Disposable Lives

By Kellie Pownall

Marley's sass and tenacity gets her through life as she leaps from one thing to another, letting whims, fancies and her attraction to men guide her rather than forging her own path. Running with the boys affords her the challenge of competing with them and knowing them intimately but it becomes complicated when Marley falls for Travis. She's seen as a guy's friend not his girlfriend.
Travis is a lone wolf, letting the day begin as a mystery and having it end in drunken and drugged bliss. Forever floating through his days rather than pursuing any goal or dream he may once have had. He's interesting to Marley but hard to nail down.
Marley runs a marijuana grow operation and so does Travis. He's also her broker.
They're both mapless souls living on the fringe, educated but running their own drug businesses and hiding from the pressure of having to achieve. Together they make it alright for the other not to want more. The problem is Marley wants more.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kellie Pownall
• Release date: Jan 25, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310866586

Kellie Pownall

KELLIE POWNALL is the mother of two small children and this is her first novel.Kellie operates her own event and stock photography website along with producing a website and blog about the life of her daughter, who is suffering a rare neurological disorder. Twice a year she works with her local retirement village producing video of their concerts as a way of community service.Burning the rice routinely and having a small issue with OCD are her biggest personal challenges. Although you'd think one would help eliminate the other?When Kellie is not writing she can be found in the vegetable garden or on the back of a motorbike, relaxing.

Book preview

DISPOSABLE LIVES

By Kellie Pownall

∞

Copyright 2014 Kellie Pownall

Smashwords Edition

Many thanks to the bottom feeders who let me swim amongst you.

N. Murray 15.3.72 consider the debt settled.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

ABOUT KELLIE POWNALL

CONNECT WITH KELLIE POWNALL

JULY

I wake late after getting to bed around 3am. I can tell it’s late because today’s production of ‘Dancing Leaf Shadows’ starring The Sun is high up on my wall. I have to crane my neck to see it. My muscles feel stiff and I lie there for a long time staring at the wall refusing to look at the clock. I’ve got errands that I don’t want to do so I’m delaying the inevitable until the last possible moment. The problem is I’m tired but no longer sleepy and I feel a headache coming on. I sit up and try to straighten the duvet. I pull it and after a small fight it slides right back to where it was.

What the hell?

I’m so pissed off I punch the pillow a few times and then feeling stupid I tell myself I was just making it puffy. I settle my head back into my now puffy pillow but it doesn’t help. I'm cranky. Reaching for the side table I give my newest Patricia Cornwell novel a look. I'm only fifteen pages in and I read those pages last week so I have very little idea of what's happening? I'm keen but struggling and I read the same three lines for the third time. I can't concentrate. Fuck! I’m so spacey! I slam the book shut. I still don’t know what those stupid lines are? I throw the book at the wall and my arms move quickly as it bounces straight back, just missing the bed. I’m a blocker. There are those people who want to see whatever is coming at them and try to dodge it. Me? I just put my arms up to protect my head and hope if something hits me, it bounces away just as quickly.

I flip the pillow to the cool side and roll onto my stomach banging my fists into it while I shake my head back and forth in a childish fit, hoping at the very least to exhaust myself back to sleep. It doesn’t work. I flop back onto the pillow and feel even more stupid, so I get up. I run through a quick shower to wake me up. Pulling my blue cotton dress over my head I dig around under the bed for my matching navy flip-flops. I apply black mascara to my few eyelashes and let my wet hair hang dry. Throwing on my faithful old beige cardigan, light enough for a warmer day and warm enough for a cool evening, I snatch my cell phone off the counter and slip it into my pocket. The minute I grab my keys and without warning, thirty-four kilograms of dog scrambles past me to the front door, tail wagging so excitedly in anticipation of a car ride to adventure, that it keeps hitting the wall. Thud. Thud. Thud.

Okay. I'm coming ya big bear!

Jasper pushes past me and waits at the car door. He climbs into the backseat and begins whining for a walk from the minute he gets in the car. It's annoying but part of the routine. He’s a big loveable Golden Retriever so it’s hard to deny him, especially as he slobbers down my back. I rub his soft muzzle. He’s a gentle giant and if he barks it's in excitement not aggression, but as he’s barreling towards others that’s not immediately apparent. Only his size and speed are.

