Damaged: Satan's Rebels MC Series, #4

By Kira Johns

When the love of your life belongs to someone else, how do you move forward? For Shadow it's not so easy. Finding Paige was a godsend and with her help, he is beginning to love again. Paige wants nothing more than to hear those three magical words from Shadow, but until she can share his heart with another woman, it will never work. She has lost so much in her past and refuses to let Jade steal yet another man from her. 

Spike knows all about loss. He's lived it and knows he will never find another love again like he shared with Greta. Until Jenna walks into his life. What began as friendship develops into more, but Jenna's past keeps her from moving forward. 

Tank isn't looking for love. He's content with life and the club. With the threat of The Skulls, he makes a decision that could change everything. Britt enters The Satan's Rebels world to accomplish one goal, only to meet a man that she desires more than anything. 

“The truth is that we all are a little damaged. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.”

WARNING: This book contains graphic content including violence, sex and graphic language. This is the fourth book in the Satan's Rebels MC Series and is NOT a standalone novel.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kira Johns
• Release date: Feb 28, 2015
• ISBN: 9781507062678

Kira Johns

Kira Johns was born and raised in the southeastern part of the United States. During the day, she works as a Paralegal in the Criminal Defense field, but also has a background in law enforcement and spent many years prior to that tending bar. She is happily married and has two wonderful children, all of who are supportive of her writing. Kira Johns is a huge supporter of Feathered Friends Forever, a non-profit tropical parrot rescue located in Harlem, GA. She donates a portion of all her sales to the rescue. When she's not working or writing, she enjoys spending her free time in the great outdoors. The beach, the mountains - it doesn't matter as long as there are sights to be seen, whether on the back of a motorcycle or on a boat. Competition shooting is another of her passions, with the entire family joining in.

Book preview

First Edition, February 2015

Copyright © 2015 by

Kira Johns

All rights reserved. In accordance with the United States Copyright Act of 1976, any electronic sharing of any part of this book without the express written consent of the publisher or author constitutes unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from this book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [e-mail]. Thank you for supporting this author’s rights.

FBI Anti-Piracy Warning:

The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of a copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to five years in prison and a fine of $250,000.00.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Due to explicit language, acts of violence and sexual content, this book should not be purchased by readers under the age of 18.

This book is NOT a standalone and is a continuation of Books 1-3 in the Satan’s Rebels MC Series.

Cover by Nikki Heart. Stock photo © Shutterstock.com

Section One

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want doesn’t mean they don’t love you with everything that they have.

Chapter One

Paige

I sit on the sofa, staring at the wall, unmoving. Today is the day I have been waiting for impatiently, and yet I’m sitting here feeling like my world is coming to an end. The reason is simple and no matter how much I try to deny it, the truth is I know what I will witness today.

I can already picture Jade walking down the aisle, her arm linked with Shadow’s. His eyes will be filled with so much emotion - love and happiness mixed with pain and despair. Today, Jade will become Viper’s wife. It should bring me some relief in knowing that, but it doesn’t. I’ve seen the two of them together and even a complete stranger can tell that the two are madly in love, but it doesn’t change the fact that Shadow is still in love with her.

What does she have that I don’t? It’s the same question I ask myself day in and day out. The answer is perfectly clear. She is everything I’m not. She’s gorgeous, with her long almost raven colored hair that falls in soft curls to frame her flawless face. Having two children has done nothing to her figure. From the photographs I’ve seen, she’s just as fit as she was back when she and Shadow were growing up. I’m not saying I’m unattractive, quite the opposite actually. I know I am pretty, but I will never be on the pedestal Shadow, Viper and every other man in the club has put Jade on.

And it pisses me the fuck off!

Paige? Jenna calls out to me as she steps into the living room. Why aren’t you dressed yet? We have to leave in thirty minutes. She comes to stand in front of me, a deep frown on her face.

I don't know if I’m going, I tell her, turning my head to the side. Jenna is my best friend and confidante. We’ve been through hell together. She knows more about me than anyone, but this isn’t something I want her to know. It’s bad enough that Shadow sees that I am jealous, no matter how hard I try to hide it from him, and I don’t want Jenna seeing this side of me.

What do you mean you’re not going? she scowls.

Just what I said, I tell her, my tone colder than I intended. I don’t feel well, I say, standing. Pushing past her, I stalk towards my room, wanting to be left alone but I should know Jenna won’t let it be. She follows behind me, her heels clacking on the hardwood floor.

You’re a lousy liar, she says from the doorway, crossing her arms over her chest.

