Desire of the Soul

By Alana Topakian

Seventeen year-old Tammy Maynard led a simple life as her schools golden girl, before Duke stepped in. Handsome, otherworldly, something about him drew her in until the point of no return. All it took was one venomous bite, and the Red, the monster within, was the new ruler in Tammy's life. To succumb to the Red meant letting it take over her completely, it meant freedom of the soul but a ravaging of the body. To hold on and fight the Red, meant a never-ending battle of wills to keep from becoming a monster. The choice was a matter of life or death, to kill or not to kill, to become a monster or live life always fighting.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alana Topakian
• Release date: Dec 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301714285

Alana Topakian

Only 17 years old, Alana has always aspired to be an author like her mother. Her only book as of now is Desire of the Soul, but she is working towards finishing multiple other novels, and publishing them as well.

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DESIRE OF THE SOUL

Alana Topakian

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Published by:

Alana Topakian at Smashwords

Copyright (c) 2012 by Alana Topakian

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All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

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The blood. That was my minds first thought as I looked down. I wanted it, I needed it. But drinking it, it would mean giving in to the monster. Giving in to Kallisto. I could tell what her plan was, it was honestly quite simple. I would drink the blood, and be kept hostage here as she fed me more and more animal blood. Then, I would become like her. A true vampire. I would no longer be a part of the Amatores Sanguinis race. I would be a monster, killing with glee and without mercy. A part of me wanted to give in so badly, just let go of the misery I was feeling. I wanted to be a soul wandering the Earth. But, would it be worth it?

Would the pain of others, the killing, would it be worth my freedom? I didn’t like what I had been made to become. Everyone in the world was supposed to have a choice, but I didn’t. 

Duke didn’t ask me what I wanted to do. He did what he wanted. And by doing that, I guess I lost a piece of my humanity. I lost the part that made up my freedom. The freedom to walk in a house without asking. The freedom to walk out in the sun without making sure to put on a little sunscreen, because Amatores skin is so very sensitive to sunlight. The freedom to be me and do crazy things just because I feel like it.

I wanted the answer to be yes. Killing people and hurting their families and friends was worth it. It was worth my freedom. But I knew that wasn’t true. 

I couldn’t put myself so high above others because although I may not be human anymore, I still had those bits and pieces of humanity left within my soul. There was no off switch for the guilt I would feel as I lived in purgatory, wondering what terrors my body was ravaging on Earth. There would be no off switch for the monster that I would have unleashed upon innocent humans.

This is for my family,

You’ve been there for me throughout everything,

And for that I will be forever grateful,

I love you.

Desire of the soul

By: Alana Topakian

Let go and lose herself to the beast?

Or hold on and fight for eternity.

Which one would you choose?

Table of Contents

Before

Rebirth

Memory

The Truth

The Return

Her Pain

The Past

Letting Go

Back Home

Secrets

Answers

The Test

Changing

The Coronation

Finding Him

The Seelie Court

His Past

His Story

Waking

Family Ties

Transforming

Breaking

Shattered

Pieces

Before

High School is the same anywhere you go. Boring classes, bland teachers, and kids running amuck down the halls. There are the cliques, and the groups who blend together in a forgotten mesh of faces. Then, there’s me. Schools golden girl, that everyone knows and wants to be. My name is Tammy Maynard, but this story isn’t about me and High School. No, this is about me and the Amatores Sanguinis, and it all starts with my loving boyfriend, Luke.

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Tammy? a deep, soft voice said, pulling me out of my thoughts. I jumped with surprise and turned around to face Luke. His thick black lashes fluttered, and his small pink lips pulled into a thin smile. This couldn’t be good.

There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Luke’s tan body leaned toward me as he gave me a hug, his muscled arms holding me tight to his side.

Well, uh, you found me, I answered back, watching as his eyes immediately went from my shoulder-length, thick chestnut colored hair, down to my medium-size chest, and then back up to my eyes. I was just wandering around. I’ve got time to kill before cheerleading. 

Luke nodded, uninterested as usual. He couldn’t care less what I did, it was all him, all the time. Luke wasn’t a bad person, but he was a bad, no a terrible boyfriend.

Oh, right, whatever. Listen, I need to tell you something, he said, his fingers wrapped around my wrist. I was at the bar the other day, and well I got into a fight with this one guy. You’re great at talking to people, and well I think he might sue...I beat him up pretty bad. I’m in trouble right now babe, I need you to call him and just…work your magic. I felt my blood start to boil and hands shake as Luke handed me his phone.

It’s calling, he said smugly, and walked off. 

The phone only rung once, not enough time to hang up, before the click of an answer came on. You’ve got Duke. I took a deep breath, holding the phone tight to my ear. Could I really do this again? Did I really have to solve Luke’s problems myself, since he was too much of an idiot to do it himself?

I sighed, knowing in the end I’d have no choice but the obvious. Luke was my boyfriend, and I was nothing if not loyal to those I loved...although love would be a bit of a stretch when it came to my feelings for Luke. Duke, you and I have to have a little talk, I whispered between clenched teeth. 

Finally, I’ve been awaiting this call from you. When, and where? he answered back, without hesitation. Something about his voice was so alluring, sending warning signals throughout my brain. 

I couldn’t stop my mouth from rattling off the address to my home though, and telling him that he could come over in two hours. It was like his voice put me under a spell, one that I couldn’t resist.

How could I just give some guy my address though? Someone I didn’t even know? Someone who could be a potential killer, stalker, rapist? What the hell was wrong with me?

Good, you’re done. I need my cell back, football practice. Before I go though, I’ll make sure to mention to the cheerleading coach how you won’t be at practice today. Bye, love you, Luke said, grabbing his phone from my hand and waltzing away without a single glace back at me.