I pull the Subaru up hard in the parking lot, stones flicking everywhere and the minute I open the car door Jasper leaps out pushing past me again. My phone beeps in my pocket. Shit! Who's that? Even with my sunglasses on it feels bright out and I cover my eyes with my hand like a hat brim and scan the heavily treed trail for the dog, grabbing his leash and clipping it around my neck.

Hey Jas… I call after him but he’s on a mission.

Pulling my phone from my pocket I can see that I have voicemail? Did it even ring? I hate that. The reception here sucks. I look around for Jasper and fumble with my phone. He’s hunched over crapping in the woods behind me. He must have been holding it for a while.

Sorry buddy! I wave at him as he squints his way through the motion.

I feel guilty. It’s late in the day for him. It's after noon. I throw my keys in my pocket and call my voicemail. As I look up again Jasper snaps off a log and steam rises from where his bum once hovered. He leaps up again sniffing and running.

Jasper, come here buddy I wave him over as I play the new message back.

What? Yeah, I’ll have another, cheers! (muffled sounds and scratching) Oh! Hey Marley, it’s Travis yeah? Uhh… yeah… what’s it been, like a year? For sure we should get together for a beer and a gab! Call me back eh! I’ve got some time left on the phone, right? A lot's happened since I last saw you. (sniffs loudly) Funny now but it was drama a few weeks back. I was in an accident, eh? (laughs) I mean I’m okay. Now. But it’s been really stressful an’ the lads are givin’ me trouble, you know… (his voice trails off and he laughs a little more) Anyway, I’ll fill ya in over a pint. Gi’mme a shout."

I save the message in my voicemail and play it over and over until I’m sure I heard every pause and inflection, bathing in his Scottish accent. I smile to myself. He called me back. Jasper and I hike around the Estuary trails all afternoon taking photographs. In the reeds, along the railway tracks and amongst the marsh he poses and I shoot it. It’s been this way since he was a puppy. He’s the perfect addition to the many beautiful backdrops we see out hiking because he looks good. He makes no complaint. He listens and doesn’t ask for anything in return. Lucky for me the walk is his reward.

We get home after 7pm and I throw my keys on the hallstand and lock the front door behind me. Sitting at the computer I download the photos and while I wait I accidentally polish off half a bag of Skittles by holding the bag up and pouring them into my mouth. There're so many in there I have to chew slowly as I flick through the photos or I'll dribble. I'm not happy, the photos are good but there’s nothing outstanding. Ugh! I shouldn't have put so many skittles in my mouth my jaw hurts.

Grabbing a glass of white wine I check my emails and get stuck at the computer by randomly reading something from a Life Coaching company. They're trying to sell a course in becoming a Life Coach. But why? If I could coach someone else, my own life wouldn't be so fucked up!

I'm starving after our hike and I soak a whole garlic head in olive oil and roast it in the oven. I roll what’s left of the goat’s cheese in poppy seeds and seek out crackers. I look at the clock. Shit! It’s after 9pm and I still have work to do tonight. I find an open box of Ritz Crackers at the back of the cupboard and even though they’re borderline stale, once I get some garlic and goat cheese on them I can’t tell the difference. It’s my first meal of the day and I’m so hungry that I can barely taste the food, shoveling cracker after cracker into my mouth. Warm garlic with cheese usually makes me happy but the nag of work has me tense and I know I won’t be able to rest until it’s done.

I put my wine down and roll up a joint sitting on the back patio to smoke it. It'll help ease the stomachache that’s developing and I’m happy for the moment to relax and burn out before the work begins. The air is warm and I stare out in front of me at the night sky twinkling with stars. I could spend hours dreaming into it. I make silent wishes and blow them up to the stars just in case someone is listening.

Come on universe hear my pleas. I whisper to the darkness.

Exhaling slowly a stream of blue smoke leaves my lungs and fills the air in front of my face. I must look like one of the chimneystacks at the mill across Howe Sound at night. All twinkly and pretty to look at but you know it’s dirty and stinky inside. I don't want to think about what all this smoking is doing to my body and I flick the butt into the metal bucket beside me. Peeling off my cardigan I head downstairs to the grow room. I've got all of the marijuana plants on the same day watering cycle no matter their stage of growth so I don't have to water every day, but it’s still a tedious job. It takes me two hours to water them all. Not bad work hours for a day's work but those hours change as soon as it's time to harvest.

