And the Lion Smiled at the Rabbit: Manage Emotions to Win

By Rashmi Datt

What caused the downfall of the mighty lion at the hands of a mere rabbit in the much loved story from Panchatantra? Rabbit’s cleverness? Or was it lion’s lack of control over his emotions? What if the lion didn’t let his pride get the better of him? What if the lion’s reaction was more self-assured? Using the age-old craft of storytelling, this evocative and thought-provoking book weaves together modern management theory and practices with the folklore of the Panchatantra and wisdom of Indian philosophy. It gives a fresh perspective with simple and clear solutions to the nagging issues that young professionals face on a daily basis, be it hard negotiations, office politics or never-ending deadlines. Read it so that the lion in you always rules like a king.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wisdom Tree Publishers
• Release date: Feb 21, 2013
• ISBN: 9788183283052

Rashmi Datt

Rashmi Datt, a postgraduate in management from BITS, Pilani, has 19 years of experience in training and HRD. She worked for eight years with Pfizer, Mumbai before starting Dialog, a learning services delivery consultancy. She conducts workshops in India and abroad, focusing on individual and organisational growth and enabling participants to identify and change dysfunctional behaviour patterns -- the way we relate, interact, deal with conflict, or utilise resources.

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‘And the Lion Smiled at the Rabbit brings alive the Art of Intelligent Living in the corporate world, a worthy read for every professional. The book very skilfully and in subtle undertones brings out the fact that there is a big difference in having an emotion and it having you.’

—Harlina Sodhi,

Senior Vice-President,

Learning and Development Leader,

Reliance Industries Limited.

‘Rashmi’s in depth knowledge about human behaviour is extremely strong which has been very well utilised in this book. With expert tips to manage your emotions, the book shows the reader the importance of maintaining an inner balance to reach one’s goals. A must read especially for young professionals.’

—Anand Shukla,

Director HR, Dodsal Group.

‘Rashmi Datt writes masterfully on a topic which is at the core of managers’ success, yet is often sadly relegated to cocktail-like conversations. The need to balance professional excellence with personal restraint comes through this book like a wise knight in shining armour. You will find in these pages many practical solutions to important issues which you face every single day, ranging from meaningful conversations to resolution of conflicts.’

—Harish Bhat,

Chief Operating Officer, Watches,

Titan Industries Limited.

‘People lose a lot of productivity, time and happiness because they do not manage their emotions well. This is a very interesting and intriguing book that takes inspiration from old stories to share how taking responsibility for your own emotions will help you to manage your responses to situations.’

—Aadesh Goyal,

Executive Vice-President and

Global Head, Human Resources,

Tata Communications.

‘This is a book not only for corporate professionals but for anyone who seeks to improve their interpersonal skills and get a better understanding of human emotions and how to manage them. The easy flow of narrative set in the context of Panchatantra stories is nice and easy to read. The examples used are very apt, often from real life situations, and provide a simple framework for the concepts to flow in. I enjoyed reading this very useful book.’

—Manish Sinha,

Director, Human Resources,

Becton Dickinson India Pvt Ltd.

‘This is an excellent read for all those who are just starting their careers. Indian analogies and stories in this book have been skilfully used to provide invaluable lessons in monitoring and regulating emotions, accompanied by simple and practical tips to manage everyday situations.’

—Saikat Bhattacharya,

Senior Vice-President and

Country Head, Human Resources,

Fidelity Business Services India Ltd.

‘With this easy to read and enjoyable book, Rashmi makes us (the readers) pause and reflect deeply in our own lives, relations and ways of being. Each chapter and each fable is an invitation to intense reflection and subsequent resolve to get a better grip on our emotions, to improve our responses to stimuli and circumstances, and thereby improve our relationships and lead an enriching and fulfilling life.’

—Naushad Noorani,

Director, Organization Development,

ACC Limited (HOLCIM Group).

‘The book is an intelligent guide for managing emotions in the workplace, illustrated through captivating fables from Indian folklore. Rashmi Datt thoughtfully weaves together modern management theory with ancient Indian fables in a way that provides useful and memorable insights into human behaviour. A very interesting and worthwhile read.’

—Andy Molinsky,

Ph.D, Harvard University,

Associate Professor of

Organizational Behavior,

Brandeis University (USA).

