you would have to know us from the beginning.

Well, then let’s start from the beginning. He held up his yellow notepad, awaiting her answer.

It’s a long, story. She slowly closed her eyes.

We have all the time it will take for you to tell it. He tapped his pen on the desk.

All the time in the world for you, not me, Lacey said slightly under her breath.

Lacey, let me put it to you in a different way. Tell your story so we will understand. You are just as directly involved as your ‘family,’ whether you would like to admit it or not. This story could clear your name. We need to know what happened. If you are not the one who pulled the trigger, you’re not guilty as charged. You will not have to spend the rest of your life in jail. You do know you’re being charged with the murder of Brian Lanning?

Is that what this is, jail? She looked at his smug face, ignoring his question.

Look at it this way. Right now, you are the only one who knows what happened. Without that, you’re just as dead as your friends. He paused. Who killed Brian Lanning?

I’m already dead. You just don’t see that yet. She lowered her head. I don’t want to talk about this. Why is it so important?

Let’s just start from the beginning, he repeated rather impatiently.

Okay. She let out a sigh. Let’s start from the beginning.

Chapter 2

A young girl of eight years sat at the edge of the playground. Her red-brown hair hid her wide blue eyes while she watched the other children. She was new at this school and had always found it hard to make new friends. She was shy and one of the quietest kids in class, and she almost liked it that way. If you made no noise and stayed out of the way, you wouldn’t get in any trouble. She could hear her mother’s voice telling her to be good, pay attention in school, and not to worry about making friends. All good things come to those who wait. Therefore she waited—alone at the edge of the playground.

Lacey had been watching a small brunette girl gradually close in on the distance between them. As the brunette walked up to her, Lacey shifted.

Why are you sitting all alone over here? Don’t you have anyone to play with? the brunette asked her.

No. I’m new. I haven’t met anyone yet. She looked down into her hands and studied the grass she had tugged from the earth.

Well, you just met me. Do you want to play? The brunette girl smiled.

Okay. Lacey stood up and looked into her warm smile. I’m Lacey.

I’m Sinae. I’m in the third grade, in Ms. Thorton’s class. She extended her hand and they shook like adults. They took off across the playground, and Sinae started asking questions. How long have you lived here?

About a month. My mom and I just moved into our own house. Lacey paused. My parents got a divorce. My brother went with my dad, and I went with my mom.

My parents are divorced too. I live with my mom, but at least I got my own room. Sinae smiled.

Me too. But I always had my own room. Did you have to share a room? Lacey questioned this alien concept.

With my sister. What are you doing after school? she asked, changing the subject.

Going home.

Want to come over to my house? Sinae looked up at her new friend.

I would have to ask. My mom would get mad if I didn’t.

Well then we’ll walk to your house after school and ask. Sinae looked up and saw her teacher’s hand raised in the air, signifying it was time to go in from recess. Meet me at the front doors after school.

Okay. Lacey saw her teacher’s hand in the air as well, and they headed toward the beckoning hands. As they lined up, Sinae called to Lacey, See you after school!

Okay. A smile lit Lacey’s face.

*    *               *               *    *

After school let out for the day, Lacey waited for her new friend by the front doors until Sinae walked up to her.

Ready? Again she flashed the warm smile she had first greeted Lacey with.

Yup. Let’s go! They walked from the school and started heading toward Lacey’s house.

The two of them walked along the sidewalk under the tall green trees, scattering shade all across the sidewalk and street as the breeze swept through their hair. Talking to each other, they didn’t notice the other kids around them walking and running home past them.

Then they heard Sinae’s name being called from behind them. Sinae turned to look and stopped to wait for the two boys that were walking up to them. One boy had dark hair and dark eyes. His hair lay on his forehead, and he kept brushing it away from his eyes. Next to him was a smaller, frail-looking blond boy. He was quiet and seemed shy like her, but Lacey noticed at once that he had green eyes and a sweet smile, framed by scattered freckles across this cheek and nose. The two boys stood next to Sinae.

Who’s this? the dark-haired boy asked Sinae as he pointed at Lacey.

Lacey instantly thought she was going to lose her new friend.

This is our new friend Lacey. She put her arm around Lacey and pointed to the dark-haired boy. This is Jacob, and this… She turned her hand toward the blond boy. Is Sebastian. Sinae smiled.

Hello Lacey, Sebastian smiled and flipped one of the buttons on her shirt.

I like your hair, Jacob said. It’s pretty. He looked at Sinae and then back to Lacey, You two want to come over to my house? I’m allowed to play in the fort again. He smiled.

Well, you know I can, but Lacey has to ask her mom if it’s okay to come over and play. Sinae looked at Lacey. You want to go to Jacob’s house? He has the coolest fort in the whole neighborhood.

Sinae, yours is cooler Jacob offered.

Mine’s too close to my house. Yours is out in the woods, Sinae admitted.

Yeah! But I have to ask first. I don’t think my mom will say no. I don’t have anyone else to play with. She even said she wanted me to make friends, Lacey said quickly.

