The Jamaican Ninja Bert 3

By Richie Drenz

BOOK 3 . . . IT GETS FUNNIER BY THE BOOK

Wha did mad Bert? The flexible fat man pon di cover a di book weh u a look pon?
Well, back In 2012, the financial climate on planet earth was spiralling down to the dogs. Dr. Bert Kemp, a psychiatrist and a deep thinking philosopher closely studied the stressful economic terrains of his little island of wood and water, Jamaica. The taxes were too high and new taxes were murderous. When Portia Simpson, Jamaica’s Prime minister, implemented the tax on patty, it mad Dr. Kemp. He became a ninja obsessed with wearing his wife tights and hell bent on murdering Portia Simpson so that poor people can eat beef patties tax-free.

Dr. Kemp’s wife, Marjorie Kemp, firstly decide to take care of her husband and stick by him for better or for worse. But as things get extremely worse and she is losing everything and everyone, she is challenged to think is she holding on to a withered and dead relationship that will never bloom again?

Scorned by her friends and family for living with a mad man her only listening ear is the ultra attractive Dr. Arnold who is attracted to her. Her mad husband grows jealous and goes to utterly insane measures to keep his wife love and to prove his, but instead proves not only to be preposterous madness but is pushing her away. The ultimate question then is, will Dr. Kemp get to murder the Right Honourable Portia Simpson?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Richie Drenz
• Release date: Dec 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311904294

Richie Drenz

Richie Drenz aka "Da Silly Wabbit" is a Fashion Entrepreneur from Portmore Jamaica. He owns an urban fashion line called DRENZ FASHION and discovered writing through sharing bits of his life on the place he spends most of his time, facebook. He has no kids and loves the color red. The first story he wrote was a true life story, a memoir, titled CLIMAXES, which started from facebook and became an internet craze with supporters saying he need to do the book, and so he did. Check me out on facebook and read excerpts of my stories on my blog. See ya!

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Acknowledgements

Since yet and still, I still don’t have a son, I do have a Dad, Micol Campbell, with quite a humor. I think I took the funny genes from him. I remember in 1993 when I exploded his car and he made fun of the tyres. Everybody needs a Dad like that who no matter what, loves explosions.

As usual special thanks to my editor, Roxanne Wright and her superpowers. Thank you for understanding that this book is what inside of my head looks like. I thank you tremendously Roxie!

My Mom, Bevolyn Smith this one is for you too. Finally I wrote a book you can read. Yes Mom, it’s not only sex in my head. Love you endlessly. Omeil Hutchinson, Lisa-Kay Campbell, Tashari DaSilva, Esther Rowe, Meme Williams, Jason Williams and Patrick ‘Pajujah’ Anderson have all been my spine and support in major ways with this project. I know I annoy you guys too, so get ready for book three. I promise I will be no less annoying. Thank you so much.

Kerstie Carver & Jodian Drenz Goffe, you know without a doubt, you are two of my biggest fans; your tattoos of me says it all Big ups straight! I hope I will continue to inspire you in all that I do. Beverley ‘Kaye’ Cole, Bonne Vie, Keisha Banton, Sheree Warner, Karma Moonfire, Melissa Drenz Meliboo Williams, Melissa Teddybear Drenz Manning, Candy Mac, Tanya Seymour, Tania Baker, Chivelle Drenz Hines, Sasha Drenz, Shay Drenzii Diamond, Candice Banton, Samantha Bryant, Nicola Shorter, Alethia Gooden, Sash Drenz Dawkins, Sasha Morgan, Jai Drenz Keiko, Fonce Drenz, Shanice Steve, Ashoikie Saunders, Terry Jackson, Danique Brown, Stacyann Taylor, Carla McLaughlin, Mellie Drenz, Rosa Wood, Brigette Hudson, Alisa ‘Prim’ Sato, Bri-Bri- Anderson, Jacqueline Jackson, Truestar Barriffe, Kaymoy Drenz Johnson, Yenshae Morgan, Donna Worlashape James, Biggy Drewsland, Ty Allwood, Pia ‘Shorty’ Drenz, Jamie-Lee Richards, Shanae Brooks, Debbie Goodas, Sophisticat ‘Dancehallbiz.co.uk, Franz ‘I am a Jamaican.com’ Hoilett, Dre1alliance.com, Shev Morgan, Candice Williams, Kareen Johnson-Shirley, Ishanna Nunez, Tarcian Smith, Tru Sheba, Mesha Dale, Jheneal Black, Amoy Miller, Ronae White, Drenz Dee, Brenda Lee Moulton you all have a special place in my heart, all have been supportive in some way in whatever I do and for that I want to thank you highly.