I water each plant by hand to allow the water to seep slowly into the soil. And if they’ve gotten a little too dry like they are tonight, it’s particularly important to stagnate the watering otherwise it will run straight out of the pots and onto the floor. That means a big mess to clean up. Not to mention the fact that 150 plants will need to be watered again too soon because they’ve absorbed very little. Always trying to reduce my workload I methodically make my way around the room working under one light at a time. I fill a four-gallon bucket with water from the hose and pour two cups into each pot. Working roughly thirty plants at a time I make two to three passes depending on the plants moisture level to begin with. The lights are hot above my head making me sweat and I’ve been unlucky enough to burn myself twice, once on the side of the head and once on my shoulder. They’re superficial burns but it still pisses me off that I was too stoned to notice how close I was to the 1000watt bulbs. Unfortunately ducking in and out around plants and under lights becomes the norm in a grow room because moving things can be such a mammoth task. Everything is tucked in tightly because everyone is trying for maximum yield and fans and filters are strapped in and bolted down. A few burns and even the odd minor electrocution were to be expected. Everyone who grew had a story.

Watering the last few plants always takes the longest, because even though the end is in sight you know you still have to refill the bucket and hit those last fifteen plants one last time. I shake my head and wonder for the second time this week what I’m doing? Why am I doing this tedious and repetitive work? Nothing comes to mind. Absolutely nothing. I'm blank. I pour the last of the water into a few lucky pots and then carry the bucket and the watering cups out of the room into the hall. I’ll need the bucket to mix soil in sometime in the next few days.

It’s late, my arms hurt, I’m tired and I can feel I’m getting cranky. I head upstairs to get Jasper from the yard. It’s 1.27am and the air is cooler than I expected. I grab a light blanket from the back of the couch and wrap it around my shoulders as I sit on Jaspers dirty doggy couch on the deck, smoking a joint and throwing the stick for him. I’m whispering trying not to make much noise.

Good boy. Go back Jasper. Go back.

I worry the whispering makes it worse. Are people more inclined to listen to an abnormal noise rather than a loud person calling their dog? A whisper could raise suspicion and heighten the senses and awareness. It would for me. I use my best ‘normal tone’ and act my way inside imagining I’m being watched.

Okay come on Jasper, let’s go inside.

Drawing attention to us makes me uncomfortable and the dog keeps searching for his stick.

Hurry up bloody dog! I whisper, wanting to go to bed.

He looks good! Real good. Sexy! Disheveled but still sexy. My heart beats faster and I feel my face flush as he smiles at me while I walk towards him. I have to look away. I have to be cool. It’s been a year since we last saw each other and Travis looks every bit as attractive and interesting to me as he always was. A little older, a little wiser, new wrinkles and some sunspots and I know I’ve seen these clothes before but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s here and I’m definitely not disappointed.

Hey!

Hi I beam.

We share a hug.

Sorry. Been waiting long?

Nah I just got here. Great timing as always Marley.

Travis pushes me towards a corner table on the tiny patio. We're at one of his many haunts, Sardine Can, a little Tapas bar in Gastown. He nods at the server and holds up two fingers ordering beers.

Can I grab a water too? I yell after her.

Without looking back she throws her hand air in acknowledgement. I ask for a glass of water because I have to pace myself. No one can keep up with Travis! Well Sean can, but then no one wants that guy to get to blackout so he rarely gets invited anywhere.

Lookin’ good Marley he smiles at me, looking me up and down.

I can’t help but laugh at the way he says it and I blush unable to stop it.

You too. Here's cheers!

He laughs because he knows doesn’t and we both know he’s just rolled out of bed somewhere. Chinking our Pale Ale's together, we both take a big swig and I sit back enjoying the sun on my face. My sunglasses blocking the blinding light.

So what’cha been doing since I saw you last?

He checks out some girl wandering by the bar while I wait for an answer.

Ya know. Same old thing.

He shrugs and I nod looking at the girl. Who would fuck a girl that wore purple Dr Marten’s lace-ups in this day and age? Besides she looks like she just got off a school bus.

Right, Right. Sex, drugs and a fair amount of time spent in the bar.

I lean in and wink, flirting, threatened by the younger girl.

Sounds about right he laughs, But you forgot I do take care of my body in other ways.