Well then, let’s go! Sebastian said. With that they turned and let Lacey lead the way to her house to ask her mother if she could play with her new friends.

Once they arrived at Lacey’s house, she walked through the front door. Come on in! Lacey waved her arm over her head, motioning for them to enter.

In the kitchen, her mother sat smoking a cigarette, looking over the bills. She had a slightly irritated look on her face.

Mom.

Lacey’s mother looked up. Lacey! You’re home. And who are your friends? She smiled at the children standing before her.

This is Sinae, Jacob, and Sebastian. She pointed to each of her new friends. I met them at school today. Jacob asked if I can go play at his house today. Can I? She looked at her mother waiting for the answer.

Well, if Jacob gives me his mother’s phone number and address, I don’t see why not.

No problem, Jacob piped up. Do you have some paper so I can write it down for you? He stepped forward with a smile.

Why yes I do. Lacey’s mother handed him an envelope and a pencil. Jacob proceeded to write the information.

Do you want mine too? Sinae asked.

That would be wonderful. Lacey’s mother then handed her an envelope and gave one to Sebastian who had also stepped forward to give the information.

The children quickly exited the house as Lacey’s mother told her what time to be home and kissed her on the forehead.

*    *               *               *    *

Louden looked up at Lacey. So you met them when you were eight?

"Yes. That year, after I started school. I guess I was all alone and my mother had too much to think about with all the bills and things. We were in debt. I didn’t like being alone, and when Sinae said, ‘This is our new friend.’ I guess the feeling of being totally accepted by anyone—it was nice." She smiled to herself.

Didn’t it seem odd to you that you were friends with boys? Most kids at eight don’t hang out with the opposite sex.

I really didn’t think about that. I grew up at a very early age, and anyone who would be nice to me was a friend. She paused and thought about the question. No. I think it was fate. Yes, that’s more true, she finished, as if answering herself. It was fate.

What do you mean by fate? He looked at his notes. Fate is a word that needs backup.

Explanation is needed, I get it. She looked out the window. We all believed it was fate. We all came from broken homes and needed each other. Everything always worked out. We never fought over stupid things, and we always defended each other. Because, whether you believe it or not, we loved each other. She looked at him. She thought he had no idea what she was talking about. He was the fucking enemy.

Obviously you have never loved or been loved that way. So you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. She looked into his eyes and leaned toward him. I almost think by the end of all this, you’ll be the one wishing you were in my shoes and had a life as full as mine. You have probably never even loved yourself.

Louden was caught off guard by her comment. He hadn’t expected her to speak anything so personal to him. It wasn’t one of the normal comments he had heard—unlike the people who would sit before him and tell him they would snap his neck or shoot him when his back was turned. This case would be different; he could already sense it.

That is not what we are here to discuss. We are here to find out the reasons for all the actions that have taken place up till now, and you will answer more and question less.

Yeah. I’m right. Aren’t I? She was looking into his eyes still.

Anything applying to me is impertinent. We are not here to talk about me, he said.

I feel sorry for you. She softened her stare.

When he looked at her again, he could see she truly did feel sorry for him. His anger started to build. He could control himself so well. Why did it feel like she was getting to him? Look, you don’t know me. You don’t know how I feel. You haven’t the vaguest idea about what I have experienced in my life or what it’s like to be me. So let’s not put forth so much effort about me and get back to the reason we are in this room!

Now you know how I feel. Her face reflected the slightest evil grin.

He turned his gaze back to his notepad. When did your parents divorce, and why?

She wanted to spit on him. How was it that she barely knew this man and she wanted him to die? They were divorced when I was six. My dad drank too much, and my mom didn’t want me to grow up around that kind of thing.

Did you miss your father?

Kinda, but not really. He was never around, and I had other things that held my attention.

Louden scratched something down on his notepad and looked back up to her. You have a brother, correct?

Yes. He’s two years older than I, and I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Why haven’t you seen him?

He moved out with dad, and we have had conflicting opinions about who was right and who was wrong, so we don’t bother to talk. Plus I never liked him. He was always mean to me.

Mean to you how?

He called me ugly and stupid and beat me up and stuff like that. He never had one good thing to say to me. Lacey paused and looked out the window. So you tell me: what was the fucking point?

Is it safe to say that after your parents separated you were happier?

Yes. It’s safe to say that.

What about your mother?

What do you mean? Lacey looked back over at him.

Did you get along with her or did you fight a lot? How was that relationship?

We got along okay, but she worked a lot and I didn’t see much of her. I guess you could say that I was kinda abandoned, but it wasn’t her fault. She had to work and feed us and all that. So don’t go writing down that I didn’t love my mom or something stupid like that.

She was never home? He restated as he wrote something down.

No. I was alone a lot. That’s why I clung to Jacob, Sinae, and Sebastian so much. I really didn’t have anything else to cling to.

In essence, they replaced your immediate family because they were around and didn’t hurt you like your own family?

Yes. Isn’t that what I’ve been saying so far?

Louden looked up