Now what was I supposed to do?

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I tried walking to cheerleading, but it was like I didn’t control my feet, and was being forced to my car. I didn’t want to go home and see this guy, especially since I’d be home alone, but just like when Duke my address from me, I couldn’t help but walk to my car and start towards home.

On the ride to my house, thoughts flew throughout my head. Who was this Duke, and what the hell had Luke gotten himself into this time? He had never been the smartest kid in the world, but really? Getting into a bar fight? And now, as was his usual, I was stuck in the middle of it all. God, I felt bad for my mom. She was bound to be pissed at me when she heard about this, and I’d just gotten out of trouble for sneaking out. Damn it. 

Luke...thoughts of him triggered what his face looked like just minutes ago, when he’d told me the wonderful news about how I had to fix his shit again. Now that I thought about it, he had looked sort of...odd. His eyes had looked kind of glazed over, which I mean if I thought about it could just be drugs or alcohol. He was always doing one or the other. Maybe that would be his reason for the bar fight, although all this crap that’s messed with his mind made him even dumber than he already was...so maybe not. 

My heart ached with the need to just have a normal life with a normal boyfriend, one that I wasn’t just with for status. One that I truly loved, and who loved me back. I shook the thought away, not wanting to think of those things. Those dreams I couldn’t have. I was in a respected family and, although my parents would never say it aloud, I was then expected to be in a relationship with another guy from a respected family.

The dreams that formed me weren’t really mine. They never were and never would be. My dreams, my wants, did not matter. What mattered was playing within the lines. Yeah, I mean I did normal teen things like sneaking out and other shit, but anything else and I was screwed. God, imagine if I came home pregnant...my parents would flip. Damn, that would be so worth it to watch. I mean I wouldn’t get pregnant, because I was so not ready to handle a baby, but if I did then I would make sure to videotape my parents’ reactions. I bet if I put it on YouTube, it’d go viral in seconds.

I laughed out loud with that thought, imagining my parents yelling at me with bright red faces. Quickly though my laugh ended, and a sigh escaped my lips. Thinking about this stuff was not good for me. Not good at all. But sometimes, sometimes I need freedom from the things that are holding me tight...because if I don’t get freedom I feel like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces. A million pieces that would never be found again. A tear fell down my cheek, and I wiped it off slowly. I hadn’t cried in forever, there was no use for tears because they were a sign of weakness. To be perfect, you definitely couldn’t be weak. I put the shell I’d stuffed myself in since I was a baby on, and got ready for the quick talk with Duke, then a long nap.

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My doorbell rang, the buzzing sound repeating until I forced myself off my couch to the open the door. Immediately I was greeted with a warm, male laugh that made my body tingle. So, you’re Tammy.  A pleasure to meet you, the guy, who I assumed was Duke, murmured. 

I nodded in response and held open the door wider. Aren’t you going to come in? I answered back sarcastically.

Duke laughed again, and then walked into the light. My mouth immediately dropped, because damn this boy was smoking. He had black spiked up hair, and he was buff. I mean, buff as in muscles twice the size of Luke’s. Along with that, he had this kind of creepy perfectness. There was no flaw in his body, none at all. 

So Tammy, I assume you called me here for one reason. I will quickly resolve that reason, by asking you a simple question. What do you want, more than anything in the world? Duke asked me, his thin black eyebrows raised. 

I want to have the world at my hand. I want to be able to do anything, be anything, I immediately answered back, the lie slipping out like it always does. I’d told it millions of times, whenever anyone else had asked me that question. That was what they expected to hear from me, so I gave them what was expected. Normally those who I told that to looked at me with approval or at least maybe jealousy because they knew I’d probably get my dream, but Duke didn’t. He just sat there, studying me as if I were a sick dog.

No that is a lie, but yet I already know your answer, your real one. Whatever, that is of no point here. I just would like you to know, that you have nothing to worry about. It will make sense soon enough, he replied, and suddenly I couldn’t move. 

As I stood there, still as a statue, Duke started to change. His top canines grew long, and his before grey eyes started to glow a bright red.

Slowly, I felt extreme terror as my brain realized what this person was. Before I could even begin to try to react though, Duke bit into me and my world faded into blackness and pain.

Rebirth

Days, months, even years could have passed, but I could not tell time. I could not feel, but one feeling. Pain. Pain so raw, so terrible, I drowned in it. I could tell my body was changing, growing increasingly more durable. Increasingly more indestructible. My world was no longer filled with a multitude of colors. It was only filled with one. Red.

Just seeing the red, gave off waves of even more pain, and I wanted to fold into myself. I wanted to do anything; I would do anything, to soothe the pain.

Was I alive? Was I dead? Is this what Hell felt like? Was I such a bad person in life that I deserved this torture? Yeah, I was mean to a few people every now and then, but nothing that deserved pain of this multitude! Or maybe that was just my opinion.

Even more time passed, and slowly the pain started to fade into something more bearable. Colors started to come back to me, and with the colors, memories. Memories of my family, my friends. Memories that pushed away the red. Pushed away the pain. They rooted me to reality and life.  

It is time for you to awake, a voice bellowed, cutting through the thick fog between me and the world. It was a familiar voice, very familiar, and sent shivers down my back. When the words reached like tentacles into my brain, my eyes snapped open. 

I could tell it was night, and yet the room was bright. I could see the cracks in the white ceiling, and every stroke of light blue paint on the walls. Everything was visible to me, from the large bed I was lying on, to the microscopic bugs crawling in the carpets. The smells though, they were the most prominent. There was the dank, foul scent of trash, and the sweet citrus scent of oranges. 

"Welcome Tammy, to your