Sorry I forgot. That’s right, you run to sweat out all the naughtiness.

He finishes the last third of his beer and signals to the server who’s leaning on the bar looking at her nails. When she took our order I’d noticed that they were short and chewed with worn blue polish. Maybe she's looking for her next snack?

Travis taps the table in front of my glass and I look at it.

You want another one?

I shake my head no. I’m already feeling a bit light headed.

You sure? he's confused.

I look at Travis with his cheap sunglasses on, sitting back in the chair full of confidence. He’s so casual. I love it.

Oh a water would be good.

He nods and sits back stretching his arms behind his head. His biceps are tight.

You wanna bounce after this one then?

Sure. Where’ya thinking?

He looks at his watch.

I gotta meet up with a guy at The Cambie around 9pm so there’s another bar between here and there. How ‘bout we walk down to this other little place I know and grab a bite first?

I look around me at where we are and stare at Travis confused.

They have better food there but the beer's cheap here! he laughs.

Oh well then that sounds good. I could eat I shrug.

I’m not hungry. But these days I never am. I always feel a little sick. Like I might vomit. I’m weak and tired too. I figure its most likely alcohol and stress but I notice the less I eat the less I want to. I finish what’s left of the beer in my glass and tilt my head sideways studying him. Something’s different? His sideburns are pretty shaggy and he looks thinner than I remember, but I think it’s less about how he looks and more about the way he is. It could be that he’s aged and matured? Or it could be that something has actually changed in his life? I’m struggling to work it out.

It’s after sunset and drizzling out and the ground is already quite wet as we run up to the side door of The Cambie. My arms are out from my sides at the ready and I’m taking little steps being careful not to slip over. I've been drinking and I'm bad on my feet sober. I feel like a penguin but as clumsy as I am I’d rather try to save a fall rather than go down like a newborn giraffe.

There’s a line-up at the door but luckily Travis is a regular so we’re ushered straight in. My back straightens as I walk past the soaked masses and I smile at an ugly man standing in a black Cambie t-shirt as a sense of importance takes over me. Inside we shake the drizzle off our light jackets and I try to smooth out what I hope isn’t hair that looks like rats tails but I know it does. No need to see it in a mirror. There's nothing I could do to save it.

I look around for a free table. The joint is busy. Travis scans the room and some guy across the bar waves to him. Not a big girly wave but a nod of the head and a one-handed display of what looks like ‘jazz hands’ but I’m sure it wasn’t the rugged-looking guy’s intention. Travis nods in his direction and walks towards him. I follow diligently. I notice it’s expected. He doesn’t even look back at me. Is this the meeting?

I scan the room and do a quick inventory. The bar is filled with men and sprinkled in are a handful of women. Trade workers, students, travelers and other general misfits of society have gathered at this sticky floored indoor beer garden. The place is abuzz with activity and all of the windows are fogged in because it’s so cold outside, giving us a sense of coziness. Jugs of beer litter the tables and the pool tables have people lined up to play. Bench seats are wedged in around picnic sized wooden tables. You often share a table with strangers if you want a seat. It isn’t the type of place for a quiet chat over a bottle of wine.

Travis and his buddy do one of those hand-slap half-hug chest-bump back-pat things that blue collar men seem to do rather than a regular handshake. Buddy gives me the quick once over and nods at Travis with approval. There’s some muttered chat and talking into each other’s ears and with all the music and background noise I have no idea what’s going on. I pretend to be preoccupied with the bar scene because I know I’m not supposed to stare. I look back at them and smile from time to time in case I’m introduced. Nope. Doesn't happen.

Travis shakes buddy’s hand and quickly puts something in the inside pocket of his jacket. The guy waves goodbye dismissively and Travis turns grabbing my shoulders spinning me around, pushing me gently back to the bar.

Let’s get a bevie!

Yes I nudge him playfully as he shoves me towards to the bar.

It’s pretty busy. We’re not going to sit with that guy?

No. We’ll find a spot. I’m never without a place to sit.

He’s right. He knows another guy sitting at a table on the wall section where you can watch weary travelers wander into the Youth Hostel next door. They come in through one big door that goes to either the bar, the Hostel front desk or the bank machine.

Travis hands me a beer and chinks his glass against mine.

Cheers Marley.

Cheers!