21/09/2012

© Rashmi Datt, 2012

Illustrations by Rishi Kumar

First published 2012

Names have been changed wherever required to protect identity, while all the incidents are real.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise—without the prior permission of the author and the publisher.

ISBN 978-81-8328-305-2

Published by

Wisdom Tree,

4779/23, Ansari Road,

Darya Ganj, New Delhi-2

Ph.: 23247966/67/68

[e-mail]

Printed in India at Print Perfect

Contents

Preface ix

Self-regulation

1. Why Manage our Emotions? 3

2. Learning to Maintain Internal Balance 18

Self-acceptance and Self-belief

3. Accepting your own Imperfections 39

4. Challenging Negative Thoughts 50

5. Projecting a Confident Image 66

Self-motivation

6. Receiving Praise Without Losing your Balance 87

7. Taking Negative Feedback Gracefully 99

Building Rapport and

Managing Relationships

8. The ART of Winning People 115

9. Handling Difficult Conversations Assertively 132

10. Giving Negative Feedback and Getting Positive Results 47

Handling Conflicts and

Difficult Situations

11. Knowing your Style of Conflict Management 165

12. Mastering Skills and Strategies for Conflict Resolution 79

13. Dealing with Difficult Situations with Flexibility 192

14. Choose your Battles Wisely, Act Boldly 207

Bibliography 224

Preface

In my work in organisation development and corporate training, I meet hundreds of young professionals who are bright, ambitious, anxious to do a good job, and grow. So what is stopping them? They feel obstructed with their selfish colleagues, pressurised by their demanding managers, and stifled by their target driven organisations. I always tell them that they are bound to meet unreasonable people who want to push their agendas. The jealous co-worker, the boss who feels threatened, the political assistant, inconsiderate teammate are all members of a tribe called the ‘real world’.

But you have to develop the dexterity to negotiate your way around these land mines through interpersonal skills, emotional intelligence, executive presence, organisational smarts—whatever you may choose to call it. One common and key ingredient in all of these is the ability to manage our emotions.

The human brain is wired in such a way that the moment it perceives a psychological threat (such as disagreement, conflict, someone getting ahead in the race, or not getting due credit), its ability to reason just shuts down. Emotions such as fear and anger overwhelm us, and we get into a ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ mode. This means we get into tangles of regrettable

AND THE LION SMILED AT THE RABBIT

behaviour and action (or inaction). But introspection and subsequent conscious action can help pave the rough roads of the corporate world.

This book talks about taking charge of our thoughts and emotions so that we respond to situations instead of just reacting to them by silence or violence. It does this through the age-old tradition of storytelling. Using examples of illustrious personalities and leaders, it weaves together modern management theory and practices with the folklore of the Panchatantra and wisdom of Indian philosophy. It provides practical solutions to everyday issues which young professionals face, ranging from meaningful conversations to resolution of conflicts. I have also shared the mistakes I made in my own career, for when I look back, it is clear that most of the time when I stumbled, it was in the area of managing emotions.

I would like to use this opportunity and space to sincerely thank several dear friends and associates who were generous with their time and inputs in the writing of this book:

Dr Sudhir Jain, Director, IIT Gandhinagar for sharing his thoughts and experiences on this subject which fascinates him, who continues his quest to introduce this dimension to young engineers; Dr Ashok Jhunjhunwala, professor at IIT Madras who featured in Business Week’s list of the fifty most powerful people in India in 2009, for his perspectives and comments; Amit Agarwala for wading through every chapter and giving me detailed feedback; Shikha Sharma for her encouragement after the first reading; Ganoba Date for his ever loving advice; Dr Vikas Khera who is very well-read himself on this topic, for his observations and views; the countless participants of my workshops who I have learnt so much from; and many others too many to name, who stepped in whenever I needed a sounding board.

And finally, my deep appreciation to the editorial team at Wisdom Tree for several rounds of rigorous editing, corrections and more corrections in their commitment to excellence:

Jyoti Kumari for the initial editing; Swati Chopra for the relentless smoothening and polishing of the product; Nandini Gupta for the last round of checking for errors and consistency with her unerring eye for detail; and Shobit Arya’s own faultless management of emotions as we went to and fro so many times with the draft and the design of the book.

Self-regulation

Chapter One

.......................

Why Manage our Emotions?

‘When man learns to understand and control his own behaviour as well as he is learning to understand and control the behaviour of crop plants and domestic animals, he may be justified in believing that he has become civilised.’