Shout out to some of the top Drenzers. Some of these names are funny because it’s their Facebook names, but oh well … in no specific order:

Shaniece Wenoy Conie, Ras Tania Drenz, Venisha Williams, Aline Ko, Lia Dimepiece, Shannon Reid, Sammi Skittlezz Henry, Melissa Roye, Jamaican Bakergurl Flamez, Diana Newgirl Divine, Slim Baker, Carlton Whyte, Junior Collins, Mishyboo Mhm Lee, Kenesha Sexc Gadiare, NeishaFabulous Young, Monumental Drenz Barbie, Tracey Drenz Beckford, Marsha Dennis-Jack, Yecart Ramaj Snilloc, Oneil Pink, Breezy Thompson, Dionetta Johnson, La’Than Coleman, Gemini Neil, Divabbz Gordon Drenz, LadyWaxx Rookwood, Nicky Dias, Mandy Le Flock, Ali Boo, Annmarie Brown, Kadian Facey, Kranberi Williams, Dejah Beckles, Dianne Andlovingit, Shanice Chronic Sasha, Bonita Sonrisa, Renzii Hibbert, Antoinette Rochester, Christine Columbus, Karamel Johnson, Shanny Shan Pitter, Yaneka Artwell, Christal Smith, Felicity Fortis, Renee Harrison, Chiney Kaye, Kristen Powell, Cleopatra Isaac, Chrishelle Rose-Green, Kenese Richards, Q-Taz Guthrie, Nesha Slim, Cavvy-Ch Drenz, Trudyboo DrenzRock, Tanisha K. Wright, Gemini Martina Parris, Susie Stewart-Branch, Queenie Hunt, Sachail Drenz Toookute, Tashaa Rodrigues, Shana Lee Cummings, Kemo Harley, Susie Stewart-Branch, Tracyann Everbless, Vicky Senior, Karen Kelly, Karen Risner, Samantha Stuart, Kelly Hanson, Tashema Forth, Lesi Cole, Lisa Phillips, Erica Malcolm, Kadian Samuels, Janine Foster, Baby Shash Whyte, Shauna-Lee Gouldbourne, Sancii Cuteface, Sherry Berry Henry, Angie Drenz Jen, Nandee-Ranae Backford, Marsha Lewis, Izzie reid, Andrea Mitchell, Neishy Nesh, Paula Love, Rashida Ramsee, Sarneik Barnes, Kaydeen McKenzie, Lorraine Drenz Campbell, Shauna Thomas, Kay-Kay Versatile, Tinesha Bowyer, Danalee Dunn, Salima Rebelz Mohamed, Pinky Bristish, Marsha Nelly, Marsha Nelson, Latoya Prettystyle, Melisa Darby, Lovely Jillian, Shanice Ramsay, Miz Empress Murphy, Chanty Summer, Valene Sewell, Angel Sosiq Drenz, Kaii-Kaii Dowie, Annmarie Dacres, Laurie Sanford, Grace Drenz-Zoel, Nesha Faboulous Young, Lattie Toya –Toyz, Channette Dell-Anderson,SaiChi Drenz Kafka, Heather Esson, Nicarla Baby-Drenz Baxter, Netts Diamond Ekralc, Tokayan Graham, Ro Ma, Excellent Tameka, Shannel Johnson, Zonya Simpson-Drenz, Zanika Davis, Alexis Vis, Latoya Lyn, Jaqueline Johnson, Kemii Allen, Kadian Smith, Jamie-Lee Taylor, Jasmin Tomlinson, LisaDiva Phillips, Kayd Forbes, Nicky Dias, Jamet Gilzean, Flav Rasstar Ramsey, Cody Gallimore, Paula Hudson Stewart, Jenel Daisy, Shawna Gayle, Kadian Samuels, Kaykay Versatile, Shaneka Warren, Sugar Bear, Shaniel Anderson, Judy Jillian Bartley, Nadia Bascombe, Shaktianna Drenz Chica, Brithaney Logan, Dadrian Drenz Lyons, Karen Bucknor, Jade Drenz Dean, Andrea Morris, Callmia Yaadie, Shanikia Bartley, Dia Jhovanna, Kemone Stoner, Shawna-Lee Smith, Kadian Cohen, Sherece Drenz Reid, Venice Dacres, Eunice Mandison, Mango Pilot, Shakira McLean,CallMia Yaadie, Sammy Wright, Davina Ebanks-Russell, Judine Goodasfidem, EmpressKarima Gibson and bad girls Kooli Badu and Shelly-Simone TooImpulsive.

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ABOUT THIS BOOK

To make people smile through words is a blessing, which I do not have. To make people bust out a laugh is a special superpower. I have that, no lies. No wait, before you begin to criticize and say no one has superpowers and superpowers ain’t real. Let me say again, I can bust your belly with this book. Mi naaw laugh. Don’t test me, I’m seriously funny like that. I’ll let you split your belly by chapter ten. Wet your pants by chapter fifteen, and so on and so forth, you get the picture of the danger?