Come on.

He takes a big drink and I take a sip as I follow him to the table. I shiver. Yuck! I tend to drink what other people drink. If I’m out for dinner with my girlfriends it’ll be wine but of course guys tend to drink beer so I drink beer when I'm with them. But I don’t like it. Especially draft. Draft is a learned thing. I’ve learned that after a few sips you can get the rest of it down.

Buddy number two makes his way out of the bench seat and shakes Travis hand as he stands up. There’s no hug or half hug. I guess Travis doesn’t know this guy as well as buddy number one?

Marley this is Ian. Ian, Marley.

Hey!

I wave one hand in a sunshine motion. I have no idea why? That isn’t my thing. I think subconsciously I was worried I might have to shake his hand so was rebuffing that idea before it could get awkward? Buddy number two looks me up and down quickly. He doesn’t see anything that needs a second look and leans in to talk to Travis. This could be the meeting. Words are murmured but there's nothing I can hear over the bar noise and then Buddy number two speaks up for no reason that I can see other than for my benefit.

Listen Trav I was just leaving. I gotta get home to the Mrs. so great timing on the table eh.

He holds his hand out towards the table indicating it’s now free.

Oh cheers lad! Travis holds his beer up in salute as he edges into the side he wants to sit on before anyone else can swoop in and steal our space.

Yeah thanks I nod as I sit down opposite Travis and Ian walks away into the crowd.

Geez. You know lots of people here.

It’s my local.

Really? You livin’ down here now?

No. I’ve made it my local. You know, where you know people?

Not really? I don’t drink in the same establishment for fear of seeing people I’ve been with or I've been embarrassing around.

Travis laughs and scans the room. He’s watching the door we came in through. I study his ears. Long lobes. Isn’t that supposed to be a sign of intelligence? I remember Travis once told me he had a high IQ. I don’t understand why anyone would need to tell other people that? I can’t remember the context of the conversation but I remember his words. I must have been insulting him.

So where have you been hiding?

I lean across the table and rub his forearm lightly showing interest in him.

Travis drinks his beer and looks at the door again.

Around. Same as always he shrugs, Me an' the lads went out rafting last week he looks happy with himself.

River rafting?

Yeah.

What? Rapids?

Nah. Well yeah there were a couple. But we're really just cruising.

Is there beer involved in your rafting?

Yes. I’d have to say yes to that he nods drinking and shrugging, some of the lads are naughty when it comes to having a beer.

And no lifejackets?

No, not that I know of? Lifejackets? What are they?

He hangs his head in pretend shame.

Funny! Sounds like rafting hippy style. If someone fell out the others would make a rope from their clothes then?

He laughs nodding and smiling.

What about you Marley? What have you been up to?

Ummm… Well I’ve been doing lots of hiking with Jasper...

Travis smiles at a server who walks by. She smiles back and winks. They must know each other. His phone rings and instantly he gets up and walks away without a word, headed towards the bathroom. I'll sit and mind the drinks then. When Travis gets back twenty-five minutes later a young Asian couple has joined us. I couldn't really say no when I was sitting alone at a four top. The guy gets out of the booth so that Travis can scoot into his seat.

Sorry about that Marley.

It's all good.

I'm getting tired.

How is the big guy anyway?

I look at him confused. Who is he talking about?

The mutt!

Oh Jasper? He’s as adorable as ever.

He’s a chick magnet that dog! Give him to me. I'll pay you for him. How much do you want?

He is adorable but he's not for sale.

Travis sits back in his seat, looking at the couple next to us.

What else’ve you been up to then lassie?

Well more recently I was working for an American billionaire, ummm let’s see, Evan and I broke up and the...

Travis cuts me off.

Yeah right. You and Rico Suave?

Mmmm it’s true. I called it over.

I bet he wasn’t too happy about that?

I recall Evan having a meltdown and confessing anything that he’d done wrong over the years in an effort to show me he was genuine about trying to fix the relationship.

No. He wasn’t happy. What about you? Who’re you fucking?

Travis laughs and puts down his beer before he spills it. He looks at me still laughing.

No one.

I call bullshit!

We both laugh knowing I'm right. I’ve missed his flirting, his intelligence, his wit, his ease and aloofness. It feels strangely comfortable and after all the years I’ve known him I’m now finally in a position for closeness. Maybe something more than a few drinks and a parting giggle?