—Ayn Rand, author.

ears ago, when I started my career, I set out like everyone else to climb the highest mountain and cut through the thickest jungle. A small town girl, I had been made to believe by my middle-class upbringing that the recipe for success was hard work and perseverance. I soon discovered that all the fervour, creativity, technical knowledge and qualifications were not sufficient to pull me through the tangle of human needs and emotions.

Where I floundered was in managing difficult relationships and situations. At the time, it seemed to me that I was a victim of circumstances and in the wrong place at the wrong time, but the real reason was that my own unrecognised emotions and needs were driving my behaviour, and my actions were not wise, rational or far-sighted. It did affect my output, the judgement that was made about my ability

AND THE LION SMILED AT THE RABBIT

to rise in the organisation, and ultimately, my self-confidence and peace of mind.

Luckily for me, these mistakes initiated my journey into the world of understanding and regulating emotions, leading to a successful practice as an organisation development consultant and corporate trainer, helping managers and teams reach their highest potential and creating great organisations in the process.

My First Assignment

I was among a dozen management trainees hired by a large multinational pharmaceutical company. I joined the corporate communications department to head the editorial team of News Capsule, an in-house magazine, with the mandate to overhaul it and give it a new face.

I was fired with ideas on how the sleepy and clichéd magazine could be refurbished. I briskly called for a meeting with the designer, the layout artist and the printer, and explained the new design, graphics, cartoons for humour, and quizzes related to the company in which employees could participate—all oriented towards strategic brand-building for increased visibility.

Nicky, who had handled the job before me, watched from her cubicle but did not say anything. In the beginning, whenever I went to her for information or to access old records, she answered politely enough, but I never quite got what I wanted. Each time, either Nicky was on leave, or busy in a meeting, or could not find the required data, or it had just slipped her mind.

My boss, Subbu, did not seem to care much. He would pass on my work to Nicky, and she would return it to me with her comments, which I resented. Why was she reviewing my work? She was not my boss. I would feel agitated and helpless as I realised that Nicky had no interest in seeing any changes in News Capsule, and Subbu could not care less. I had been foisted upon him, and he was not convinced of my capability to manage the work at hand.

After a point, Nicky and I stopped talking to one another. I battled valiantly and pointlessly for six months. The magazine did get published, but it was months behind schedule. There was positive

5

feedback from employees and senior management about the lively new format. But that satisfaction was short-lived. I soon received Subbu’s six-monthly performance review, which deemed my work ‘unsatisfactory’. I was shocked. I had worked so hard, but could not quite figure out how and why things had gone wrong.

I moved to another department in the company. Nicky resumed charge of News Capsule, and sadly, for me, reverted to its original format. As a result, after the first issue, the wonderful creative work I had done was discarded forever.

Could I have dealt with the situation differently?

Are there some lessons in this for all of us who get stuck in situations where others appear to be sabotaging us?

The reality is that often, we are blocking and hindering ourselves, and the outcome of every situation depends more on us and our reactions than we realise.

Governed by Impulses

Vivek Gour, CEO of an aviation engineering company, is a leader in the Indian aviation industry. He shares this incident from early on in his career.

‘Today, I see quite clearly that many of my early mistakes could have been avoided had I realised the importance of regulating emotional impulses—that is the source of the biggest problem for all of us. If I had to tackle the same problems today, I would handle them differently.

‘As a youngster, I found myself at loggerheads with Ravinder Arora, a senior colleague. We disbursed truck finance loans and as marketing managers, had our own territories and targets. Ravinder was fifteen years older than I, and well established in the organisation and in the business. Because of his seniority, he had the additional administrative authority to approve our minor expense bills. For various reasons, he and I did not hit off. He would not release petty reimbursements due to me on some pretext or the other.

‘When I look back, it is clear to me that I got bogged down by my antagonism and resentment for Ravinder. I could have chosen not to react to the provocation he presented, but I let my blood boil.

AND THE LION SMILED AT THE RABBIT

I jumped right into the fray—writing angry memos demanding his attention, insisting on a quick settlement, finding other ways to get back. The memo exchange was silly because we sat practically next to each other.

‘Looking at it logically, it was foolhardy to escalate the conflict as there was no getting away from the fact that we had to work together. In fact, if I were to look at the situation from Ravinder’s point of view, it was but natural that he felt threatened, poor fellow, by my brash behaviour.