Jenna, please just let it go. I just don’t feel like going anywhere today. I sit on my bed, my back to her so I don't have to see the look I know is on her face, but more so that she doesn’t see mine.

So what do you want me to tell Shadow? Paige is pouting so she decided to stay home and sulk. You need to suck it up and get over your jealousy. Jade has never done anything to deserve this. She’s gone out of her way for both of us.

I clench my teeth tightly together, fighting the urge to tell Jenna exactly what I think of Jade. She is right, Jade has never intentionally hurt me and I do consider her a friend, but I can’t get past this and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this isn’t the first time she’s come between me and the man I love.

He’s not gonna notice I'm missing, I mutter.

You don’t see me moping around because Spike and Jade are friends, do you?

I know she’s trying to make a point, and it’s a valid one, but Spike and Jade don’t have the history that she and Shadow share. They were never in love and they damn sure didn’t have a child together.

Is that what this is about? She’s marrying Viper today! Everyone knows those two are madly in love. What went on with Shadow and Jade is in the past, she says, sitting down beside me.

Is it? I ask, turning to my best friend needing her reassurance. Deep down I know the answer, but the insecure side of me needs to hear the words.

How can you even ask that? Jade isn’t like that! We’ve both known her long enough to know she wouldn’t be marrying Viper if she still had feelings for Shadow.

I let out a rushed breath, her words calming me. Nodding my head, I rise from my bed. You’re right. I’m just overreacting.

Of course I’m right, she says, broadly smiling at me. You know, maybe you should just talk to Jade about it. She might be able to ease your mind.

Maybe, I tell her even though I have no intention of saying a word. This was something I would keep buried inside, just like everything else. I better get dressed so we’re not late.

Alright, she says as she stands. Who knows, maybe one day soon it will be you and Shadow walking down the aisle.

Or maybe it’ll be you and Spike, I say, raising my brow. The two of them definitely have chemistry, even though they both swear they are only friends.

Her smile fades as she lowers her eyes. He’d never want someone like me, she mutters.

One of the many things I admire about Jenna is her modesty. She doesn’t see herself the way of the rest of the world does. He’d be lucky to have someone like you.

You’re just saying that because you’re my friend. No one wants a damaged soul, especially someone like Spike.

I know very little about Spike other than he lost someone very close to him and had never been the same. I know all too well what it’s like to lose someone that means the world to you and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Everyone deserves some happiness in their life, especially Jenna, and I think Spike is the man to give her that. Never say never, I remind her before heading towards the closet and pulling out my bridesmaid dress.

Chapter Two

Shadow

Jade Moore, the woman I fell in love with so many years ago. The one person in this world I never imagined I would lose. I have always depended on her ever since I met her the very first day I arrived at this compound. She became not only my best friend, but over the years I fell in love with her. She consumes my thoughts and is someone I cannot live without. I need her to be a part of my life.

I can still picture her running around this very same yard, her dark brown hair pulled up in pigtails. She was perfect, even back then.

Found you! Jade shouts as she jumps on my back, tackling me to the ground. Mama made some chocolate chip cookies and I brought you some, she says as she rolls off of my back and lays back in the damp grass.

Cool, I respond. Jade’s mom makes the best cookies.

Will you play with me? Jade asks as she sits upright, looking over at me with those big green eyes.

What do you want to play? I ask, already knowing the answer. It’s always the same with her.

Hide and seek, silly. Her giggle echoes through the abandoned yard.

Sure, I say, shrugging. I never mind playing with Jade. She's my only friend since we moved here. She’s also the only kid close to my age that comes around the compound. Most of the other kids only show up on special occasions.

Yay! I get to hide first! she says, jumping to her feet.

Alright, but this time you can’t hit me when I find you. Jade doesn't hit like the other girls and the last time we played this game, she left a bruise on my arm the size of a softball.

Then don’t cheat! she orders.

I don’t cheat, I tell her. She is just lousy at hiding. Jade always hides in the same three places, so it’s always easy to find her.

Closing my eyes, I begin to count aloud. I can hear her running towards the garage and know she’s going to hide under dad’s Chevelle again. I’ll play her little game this time and not go straight there, but only because I don't want her to punch me again.

Ready or not, here I come! I shout out before heading towards the back of the compound. I’ll wander around the yard pretending to look for her for ten or fifteen minutes tops, and then it’ll be my turn.

I smile broadly as I think back to those days. There is barely a memorable moment in my life that she hasn’t been a part of. Part of me feels like this day will put an end to all of that.