I'll get us another round.

Travis gets up and walks to the bar before I can say anything. I'm feeling drunk and I look around me. I've been so focused on him I didn't notice the Asian couple beside us have gone and a two young guys are in their place. The one with the beard beside me smiles and I smile back looking away quickly wondering how my eyes look as I try to focus on my surroundings?

Here we go Travis hands me another beer.

That was quick. I take my drink and he moves in beside me as the bearded guy moves over to the other side of the table. I don't think Travis likes to be locked in having to ask people to move if he wants out.

How's business?

Busy he puts his arm up on the seat behind me.

I lean back into his it turning towards him.

Hey we should go to the beach one day.

Yeah we should. We'll take the furry beast.

I nod thinking about Jasper. Kylie Minogue's song Can't get you out of my Head comes on and I start tapping my foot.

This song always reminds me of you.

Why? Travis's face is contorted like he just sucked a lemon.

Oh I dunno. We were at some pub years ago and it came on and for some crazy reason every time I hear it I think of that day. Which makes me think of you.

Weird!

Yep. My brain works in mysterious ways.

I’m drunk and giddy and I move in for a kiss. We kiss but he pulls away and I sense his hesitation. Why is it not cool for a woman to want? Feeling rejected I sit back and drink some more beer. I smile at him but it’s forced. I'm flustered but trying to be cool.

You should get another, I point to his glass.

He shrugs at me.

We should leave.

Where will we go?

I don’t know?

It's after 11pm and looking around me the bar is getting quieter. We get up to leave and Travis waits just like a gentleman for me to slide out of the booth. I'm the centre of attention and already he's exceeded my expectations. I know I’m drunk but I'm falling for him hard. It’s the booze and my longing and neediness talking. I know it and I don’t care.

Driving across the Second Narrows Bridge towards North Vancouver I shouldn’t be behind the wheel but I’m a confident and careful driver when I’m drunk. At least I think I am? I’m drunk though so it’s hard to be sure until I get to my destination without a crash. Travis changes the radio station from dance music to some mellow AM station playing jazz. The DJ comes on soon after he does and I have visions of some little old man broadcasting from his basement. His voice is deep and weary and reminds me of Steven Wright the comedian.

Wanna get a hotel room? I try to ask casually although by now it must look like I’m practically begging.

Travis touches the back of my neck and I get goose bumps.

I’d love to, but I can’t afford it.

I’ll pay.

It’s out in the air before I can stop myself. I want nothing more than to be close to him tonight. Travis isn’t what most women would call ‘hot’ but he has charisma. I look sideways at him and he glances at me and smiles.

Eyes on the road, you’ve been drinking, he points out the windshield.

Out of nowhere it occurs to me that maybe he didn’t want to be seen kissing me in front of friends or a former girlfriend? Maybe even a current girlfriend? Now I wish I’d scanned the room to see if anyone in particular was paying him attention. He did move us out of there very quickly once I started being amorous. I was too focused on my situation and my wants to care about anyone else.

Travis turns the key and the minute we get in the motel room I forget everything. I slam the door and we’re kissing as shoes and clothes frantically come off. Both of us are half naked as he pushes against me with intention and we share a long gentle kiss. I’m high. The moment is surreal. I’m so nervous of making a mistake. I wonder about every other lover he’s had and where I’ll fit? I refuse to be forgettable. I’m so into him I’m already imagining what we would be like as a couple. Stop it Marley! I hold my breath. I’m trying too hard to remember every minute of the experience. Stop thinking Marley! We kiss our way to the bed and he removes my clothes gently. I try to do the same in a sexy kind of way but as clumsy as I am it’s just bad. It’s not frenzied, but filled with kissing and giggling and awkward moments as clothing sticks to joints and skin, and by not undoing buttons I almost rip his ears off. I dig my hands deep inside his jeans and can feel that he’s not wearing any underwear and as I unbutton them they slip away from his tight alcoholic body.