‘Had I kept my balance, I might have viewed the situation as a challenge—how to win him over, instead of positioning him as my enemy. I could have found opportunities to praise him, in team meetings and also behind his back. In everybody, if you look hard enough, you can find something to appreciate. Once you do that, battle lines get erased.’

Response versus Reaction

Swami Dayananda Saraswati, a distinguished teacher of Vedanta, says, ‘If I fail to choose my actions consciously and deliberately, but simply let them happen, they will be reactions, either impulsive reactions born of instincts, or mechanical reactions born of conditioning. In either case I have not exercised that special faculty that makes me human, namely choice of action based on rational thought.’

A reaction is born from an uncontrolled impulse, while a response is a thought out, wise, logical, and measured reply to a situation. In both the above examples, unexamined emotions drove inappropriate behaviours. While revamping the magazine, my anxiety to prove my own worth was so immense that I failed to realise that to execute my ideas successfully, I required Nicky’s support, for which I could have consulted her, cajoled her, and given her due credit. But I ignored her feelings, and reacted by trying to be the lone rider galloping to success before sundown.

In Gour’s example, his anger made him react by wanting to hit back at his tormenter, and he could not see that he could opt for wiser responses.

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The question is, why does the reasoning brain get overtaken by the impulsive brain? What role do thoughts and emotions play in this process? Do emotions block our ability to access the logical brain? And can they be regulated?

This book is about choosing our actions consciously and deliberately, based on rational thought. When faced with a difficulty or an obstacle, we need to:

Recognise that an impulsive reaction can lead to irrational, even destructive action, which will not take us towards our goals.

Identify which emotions are driving us.

Learn ways to disentangle ourselves from the grip of these emotions.

Access our good judgement, sanity and wisdom to ask ourselves the wisest objective to pursue, and what we need to do in order to reach there.

Mastering our Impulses

About forty years ago, a psychologist at Stanford University, USA, conducted the famous Marshmallow Studies on 353 children who were four to six years old. Each child was led into a room and asked to pick a treat from a tray laden with marshmallows, chocolate sticks, and Oreo cookies. One researcher then made a sweet but torturous offer—the child could either eat one marshmallow (or any other treat) right away, or, if the child was willing to wait while he stepped out for a few minutes, he or she could have two marshmallows when he returned. Then he left the room for fifteen minutes.

Can you imagine the agony of resisting the temptingly laid out sweets? Video footage of these experiments is poignant, as the kids struggle to delay gratification for just a little bit longer. Some children grabbed the treat the minute the researcher was out of the door. Some lasted a few minutes before giving in. One neat-looking little boy checked carefully that he was not being watched. Then, he picked up an Oreo cookie, pulled the two parts apart, and licked off the cream filling before returning the cookie to the tray. But about a third of the children waited out those fifteen minutes with determination. Some covered their eyes with their hands, or turned around so they could

AND THE LION SMILED AT THE RABBIT

not see the tray. Others started kicking the desk, or tugged on their pigtails, or touched the marshmallows longingly.

Walter Mischel, the professor of psychology in charge of the experiment, sent out a questionnaire twenty years later to all reachable parents, teachers, and academic advisers of the subjects who were by then in university or in the early stages of their careers. He asked about every trait he could think of, from the capacity of the subjects to plan and think ahead to their ability to cope with problems and get along with their peers. He also requested for their Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) scores.

Mischel noted that the children who could not last the wait had higher instances of behavioural problems, both in school and at home. They were more likely to be lonely, easily frustrated, and stubborn. They collapsed under stress and avoided challenges. The child who could ‘wait for the second marshmallow’ grew up to be better adjusted, more popular, adventurous, confident and dependable. Further, their academic performance was better—the children who held out longer had higher SAT scores.

The ability to resist the impulse of popping the marshmallow into the mouth—postponing satisfaction of an immediate need—is a supreme skill, a triumph of the logical part of the brain over the impulsive one. The urge from the self which craves and thirsts for need fulfillment is strong and difficult to resist. When sense wins over urge, it is a sign, in short, of emotional intelligence, which may not necessarily go hand in hand with a high IQ. That is why the child who scored the highest in school may not necessarily be the most successful or best adjusted later in life.

In the course of navigating our day, many different urges pop up which require self-regulation. They can range from obvious ones like the need to have another cigarette, or a second slice