My best advice to you is that if you love your belly and all of what’s inside it and don’t want it to split open with laughter then do not buy this book!

This is not a book by the way. It’s actually a medicine, an anti-depressant in down times and a fun ride in high times, bring it anywhere and everywhere with you, open it, dip in and take out a laugh anytime you need it. Laughter is still a great anti-depressant. You are guaranteed to laugh each and every time you take up this book and read from any page. Whatever bad mood you are in, sad, angry, stressed, worried or frustrated this book right here is your perfect escape.

The Jamaican Ninja BERT is just a funny character with the right amount of fatness mixed with flexibility to make you smile until your gums are exposed in its entirety. This book is best described as the book crammed with happiness inside it. A perfect gift to yourself, or for a friend or family or pet. Have fun, laugh at life, laugh at Bert, enjoy the madness

EXCERPT 1

Six minutes into the fight and Bert was already punched down once. He got back up quick and started losing his balance as he stood. He finally caught back his legs when he realized Portia was at the front row cheering the loudest for Bert amongst the rowdy chatter in the jam packed arena.

Go Bert! Go! She cheered, Beat him to sickness!

Bert did not only catch back his legs but he felt a rebirth of power when he heard Portia cheering for him. He got overly excited when he saw that she was wearing her head-crown that he wanted so much to take. She had it waving in the air.

Bert was gonna wrap up this match in the first round real quickly and go and have a talk with the government of Jamaica.

Marj baby, cover up your yeye dem because mi nuh think You a go can manage the brutal scene weh mi ago put inna deh man yah face.

Bert I know he’s going to thump you down again. Stop fight him. He’s gonna knock you out!

Marj, use your hand cover up your yeye dem. Or shut up mek mi beat him till him turn pudding. Bert’s belly was squeezing him, well actually the shorts. He had put the thick gathering of the tight elastic waist of his boxing trunk exactly around his navel, but with all his movements from getting up from the knock out so swiftly it was riding up and squeezing in his belly. He shoved down his green boxing trunk with his gloves then said, Cheer fi mi like Portia mek mi gwaan bad inna deh ring yah. Mi love when people cheer fi mi bad. A my love that.

Marj joined in with Portia and cheered.

Some brilliant fists followed.

‘Baff! Baff! Bap!’

Three swift fists, all landing full-on into Bert’s face. Poor skinny legs Bert was confused. He wondered if it was the gentleman before him who had really fisted him a couple of times or if it was Satan.

Bert looked behind him to see if anyone else was in the boxing ring. Yes, only the very old but frisky referee who you could see some of his scalp from how thin and absent his hair was. The last thump Bert got was so on point in the centre of his face. It felt like his face was in a jumble.

CHAPTER 1

RICE CARTEL PREACHING

Then he sprang up back and dive off into the congregation and in mid-air bawl out,

"Uno ketch mi!"

He introduced himself saying,

Goodnight, I’m Reverend Ronald Sewell but most people call me Pastor Rice Cartel, I don’t know why.

The congregation began a low suss. Pastor Rice Cartel knew they were chatting him because of all his tattoos and cut off foot pants and not by his true talent, that he was able to split, so he began to preach immediately.

Render your heart not your soul. Can I get an amen?

The church together gave him it, Amen.

Come to me as you are. Judge my heart O’Lord and let you alone do the judgment not man.

Can I get an amen?

AMEN! The suss was hushed completely. Guilt rode some people who had outrightedly spoken out and cast judgment on Pastor Cartel before he even began to preach. They avoided looking at the person sitting beside them that they had just told that they were sure the Pastor was a bad man.

Anybody in yah did a judge mi because mi full a tattoo and dem don’t know weh mi go through. Please to raise your hands and inform pon uno self.

A few members well from the congregation co-operated and informed on themselves. They didn’t hold their hands up too high though, they were half-way up. Marj didn’t raise her hand.

Tattoos maybe, maybe, maaaaybe wrong yes. But who wasn’t doing wrong before they found the church? He whose without sin, go outside beside the gravel heap and cast the first stone and bust mi head.

No one went out to the gravel heap, no one threw any stone, and no one burst his head.

I may look like Kartel but I am Jesus’ servant, speaking his words, spreading his gospel. Who really need Jesus in their life is dutty Tommy Lee.

Rice Cartel went on preaching,

Tommy Lee needs Jesus’ holy water sprinkled on his forehead and we must catch him by any means necessary and baptize him in sanctified water and a toops of consecrated ganja, fi bill a vibes inna the baptism, You see it? The Pastor wasn’t smiling. He was dead serious. The Pastor took a moment to light up his spliff.

Clivey bust two blanks in the air from the back seat he was sitting when the pastor light up a spliff.

Brap! Brap!

"Mi nuh want nobody try burn mi out fi di likkle herbs enuh, because the wise King Solomon use to smoke it, Bob Marley use