We stand together naked and he feels rock hard against my stomach. He’s taller than most men I’ve been with and I like where our bits touch when we’re standing. It fits. A chill runs up my back as I think about it and my nipples get hard. He kisses down my neck and while I’m enjoying his touch I want to ask him what he’s thinking? He reaches for the remote and turns on the TV finding music videos to put on in the background. The sudden light in the room makes me very self-conscious. I hold every muscle tight hoping it makes me look toned although I know deep in my subconscious that it doesn’t but it’s instinctual. As he turns back to me I push him backwards onto one of the two double beds and climb up on top of him slowly kissing my way from his neck to his crotch. I know what he wants. I know what all guys want. I let my hair fall all over his chest and roll my head gently from side to side. He grunts in anticipation.

I’m too drunk to notice if he has a funky scent and mentally I cross my fingers he’s clean, as I get closer to sucking his balls. As I take one in my mouth and wrap my hand around his penis I notice he’s not circumcised. I try to remember if there’s anything I have to do differently? It’s been a while and my head's in a fog.

My lips just touch the tip of his cock when he jumps up and throws me onto the other bed.

Me first!

Now I’m on my back being dragged down the bedspread looking at the ceiling, as he pushes my knees towards my chest, kissing the inside of my thighs. I wonder if he thinks I have a funky smell and whether he noticed my saggy breasts as they fall each side of my chest? Relax Marley! Oh God! Did I get all the hairs down there when I waxed? Even the ones closer to my asshole?

I’m trying to concentrate on his tongue and the strokes he’s using to get me off and the music changes on the TV. I hear myself exhale. This is really happening and I’ll suffer the consequences if this fucks up the friendship. I submit. I surrender. I can tell he’s done this kind of work before so I like that I don’t have to be the foreman. The sight is primed. It’s just up to him as to how fast he can get the work done or how long he wants to drag it out.

I like his appetite for my pussy and I can feel he wants to be inside me. I want him inside me. I let my orgasm go and after his tongue stops flicking across my clit and I stop writhing about, just as he’s about to force his cock inside me, I pull him to me and we kiss. I can taste myself all over his wet lips and the smell of sex fills my senses. I’m no longer thinking, no longer analyzing.

We flip around and he pushes into me from behind. It feels good and I’m ready for it but I still gasp involuntarily. He pulls my hips in close to his thrusting in deep slow movements. He’s in control and I let him be.

Oh yeah Travis. That's it.

He grunts back at me and the room is warm and the air feels thin. Our skin is slick with sweat in no time and we watch our silhouettes fucking in the mirrored wardrobes beside the bed. The blue light from the television flicks across our faces and my wet hair is in my eyes as I push against the wall with my arms. The booze is making time move at different paces, passing slowly in one moment and then much too fast. I have no idea how long we’ve been in this room or how long we’ve been physically connected. It could be five minutes or it could be hours?

Changing position because I prefer to be on top we don’t even contemplate missionary, it's too boring for all the build up we’ve had before this moment. I put my hands on his chest and he bucks against me as I rotate my hips in a circular motion. I ride him and smile as he groans with pleasure and I close my eyes. He grabs the back of my neck and pulls me down to kiss him, my breasts dangling heavily from my chest grazing his nipples. We taste sweaty and as his touch searches for mine he bites my lips playfully.

I pull back trying to smooth out my body and take control setting the pace and rhythm. Our skin makes slapping sounds and sweat runs down my chest and onto his fingers pulling at and pinching my nipples. I bite my lower lip and wince slightly at the pain but it only makes me fuck him harder. He moves his hands down under my ass helping throw me up and down off his cock in long strokes. We gain speed again and I imagine the friction could start a fire if it touched the sheets.

That’s it. Oh yeah. Fuck me! Fuck me!

I fling my head back and sweat flies off me around the room.

Yes, yes, that’s it. Oh yeah, right there.

Travis moans and groans and grunts loudly slowing his pace, weakened and smiling. I wait for him to stop twitching and collapse on top of his chest and he throws his arms around me. He holds me tight in the tangled sheets, lying close and breathing heavily and I look at him happy to be in the arms of a strong man.

The hum of some song is all I can hear as he drifts off to sleep and while I can’t see the TV I watch as the blue light from it dances on the walls. I’m wide-awake but parched and exhausted. I can’t even make it off the bed to get water from the bathroom and my eyeballs are sticking. They’re gritty. Fuck!

After what feels like hours with the rhythm of his breathing against my back as he sleeps spooning me, I drift off. We sleep close and Travis holds me tight. I wake on and off changing positions many times with my leg muscles twitching and occasional itching between my thighs from the sweat. Travis barely moves. It must be nice to be a deep sleeper.