Not so long ago, I had imagined this very moment. The day that I would see her dressed in all white, walking down the aisle. Only in my dreams, I was the one waiting at the altar, not the person giving her away. I’d be lying if I said it didn't hurt that she is marrying Viper and not me. It’s not that Viper’s a bad man. In fact, he’s a great guy and he loves Jade with every fiber of his being. It doesn't make this day any easier though.

You were the one who wanted this, I remind myself. I was the one to end our relationship, to let her go. I know it was the right decision for her and for me too, even though it doesn't look that way now. She is happier with Viper than she ever was with me, and he loves her more than anything. This is her fairy tale ending and no one deserves it more than her.

And by letting Jade go, I met Paige. She was there for me that very first night when I said my parting words to Jade and she began filling the void in my heart that Jade had left. I had been torn when we first got together, afraid that she was nothing more than a rebound fuck. In the beginning she had been just that, but over time I started to develop feelings for her. What those feelings are exactly I’m not sure, but I hope she is more than a temporary thing in my life.

Making my way inside and then upstairs, I pause outside of Jade’s old room. This is it. I am about to say goodbye to the love of my life forever, at least in the romantic sense. I just hope that I’m not going to lose the best friend I have come to depend on over the years.

Taking in a deep breath, I quickly knock on the door before I enter the room, my eyes landing on the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. She looks exactly as I pictured her in my dreams.

You look gorgeous, I tell her, taking in the sight of her looking even more perfect than I thought was possible.

Thank you, she whispers, looking down to hide the blush that creeps up her cheeks.

I always envisioned what you would look like on your wedding day. I just never imagined I would be the one giving you away, I say smiling down at her.

Shadow, don’t...

I know what she’s thinking, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Seeing her this way, I feel confident that my decision was the right one. Gone is any regret I previously had. My heart swells for her. This is her day and she looks like a damn princess. Everyone’s waiting for the bride. You ready to do this? I ask, seeing the nervousness in her posture. I know she’s not nervous about marrying Viper, but she is uneasy about the ceremony. She’s been fretting over it for weeks.

I’ve never been more ready in my life, she says smiling up at me. Grasping her hand in mine, I lead her out of the room and down the stairs to where her destiny awaits.

***

Gazing across the yard, my eyes land on her immediately. Her gaze is locked on me as I hold Jade in my arms. I try to silently reassure her, but I know it’s no use. She doesn’t get it and maybe she never will.

Meeting Paige was a godsend. When we were introduced, I was instantly attracted to her physically. I quickly learned that she is a beautiful person, both inside and out. Her heart is immense and she has taken to both Bethany and I as if we have always been in her life. The biggest issue is and always will be Jade. Don't get me wrong, Paige likes Jade. They were friends before Paige and I ever met, but she cannot understand the friendship Jade and I share. I see the jealousy in her eyes when I am with Jade, and I don’t want to hurt her, but Jade is someone I will never let go of. Not even for her. That may make me a cold hearted bastard, but I've been called worse.

Jade presses her cheek against my chest, bringing my focus to her. You look beautiful today, I murmur, causing her to look up at me.

You said that already, she giggles, blushing. Thank you for giving me away.

It was an honor. You look happier than I have ever seen you.

I am, she says, smiling up at me. And you made this happen. If you hadn’t...

Don’t Jade, I say, quieting her. I know you well enough to know that if I hadn't stepped aside, you would be miserable at this very moment. You wouldn’t have made the choice. Now look at you. I just had the pleasure of giving away my best friend to the man that captured her heart.

I love you, Shadow, she whispers, placing her head on my chest once again.

And I love you, Jade. Always have and always will.

I hold her tightly to me, relishing in the feel of her body so close to mine. Will this feeling ever go away or will she always have this effect on me? In a way I, hope it never changes. Jade has made me the person I am today and having her be a part of my life is the best thing to ever happen to me. Life couldn't get any better. I have Jade, my daughter, the club, and now Paige.

I’m not sure where things are headed for us, but I know true love always prevails in the end. I have witnessed it firsthand. The question is, can Paige be what I need her to be? She definitely isn’t just a body to keep my bed warm at night until the next woman comes along. There is something about her, something that tells me she will be a part of my life for a very long time if I don't fuck it all up like I’ve done so many times in the past.