The sun is warm on my face and as I roll over and hug into his chest I’m struck with sadness. I'm tired and hung over and I’m sure the bubble is about to burst and that this warm and happy feeling is fleeting. My eyes are wide open and my chest is tight. It was drunken sex. He would have been up for it with anyone who threw it out there like I did. I dig my thumbnail into the side of my finger in punishment. I should’ve held out. I should’ve let him chase. But it’s just not in my nature. It’s hard for me to control. I wanted sex, but then I always knew I wanted more than that too. Maybe I should have thought this through, had a game plan?

My mind won’t stop bouncing. I’m pissed off and irritating myself. I know Travis’ll sleep for hours. They always do. I wipe the crusties from the corners of my mouth and he holds me tighter when I move. I listen to his breathing and slowly cross my fingers and close my eyes, making a quiet wish. I think this is the most girly I’ve ever been, in my entire life. I want to puke. It’s definitely a problem if you can feel your own neediness. Fear washes over me. Is it a rebound if you get too gushy too soon? This guy likes me. He’s always had a thing for me. I’m hot. What am I worried about? I should chill out.

We have to be out of the room by 11am so I try to stir Travis around 10.30am. I don’t want to leave but don’t want to pay for another room charge even less and I need to get up to pee anyway.

Hey sleepy, we gotta get up. I don’t wanna be charged for another night, I say gently.

Mmmm… it’ll be okay. They give you an hour’s leeway, he mumbles back from under the pillow, not moving.

I never did understand how guys could sleep on their stomachs let alone how this under the pillow thing wasn't smothering. In fact if I just reached out a little over the top of him right now and pushed down hard on both sides for long enough…

While I visualize his asphyxiation Travis stirs opening one eye and looks at me smiling. He grabs my ass and pulls me in towards him kissing me slowly and with purpose. It’s softer than the night before. There’s less passion and more searching. I kiss around his neck and chest and he holds his hands on my shoulders with a hint of suggestion for me to go lower and I stop kissing.

You’ll have to shower if you want a blow job. I don’t do next morning cock crusties!

He laughs.

What? I wasn’t…

We have sex again around noon and he seems to have more vigor than the night before. I catch him studying us in the mirrors and wonder if the stamina and enthusiasm today is related to the visual stimulation of us fucking? It’s probably because he’s simply not as drunk? He puts his hand on my neck and we kiss clumsily with some of my sweat-soaked hair joining in. I can’t use my hands to remove it because they’re holding my weight as he takes me from behind. And while I see myself in the mirrors I have trouble associating the image of me with the physical act I’m involved in. It’s as if I’m watching someone else on a big screen TV. Life size. A cheap 'motel-style porno.' No real storyline no connection to the characters, just fucking.

Travis slows down and makes long controlled thrusts when he sees me watching us and he watches my face in the mirror. I arch my back and smile throwing my hair around so that it dangles down my back, performing a little, trying not to be self-concious. Checking my moves in the mirror I notice that my little Buddha belly hangs down at this angle and becomes a jelly belly with every thrust. My tits are doing the pendulum thing and as he speeds up they become a propeller. I’m no longer in the moment. There's too much light and I’m tired.

With no condoms left and without wanting to make a Travis Jnr I give him a hand job to finish off. I love that moment where any man is his most vulnerable and smile at my skills, as Travis gasps for breath. He lies back and stretches like a cat, smiling and contented. I smile back at him as I rub the jizz in my hand all over his stomach.

Hey!

Hey what? It’s YOUR jizz.

Housekeeping bangs on the door for the third time and I get up and shower. I dress in last night’s clothes leaving my underwear off. I put them in my handbag. Travis spends a long time in the bathroom and I watch repeats of That 70's Show while I wait. Eventually he comes out cleaned up and we leave the room after noon. Travis is leaning on my car as I walk out of the office, having returned the room key and copped a bunch of attitude and a threat of changing an additional night from the East Indian Manager for being in the room so late. I’m cranky when I get to the car and Travis stretching as if he’s about to go for a run, his jacket slung casually over his shoulder.

Let’s grab a bite eh?

He lifts his sunglasses and smiles at me. Reaching out he grabs my ass, squeezing it on the perfect angle