Chapter Three

Paige

You can’t keep your eyes off her, I say, coming to stand beside Viper. Never have I witnessed a man like him before. He is every girl’s fantasy, with his dark lustrous hair that could almost be mistaken for black. His gray eyes, which almost bore into your soul, give him that cold-blooded killer look, but when his eyes land on Jade they soften, and you can only see love and admiration reflected in them. He is gorgeous in every single way, vicious in every sense of the word, yet intelligent and caring. Above everything, he has become my friend.

Never have been able to, he admits, his eyes still affixed on her.

What I wouldn't give for Shadow to look at me the same way. I feel like a horrible person, after six years I am still jealous of her. She has two incredible men in her life that would do anything for her. Where does that leave me?

They look so comfortable together, I say, looking out at the two of them dancing in one another’s arms. Does it ever bother you? The way they are together?

He finally tears his eyes from her, looking over at me with compassion. I know what you see when you look at the two of them. You see a man that loves a woman unconditionally and a woman that feels the same way for him. The two of them share a bond that you may never fully understand.

That is an understatement. Shadow and I aren’t officially in a relationship, and neither of us have uttered the L word, but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I am in love with him.

I know only what they have shared. That she and Shadow grew up together and have always been best friends. They were attracted to one another, but neither of them acted on it until later in life. And they have a child together, I pause, trying to keep my composure. I have spent many nights crying over Shadow and I am not about to let out those emotions in front of Viper. I guess I don't see how I fit into this picture.

Paige, I can understand your concern, but there really is no need. Yes, Shadow and Jade love each other and no one will ever change that. She was his first love just as he was hers, he says, his arctic gray eyes boring into mine.

How can you be so nonchalant about it? I feel like an awful person for being this way, I say, lowering my gaze to the ground. I know I shouldn't be jealous of something that started long before I came into the picture, but I am envious of what Jade has. She has everything and I am just another whore keeping Shadow’s bed warm, at least until the next one comes along. But I want more with him.

I trust them. I’ve known Shadow and Jade for a long time, and neither of them has given me reason not to trust them. He pauses for a moment before continuing. What Jade and Shadow share is something most people can’t understand, let alone embrace.

But you did. And for the life of me I don’t understand how.

You’re right.  I knew how important Shadow was to her from the beginning. It was never a secret. There are only a few people in Jade’s life that she has been able to depend on, and Shadow is one of them. Being jealous of their relationship would do me no good. I know she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and that is all that matters. Trying to change her feelings for him would be useless and selfish on my part. I wouldn’t do that to her because I love her that much. Shadow has always been upfront about his feelings for Jade, with you and me both. It’s up to you to decide if you love Shadow enough to share his heart with someone else.

I am silent for several moments, taking in everything he has said. I don’t want to share Shadow with anyone, but I’ll never tell anyone that. Sometimes I worry that I won’t be enough for him. I see the way he looks at her, and I wonder if he will ever look at me that way.

That’s the thing Paige, you’re looking at this from one side. Yes, I do see the way Shadow and Jade look at one another. I also see the way Jade looks at me and the way Shadow looks at you. Trust me, there’s a difference.

I just...

Shadow loves you and you love him. You may not have said the words to one another, but its fact. And Jade is happy for both of you. Believe it or not, she cares about you and wants you and Shadow to have what we have. And from the looks of things, I think you two are well on your way. he says before turning towards Jade and Shadow as they approach.

Shadow’s eyes are locked on me. I know he sees the pained expression on my face as he walks hand in hand with her. I have done my best at hiding the hurt, but I know he sees right through it. He’s not even sympathetic towards me. He feels I should get over it, which is easy for him to say. If the tables were turned, he would feel differently.

As he stops in front of us, he releases his hold on Jade’s hand, passing her to Viper. He comes to stand beside me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. Instantly I am flooded with relief. You OK, angel?

Yeah, I’m good, I say, smiling up at him. Why don't we let the newlyweds have some time to themselves? I try to pull him away, but he stands firm, not budging.

I stand by, saying nothing, as the three of them talk as if I don’t exist. This is how it always is. When Jade is present, I become invisible. Why am I being this way? Jade is my friend, I remind myself for the hundredth time.

My mind wanders to the time when I was at The Streamline and first showed interest in Shadow.

So if it’s not Viper you have an eye on, who is it? she asks, leaning forward.

Shadow, I reply hesitantly. I’m not sure how she is going to react. I know you two have a history and I wouldn't want to cause any hard feelings.

There wouldn't be. Shadow and I are just friends, she says nonchalantly.

Yeah, but you do have a daughter together. I wouldn't want you to think I was taking him away from you or her.

That wouldn't happen no matter who was in the picture, she says, her eyes crossing the room and